First of all, I’d like to let you know that you are always the expert on your own sexuality – no one else can define it except you. If a label feels uncomfortable, you never have to use it. You’re under no obligation to tell anyone else, either. Your sexuality belongs to you.

But from what I’m reading, it seems like the idea of being gay or bisexual disgusts and upsets you. Yet you constantly have this thought and have trouble focusing on anything else. This really does seem like it’s an intrusive thought which is a symptom of many different anxiety disorders – your research on OCD may be substantiated. You need to see a professional psychologist or LCSW. There are often resources available if you can’t regularly access this care, I would suggest doing a targeted search in your area.

I had a similar experience I’d like to share as someone with diagnosed OCD – I would obsess over the idea I was secretly straight and somehow faking my attraction, or that it would go away. That thought was heartbreaking to me and caused me a lot of distress – I just KNEW it wasn’t truly who I was. Thinking of living life as a heterosexual person filled me with dread and depressed me. I think that you might feel the same way about being lesbian. It’s important to know this thought is hard to get rid of because it is upsetting to you – not because it’s true. It sounds like you’re afraid that you’ll lose your boyfriend (and good relationship) if you were gay and that scares you.

In general (and as a gay person who has spent a long, long time in the queer community) gay and bisexual people do not feel disgust at the idea of being attracted to the same sex. We may feel shame and struggle with internalized homophobia because we have been told it is bad/sinful or fear the way being gay will impact our lives (discrimination, loss of family/friends, etc.) but genuinely feel happy and excited at the prospect of loving and dating other women/men. It’s a part of realizing ourselves.

Lastly, you have your whole life to figure out who you are and who you love – if your answer ever changes, that’s fine. It doesn’t invalidate anything you’ve felt in the past, or are feeling now. It does not change your worth as a person. I hope you receive unconditional love & acceptance for yourself and from others as you cope with your anxieties, whatever the outcome.