November 20, 2018 at 1:03 pm #239903
I apologise for my silence, it has just taken me a bit of time to digest your words of wisdom and act upon them. Then after I acted I just needed some time to be in the present and reflect on the events that have unfolded.
So the first thing that has changed since your last reply is that when I went to my parents I stayed over and I was anxious, at least at nighttime in which I did end up putting a chair up against my bedroom door. It was just a weekend stay and I admitted that I dont feel safe there, even if my parents motives are just to love me the trust has been broken and I cannot help but feel uneasy on a night there, so I stayed at a friends on one of the nights but could not stay there on the second and basically I had no excuse for not staying over (I don’t want to let on that i’m nervous as I have done previously and it resulted in my mum taking it personally then invalidating my feelings).
So the weekend was okay, as a family unit I believe that we do get on and my brother was there (who I do not get on with and is rather similar to my mum) who helped me with a form I needed to fill in for Uni (but only because he wanted to put on a mask in front of my parents as being this nice and caring individual as since that weekend he has not answered any of my emails that discussed the form or anything else).
However, there were comments from my mum that alluded to the same old same stuff, but as she believed the guy she hates was out of my life it wasnt as bad.
Now in terms of my ex, we have decided to give it another go because I have realised that my actions of ending and how I ended things was driven by fear – fear of failure, fear of success and ultimately fear of the unknown, and the untrusting thoughts my brain seems to have conjured up in the last six months, which I mainly believe are due from high periods of anxiety and a lack of communication so I feel trapped, then I feel like I cant breathe, my brain then gives me a reason to leave and then I hit eject and leave.
So, this seems all nice and dandy, family seem okay and I’m deciding to work things through with a relationship rather than run as soon as it gets serious. But, oh that would be all too easy.
My ex was rather “off” as he would only only reply with two x’s and just would say iloveyou but it just didnt feel heartfelt, and I know I pushed him away but I need to know he wants me, because one of our issues in the last 6 months was that I felt like he didnt want me.
So I pushed him about it and he informed me that to be official again he wants me to tell my parents about us. Which instantly I was rather furious about, I was trying to avoid feeling like I was choosing between my family and my boyfriend. Now I feel like I am stuck at square one. I also do not take kindly to ultimatums. But I know he only wanted that because he wants me to show him that I will “fight for him”, even though I think he is missing the point that I am so tired of fighting. I just want some kind of compromise and this anxiety around my relationship/my family’s approval (that I never wanted in the first place) to go away as its been five years and we are still no further forward.
So last friday (it was thursday night he gave me the choice) I called my parents and I just said, we are trying again, I am not looking for your approval I just wanted you to know. Now my dad agreed and was rather chill. My mum on the other hand accused me of being deceitful and tried to demand that she come down to where I live and we talk about it. Which she has done before and I ended up in tears. So I told her I have friends to talk to, I don’t need to talk to her about a man she hates, as 1.) that is illogical 2.) I know her game (she’s nice for about 10 mins , then the insults start , then she mentions something that makes me get upset, then somehow I end up apologising). I am tired of this repetitive cycle.
My only issue now is I feel like I am stuck at square one. That I only have my boyfriend, that my parents are going to stop financially helping me (which I only care about because even though I know that I dont need there money it does reduce my stress levels that are already high) and now I have a weekend coming up where they have arranged for me to stay in the same hotel room and I know I will be worried that my mum will try and murder me or something scary just because I have chosen to go back to a guy who makes me happy.
How can a mum not want her child to be happy ?
I didn’t agree with the ultimatum because now my anxiety about his safety and my safety has crept in again. On a rational level I’m aware I will most likely be okay, but the fear is real and when someone got so upset about who I am dating that they attacked me gives me a reason to be unsure. I may just look and see if I can get a separate room.
Sorry for the ramble,
things have calmed down with Uni so I will be on here more often. Although I got a bit too involved and it made me feel a bit emotionally spent.
How are you doing?
– VictoriaNovember 20, 2018 at 1:29 pm #239915
No need to apologize to me about being silent- you have no obligation to post here! I was just wondering how you were doing, wanting to read from you, and I am glad you replied. Thing is I have to get away from the computer in a few moments, will be back in about fifteen hours, will then read your whole recent post and reply.
anitaNovember 21, 2018 at 12:13 pm #240079
I am fine, thank you.
Your fear of your mother is quite intense. If you shared this fear with your boyfriend, that you are afraid that she will murder you, then how could he insist that you tell her that you are dating him again?
This is quite an intense fear, really you shouldn’t be in her presence at all.
