Cutting toxic people out of your life / Relationship Dilemma

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    Hi there,

    Many user’s on this site have replied to my previous posts and I have responded or applied advice to my actual life. As a quick recap it has nearly been a year where I have been on and off with my partner who I have been solidly with for five years. Together we made an amazing team but after a strained relationship with my family and a negative drug experience I sort of exploded and left the relationship due to feeling insecure, confused and like I was lying every-time I said “I love you”.

    I have recently cut my family off, I ideally wanted to do this with a therapist or some sort of support, however, I have not been able to access that support or when I am close to reaching out/looking for the support I tell myself I don’t need it and I am doing fine.

    In terms of my partner and I, we are currently “on”, we aren’t dating but just talking. I have said I want a non-monogamous relationship as when its just me and him I get overly protective, jealous and too involved emotionally to the point where if I don’t hear from him after a night out to know if he got home okay then I won’t sleep. So the non-monogamy is almost a defence mechanism, I don’t want to get too involved essentially.

    I am stuck at this point where I feel like when I’m not in any contact with him I feel alone, abandoned and upset, even though I am sleeping better, being more social and probably coping with life better than I do when I am with him. However, when he tells me he loves me, sends me x’s or just puts his feelings out there I don’t want any of it. I have also felt a sense of anxiety around him, I get worried he will just flip from being nice to being mean. Essentially, he will turn into the woman I just cut out my life.

    I feel like I have ruined what we once had and anything I say is a lie. Telling him I love him doesn’t feel sincere, however, telling him I don’t want to be with him feels like I am throwing away a relationship that may be one of the best relationships I have ever had.

    I should add that this guy I have been with for the past five years is someone who I have been able to be myself with. Everyone else I have been with I seem to wear a mask of who they want me to be rather than just being myself.

    I guess my main point is has anyone got advice about cutting off toxic people and knowing how to avoid inviting the same toxic people into your life?

    To those who I have been messaging over the past year or months, I apologise for my absence.

    – V


    Hi Victoria,

    It’s hard to cut family out of your life. I would visit them less, have them call you and then only have no more than fifteen minutes of basic politeness on the phone.

    As for your boyfriend, have you considered that you might be the “toxic” one?

    You tell him you want a non-monogamous relationship. He thinks “Oh great, another guy!” probably.

    You say “I love you” but he doesn’t hear the sincerity in your voice. Or you don’t say those words at all.

    You are keeping him around because there’s nothing else out there.

    Please cast him loose. For his sake.




    Hi Inky,

    I have thought about weather I am the “toxic” one and I am trying to own up to my mixed feelings because like you said it would be for his sake. The problem is that this recent behaviour of mine may be coming from a place of fear and it has only arisen in the past few months.

    You see I know I love him I just can’t seem to effortlessly love him, if that makes any sense.

    Any advice on how to fix being toxic? I don’t really want to be feeling like I am doomed to destroy every man or relationship I get in.

    – V


    Dear Victoria:

    Somehow I missed a thread you started Dec last year, three months ago. There you wrote about your on-again-off-again boyfriend, at the time being on: “He met up with one of (his ex girlfriends).. he sent me a message that said they had gone for drink/food and that she was staying over”, and that this message sent you “off into a spiral of irrational and rational thinking.. still awake…. I should not be this anxious about the situation… I cannot sleep and will not relax until I hear from him at some point today where he will.. tell me how he slept on the sofa or something”.

    On this thread you wrote that “when I’m not in any contact with him I feel alone, abandoned and upset, even though I am sleeping better, being more social and probably coping with life better than I do when I am with him”.

    My input today: I can’t think of a single woman who will not be concerned about her boyfriend having a date (food and alcohol) with a woman who is not his mother or sister or maybe first cousin, then taking the woman home with him to spend the night.

    The fact that he told you about the date and night doesn’t mean he told you everything about that night. The logic of partial sharing would be: if I slept with her, I wouldn’t have told you that she spent the night!

    But not necessarily so.

    Evidence is that you sleep better and cope better in life when not in a relationship with him. What better evidence can there be that you should not be in a relationship with him.




    Hi Again,

    If this is the same guy, it would take a lot of effort to effortlessly love him after admitting he took an ex girl friend home.

    Just my Opine,


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