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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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Viewing 15 posts - 856 through 870 (of 2,308 total)
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  • #275843
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    P.S- I hope you’re ok. Tummy bug massively going around. Trying drinking cooled boiled water.

    #275873
    Victoria
    Participant

    Hi Shelby,

    I believe the reason you miss your ex so much after your fun weekend is just the low after the high as it were. Maybe write a list of why you enjoy being single? I did that and then when I get pangs where I think “he could be with someone else, he’s texting the same cute things to her as he did to me” and get in a bit of a state, I write a list that reminds me of the positives.

    Well done on going to the cinema with another guy, even if it is just a friend , that is a big step. I nearly did the same oddly enough but I cancelled because it didn’t feel right. Then because I had cancelled I ended up overthinking about how my ex was out there living his life and I am struggling to go outside.

    I may be getting on with uni work, but it is on a Computer and basically, gives me an excuse to stay inside. This week I am focusing on getting to lectures, I know when I am there I love the tutors and the lectures, its just getting there. But its not just uni, I am finding it difficult to get to the shops, I only go now when I run out of essentials such as toilet roll. At least I am getting my moneys worth when it comes to rent. But I do need to be aware this is an issue.

    Again, well done for going out, if anything you found out that you may not be ready for cinema trips but you may be ready to meet for coffee? Sometimes its the environment as such as the person you’re with at the time.

    – V

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Victoria.
    #275903
    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning all, been a while, catching up here. Sounds like some ups and downs for all, glad to hear you are all hanging in there and doing the best you can with where you are at – can do no more than that.

    Shelby, for sure, I think it’s the same as grieving – the so-called process may be the same but people will go through it very differently, some getting stuck at a stage for ages, some apparently flying through them all only to land right back at the beginning.. It’s all personal, it’s our journey through life right.  I can understand why the happy weekend and the night out brought you down, it can be a pretty stark reminder of what you are missing in your life now. I think I had it easier in that it wasn’t too long after we split he started seeing someone else. Which was surprisingly helpful in moving onto the anger stage ( if you are curious, Green Day tracks were my new best friend…excellent words…. ) once I’d picked myself off the floor again….  When you know he’s still out there and available it must be harder choosing not to go back but forwards. One thing I’ve had to learn is to try to only consider situations/decisions when I’m in a good place myself, as otherwise my judgement is driven by fear/anger/sadness instead of either rational or hopeful/optimistic thoughts.  But your therapist sounds great in not letting you hide from dealing with it all – so irritating but true if you don’t want to go round the same loop again some point later in life.

    Take care all.

    #275905
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Victoria,

    Perhaps you are just in the depression phase of the process, it may not last forever and I definitely think once you get back to the routine of lectures and tutorials that you enjoy, it will give you more motivation to do other things.

    Michelle,

    My big issue is that he says he doesn’t want a relationship. Ever. He says he has realised he is meant be be alone and that if he could be with anyone in the world, it would be me, but he’s better off alone. If he goes and finds someone else….I will be insanely angry. I’m aware he’s a man and I’m sure he is not going to join a monastery but that’s different, if he’s just messing around the way he always used to before he met me. But if he actually starts going out with someone else, I’ll be devastated.

    Today, I am very sad. Actually I feel sharp pain. Again, I’m guess it’s hormonally triggered but it’s still hard. I don’t feel as though I have progressed much and feel like I just want to be with him now. That is seems so silly and stupid that we are not together. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I realise I’m still extremely unhappy and while people will say it’s been months now, and it has, it still feels like it happened a couple of weeks ago. It’s so weird.

    #275907
    Michelle
    Participant

    Yeah, I hated the bit where people started switching from sympathetic to hey, it’s been a while, you should be over it by now. There is no ‘should be’ in any of this stuff, to my mind anyway. If you know you are prone to hormones, I’d hang on till it’s past and then see how you feel.

    Apols if you’ve written this before – did he say why he didn’t want to be in a relationship? Any kind of relationship at all or just a committed relationship? As in would he have wanted to stay with you if you were ok staying casual for ever etc? Please don’t read that as if you that would have been ok for you to accept that if it wasn’t what you wanted ( you know that anyway, I know ) – I’m just curious as to what may be his underlying thinking.

