Dear nickita:

You are welcome. I re-read your previous posts and start with it before I answer your recent questions best I can.

You wrote earlier: “my bf of 8 months wrote that he has erotic thoughts of his female friend from college… she was comfortable calling him past midnight because she was having some issues with her husband. He took all the time then to reassure me that nothing was there or happened but now I am wondering if something did?...he wonders what the alternate path would’ve been with her… He keeps saying nothing happened… he says they talk maybe once a month and she’s usu the one to call”-

regarding the question I italicized: did something happen? Yes, something happened. If we take his word for it, then the two of them never had a physical sexual interaction, so that didn’t happen. But something did happen and still does: the  two of them communicate. He calls her sometimes and  she  calls him sometimes. He has the  hots for her and  she knows it. She has problems in her marriage and  he knows that. As they talk on the phone while he hears her voice, he feels sexually stimulated.

At the least, this is what did happen and is happening. And so, it is not true what he tells you, that nothing  happened and  nothing is happening.

Now he is  in his home state for Thanksgiving where she lives.  It is reasonable  to think that indeed they are and  will be in contact.

And now, your recent question: “Should I ask him if he’s meeting up with her during this visit? If so, how?- Or let  it be and  see  if he brings it up to  me?”

My answer:  no, don’t ask him. Instead, put a hold  on the relationship, pause it. During this pause starting today and continuing when he returns to your area, have no sexual interaction with him, sex should  not be part  of your contact with him. Because something did happen. The fact that you found out something is happening by snooping doesn’t change the fact that it is indeed happening.

I don’t think you want to be his second choice, the woman he is with because his first choice  is otherwise occupied. I understand a guy being  attracted to other women while in a relationship, but a guy should not be interacting with women he is attracted to while  in a relationship- see the difference?

Either he brings you into that relationship as  I suggested by a video conference (not anything you pressure him to  do but something you may want to suggest in a neutral kind  of way, leaving it up to him to pursue  or not) or you pause the relationship until he  ends all contact with her.

anita