Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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January 18, 2019 at 2:05 am #275295

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Uh oh….I hear Martha!!! No kicking butts, unless it’s your ex haha! Do you want to know when I started to…improve….or maybe not improve….but not feel as bad….was when I stopped kicking myself in the head, for not being where I am supposed to be or feeling what I ‘should’ be feeling, or moving on quick enough. The anxiety and upset started to slowly drift when I would shrug my shoulders and say…ok…I am where I am….I’m not going to be mean to myself about it. So maybe give it a go for a few weeks and see if it helps at all.

You are no loser…..It’s an acknowledged truth that a break up that is straight forward can take about 18 months to heal from, maybe even two years. That’s without a major trauma like you had, so if you ask me, you ain’t doing so bad on the timelime at all! I’m glad therapy is helping, it does work over time because as I explained in the beginning, my therapist says emotion comes from a latin word which means outward. Feelings are meant to be expressed outward, so you’re doing great.

Of course you don’t want to move on…..before last summer was awesome!!! An if that were still a possibility you’d be silly to let it go! I was the same, I wanted all the times he held my hand or cuddled me or called me, but that was JUST the good times. It also included being let down and disappointed when we couldn’t move forward, so if I got it back, those elements would still be part of it. You can’t go back Kkasxo I’m afraid, Pandora’s box has been opened and your relationship can’t ever be the same as before last Summer again. Maybe it could be new and better, but it can’t be the same, because you’re no longer the same people ye were in Jan 2018.

I have begged my therapist for ways of putting my myriad of feelings back into Pandora’s box, when I protected myself against risk or fear my whole life…but he giggles and says, nope, no can do! It’s out and it’s better out!!! So the effort continues!

January 18, 2019 at 2:19 am #275297

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

Yes maybe I need to accept that this is where I am at and for the time being I can’t change that. I can only try to be better each and every day, which I have been doing. Hopefully with that Martha can stop kicking my ass!

You’re right, anything before Summer 2018 no longer exists and that isn’t just regarding our relationship. The woman I was, as I knew her no longer exists. My life prior to that no longer exists. Everything has changed! I suppose it is our human nature to miss the good times in life especially when times are pretty rubbish at the moment but I have to accept that it is no longer that and I cant do anything about it. I’m struggling with accepting that though.

This morning has been sooooooo difficult. I want to reach out to him so badly. I want to meet with him and hear what he has to say. WHY?!!!!! What could he possibly say that will change anything right now?! God, I feel like I will never get over this. Honestly, it feel’s like i’ll never get away, that i’ll never be okay, i’ll always miss him, i’ll always love him and i’ll never move on. The thing is, I can actually feel physical pain in my chest, my anxiety is once again at an all time high!

January 18, 2019 at 2:50 am #275299

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

You poor thing. I know how bad it hurts, I really do. Look it, if you want to hear what he has to say, don’t beat yourself up. Maybe you could meet him on the understanding that you still need space, but if he needs to express something, then fine, but he must understand it won’t change anything.

It’s exhausting, but you ARE further along the process than when we first started corresponding. It’s hard to see when you’re in a situation, but I can see it more clearly from the outside. My therapist said initially a lot of my anxiety was being caused by the constant mulling over decisions about doing something, that something could still be done, when in fact, it could not. I was using so much energy on it every day, so that’s why I gave in and contacted him, I figured I deal whatever way the chips would fall, but at least I wouldn’t waste any more mental space deciding or fighting it.

Also….a little reality check in the past half hour for me. For a brief moment, I got a shot of pain, like a real shot. It’s gone now again and nothing in particular triggered it, so I think it reveals perhaps that I’m just in shut off mode lately, not that I’m actually getting over it, but that I’ve completely shut myself down. It’s not something I did consciously and I don’t know how to turn it off, but it is what it is!

