Dear Jessica512:

If she lived away from her family and their  church, that  would be encouraging when considering the  possibility of resuming  the relationship with you. But she  lives close  to her parents and “surrounded  by her church community constantly”. When you suggested marriage  and kids, living with her pretending to  be  roommates, that is, lying to her  parents and community, that caused her guilt and distress that she  couldn’t endure.

It would  have  been  possible  for a woman in her  circumstance to marry you and pretend  to all to  be  roommates if she  was able  to compartmentalize the  relationship with  you perfectly, that is, to be  married to  you and pretend to be roommates feeling no guilt, no conflict about doing that.

I think that for as long as the idea  of  marriage with her includes living close to her parents and religious community, it will not happen. Maybe  if she moved away.

Following her  breaking up with you, did you (or should  you?) suggest continuing  the relationship and  not  moving  in together, or did she?

anita