Heya Anita,

No you don’t have that power: to make it just go away. But thanks.

I am just going to have to work through the difficult feelings. I am ok  with doing this but as I said it is a concern because many people trust you on here and I see you go to great lengths to help many people here work through their difficulties.

However it struck me today that this comes with dangers. (I am assuming you are not a qualified therapist, at this point.) There are some things which are very triggering and some people are not stable – for example, someone like my sister would have reacted very badly to that comment. I can hack feeling shit but some people can’t and some people have some very destructive ways of trying to cope with their pain. Given the distance intervention is not possible in these cases.

 

“When reality is negative I figure better face it although I do agree with you that short term convenient thinking comes handy and has its place. Some denial of reality is helpful any day, I suppose, putting a positive spin of things so to keep going.”

I suggest your interpretation of convenient thinking has got muddled with band-aid/denial styles of thinking. That aside: those who are positive thinkers see more opportunities.

Reducing complicated human interactions to being wholly negative either/or black and white thinking is not reality. It is a style of thinking that is very self-focused and creates needless suffering. Of course: some situations and relationships are simply not up to scratch, some are damaging and should be ended. I’m not suggesting we deny reality by focusing only on the positive aspects of such relationships. I am suggesting a more balanced approach than a black and white mode of thought.

I’ll give some concrete examples for you–

For example: my mother failed to defend me when my dad basically bullied me growing up. However, she taught me to cook and made me lunch and dinner every day for many many years. She got angry when people in school bullied me. She will go out of her way to help me if I need, she dropped everything to come and sit with me in hospital last week.

The reality isn’t that my mother never loved me. The reality is that she is human and was a bit afraid of her husbands intensity, agreed with his sentiments if not his methods. She lacks confidence to do many things: this was one. She probably feels guilty.

And my dad? The reason he was such a twat when I was a kid was because he always knew I wanted to do art in my heart of hearts. And he knows -from his working class history- that the pay is crap and people bully you in the art world. Lo and behold: he is right.  I cannot afford to sustain myself so I live with them. He tried to bully me out of it because he foresaw the long-term problems. Not great methods, but my well-being at heart.

The reality isn’t that he didn’t love me. The reality is that he’s human, autistic and unaware of his intensity when angry.

They both who have given me so much, how can I disrespect them -insult them- and claim they didn’t love me?

So yeah, you claim you want the ‘truth’ and ‘reality’ and yet reduce all these complications to simple answers.

Regarding Mr and his total lack of communication:

Its an indisputable fact that he hasn’t written back, no contest on that one. Honestly? The reasons I suspect he hasn’t written back are probably a combination of the following;-

He’s still seeing that other woman// He’s worried I am trying to push my own agenda of getting back together// He keeps telling me he likes his space, and how that is no reflection of his affections for a person – and so he is biding his time responding as a way to manage my expectations // He’s frequently overwhelmed and so responding to a situation he just isn’t sure about is too much.

Ernstwhile: the reality of him not responding for ME means I have to deal with my intense anxiety.
Sure, it isn’t a great outcome. It suggests at best a lack of communication (no shit,  he’s not writing back) and at worst, a deep incompatibility in terms of romance. (I cannot tolerate the separation anxiety.) However to reduce it to “He doesn’t give a shit about you or wants to make you suffer” is ridiculous, self centered – there are two people in this situation. How am I supposed to improve my relationships with people if I am me me me me all the time? That was one of my biggest problems: I struggled to have empathy and put myself in the shoes of another. I made it all about me, what I want, and got angry.

Yours,

-Feathering.