Dear Magdalene:

You are welcome, my pleasure to communicate with you.

I agree, if I understand you correctly, that his attachment to his ex girlfriend is probably  his utopia, his make believe perfect life and he  finds comfort  in imagining it, longing for it, while in reality is wasn’t  utopic and will not be utopic.

Here  is my concern regarding  this man in your life: you wrote, “he said that he  thought our relationship was  not intense enough- he said he was used relationships to  start  out  more intense and questioned if this might be caused by my cultural background (I am  middle European). I was baffled”-

At first I was baffled too, but a little later I figured what he did:

1. He expressed to you his dissatisfaction with the relationship, his complaint: it is “not intense  enough”.

2. He accused you for being 100% responsible for his complaint, as your cultural background, clearly, is all about you and nothing to do with him.

I suppose it is possible that one’s cultural background may be responsible for one’s less  affectionate ways, except that clearly in this case his troubled ongoing relationship with another woman, him stating that he still has loving feelings for her, and  his depression.. these cannot be  ignored as reasons for his dissatisfaction with his relationship with you!

Therefore I am concerned that his way is handing you responsibility that doesn’t belong with you and  you taking on that responsibility that  is  not yours to take: “I feel guilty for not having acted with more warmth  and empathy.. (not) acted more authentically and from the centre of my heart”.

No, no… it is about the center of his heart  not  being available to you!

anita