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Victoria

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  • #300321

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Liz,

    you just described exactly the place I am in with this new guy I have met. I also met him online and proceeded to do a lot of things in person to try and minimise just messaging online or via text. In the short time we have known each other he has met my friends, briefly a family member, I have met some of his friends, travelled and gone camping with him.

    It is very important for me to build trust, and the best way to do that is be in different situations together and see how each other acts. For example, I find that a lot of men act very true to themselves around their mates so I find it interesting to see if that version of him matches to how he is with me in private.

    Good luck though and keep your faith (:

    – V

    #300319

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    I apologise for my absence, I took some time to dive into every opportunity life gave me and now its solidly three months since I broke up officially with my ex that I had been on and off with for a while. I wish I could say I am so much happier and in a better place but I am sure that I have used everything as a distraction and now things have calmed down I am in a position where I am in my own head and company again all the feelings have come back.

    I have now come to the conclusion, although I should add it is a theory and not confirmed by a doctor, that I may have been suffering from PTSD so now I feel like I broke someone’s heart on false grounds. I have also found myself entangled in a relationship with a man who is giving me everything I wanted from my past relationship, which should be filling me with excitement and joy, but instead I feel guilty and overwhelmed by his intensity, yet ironically if he wasn’t being intense then I would be complaining he doesn’t tell me his feelings.

    The thing with my ex is he loved me and my mind turned him into the enemy, now I am in a better less anxious and paranoid place, in reflection I can see how much he cared for me.

    I don’t want to mess this new guy around but neither of us can deny that we don’t have strong feelings for each other. But some days he will tell me this amazing stuff and I just think it’s rubbish or my response is just numb.

    I know I’ve done everything rather fast but I find it difficult to do feelings slow, I am simultaneously missing my ex but also angry at him but I am increasingly running out of things to be angry at him for because we both contributed to the downfall of our relationship.

    Currently I feel like I drove my ex to want attention from others because intimacy stopped. So I just think what is the point of starting a new relationship with someone else if I’m going to drive them away? Also now I am in a better place I think I could work things out with my ex, but at the same time too much has been said and happened.

    I am rather unwell this weekend so I apologise if that was a ramble.

    My last questions are:

    1.) How does one accept love from someone without feat?

    2.) How do I figure out what I actually want when one moment I want a committed relationship and next I don’t want to be around anyone.

    One last major point that may be of interest is that I view love as control. If someone tells me they love me I go into fight mode because I am waiting for them to try and change me.

    I will read a few pages back to try and catch up. Again, I apologise for my absence.

     

    – V

    #281549

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo,

    It took me about 10 months to get out of my comfort zone, so take as long as you need. However, the fact that you know that you would like to make changes is a start to actually taking action. However, sometimes you just need to make a decision in a robotic state and try to not get too emotionally involved then hopefully down the line you will realise the benefits of that decision.

    It is normal to feel like you don’t know who you are after a relationship, I feel like a lot of people start off as themselves then end up becoming more like what they think their partner wants, even if its just in small ways. I would say just start off doing small things that you enjoy, like going for more walks or taking more photos or something.

    – V

    #281547

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    It is nice that you have reconnected with your ex. I have found from experience with my ex that it is so easy to fall back into just being “normal” so I am glad you initiated a deeper conversation.

    I do believe that it seems like he’s opened up more and being honest.

    My advice is to see where it goes. Sometimes couples just need space.

    – V

    #281543

    Victoria
    Participant

    Evening Everyone,

    I apologise for my absence again, I really need to start to be consistent again because you all keep me on track. I am afraid that this month I have emotionally relapsed, and I was doing SO well.

    Firstly, with my ex we have barely really talked the past two weeks its just been comforting to know he’s there if I need him. However, a user on here pointed out that this was toxic and that I am stringing him along, which I can see where that point of view is coming from. Even though I partially agree with that, I still can’t help but hope. But in the past 24 hours it has come to my attention that he went on a night out with a girl I was rather insecure about and always had an off feeling about, he didn’t tell me until the next morning and well hiding things from someone, isn’t that a red flag of a toxic relationship?

    You see it isn’t just the case that he is friends with her, I am not going to control who someone see’s, but I feel like they had a questionable relationship and in my opinion it was morally wrong and I decided it would be ok if he could just see my point of view and admit that he crossed a line. He said he was remorseful but also says he hasnt done anything wrong, which is infuriating. I am desperate to go into detail but its his business and I don’t know weather you trust me, but multiple women in my shoes would’ve walked out the door as soon as they heard about the relationship when it came up. It’s just the way it was just both of them and he insisted that they weren’t a couple etc when they went out. At first I convinced myself I was the one that was overthinking, but then I saw a couple-esque photo and it just sent me into a spiral of a sleepless night.

