October 21, 2018 at 4:45 pm #232451
Sorry for the late reply. Your response was spot on, the only thing he’s ever done is raise his voice, which was called for because he was upset. At the time it caught me off guard because he is not someone who argues, if he has an issue he would rather sit down and discuss it.
I think I took that too personally.
I have reached out to him and we are meeting next weekend.
I have realised that I fled from the relationship out of fear, I was scared of commitment because I am scared of knowing someone so well and then them turning on me. Aside from experiences with family members I have had a lot of experiences growing up of friends who have broken my trust. I think I need to fix my trust issues, I have been finding that by identifying who I cannot trust that I have felt a lot better and not wasting my time around people who don’t care about me (aka following your previous advice).
I hope you are okay yourself (:October 22, 2018 at 1:46 am #232485
Feathering my nestParticipant
I’ll come with you on the journey to better identify those we can and cannot trust in our lives.
It sounds like something I could use as well.
We’re both ‘lone wolves’ but not alone. (I prefer: spirited and independent, yet deeply loyal.)
XXOctober 22, 2018 at 7:08 am #232537
When a person is angry or scared, the voice automatically becomes louder or stronger. We can’t help it. Once we notice, when angry, that our voice got louder, and we are not in real danger, then we can choose to lower it.
It is Monday and you will be seeing your ex boyfriend in the coming weekend, maybe to resume the relationship, correct? If so, having read through page one of your thread, I suggest the following:
1. No more experimentations with drugs, the one you shared about led to nine months of panic or anxiety and was a big problem for your mental health and the relationship, so better not!
2. No more of the open relationship experimentation. The last one didn’t work out for you and it hurt the relationship.
3. Do not communicate with your mother about seeing him this coming weekend, about anything at all regarding him and your communication with him, nor with anyone in your family (so the info doesn’t reach her). Keep her away from you, from him and from a relationship with him.
And do post again, anytime.
anitaOctober 24, 2018 at 3:24 am #232875
How are you?
anitaOctober 24, 2018 at 12:09 pm #233037
I apologise for my silence, it’s only Wednesday yet I am feeling rather overwhelmed. I have fallen behind my uni course because I felt rather depressed and instead of fighting against it I just let it consume me because I felt emotionally drained, as it happens its my time-of-the-month so I now know why I have felt rather low, finding it harder to wake up and focus.
I am nervous about seeing him this weekend, and don’t worry that drug experience was a mistake and I’ve learnt my lesson from it. I haven’t and have no intention of telling my mum or any of my family members about this meetup because 1. its not of their business 2. my mum has actively tried to ruin our relationship 3. I was never open about my relationships to my family in the first place, in my opinion my romantic or even friendships are separate to my family, of course if it got serious I may introduce them to my parents, I never wanted or sought their approval because its me in the relationship not them. Ultimately my mum and fa,o;y have got too involved in my last relationship so even if it doesn’t work out they will not be meeting anyone I’m romantically involved with.
Yes the open relationship definitely was a mistake, I have talked to my ex (as it were) and he has said if we ever try anything like that again it would be years down the line. My only issue with it is that it does make me feel second best, I know that a man can go and do something sexual with another woman and its just desire, but I want to be someones only one. He has dated alot of his female-friends and therefore they are still present in his life, I am finding this difficult to deal with.
It’s strange because a lot of people complain about their partners going to the pub or on a lads night out, in which they may be aware they could be cheating on them or whatever, but to some degree in society this is accepted and as long as the guy comes back to you the next day its ok. Yet I go out with a man who has many female friends and isn’t into the lad-culture therefore it is unlikely he is chatting up women etc yet I am left feeling insecure?
The reason I bring this up is because I’m trying to look and see if this relationship will work long-term. Personally, I want to move to different cities and he has stayed in the same city for the majority of his life, so if I say “hey I want to do x,y,z…it just means you need to give up your life that you’ve made in x, is that ok” I think I would feel awful, I dont want to pull someone along on my journey I want to have the same vision so its a joint journey.
Now that we have been talking we are getting on fine, we say I love you, goodnight etc and my only issue is he’s not putting in the effort to say hi, its always me, however, I think that it’s because a. hes busy b. hes still got his guard up. He’s coming down just for an afternoon but I don’t feel like that’s good enough, which I know is unfair and selfish, but I’ve missed him and thought that if he came down the night before we could have a night out and have a “serious” chat then spend the next day hanging out.
