November 9, 2018 at 8:30 pm #236253
I am here seeking some thoughts.
Just last week, my bf of 8 months wrote that he has erotic thoughts of his female friend from college (I am not proud, I snooped and confessed to him immediately). They are close friends still and she is married and recently gave birth about a few months ago. My bf is also friends with the husband, they were actually friends before she starting dating the guy.
I have expressed my concerns once early on in the relationship regarding her as I felt odd that she was comfortable calling him past midnight because she was having some issues with her husband. He took all the time then to reassure me that nothing was there or happened but now I am wondering if something did? She lives in his home state and they talk here and there on the phone.
I understand it’s normal to have fantasies about other attractive people, but to have it for a friend who is married? who just gave birth? whose husband is also your friend? Is that odd? Should I be worried?
I think what bothered me the most wasn’t the fantasies, but rather that he wonders what the alternate path would’ve been with her… He keeps saying nothing happened but we havent had an extensive talk about it as I was just apologizing for overstepping my line and he gave a quick reassurance.
I feel as though I am not enough for him? I feel less than? He’s dated many people since college but to wonder what could’ve been after all these years, it doesnt make me feel secured.
Do you think this is grounds to break up with him? (more so the part about him wondering what the alternate paths couldve been while he is currently with me). I a not sure if it’s worth to move past this if he has still have feelings?? harboring feelings for her? ?
Thank you for your inputs in advanceNovember 10, 2018 at 7:04 am #236281
I would be concerned in your place, somewhat distressed. Not for the fantasies alone but for the fact that she called or calls him after midnight to discuss her relationship with her husband.
The “alternate paths” wondering on his part, that is concerning to me, leading me to think that it is a path that he is already taking, while in relationship with you, somehow, as in an emotional affair of sorts.
Time for a conversation with him about a current such alternate path?
anitaNovember 10, 2018 at 8:49 am #236283InkyParticipant
I’ve been his friend (but not calling at 12 AM!!)
This is what’s going on:
1. You only call your sister at 12 AM for husband troubles. If I called my guy friend at 12 AM he would only be a sister to me.
2. She knows (or at least feels) his crush and it is an ego boost for her.
3. He is not getting validated from her (husband, just giving birth) so he is seeking some sort of validation (if only that his crush is real). THAT is why he is confessing to you his erotic feelings and parallel fantasy life.
4. The fact that he is also her husband’s friend so they will always be friends on some level. Are you willing to live with that?
5. He is getting off on you being jealous and/or upset. He thrives on drama. The drama that he exists and matters.
6. I would tell him you need a break. He’s a smart guy. He’ll figure it out. You don’t have to say anything.
InkyNovember 10, 2018 at 7:37 pm #236333JohnParticipant
There is a sharp difference between fantasizing about other women (many men do, even if they say they don’t….we usually say we don’t to save feelings) and getting calls from them at midnight. I would be worried. I would NOT, however, do something silly like give him an ultimatum (her or me, etc). Just tell him that it bothers you that he spends so much time speaking with her and the times that he does it at are concerning as well.
If I could tell about 99% of people on this board one thing, it would be TELL PEOPLE HOW YOU FEEL. You would be surprised how many problems are solved and started by doing and not doing that (respectively).November 11, 2018 at 5:38 am #236343
Thank you so much John and Inky for your inputs!
Inky, what do you mean by you have been his friend?
– The past midnight call was once (at least the one time I know of) and he was with me and we fell asleep so he didn’t pick up and called her back the next afternoon
– I will approach him with HOW I Feel. Hopefully I will be able to ask some more questions to clarify things.
Thank you so muchNovember 11, 2018 at 7:23 am #236365InkyParticipant
I mean that I have been the person (married woman with children) that a guy friend had an inappropriate crush on.
If it’s just an ego thing with him, I wouldn’t say anything myself. Let the crush starve itself out. If you say anything, it becomes an Issue/Drama and could last longer by giving it more “reality”. The most I would do is say “I don’t like that” whenever he mentions her in that context, or if their communications and/or communication style gets inappropriate.