    Now, I do feel like I am coming across as if im saying everything’s his fault, I acknowledge that I’m not perfect either but it just lead me to a spiral of thinking have I been that much of an awful girlfriend that I’ve pushed him into the arms of someone else!?

    To add to this, he is also participating in a lifestyle that isn’t necessary in the context that he is attending events that well you can watch for free on your computer. I hope someone can read between the lines here and that is notorious for couples to go to. It was okay at first, but he has now stated he’s going to another event that is like a level-up from the last one and on top of this he hasn’t got the funds to do this.

    You see couples who attend these events are secure, ideally, the women there know that their husband or boyfriend adores them whilst I am sat their feeling uncomfortable and like a piece of meat, if I’m being completely honest.

    So emotionally I have relapsed but I am aware that I do not want to continue in this relationship and I am fully ready to accept that as fucking terrifying and upsetting it is to leave someone I cherish beyond words I don’t feel heard, respected and I don’t deserve to have anymore sleepless nights unless its the good kind.

     

    In addition to all that, I had a relapse with my family. I have not spoken to them for a month and a half, they have cut me off out of the will, have barely helped with university and overly-criticised me but at 1am I just broke down crying cause I just wanted a hug from my mum, regardless of whats happened in the past and I just got so wrapped up that I am completely on my own, or feel like it, and that if I don’t speak to them at all one day I won’t get to.

    So I rang them and apologised for being mean to them, we chatted and I genuinely felt better. However, instantly the next day my mum goes “can we have lunch?”, they live 2 1/2 hours away so I was a bit taken aback. I can’t allow myself to just ignore past issues so I need to develop boundaries that I will actually stick to.

    Overall,  I feel like I have come along leaps and bounds in terms of feeling peace with not engaging in these relationships and now I feel as though I have gone back 1000 steps.

    I will catch up on the thread now.

     

    – V

    #279859

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    I have thought about weather I am the “toxic” one and I am trying to own up to my mixed feelings because like you said it would be for his sake. The problem is that this recent behaviour of mine may be coming from a place of fear and it has only arisen in the past few months.

    You see I know I love him I just can’t seem to effortlessly love him, if that makes any sense.

    Any advice on how to fix being toxic? I don’t really want to be feeling like I am doomed to destroy every man or relationship I get in.

    – V

    #276025

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    I have had a busy day so I have just been reading the forum tonight. I will right a more detailed reply tomorrow as right now I just wanted to get on here and express myself as I am finding it difficult to sleep tonight.

    Today was a good day as I have thrown myself into uni work and attempting to socialise so I break my hinbernation mode I seem to have become so familliar with recently. Everything was going fine until I went to socialise with a group of individuals who were watching a movie. Now prior to spontaneously turning up I did not know what movie it was, turns out it was one my ex’s favourite and on top of that a lot of it was grusome and unpleasant with some triggers that made my anxiety increase.

    After an event that momentarily made me feel happy and confident I had put myself out there and proved that its not as hard as my mind makes it out to be when I came home I felt shattered and hoped that it would mean I might get an early night.

    However, all I have done is wondered if he is okay and just thought the worst of the worst. At the weekend all I could imagine was him with someone else. I am like @kkasxo ex, I do not want a relationship with anyone right now.

    Currently, I believe it stems from fear and lacking confidence, I need to find the parts I lost of myself and unfortunately my ex, due to a traumatic event that I did not seek help for until after six months of beating myself up about it meant that the relationship became stressful when before it had been my safe haven, it was why I knew I needed to end it for him just as much for myself. – sorry if I am repeating myself, just needed to add some context.

    So this evening I can’t get comfy and I think I am allergic to my eyeliner so my eyes have been sensative to light which has not helped . I just wish he would reach out even if its just a “how are you”, because he is not active on social media so I can’t quickly check, even if he was posting kissing someone new at least I would know he was okay. Why do I feel this need to protect someone who is older and has looked after themselves long before they met me?

    I may be at the anger/sad or just sad stage as I started trying to convince myself of all the flaws so I could justify my decision to end things and why he hasn’t contacted. It angers me because he knows im a worrier but at the same time it my emotions arent his responsibility and he doesn’t know I am wondering if he’s okay after a weekend of partying (what happens if he ended in a&e from drinking too much?, those kind of thoughts are whirring around my mind right now).

    I’ve just felt on edge after that movie and he would be the person I would seek comfort from. The comfort I would give myself right now would be sleep but I have a headache from crying and I am too awake. You know the state where you can feel the physical tiredness but your brain won’t sync with your body. I might try meditation.