I wish life would get easier for you, that you will be safe and feel safe, that you and your boyfriend have a meeting of the minds and hearts, a true and thorough understanding of each other so that the two of you can be true partners, which is not yet the case, is it?
anitaNovember 21, 2018 at 12:54 pm #240105
“. If you shared this fear with your boyfriend, that you are afraid that she will murder you, then how could he insist that you tell her that you are dating him again?” – he believes that if I stand up to her I will see that she isn’t a threat and it will ease the anxiety, in addition to this I think its his ego or just the need that one day they may accept him. I’m not really sure to be honest because he doesn’t seem to understand why I didn’t want to tell them. He just wants to see that I’ll “fight for him” or just see’s it as proof that I love him (only some ideas).
The last few days with him haven’t been great because I havent heard anything from my mum as shes giving me the silent treatment which naturally has put me on edge and every convo I’ve had with my bf has just ended with me having an issue with something. It seems that it is rather easy for both of us to slip into old habits but part of me is resiting because its suppose to be new, but now I feel like I have all the hang ups I had when I started seeing him, one main one is that my mum disapproves so now I feel like I am in the wrong for giving things another go.
On a positive note I have come to a theory that my trust was broken when I was high and vulnerable, which is why I have had such deep trust issues. Again, its just a theory but its a step forward towards trusting people again. Like I may have mentioned my brain seems to have deemed the trustworthy people as untrustworthy and vice versa.
I also watched footage from a few years ago where my bf didn’t want to go shopping with me on my birthday and I brought that up tonight which obviously resulted in him being confused about why i was accusing him of something he did years ago.
I’m not having a good week to be honest, my period is heavy and seems to have shifted me into such a negative mindset that is picking at the smallest things.
Thank you for replying (:
– VNovember 21, 2018 at 12:58 pm #240109
I didn’t give your thread the time I intended to give it today, so I am making a note to myself to attend to your thread first thing tomorrow morning and reply to you then, when I am fresh, in about fifteen hours from now.
anitaNovember 22, 2018 at 5:04 am #240161
that’s okay (: I awoke this morning feeling rather down but managed to get a shower, so I think the emotional rollercoaster has nearly come to an end. However, one key thing that’s been on my mind is that one reason I was hesitant to try again with my bf is because he, along with my mum are part of a chapter in my life where I wasn’t the best version of myself, lacking in confidence and more susceptible to put up with emotional abuse. But it was my bf who has helped me become a better version.
However, I broke up with him because I felt all this stress around our relationship because of the tension that was still there which was coming from my mum disliking him. The logical thing to do would be cut ties with my family and for my bf to be my family as it were. I tried this a little bit but then I felt overwhelmed and like I only had one person I could count on in the whole world and my mind spiralled into worrying that I wouldn’t cope without them etc So my action of dumping him was part of a cross-fire of me just wanting a new start.
Now I feel like due to this ultimatum I have rushed back into things and even though I do not mind this on one hand, the rushing is bringing a lot of stress back into the back of my mind.
Part of me feels like I would be better off with none of them in my life, but that is unfair on someone who loves me deeply and also it would be denying myself happiness.
I have a concert this weekend which is my first opportunity to do something out of my comfort zone and should remind myself I can do stuff without relying on others. This is something that is important for me to learn as I have never had a lot of friends and therefore I dont want to feel reliant on others, also my younger self was brave and would do what she wanted, I’m trying to get back to that person rather than being sad, anxious and wanting to hide from the world.
– VNovember 22, 2018 at 5:41 am #240163
It is so nice to hear from you! Me & Shelby were wondering about you! I assumed that the reconciliation with your ex went well as you haven’t been around for a little while. I am glad to hear that you have decided to give things another go..
Having read your last post it is incredible how much I can relate except I am somewhat in a similar position to your ex rather than yourself so perhaps I can give you some input from the receiving end.
So just to give you a brief update, thankfully I have managed to start my counselling now! I am due to have my second appointment today – nerve wrecking to say the least!
My ex is still adamant he wants to reconcile. We have spent a significant amount of time together in the last few weeks and had several very raw and emotional conversations about all the hurt caused. Nonetheless, he still wants me. Now I wouldn’t say his family hate me but lets just say they are not exactly pleased that I am somewhat back in his life. I have also found that his friends are somewhat disappointed because he’d no longer be the single guy that they can go partying with etc! I too did say to him if you want this to work you are to let everyone know that we are actively working on things, or ‘official’ as you say. I can honestly say this to me is just a way of feeling some kind of security again. It is just him standing his ground saying this is my life, my woman, whatever opinions you guys may have please keep them to yourself and respect the fact that WE are giving things another go.. That makes me feel good as his potential partner because for the first time ever he is standing up for our relationship and fighting for me..