Like Dory says in Finding Nemo….just keep swimming….just keep swimming…

January 18, 2019 at 2:57 am #275301

Shelbyville
Participant

Oh also….if you have headphones…. this song reminded me of your situation…don’t listen if you don’t feel like it!

https://youtu.be/fXuo7nk7tQ4

January 18, 2019 at 3:06 am #275303

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

I love that song! So damn accurate!

I do really want to contact him but at the same time I’m so afraid that I will feel even worse after. Also, I guess I am wondering will I look silly in his eyes? Will he think YES! GOT THERE IN THE END LIKE WE ALWAYS DO! Or ‘I knew she’d come round eventually!’.. I don’t want him to have that benefit at all!!

I guess meeting with your ex did help you in the way that it cleared the expectations, affirmed what the situation is and what it isn’t and you have been so much better for it! So yes, sometimes it does really help to just assure our stupid hearts!

I know that shutdown mode so well as it seems to be my coping mechanism over the last few months. It’s good in a sense that it gives you a break but on the other hand not great for dealing with things in the long run as they are bound to catch up on you eventually! Something I’m currently trying to work on. You haven’t been there that long yet so maybe just enjoy it while it lasts although I do think that some acceptance has to do with it too. I think maybe you have accepted to an extent the fact that you are unable to change your current situation, it is literally out of your hands.

January 18, 2019 at 3:36 am #275305

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Oh this little control freak still has notions that I can create a different situation than the one I am currently faced with. Hard to kill a lifetime of thinking a certain way.

At any rate, I’m going to enjoy this weekend break away and try not to think about it too much at all so I can get rid of this stupid eye twitch!

I completely see what you mean about contact with your ex. You make a good point, he can’t think ye’ve ended up how ye always ended up….something HAS to be different this time to get a different outcome! Well done!

January 18, 2019 at 3:53 am #275307

Kkasxo
Participant

I do think it’s difficult to fight the urges when it is our human nature to behave/feel a certain way. For example, I have always been the kind of person to give endless chances, I’ve seen this across my professional life when I was unhappy at work, throughout friendships which ended up abusing my well-being or boundaries, not just relationships. I am WAY TOO Ultimately it took not only a build up of events but also one major event to take place for me to walk away thinking enough is enough. I wonder if that just has not happened with him yet and that is why I’m yearning to reach out, either that or there is just a lot more to loose this time around as love is involved.

Who knows! Nonetheless, you’ve got the right attitude about the weekend! Absolutely go and enjoy yourself, relax, unwind and enjoy your moments with your sister before baby comes along 🙂

January 18, 2019 at 5:22 am #275311

Kkasxo
Participant

Goodness me! He has showed up at my workplace.. I guess the need for contact was just as strong on his end today!

We went for a brief lunch and I sat the whole time in silence listening to what he had to say. Everything about apologising that it has taken him so long and being on the brink of losing me for him to realise that all I ever asked of him was to have a normal life. He advised that he cannot and doesn’t want to live without me, not now and not ever and therefore would like for us to begin ‘building a life together’. He is setting up a proper plan to work towards the goal of a mortgage however he understands, accepts and would like to now go ahead with the rental property together once my family leave. He claims he understands now that there isn’t ever really a good time for things and you’ve just gotta go into it one foot before the other etc etc etc I could go on about everything that he said!

Sounds like a whole load of shambles to me! Pure desperation. Different actions really do have a different outcome eh?!

He said he realises this all sounds like words but he wants to show me that they are indeed true through his actions. I just don’t know if I really want to hang around and wait to see if that is indeed the case.

So I am no further along, one thing I can definitely say though is that the immense need for contact has disappeared! I got my fix haha! Now hopefully that’ll last me and I can do another week or so with no contact!

January 18, 2019 at 6:30 am #275325

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Wow, that is extreme! He definitely couldn’t control himself so in terms of contact. It’s funny, because if a woman did that to a man, the way he has been towards you the past couple of weeks, the man would be completely turned off I’d say and everyone would be calling the ex a bit nuts. That just struck me. Such double standards in this world!