    – V

    • This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Victoria.
    #275873

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    I believe the reason you miss your ex so much after your fun weekend is just the low after the high as it were. Maybe write a list of why you enjoy being single? I did that and then when I get pangs where I think “he could be with someone else, he’s texting the same cute things to her as he did to me” and get in a bit of a state, I write a list that reminds me of the positives.

    Well done on going to the cinema with another guy, even if it is just a friend , that is a big step. I nearly did the same oddly enough but I cancelled because it didn’t feel right. Then because I had cancelled I ended up overthinking about how my ex was out there living his life and I am struggling to go outside.

    I may be getting on with uni work, but it is on a Computer and basically, gives me an excuse to stay inside. This week I am focusing on getting to lectures, I know when I am there I love the tutors and the lectures, its just getting there. But its not just uni, I am finding it difficult to get to the shops, I only go now when I run out of essentials such as toilet roll. At least I am getting my moneys worth when it comes to rent. But I do need to be aware this is an issue.

    Again, well done for going out, if anything you found out that you may not be ready for cinema trips but you may be ready to meet for coffee? Sometimes its the environment as such as the person you’re with at the time.

    – V

    • This reply was modified 8 months ago by  Victoria.
    #275687

    Victoria
    Participant

    Dear Anita:

    1. If I understand correctly you broke up with your boyfriend most recently, yet again… what is the status on the relationship with him, and is financial support from him non-existing and not something you see in the future?

    We are not together anymore and we are barely on talking terms. I do not see any financial support from him in the future, after he paid my rent last year I actually owe him thousands of pounds. However, he will not receive that until I’m in a job.

    2. Your mother still doesn’t know where you live, your parents provide no financial support to you and you don’t see that in the future either, and you visit them from time to time? My parents have given me some money that I have put aside but ultimately they refused at the beginning of the course to help me out. So even if my mum sends me money there’s a condition, for example she sent me some money then because I wasn’t being as communicative as maybe I shouldve been then she complained that she had given me any money.

    3. When do you graduate and what are your plans regarding using your education and degree for future gainful employment? I shall be working in the tech industry so I should have a comfortable wage.

    Anyhow, I apologise for complaining it was something that was on my mind. I have done a budget today and I will be okay, its just everything at the moment is a bit of a worry and I am trying to reduce the amount of worrying I do and replace the hours I spend worrying with action. The questions above where helpful to put things into perspective.

    – V

    #275685

    Victoria
    Participant

    Shelby,

    spending time with your sister sounds so fun! Also I relate to being in a place where you and an ex where before, its strange because it feels so familiar yet a lifetime away.

    Have an amazing time!

     

    – V

     

     

    #275683

    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo,
    I may try going online in a few weeks, possibly in my birthday month. It is crazy to think that it is nearly a year since I instigated a split from my boyfriend, which means I have put myself on this up/down rollercoaster for months for no good reason. I suppose its a life lesson to know when to walk away.

    I used to believe I had boundaries and to some degree I did, but its almost with hurt and time they have been removed, or more likely my family have no respected my privacy and therefore I don’t know what healthy boundries are or at least I know what they are but I do not know how to stick to them.

    Then on top of that I am not even sure of my own boundaries as some come with life experience, for example, due to sexual experiences I know what boundaries I have and will tell the person what I will tolerate and what I will not, but that has come with some trial and error, and situations that have not been respectful.

    I went down the social media stalking rabbit hole earlier, my ex does not use social media much but as I knew who he was out with I looked at theres. I didn’t find anything useful, i’m not even sure what I was looking for. I think calling him my ex is becoming more familiar which is a start.

    I thought we could be civil and at least maybe keep some sort of “how are you” like some couples do after they divorce, although I have found that is easy if the love had completely gone so maybe I will reframe from messaging him as it doesnt help. I remember that last time when it got to two weeks that, again, was the point I stared to miss him and want contact again.

    I am trying to find the lesson at the moment, something positive to take away from it and possibly something I can take into future connections.

    – V

    #275677

    Victoria
    Participant

    Shelby,
    In terms of the dating website stuff last night I was feeling lonely because I knew my ex was out and I was just sitting in. At times I do find myself forgetting that I want to stay in, in fact theres so many things that come with not being in a relationship that I enjoy but the comfort of a relationship can haunt me some nights, especially when I used to skype him a lot on an evening.

    I have an appointment booked for 1st Feb, I wanted to give myself some time to assess how I am doing and maybe for things to improve before I go and see a professional, I would like to go and be like I specifically would like to work on my anxiety which is getting in the way of socialising etc rather than just going along and venting about ten things at once (although i am sure that will happen regardless).