I understand your point about this puts you under unnecessary pressure and maybe quite stressful for you however I just thought I’d shed some light from the receiving end.
I do have some reservations towards my ex.. the way he withdrew and left last time has left a major scar. In a sense I am waiting for him to do this again maybe? So perhaps being upfront and honest with everyone about his intention to reconcile with me gives me hope that he won’t? I don’t know.. Not quite sure.
Nonetheless, I hope everything works out all the best for you! Please keep us updated on your progress 🙂November 22, 2018 at 6:41 am #240301
I hope you enjoy your weekend concert and that you have a calm weekend otherwise.
I re-read many of your posts since October. I understand that you are a student at Uni, moved out from your family home some time ago because “they were toxic and affecting my mental health, my mum in particular”, but you visit them overnight occasionally and you receive financial help from your parents.
Nov 1 you wrote regarding your mother: “The present version of me cannot trust her… at times I do find that I go back to trusting her briefly, it’s almost like a nostalgic type of trust… this weekend I need to stay over and ..I need this nostalgic trust to get through the night without feeling too anxious”.
Recently you stayed over there again and you wrote about the overnight stay Nov 20: “when I went to my parents I stayed over and I was anxious, at least at nighttime in which I did end up putting a chair up against my bedroom door.. I don’t feel safe there… I will be worried that my mum will try and murder me or something scary just because I have chosen to go back to a guy who makes me happy”.
After resuming the relationship with your boyfriend, you wrote yesterday: “The last few days with him haven’t been great because I haven’t heard anything from my mum as she’s giving me the silent treatment which naturally has put me on edge and every convo I’ve had with my bf has just ended with me having an issue.”
You also wrote: “The logical thing to do would be to cut ties with my family and for my bf to be my family as it were. I tried this a little bit but then I felt overwhelmed and like I only had one person I could count on in the whole world and my mind spiraled into worrying that I wouldn’t cope without them”.
I agree that it is the logical thing to do, to cut ties with your mother. You are afraid of her, afraid she will murder you, so much so that you put a chair against the bedroom door at night to keep her from entering the room you were in. She is very angry at you for resuming the relationship with this man.
Because your boyfriend is significantly older than you, if I remember correctly, is it possible for him to financially support you so that you don’t need your mother’s financial support, and will such independence from her help to cut ties with her?
If you are afraid that your mother will murder you for having a relationship with this man, clearly you need to not have a relationship with him so to survive. A fear of murder is an intense fear, how can one be calm being afraid of being murdered… so yes, have no relationship with him for as long as you believe that your life is in danger for it.
November 22, 2018 at 2:19 pm #240423
- This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by anita.
I would just like to clarify that my fear of being murdered is very irrational and pretty much is the worst case scenario if I am anxious. It only really affects me if I am highly anxious or tired, and it has only been to that extent in the last 6 months, I do believe it has got to that point because my brain knows she is angry at me and so it spirals with that idea.
The thing is I have been financially dependant on my boyfriend and last year he paid for my rent which took a toll on me as it was a large sum of money. Even though I was grateful for it, it did lead me to wonder “am I only with him because of money?” – of course that is not true, but at the time my brain ran with the idea and ultimately the belief that I was with him for any other reason than love caused me to leave the relationship because I felt as though I was lying to myself and him. It turns out all I needed was some space to figure stuff out.
Ultimately I need to just decide him or her. It seems so simple, but the problem is that I resent that I even have to make that choice because I am a problem-solver and I am sure there is a compromise.
The concert plans have not worked out, however, I am going to see my boyfriend and spend the weekend with him. I still have irrational trust issues tho (the whole someone who loves me will hurt me) but I have decided to make a conscious effort to believe that there is trust, if I believe it enough I might be able to go back to my old way of thinking that didn’t question everything.
– VNovember 22, 2018 at 2:30 pm #240427
Thank you for explaining your side of things and why me standing up to my parents about my bf is important to him. I sort of understood his side I just thought well I have stood up for him the last x amount of years, why does he need me to do it again. However, that was ignorance on my part really.
I will join the other forum again and see if you have put an update about your second appointment. I hope it went well! I have been reading the forum now and again, although this week I have been physically and mentally in a bad place so I though I would come back when I have the ability to absorb information properly and reply with heartfelt responses.