I am very glad he seems to believe he has reached a new outlook on life. However, there is a caveat. Anything can be said in desperate times. To be honest, a few years ago when I reconciled with my ex, I wanted to be with him so bad, I thought the stuff I wanted didn’t matter as much as we’d be fine. Clearly it emerged again, so I’d definitely wait to see the proof of the pudding.

You’re doing great though, coming across as a strong, well-contained woman and rationally assessing everything, even if you feel you’re on a rollercoaster! Good for you!

So basically, I can seriously FEEL the slight tide of need to contact my ex seeping back in today. Making me thing it IS hormone related as yesterday, I had no will to do so. Im not going to do anything about it as it’s only very slight at the moment, but it’s there nonetheless…and back and forth I go again in this process!

Also I went to fix my phone at lunch and passed a bookstore where there was a big stand of Valentines muck right by the door and I got a fright! Wow, an actual fright! I suppose I wasn’t expecting it, I don’t think too far ahead these days! But it gave me a pang of sadness I’m not gonna lie”

January 18, 2019 at 6:47 am #275327

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

You’re so right! If I did any of that to him he’d be like which part of ‘I need space’ do you not get?! Yet him doing these things is considered sweet.. I’m glad that I sat out and remained quiet, unemotional non-sympathetic towards him and just let him say his piece. I didn’t want to disrupt as anything I say may give him an indication of what I may want to hear, so I just let him talk and didn’t respond much. The meeting could’ve lasted a lot longer but I cut it short advising that I need to return to work (I didn’t) but it was the perfect excuse to get out of the situation while he basically had verbal diarrhoea about how much he has realised and how deeply apologetic he is! Oh and that he has his first counselling appointment yesterday and that it went well! I am not taking any of what he said as true or relying on it. Actions is what I need. It’s funny though, I think my coldness and distance was very evident to him because at the end he said ‘You seem like you are absolutely torn into two. Are you seeing someone at the moment? I want you to be honest, do you have something better in sight?’ I simply responded with ‘Yes, I have a happy, stress-free, fulfilled life lined up, by myself, for myself’ and that is sort of how we ended the conversation. I am bloody proud of myself! I think I did so well in that interaction! Even though I may not feel it completely or even think it I believe I came across as a strong, level-headed woman who knows her worth! Success!

Ah are the feelings creeping back in? Don’t worry, it is all part of this stupid up and down process! Maybe the feelings were actually there all along but your withdrawal/shut-down is wearing of a little so you can feel a little glimmer.. It is good that you have the weekend planned in advance because at least you won’t have much time to sit and dwell and hopefully with that the need to contact will subside!

Ah I didn’t even think of Valentines day! Honestly I think with the date fast approaching etc it didn’t even cross my mind. I used to always make such a big fuss about it, my ex never saw the hype around it but always made sure he made it extra special for me. MEH!!! I think I might just switch my phone off for the day so that I don’t have to witness all of the public displays of affection all over social media! It’s okay, I’ll send you a virtual valentines day card! 🙂

January 18, 2019 at 6:58 am #275329

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Aw thank you! I don’t know whats happening with me at the moment, but I’m too tired to try and figure it out, my head is beyond analysing, so I’m sticking with the status quo!

It’s so funny, I have read so many books and watched so many youtube videos now that guys ALWAYS want what they perceive to be a ‘High Value Woman’ – that she’s a one of a kind and if they don’t act fast, they will lose her to the next guy! That sounds so similar to your interaction with your ex! God I wish that thought occurred to my ex, but he obviously doesn’t think I’m as amazing as I thought he did!

I’m off outside to get a walk in – can’t beat fresh air, even if it is only 5 degrees!

