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he does not seem to be aware that he is blocking the growth of closeness. Therefore in his eyes I am the problem as not being “compatible”. People have different love philosophies. His might be an overly romantic version. But who am I to decide this is wrong. I would like him to give us time to see what is possible. At the same time I am afraid to get hurt and being naive about him.
Dear Anita,
thank you, you are 100% right! I had already thought the exact same. But I also had left something out: I did not only tell him he needed to be alone, I also told him that this (with his ex) won’t work out, because it did not in the past and that he should not have met up with her. I think this strong criticism gave him the feeling I would not accept his suffering and tried to change him. Attempts like this are lovekillers. But I had such strong feelings of fear and anger.
But at the same time, you must be right, that the overall problem is the unavailability of his own heart and that everything else is a cascade of micro symptoms that I am drown into. Otherwise he would have coped with me being angry and had not used it to label me as overly rational and distant. (He told me I was mixing rationality in our discussion and blamed my culture again. At the same time – why is it so bad to react rationally?)
He was trying to get something (love, a relationship) whilst not being willing to let go his attachment. His former relationship might have suffered from his depression related behavior as well and maybe it was also more of his fault that it ended. That gives him less of a reason to let it go. I think the women in his life would be better off if he made a decision between trying his old relationship again or letting go. But my impression is, this is a “too rational” behavior for him, he want’s “to feel” the impulse.
Dear Anita,
thank you for your thoughtful advice which is very clear and empathic!
Now that you remind me of the powerful factor his depression is, it becomes clear to me again, that he must often feel emotionally disconnected. I am now just wondering, why I did like him so much and agreed to his way of relating to others. I am wondering if I was trying to fix him (I wish I could be his best friend who cures the depression away) or if it resonated with my insecurities about living in a new culture and starting a new job. But he seems also to be very good in masking it and to be fun in a social setting with alcohol and otherwise just makes a lot of effort for being in control. Above all we have a lot of similar interests and a lot to talk about. I also immediately connected with his friends and family and besides those problems we seemed to be people from a ‘similar tribe’. Probably I did not do anything wrong but I am sorry that I was not able to prevent it.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.