    #275909
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Good morning ladies,

    Shelby – your kind words never seem to amaze me! Honestly! I wish I could be so kind to myself when I take massive steps back in my progress. I did indeed get very sick, very quickly and felt panicked I guess, so it was an easy option running back to comfort as we always call it. Now on the other hand, I feel myself triggered by tiny things that he is doing again and I realise just how much anguish the contact has caused me. Although being away from him is extremely difficult emotionally at least I feel at peace. That peace once more has been disrupted. I’m overthinking again, I’m questioning his intentions, I am in anxious mode all over again! The up and down of it all is so exhausting I just cant rationalise with myself why I keep doing this! It honestly is like a drug isn’t it…

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re deep in your feelings once more. I think Victoria maybe has a point of the extremes of it all, the highs (weekend with your sister) followed by the lows, when reality kicks in. I do think maybe the cinema trip with your friend was a bad idea as he expressed romantic interest and you are not interested or ready for that but we live and we learn! This is a very individual process to all so do not be ashamed that you are back to feeling rubbish again. We WILL get through every part of this. The up’s and the downs!

     

    #275911
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Michelle,

    He said he found being in a relationship really difficult, he didn’t believe it would be as hard as it was. He never explored why. That would have required some sort of discussion with a therapist. All we can do is surmise. My therapist feels he was absolutely terrified and also had an obligation to his family of origin that started when he was much younger which does not allow him to build himself his own separate life. Who knows. I know I just miss him deeply. I am still trying to create bad elements to him, but personality-wise, he is still the best man I have ever known. Kind, caring, generous, chivalrous, respectful, passionate. Anyway, i’m going down a rabbit hole, so I best stop now!

    Kkasxo,

    In fairness to my mate, he has not expressed any romantic interest, so I could just be running off with my imagination. Either way, I didn’t enjoy it. Also, while the weekend was nice, I still felt so lonely. I loved being there with my sister but would have also loved being back there with my ex. I definitely know I am not in acceptance mode because I still hear in the barrels of heart echoing around, that we might still be together yet. How looney am I?

    Do you have more peace with or without your ex? Remember, our minds are complicated things and sometimes we can be sabotaging too when we don’t know we are and fear could also be controlling us when we believe we’re in control!

    #275913
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    I’m feeling extra rubbish this morning. I have journaled loads and cannot focus at work. I hate the person who I have become throughout this never ending, hopeless process. I just want to skip this all together, honestly, one of the hardest things I have ever gone through! It is like grieving someone who is still alive and their actions still affect you!

    I have come to the conclusion that I hate love. Because it has the power to make you feel oh so content and wonderful but God it can break you to the extreme too! Not a fan anymore.

    #275915
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Sorry I didn’t see your response before my last post!

    My mum mentioned to me at one point that you can be surrounded by those who love you, friends family etc but it will never compare to the kind of love from your partner. And I think that hits home for you regarding the weekend, yes of course you love your sister and you loved spending time with her BUT it is a different kind of love and joy if you were there with your ex.. It’s not to say its more or less, it is just different.

    Once again, you were with him for a very long time so let yourself feel sad, afraid, not ready to accept the fact that it is over. The thing is, you don’t want to not be with him, you don’t want to be without him so it is only natural that your brain holds any kind of hope of a what if. The important thing is maybe to allow yourself to feel the what if’s but still focus on your life as it is in the present? The reality is none of us know what the future holds. Who knows, you could reunite with your ex, you could not, we do not know. But it is important to still do everything in our power to be present in the here and now – I say this but I know it is a lot harder doing than saying!

    To answer your question, right now, although extremely difficult, I feel more at peace without him. Because when I am without him I don’t worry about his next move, I don’t worry that he may say something and do another out of pure stupidity, I don’t know what he is up to or why and it doesn’t have the power to affect me, my emotions and my day. Essentially, keeping him at a distance means he cant hurt me, whether intentional or not he just cannot because he doesn’t have access to my life.

     

    #275925
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Kkasxo,

    Im right there with you today. I cannot focus and I feel rubbish!!! BUT….I’m still great. Yes I am, Martha ain’t gonna get a grip on me today…..you do not hate the person you have become. You dislike being broken hearted. You’re still a kind, funny, caring, intelligent woman aren’t you? Someone didn’t come with Kyrptonite did they and strip you of your lifelong powers?!!! Now you just had additional stuff – heartbreak, anxiety and pain. Of course, that’s not nice, but it’s not the sum total of who you are, it’s merely what has prominence at the moment. The old Kammy is still there, you can’t have a personality transplant, but you’re just dealing with a lot of stuff right now! Plus I like you…and I’m usually a good judge of character! Be nice to yourself. Right now, say something nice to yourself in your head. Even if it’s silly, think of your best friend being in your situation right now and came over to your desk to ask for help, what would you say? Say it to yourself now.

    The peaceful feeling when you’re away from your ex makes sense. You’re protecting yourself from further hurt. But you are kind of between two stools, because you are not fully saying ‘okay, being with you increases my anxiety and I often get hurt, so no more’, but you’re not saying ‘ok, Im scared, but I want to be with you’, so I guess for both your sakes, that’s why a decision would eventually have to be made. It’s cruel on both of ye to have no certainty as to where ye are at. It’s not to be rushed, and therapy will definitely help, but ultimately I’d say that’s what it will come down to, when things such as the special date pass etc.