January 18, 2019 at 11:51 am #275435
Victoria
Participant
Evening,

“Like Dory says in Finding Nemo….just keep swimming….just keep swimming…” I shall write this on my whiteboard it really is something I need reminding of. I have exchanged a few emails with my ex and he informs me he is going on a night out and in the same night I have had my mum drill into me that I am problematic once again *sigh*. The contact with my ex has made me feel a bit down that I am staying in tonight, until I remember I want to stay in as its cold outside. But you see he is going out with a group, one of the girls is his ex, and I am sat here realising that I am glad we aren’t in a romantic relationship because I am instantly jealous. I am doing okay at the moment, I am applying to jobs, volunteer work – anything that will make me more hopeful for the future as my ex was my future, damn, if I had accepted his proposal or seriousness about marriage I could’ve been planning a wedding! I have recently found that the whole of last year I was in a state of disassociation, nothing felt like reality, I someone survived it and looking back on the year I can barely recall any of it.

@Kkasxo – in terms of your ex that sounds familiar to myself with my ex before Christmas. I was in a state of fear, what would I do without him? All he wanted was for me to actively work on my anxiety? Is he the best I will ever have/date? , these feelings are valid, however, being with someone out of fear is not healthy, even if it is comforting. I would advise him to seek out who he is, not who he is to his family, just so if he does want to seriously try again it is without bias or fear. Also, going off recent events for myself, once the person who is fearful gets over the fear they may leave again. My advice would be to stay in loose contact if you want to, because you were a big part of his life and even if its a “how are you?” message every 6 months then you both can possibly try again in the future, however, by then you yourself may have moved onto someone who has a mortgage or has similar life goals with you.

@Shelbyville – How are you feeling tonight?

– V
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Victoria.
January 18, 2019 at 12:05 pm #275447

Victoria
Participant

Oh I have just listened to “then” by anne marie…now I am listening to the whole album, I have no idea why I thought she only had brought one song out (2000) haha It’s helping (: I still need to do a “get over him and enjoy being sinnggle” playlist. I have slept through all my lectures this week and just been in a low place worrying and eating a lot of ice-cream, so anymore music recommendations would be appreciated (:

– V

January 18, 2019 at 2:55 pm #275507

Kkasxo
Participant

Victoria,

The fear isn’t so prominent this evening, perhaps because I saw him earlier on.. who knows! Fear does however overwhelm me on most days, but I don’t think it’s the fear of ‘what is my future?!’ because I think I’m slowly starting to believe that I will be happy one day, I don’t know how but I will. But it’s the fear of I do not actually want to be without this man. I don’t. And he claims he doesn’t want to be without me. Aside all of the BS that we’ve been experiencing post break up we were great.

its so tough. But despite him trying to squeeze hours of conversation into 30 minutes earlier on, looking broken when I said I must leave and asking if we could meet later on tonight to speak, I am proud to say I haven’t reached out, I haven’t entertained the idea of meeting with him tonight or whenever really.

It is all just a bunch of words to me. I don’t believe any of it. And he knows it now. Oh he knows! I have never managed to go without responding to him, I always gave in. Every single time. Yet I’ll be soon approaching week 3 of literally ignoring his every effort to get in touch. I do believe he is really feeling the loss now..

January 18, 2019 at 3:26 pm #275509

Victoria
Participant

Kkasxo,

I am happy to hear that you aren’t as fearful this evening (: I do find it strange that someone can be in your life and then within hours, days or weeks they aren’t there anymore. I think I too am struggling with the idea of my ex not being in my life hence why I still reach out to him, even though I was doing well (2 weeks since I left him) because I cannot believe that we really went from talking everyday and x’s to no contact.

The fact that you don’t believe his words shows that you have regained belief and power, I suppose control again- are you finding that your emotions and possible anxiety has balanced at all?

The fact it has just been the new year gave me a starting point, hence why I believe I am doing better than I was last March when I initially broke up with him…woah, I just realised that we have been in this on and off roller-coaster for nearly a year now :O

Congratulations on the three week mark though (:

I am feeling out of sorts since our contact over the past 24 hours, but I know that my responses were when I couldn’t sleep or basically secondary to whatever I was doing at the time.

Thank you for replying (:

– V
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