I am happy to hear that your ex would like to reconcile though (: Hopefully things will get better. One thing I am ensuring is that I am very careful about how much time I am spending with my ex because I don’t want the same issues to just rush back and I would like to feel like something has changed. In our case it is mainly communication.
“In a sense I am waiting for him to do this again maybe? So perhaps being upfront and honest with everyone about his intention to reconcile with me gives me hope that he won’t?” – I believe that your counselling will help with this and possibly pin point what made the relationship breakdown. Would he consider couples counselling? Or is it too early days for that? I have told my partner that I would like at least one or two sessions with some kind of relationship expert when things are good again to help us discuss our relationship with an outsiders perspective, I just need reassurance for some reason. My partner has also stated to me that I need faith, or we both do, that we will work out okay.
Talk to you in the other forum in a bit, thank you for writing on here (:
– VNovember 23, 2018 at 4:22 am #242621
Regarding your fear of your mother I want to share a bit about my own experience of fear of my mother, maybe it will help the two of us to understand it better, especially in the context of that verb, murder.
My mother when angry at me threatened to murder me, using this very word, murder (in another language), not kill, but murder. There is a difference, the second suggests intent, it is a stronger word.
At nights sometimes I would lie down and feel that I was falling into a bottomless pit, keep falling and falling.
I developed tics, severe motor and vocal tics (Tourette Syndrome) and compulsions (OCD) that occupied almost every moment of my waking time as a result of my fear of her.
She physically attacked me, hit me, slapped me, kicked me, yelled at me, tore my clothes to shreds and such, kept me alive, no bones broken, no blood shed. But fear, fear vibrated through me day after day, night after night, year after year, now decades.
If I was in your place, having to choose between my mother as she was and a boyfriend who has never been violent to me, not in words and not in acts, I would definitely choose the boyfriend. I would have a chance then, in my twenties (I believe you are in your early/ mid twenties) to become less afraid, and then less afraid. I will attend therapy, never in contact again with my mother, and I will relax over time and practice of skills, into a reality of less and less fear.
There is nothing more distressing than fear, and ongoing fear does harm the brain, the nervous system, the body.
Yes, it would be an easy choice for me, now, looking back, if I had your two choices.
anitaNovember 28, 2018 at 2:31 pm #266523
Thank you for sharing your experiences with your own mother, that sounds terrible and I am happy that you survived such abuse against you! In response to me raising my anxiety with my own mother she has turned around and jokingly gone “what do you think I am going to murder you?!”, yes I am aware she is unaware that my mind is dark enough to silently answer yes in the darkness of the night at three in the morning.
I have recently reunited with my ex and told my mum, whose response has resulted in the silent treatment and accusations. I have come to realise that she is not a threat in terms of physically harming me anymore as she does not know where I live and I do not believe she will do that because she has the power of emotional abuse.
The sad part is she isn’t even aware of it. But I have realised that she may be a narcissist, not that you should diagnose others but her actions fit the traits. However this has then lead me to question if I too am a narcissist.
Things have unfortunately fallen apart again, I have spent the last few days anxious because I feel like I have lost my family and my boyfriend all in one. My boyfriend says that he understands and sees my frets and worries about our relationship being linked to anxiety. However, I have started to wonder if it is OCD as it seems to be an onset of a reoccurring thought that sends me into fight-or-flight. But I am not a psychologist and I am also aware that a lot of symptoms overlap.
I have found that I am conflicted. Part of me wants to walk away from the relationship because it has so much baggage around it which is difficult to just shrug off but I can’t bear the thought of him not being in my life, its almost as if I am saying I want to leave you yet I then get a wave of feeling abandoned,even though I made the decision?
Every-time I seem to explain how I am feeling or what I want, it doesn’t come out right and I am just left wondering how we even got to this point. How can I just give up on someone and something that has given me so much joy before. I wish I could say to him let me just have therapy then we will be okay, but I don’t have a crystal ball. Also deep down I know that I need some space to grow, to know that I am okay as an individual, I was okay before this relationship but now I am full of so much fear.
Is there a solid way I can explain that I don’t want to be friendzoned, but I don’t want a romantic relationship right now? Without feeling like a horrible person or mainly believing that when he tells me he understands that I believe him.
– VNovember 29, 2018 at 5:56 am #266697
You are welcome. Reads to me that neither a relationship with your mother or your boyfriend is good for you at this time and for the foreseeable future. I think it is better for you to put a break in the relationship with the boyfriend because it adds to your anxiety and has been adding to your anxiety for too long.
I think you need therapy soon and a social support as in attending a support group in person to go with therapy. Put a distance between you and your mother, between you and your boyfriend and take it from there.