    Big hugs for you.

     

     

    #275935
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Back to feeling meh eh?! Makes two of us! You’re so good though still trying to rationally tell yourself that Martha or your feelings will not get you down.

    I literally cannot see any of those positive things in myself anymore. I have victimised myself completely in my eyes and I do not like one bit of it. I want to be this strong, level-headed woman that I make out to be but I just am not, I am not that person right now. I want to rationally get it in my head that I am worthy, amazing, incredible and the lot but I just do not believe it at this point. I don’t know how to help myself anymore because anything I do just isn’t working. We don’t have contact, i’m unhappy, we have contact, i’m unhappy. Anything I do I am unhappy. Literally wish I could just erase him and anything related to him out of my mind.

    I actually said to myself, if I had the chance to meet him again, I would run so far in the other direction! I wish I did.

    Sorry for rambling on! I’m getting bored of it myself. I’m tired, so so so tired at this point.

     

    #275941
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hang in there guys – I remember that part so well. In fact, I remember saying out loud to myself one day that I might as well give up on the idea of ever being happy again myself and therefore I’d give my life to making other people happy, so it had some use and purpose. Sounds crazy now but that was truly how I felt, nobody was ever going to be able to make me feel as safe, secure, happy and just so damn close as my ex.  Funnily enough, I think now that perhaps by giving up any semblance of control, terrifying and depressing as it was, helped me let go without even really knowing it.

    There’s zero point trying to make yourself feel something, you either do or you don’t. Knowing something logically – as in you both sound like great, kind and intelligent women to me – and feeling it when you are down is a whole different ballgame. I do remember though when I had my especially bad times, if I or my friends/family could kick my proverbial off the sofa/bed just for a while, spend some time either in nature or with good company, it passed a hell of a lot quicker.

    #275943
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Michelle,

    Sorry I meant to answer you further. He maintains it’s that he’s ‘not cut out’ for ANY relationship. My therapist feels if I quelled the need for more, we probably could have stayed together long term, with nothing more on offer, but meeting as we had been doing for the previous four years. For me now, I question everything that was said. Was he not as happy as he appeared to be with me etc? My head is fuzzy and my heart is broken!

    Kkasxo,

    That makes sense, I’m not happy doing ANYTHING at the moment and certainly don’t feel good about myself. To say I’m surviving is about the most I can muster now, strong, sensible independent woman is not something I feel right now, but would love to have that opinion.

    Im missing my ex massively. It’s so hard because when we’re together it’s just easy…in a way….I’m happy. But when I think about it overall, obviously I was not, because I wanted more. But I adored being with him when it wasn’t frustrating and I still can’t figure out why I can’t DO something or CHANGE something to make this work between us.

     

    #275945
    Michelle
    Participant

    Ah, Shelby. Yeah, I questioned everything about the six years we had been together as to how I could have been so blind/ignorant – especially as I thought we’d been both so close and happy. If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of relationship did you guys have and what did you want it to be? Did you live together? Monogamous? Or was it a case of you wanting marriage/kids and he didn’t see that?

    If by not cut out for any relationship means not being able to commit to you in any way, does seem either a bit of a cake/eat it guy or such a fear of intimacy/commitment. I know, the biggest frustration is thinking there must be a way to understand and therefore change it. But at the end of the day, and this won’t sound right to you right now, but it actually doesn’t matter – whatever his reason you can’t change him, you can only change yourself. So all the time spent wondering and analysing is a lot of wasted agony on your part.  I have pretty much no doubt your therapist is right when he/she says if you could accept what he was offering, you would still be together. What was he actually offering you? Though I think you’ve already decided you can’t do that as it is not enough for you?? If so, the problem is accepting the consequence of that decision, which is to continue through this cr@ppy process until you come out the other end…

    #275961
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Michelle,

    The idea of doing something for others whilst not being able to keep yourself happy is amazing, but whether it’ll be effective for me personally I’m not sure. I’m a natural giver. I give give give and give until there is nothing left to give. I put others first before myself always. It’s just who I am, and in the process of this all I’ve learnt that I have basically become a doormat to many people. Walking in and out when they please, getting in touch in times of need because they know I’ll always give and I am drained. I am trying to learn how to change.

    Shelby – I hope your day is going just a little bit better. Mine sure isn’t. I feel like I’m stuck in that despair mode again like I MUST contact him. I MUST see him. I have to get my fix, it’s sick. I hope the rest of the day passes quickly..

Viewing 15 posts - 856 through 870 (of 2,308 total)

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