Dear Victoria:

I hope you enjoy your weekend concert and that you have a calm weekend otherwise.

I re-read many of your posts since October. I understand that you are a student at Uni, moved out from your family home some time ago because “they were toxic and affecting my mental health, my mum in particular”, but you visit them overnight occasionally and you receive financial help from your parents.

Nov 1 you wrote regarding your mother: “The  present version of me cannot trust her… at times  I do find that   I go back to trusting  her briefly, it’s almost like a nostalgic type of trust… this weekend I need to  stay over and ..I need this nostalgic trust to get through the night without feeling too anxious”.

Recently you stayed over there again and  you wrote about the overnight stay Nov 20: “when I went  to my  parents I stayed  over and I was  anxious, at least at nighttime in which I did end up putting a chair up against  my bedroom door.. I don’t  feel safe there… I will be  worried that  my mum will try and  murder  me or something scary just because I have chosen to  go back to a guy who makes me happy”.

After resuming the relationship with your boyfriend, you wrote  yesterday: “The last few days with him haven’t been great because I haven’t heard anything from my mum as she’s giving me the silent treatment which naturally has put me  on edge and every convo I’ve had with  my bf has just ended with me having an issue.”

You also wrote: “The logical thing to do would be to cut ties with my  family and for my  bf to  be my family as it  were. I tried this a little bit but then I felt overwhelmed and like I only  had one person  I could  count on in the whole world and my  mind spiraled into worrying that  I wouldn’t cope without  them”.

I agree that it is  the logical thing  to do, to cut ties with your mother. You are afraid  of her, afraid she will murder you, so much  so that you put a chair against the  bedroom door at  night to  keep her from entering  the room you were in. She  is very angry at you for resuming the relationship with this man.

Because your boyfriend is significantly older than you, if I remember correctly, is it possible for him to financially support you so that you don’t  need  your mother’s financial support, and will such  independence from her help to cut ties with her?

If  you are afraid that your mother will murder  you for having  a relationship with this man, clearly you need to  not have a relationship with him so to survive. A fear of murder  is an intense fear, how can one  be calm being  afraid of  being murdered… so yes, have  no relationship  with him for as long  as  you believe that your life is in danger for it.

anita