Got to heal some from the fear, the original fear that you experienced at home growing up before you get into a relationship with a man.
I hope to read from you soon, anytime.
anitaDecember 1, 2018 at 4:52 pm #267335
I cannot express how your last response echoed my exact thoughts. I have ended things again, and for good because I am not messing him around anymore. I have already inflicted pain I never wanted to inflict on him.
I am taking steps to heal e.g. making sure I set aside “down time” alongside being productive. All worrying given me is medical and mental health issues, so I am making sure I find a routine and lifestyle that aids the best version of myself.
My mother is still giving me the silent treatment due to me getting back together with my ex. At this point I am done playing these mind games and even though in the back of my mind I am a bit worried, I am aware she has a phone and has decided not to get in touch. So for now I am enjoying not being criticised or having to defend my life choices.
In terms of my ex, I love him and always will do, but as hard as it is for me I need to put myself first and become stronger, defeat the overthinking and paranoia, which is most likely caused by stress. I have asked him if we can be friends, I did not see the point in saying anything massively heartfelt because he’s practical and will just be like “if you love me why are you leaving me!?” , so I have just chosen the option which gives him time to heal but also so I don’t completely loose him.
Today I have busied myself but I have also been worrying about him, is he okay? have I caused him to spiral out of control?! how could I hurt someone so much?
The worst part is I broke things off via text, because I felt like every-time I tried to do it over the phone the words wouldn’t come out right. As for myself, I am feeling rather lost, although I got what I ultimately wanted which was complete control over my life. It seems as though that it rather lonely.
I am sure I will survive, I have been through worse, I just feel like I have ruined someones life. Is that too dramatic?
How are you doing? Have you got any plans for this weekend?
– VDecember 2, 2018 at 4:32 am #267383
I am fine, thank you. Regarding plans for the weekend, Saturday was the lighting of Christmas lights downtown, in this small town USA I live in (outside the city limits). It was nice to see lots of people walking around, some dressed Christmassy, one as the Grinch, and I love Dr. Seuss characters for decades now!
I read your posts from yesterday on another thread as well as this one. I will quote a few items and then comment:
1. “I am trying to do ten billion things at once but then feeling weighed down and doing none of it”- a common happening. The only way I know to solve this problem is to do just one thing at a time, be very humble about the number of things you will accomplish today, and if that one thing is overwhelming, break it down and do just part of that one thing to day. Be gentle with yourself and patient.
Choose a time of the day when you are least tired, least anxious, maybe first thing in the morning, and do a difficult task at that time, then give yourself a treat for having accomplished that one thing, encouraging yourself during the doing of the task by thinking about that treat, which may be anything from a hot bath to watching a movie.
2. “I am behind my peers and I feel like I am playing catch-up”- in some ways you are behind some of your peers but you are at the same place and even ahead of many other peers and people much older than you. You are definitely way ahead in these things than all the dead people in the world. So see the bigger picture. In the bigger picture you are doing well.
3. “I am currently supposed to be applying to placements..”, reads like the right thing for you to do, to focus on what you will be doing after graduating, start exiting the “bubble of education”. It is very important that you don’t miss more lectures and that you focus on graduating and preparing for employment. Think of all the time and energy you have placed into relationships, family and the now ex boyfriend- what a poor return on investment, isn’t it?
Better invest in graduating and preparing for employment where the return on your investment will be great, compared to None in relationships. Try to be singularly focused on these two things.
4. “I have ended things again, and for good because I am not messing him around anymore.. I have also been worrying about him, is he okay? have I caused him to spiral out of control?!… I feel like I have ruined someone’s life. Is that too dramatic?”- yes, reads dramatic to me and incorrect. He has known about your anxiety for a long, long time. It can’t be a big surprise for him, it has to be something he considered may happen (and it already happened before). He is significantly older than you, has many female friends, if I remember correctly, I think he will be fine. Just leave him alone, let him be, close the door on this chapter in your life. Focus on your well being, not his; focus on graduating and becoming employed.
Every time you think about him, think the following: this issue is closed. There is nothing for me to do. Because there is nothing for me to do, there is no reason to think about him/ it.
5. “My mother is still giving me the silent treatment”- appreciate that silence. Make it last.
And last point for now: the anxiety and lonely feeling you mentioned, these unfortunately are not going anywhere. You survived a lot of it so far and so have I. Accept these things as the reality of your life for now and for the foreseeable future. It will take a long time to feel better on an ongoing basis. When you feel badly, think of why you are doing what you are doing, what you value most, that is.
What is it that you value most at this point, what motivates you at times the most?