If he is truly in love with her I would say, “It’s not working”.
Only YOU know deep down which one it is. Trust your gut.
InkyNovember 20, 2018 at 12:14 pm #239887
Thank you so much for your help. We spoke about it and he said it was a fleeting thought and it only occurred because they had recently spoken. I think I am able to move past it but there are moments where fear grips me given their friendship history.
He reassured me again that nothing ever happened between them. That it was a fleeting thought. I asked if he finds her attractive, to which he said yes, and that just because he’s in a relationship doesn’t mean he can’t find other people attractive. This I agree with, but somehow this is different because in this case, she is a long time friend and I feel threatened as she will always be in his life.
I am not sure if there were other late night calls since that time. They had been really good friends since college and he’s always been there to lend an ear when she was having issues with her husband, then bf. When I first expressed my concerns about her about 5 months back: when I found out that she calls him here and there to chat (he says they talk maybe once a month and she’s usu the one to call), I asked him what could a pregnant woman and a single 30s male possibly be talking about, the fact that she is so comfortable expressing her thoughts with him, that he’s basically being emotionally available to her…he reassured me and I took it as them being friends.
Now, in light of this, I still want to believe that as he hasn’t given me any signs that I cannot trust him in our relationship. However, there are moments that I grapple with fear and jealousy–not being certain that both parties are not emotionally cheating with each other’s past such as fb and instagram likes.. I know I am being irrational and I am doing fine majority of the time, but there have been a couple occasions that I am reminded again of this and have that sick feeling to my stomach. I know I have to decide to let this go or deal with it another way.
I would appreciate any advice.
Thank youNovember 20, 2018 at 1:17 pm #239909
You wrote that your boyfriend is friends with this married woman and with her husband. Well, what about having a video conference (I was never in one of those, but I heard of them): you and your boyfriend on one side and she and her husband on the other (since they live a few states away), have a conversation, bring it to the open: your boyfriend’s erotic fantasies about this woman, her calling your boyfriend that one time, at least, late at night, your concerns, bring it all up in the open.
It is easy for your boyfriend to assure and reassure you that nothing happened etc., well let him assure you of that in the context of a video chat with all parties involved. More than assurance, it can be an opportunity to examine and resolve issues, maybe over a few video conferences.
anitaNovember 20, 2018 at 1:31 pm #239917
Thank you for your suggestion. I think that might be a too drastic measure even for me. I don’t think I would want that or care to have that as it’s not a constant issue in my relationship.
I also doubt my bf is comfortable putting that in the open, especially to their face, although I understand that it would be the point of this exercise. I also wouldn’t feel comfortable…?
Confused and conflictedNovember 20, 2018 at 1:45 pm #239923
Maybe a conference video call between the four of you is a good idea minus the erotic fantasies. After all the two of them are his friends and you are his girlfriend, and you are “Confused and conflicted”, so in that call bring up the late night call and your concerns. Why not; why would your boyfriend refuse it (“nothing ever happened between them”, he told you)?
I will be back to the computer in about fifteen hours.
anitaNovember 20, 2018 at 6:34 pm #239965
Thank you for the suggestion. I am not sure how I feel about that, I feel it’s such a dramatic step– to coordinate their times with a newborn baby and to meet via online when I am sure they would careless about meeting me. It feels imposing? Perhaps quite frankly I am not interested in meeting her and just want to move past this? Perhaps I can suggest I would like to meet this great friend of yours sometime later?
I do have another question though, my bf is home now for Thanksgiving, in his home state, where she also lives. I am afraid/ almost certainly sure that they are in contact? as he was supposed to go to her baby shower a few months ago and couldn’t make it and now would’ve been a great time to meet up as he is back home.
During our last discussion about this issue, he said that he’s now afraid that I will never get over the issue and I am afraid that he won’t tell me anything relating to her again?
– Should I ask him if he’s meeting up with her during this visit? If so, how?
– Or let it be and see if he brings it up to me?