Hm, am I asking too much? There’s still worries in the back of my mind about it all, I have also just watched When Harry met Sally, which may not have helped haha
– VOctober 24, 2018 at 12:14 pm #233041
<div>Hi Feathering my nest,</div>
<div> At first I was unsure about how to tell who I can and cannot trust. In the last few weeks I have found that those who are willing to open up to me after I have shared something personal with them seem to be people I can trust. At least I think so.</div>
<div>To be honest I have spent a lot of time on my own recently, I think I’m scared of rejection or judgement so I’ve stuck to doing my own thing. I find comfort doing stuff alone, but sometimes it would be nice to have another person just in the room.</div>
<div>I need to branch out and make the effort to meet people really, but it’s so cold I just want to stay indoors and hibernate.</div>
<div>What signs do you detect that give you an indication of weather to trust someone or not?</div>
<div>- V</div>October 24, 2018 at 12:22 pm #233043
I hope you feel better soon and am glad you are done with the drug experimentation and that you keep your family away from your relationship choices.
I understand your discomfort about him having female friends with whom he had a sexual relationships in the past. It concerns me that he is considering an open relationship in the future (what is that about?)
You mentioned earlier an age gap between the two of you, if I remember correctly. I wonder how significant that gap is?
I am not focused enough at this time and will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours or so. If you think it may help, and you are focused enough to do so, can you list your concerns about this man in short and clear sentences, 1, 2, 3 and so forth? If you do I will read and reply when I am back.
anitaOctober 25, 2018 at 4:21 am #233177
So yesterday I was rather tired and emotional so I was feeling rather low.
“You mentioned earlier an age gap between the two of you, if I remember correctly. I wonder how significant that gap is?” – 20 years.
“I understand your discomfort about him having female friends with whom he had a sexual relationships in the past.” – a lot of this I don’t really have a massive issue with it unless other people do (like other girls or my mum- mainly my mum tbh), it’s rather hypocritical of me anyway because I have a lot of male friends but barely any female friends. I think I just made it into an issue because I myself was feeling insecure and a lot of his friends have qualities he likes in a partner and well, there’s history.
“It concerns me that he is considering an open relationship in the future (what is that about?)” – I talked to him last night about this and I said “would you still be with me even if we never do the open relationship ever again?” (in reality I think it can work but only if the relationship is 110% and you aren’t in different cities) and his reply was “that was never a condition in the first place”.
We actually had a really good chat last night and I felt at peace because for the last two days I’ve felt restless because our convos have either been filler-convos as it were or emotionally draining.
Ultimately it comes down to fear. I have submit to fear which has made me scared to live life and scared to massively commit to him because even though a ring validates the existing feelings it felt like this overwhelming pressure to be on another level as a couple at the time.
I kind of wish I could natter on to my mum about this but I have to accept that I can’t and natter on here instead.
– VOctober 25, 2018 at 5:02 am #233187
I think you are in a difficult situation, as you know, of course. You will be meeting your ex for the purpose of perhaps resuming the relationship. Problem is, as you wrote Oct 14: “I get scared that I will trust him and he’ll turn and attempt to murder me out of rage… part of me questions if I really know him” and Oct 21 you wrote: “I am scared of knowing someone so well and then them turning on me”-
This turning-on-you experience is a reactivation of your early experience of your mother turning on you, a very powerful experience. Then there were later experiences with female friends who turned on you. But a girl’s relationship with her mother is the most powerful in forming those neuropathways in the brain that get reactivated.
When you took that drug and told your boyfriend that you don’t trust him, you added that he took good care of you at the time. Look back at the years you’ve known him: has he been trustworthy and in what ways?
Sure, he didn’t say and do what you wanted him to say and do, but this is not him being untrustworthy. It means he can’t read your mind and know what you want him to say and do at any one time (and if he was able to, it doesn’t mean he should have obeyed your wishes).
Was he trustworthy, being there with you when you needed care? Did he deceive you? Did he say one thing and did something clearly contradictory? Did he make promises he didn’t keep?
anitaOctober 31, 2018 at 12:27 pm #234817
I apologise for the late delayed reply.
“Look back at the years you’ve known him: has he been trustworthy and in what ways?” – Yes he has always been my number one supporter as it were and has always been reliable.
“Was he trustworthy, being there with you when you needed care?” yes. “Did he deceive you? Did he say one thing and did something clearly contradictory? Did he make promises he didn’t keep?” – no.
Thank you for the above questions, sometimes I need the most simple questions to get to the answer I am looking for, the answer I need to believe in.
