Hey all,

what a wonderful possibility to get in touch with a lot of thoughtful people in this forum. I am living abroad and do not have my close friends and family around, so I am happy to connect with your community online for advice.

I have been seeing a colleague from my workplace (not a co worker I am in daily contact with, there is room for distance) before I went back to my home country over the summer. When I came back he had missed me so much that he suggested a committed relationship to me. I was delighted and agreed, even though I had not heard much from him over the summer. I knew he still was about to process a major breakup from a person he had almost gotten married to but after three attempts to rekindle this thing seemed as if it was destined to be over. So I had not wanted to pressure him and leave him space, furthermore I had (and still do not have) a final plan about on which continent I am spending the rest of my life. (hopefully many;)

Unfortunately he seemed distant and sad very soon, but we were both extremely busy so that I did not get the chance to clearly figuring out where this was coming from. He had told me before that he was dealing with depression sometimes and I thought he may just not feel well for reasons that neither him or me could change from one instant to another. But his mood kept me at bay and he avoided spending too much time with me or in a private space. Though he was still acting wonderful, doing things for me, being very generous and friendly. When we spend time in the evening there was often alcohol involved and he did not seem enthusiastic about sex. When I was very irritated after about one month a asked him why he was being so extremely distant he confessed that he had met his ex partner one week after I was back and had been very surprised by finding himself having strong feelings for her again.

Unfortunately I showed a harsh reaction out of fear and hurt. I told him he needed to be alone and that he should tell me if he wanted to hang out again. I did not mean to break up with him, but he then started (when we hung out again) to introduce me as a ‘friend’. Later when I tried to talk about it he said that he thought or relationship was not intense enough – he said he was used relationships to start out more intense and questioned if this might be caused by my cultural background (I am middle European). I was baffled and felt extremely emotionale sabotaged, since he was the one who had withdrawn and created distance early on without telling me what was going on. I felt treated unfairly and felt that he had not given me the chance to really show my love and to develop closeness with him (but does that chance have to be g i v e n? I might have been to irritated and afraid to just take it…). I have to admit that I was maybe not my most self-conscious version after being back, since I had to settle into the foreign language and new surrounding again.

I am questioning myself and my perception now, I feel guilty for not having acted with more warmth and empathy. He must feel pain and confusion about this situation as well and I probably would have acted more authentically and from the centre of my heart in meeting his situation with understanding. His ex wants to get back together with him, he feels love for her, I could not compensate this out of anger and fear. I know that Karma always hits. I do not want him to go back, since I think there must be a reason that it did not work out for them three times. He seems to know this too somehow, but how I behaved pushed him away. It would be simple just to pled him guilty and move on, at the same time I do not feel seen for who I am and still have the idea that we could become better lovers together. He seems emotionally shut down and left the city over the break (alone), but he has had an extremely difficult time behind him and needed to get out, not (only) because of me.

Do you think it would be worth to continue spending time with him in the hope to create a better emotional connection? I am feeling alone and devastated at the moment.

I am looking forward to your advice.