Thank you!November 21, 2018 at 9:34 am #240053
You are welcome. I re-read your previous posts and start with it before I answer your recent questions best I can.
You wrote earlier: “my bf of 8 months wrote that he has erotic thoughts of his female friend from college… she was comfortable calling him past midnight because she was having some issues with her husband. He took all the time then to reassure me that nothing was there or happened but now I am wondering if something did?...he wonders what the alternate path would’ve been with her… He keeps saying nothing happened… he says they talk maybe once a month and she’s usu the one to call”-
regarding the question I italicized: did something happen? Yes, something happened. If we take his word for it, then the two of them never had a physical sexual interaction, so that didn’t happen. But something did happen and still does: the two of them communicate. He calls her sometimes and she calls him sometimes. He has the hots for her and she knows it. She has problems in her marriage and he knows that. As they talk on the phone while he hears her voice, he feels sexually stimulated.
At the least, this is what did happen and is happening. And so, it is not true what he tells you, that nothing happened and nothing is happening.
Now he is in his home state for Thanksgiving where she lives. It is reasonable to think that indeed they are and will be in contact.
And now, your recent question: “Should I ask him if he’s meeting up with her during this visit? If so, how?- Or let it be and see if he brings it up to me?”
My answer: no, don’t ask him. Instead, put a hold on the relationship, pause it. During this pause starting today and continuing when he returns to your area, have no sexual interaction with him, sex should not be part of your contact with him. Because something did happen. The fact that you found out something is happening by snooping doesn’t change the fact that it is indeed happening.
I don’t think you want to be his second choice, the woman he is with because his first choice is otherwise occupied. I understand a guy being attracted to other women while in a relationship, but a guy should not be interacting with women he is attracted to while in a relationship- see the difference?
Either he brings you into that relationship as I suggested by a video conference (not anything you pressure him to do but something you may want to suggest in a neutral kind of way, leaving it up to him to pursue or not) or you pause the relationship until he ends all contact with her.
November 21, 2018 at 10:44 am #240063
- This reply was modified 4 years ago by anita.
I do not want to be anyone’s second choice. I see what you are saying but do you think perhaps I might be harping on it more than I should? He’s been in multiple relationships since college and after while being her friend — would a guy really hold out for someone while dating seriously?
what about other factors of the relationship? How do you suggest I pause the relationship? Don’t respond to his texts out of the blue?
Is there a way we can chat directly perhaps?
Thank you very muchNovember 21, 2018 at 11:45 am #240069
You are welcome. “Chat directly” with me? If so, no, I communicate with members only on this site.
By pausing the relationship I mean not to stop responding to him “out of the blue” but to tell him that you don’t want to be his second choice, that it is not okay with you that he is interacting with a woman to whom he is sexually attracted to, away from the presence of her husband on one hand and away from your presence on the other. You can suggest that he includes you and her husband in the communication, so it is open and free from any element of an emotional affair (one carrying sexual elements).
You asked: “would a guy really hold out for someone while dating seriously?”- from your own account, the answer is yes.
It is uncomfortable for you to stand up for what you believe, isn’t it? Afraid to lose him if you do that?
November 21, 2018 at 12:29 pm #240091
- This reply was modified 4 years ago by anita.
Thank you so much for your prompt responses. I meant to chat with you directly.
I actually just spoke to him and asked if he has been in contact with her/if he will meet up with her and he said no as she is in another part of the state.
– I will definitely bring up being 1st vs 2nd choice and being introduced to the husband too when we see each other next(he did want me to say hello to her once when he was on the phone with her in the beginning of our relationship).
– I don’t mind losing him over this if I am indeed his 2nd choice as I am aware of what I deserve. I just don’t want to cause anymore issues over this if this doesn’t warrant the attention I am giving it (as I tend to overthink things). A great part of me feels I am overthinking this as our relationship has been great otherwise and he’s been loyal, supportive and continues to choose me despite many rifts I have caused as I am working through my attachment issues.
Thank you very much for the advice and I will tell him when I see him next!