So as you know, last weekend he came down to visit me, it seemed natural because it was always the plan for him to come and visit me at uni etc. There didn’t seem to be any need to really talk in depth about our relationship because we’ve come to a mutual understand and overall decided that we need to improve in communication.
As long as he understands or at least tries to understand that I have an irrational thought of people betraying my trust if I get really close to them and I understand that he feels like I don’t listen to what he says and that I just ramble about a topic (which I agree with).
The only issue with this weekend was that I didn’t feel any concrete emotion about him coming down, there was no massive “omg he’s here” like I thought there would be, however, that could be due to me feeling tired or nerves.
Currently, I am going to see my parents this coming weekend which is going to be a bit stressful. I feel guilty for not informing them about our reunited affair, however, I always question why people feel the need to tell their parents everything that is going on in their life to some degree, even though I have fallen into that trap. One theory is that as our parents have been overprotective as their child at times of uncertainty you want them to tell you if something is safe or not. Although, I have come to realise the old way I used to think when I moved out, which is its up to me to experience life and then from experience determine what is safe etc. One example is recently I have booked a lot of gig tickets and I am planning on attending on my own (which is the part I deem as safe) but I also plan to stay over in a hostel or hotel on my own (which due to comments from my parents my brain is telling me its unsafe).
This week I have realised the following things:
1.) I need to work on believing in my own opinions of the world.
2.) The anxiety around the turning-on experience is part of my brain having a disbelief that I am safe from harm (for example I am scared to go to the doctor after being surgery last year in case in results in more surgery). I need to work on this. Currently, my solution is eating better and getting more sleep.
3.) I may be unsure how I feel about my relationship with this guy. But I know that being half-in or out as it were caused uncertainty and limbo for both partys involved, so I am going to arrange a romantic hotel weekend break where neither of us are stressed and then I’ll decide. The reason for this is because I think environment and stress has been the main factors to the spark going out in our relationship.
Oh another point, we have been saying love you and the problem with that is I know I do love him but when I’ve said it the phrase feels empty. Maybe we have said it so much that the effect has worn off?
I apologise if I have rambled a bit.
– VOctober 31, 2018 at 12:58 pm #234833
I will be back to your thread in about fifteen hours, hope you take good care of yourself.
anitaNovember 1, 2018 at 3:25 am #234907
Your confusion is about trust: who to trust, who to not trust. If you figure out who in your life you shouldn’t trust, then you will be able to figure out who you should trust.
You wrote in your recent post, “our parents have been overprotective”, which would lead one to think that your mother protects you and you can trust her to protect you.
But on page 1 you shared regarding your mother: “One minute she will say I’m fat then the next minute tells me I’m beautiful… I put one stone on due to medical reasons and she made such a big deal about it… I challenged her about it and try to explain that it really affected me she denies it… she pushed me against a cupboard in my room”-
Is your mother trustworthy, can you trust her to be consistent with what she tells you, to not hurt your feelings, to listen to what you say and care about how you feel… to not push you against a cupboard?
anitaNovember 1, 2018 at 4:34 am #234917
The present version of me cannot trust her. I also frequently forget all the things she has done to hurt me and cause me issues. However, at times I do find that I go back to trusting her briefly, its almost like a nostalgic type of trust. For example, this weekend I need to stay over and in that moment I am going to need this nostalgic trust to get through the night without feeling too anxious.
With my current situation with my ex I have come to the realisation that me breaking up, moving out etc has been a survival technique so I’m in the best position for myself. The problem is to get there I had to hurt someone I deeply care about. I’m not saying this was conscious though, kind of a drive in the background that was driving my feelings at the time. How do I know if I have gained his trust completely? I feel like if I can gain his trust I will slowly trust him in return. I should add tho these trust issues with him only exist at 1am and therefore, they are rather irrational.
– VNovember 1, 2018 at 5:08 am #234923
“at times I do find that I go back to trusting her briefly, its almost like a nostalgic type of trust. For example, this weekend I need to stay over and in that moment I am going to need this nostalgic trust to get through the night without feeling too anxious”-
You described what a child does in a hostile home, make believe, best she can, that she is safe. A child has no way of leaving an unsafe home, so she makes believe, so to “get through the night without feeling too anxious”.
Now that you are an adult you have the option to no longer spend the night in the unsafe home of your childhood, and so, you don’t have to make believe anymore. If you don’t make believe that you are safe where you weren’t, you will not keep believing that you are in danger when you are safe.
anitaNovember 18, 2018 at 7:47 am #238263
How are you?