    I think boundries with my mum will come in time, I do find that she does say generic things that are nice to hear which then make my brain go “oh she’s talking sense” but then I will replay the conversation and realise the tone at times is accusing or that actually when I got off the phone I spiralled into being unfocused and self-doubt. I have noticed recently that she is giving me directions that literally are telling me what to do, this may seem harmless but she is telling me things I already know and am doing, so instead of asking “hows studying going?” she is saying “when you have nothing else going on study”, now I understand that as a parent sometimes you may not be sure what to say but I don’t appreciate feeling like I am being told what to do like I am a child. Although i am aware my inner child could be coming out and being resentful of being told what to do etc so I could easily be overreacting.

    I am going to write a do’s and don’t list before I pick up the phone next time, for example, keep it brief and dont give loads of detail away because the more detail I give I feel like I am almost giving my identity to someone to mould. I am unsure if that makes sense.

    Today I had a lovely chat with a friend and a guy that has been a good friend to me over the past few years about going away to Spain. We don’t have a lot of money but our mental health definately needs it, it also gives me that extra motivation to apply to jobs when I don’t want to.

    Many people are glad that we have 5 months out of the year as holiday from University but I find it ludicrious as I am now trying to build myself a temp solution for 5 months in a short time period. Again, I have enquired with my friend weather I could live with her. I am basically putting it out there because even if they decide they dont want to live with me at least they could possibly support me finding a place to live.

    I have actually had a weird day, last night I dreamt about my first ever boyfriend which was strange and then I actually got some University work done which again instilled into me how productive I can be if I just get started with it. Yesterday I was rattled with guilt but today I got a lot off my chest and feel a bit more in control and put myself first. Its interesting I never saw doing uni work as self-love.

    In terms of the twitch in your eye that could be due to concentration and staring at screens, do you where glasses?

    How has your day been?

    – V

    #275531

    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sorry about this. So I lived with him for five years then moved away for University. I do not have a part time job yet I am on the hunt for one.

    My boyfriend helped me in my first year and so I got by pretty well, however, I didn’t like feeling I was in a relationship because of financial security. As you have seen from my mums behaviour she is toxic and therefore any financial help that comes from them has conditions attached.

    I will be okay financially up to a point, but it is just something that weighs on my mind at like 3am. I am just currently stuck living day by day which is okay and most likely better for my mental health, although I have a growing panic in the back of my mind about the long term.

    – V

    #275529

    Victoria
    Participant

    Morning Shelby,

    “. If you last through no contact, the withdrawal starts to ease? I dunno.” – Yeah Im sure in time we will all look back and itll be hazy. I too have been overthinking about my ex but I broke the no contact rule which hasnt helped.

    ” I vary between being so pissed off at him for not knowing what he had, to questioning did he lie about how much he cared for me along. It’s a spinning web!” – thats what ive done this evening, I was ranting to my friend about my ex but I think im trying to find ways in which he was the bad guy to ease my guilt or make it easier to accept its over (which im still in denial about).

    “going from 100% to nothing is cruel” – I believe this is his way of having healthy boundries, something I need to work on myself as I continuously allow people to disrespect me or walk all over me as it were then find myself in situations I dont want to be in just because I haven’t spoken out about where the line is with me. But I believe thats because I’m not sure where the line actually is as im a rather chill person and dont want to feel like im constructing walls around me that would mean a relationship would be full of rules, I want relationships to be freeing and spontaneous. idk, something to work on I suppose.

    “believe this includes attending lectures, because it’s about your future, your career, your path to freedom in a way. What’s more important than that kind of self love?!” – Yes I agree with this, I lost sight of why I am doing what I am doing for the most of this week and this morning I awoke from a nightmare where I had a confronting argument with my ex which I had wanted to have but we never did because I felt like I was attacking him and trying to change him.

    I have actually asked my friend if they would accompany me on a holiday so I will hopefully get to plan that and work towards it.Although I keep demonising people, I am struggling with trust. My mum will allow me to open up then use the info I told her against me so now if I open up to others about serious and personal matters I overthink they will use it to hurt me. Any tips on how I could control this?

    I don’t think your ex lied to you, I think you varying in how you feel is a part of this really long process. Have you thought about going on any dating apps or sites? I know there was a short discussion about this a few pages back, I am thinking about going on one just for a bit of a confidence trust, even just friendship.

    – V

    #275511

    Victoria
    Participant

    Kkasxo, Shelbyville,

    One last point I haven’t mentioned is that I have decluttered 80% of my possessions because so much reminds me of the last five years and I also have a theory that if the only thing I own is my Computer and clothing I may actually do more work as there’s less distractions.

    My question is how, if you have, discarded the photographs or physical items your ex gifted you? I have made a five year scrapbook which was part of my grieving for the relationship but I have valentines/birthday cards alongside other items that he gifted me that are currently sat in a suitcase out of sight. I still have the photoframe that is full of photos of us (still wrapped up) that had been his christmas present under my bed!

    – V

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 103 total)