Home→Forums→Relationships→My girlfriend is struggling with being gay because of her religion…
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Anonymous.
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November 27, 2018 at 12:48 pm #261201
Jessica512ParticipantHey everyone.
My girlfriend and I have had an amazing 6 months but November 9th she asked for a break because her family is very religious. She feels that if they found out she is gay they will reject her and she will go to hell.
She says she loves me but feel that she shouldn’t.
She says she misses me but is struggling.
She says she doesn’t want me out of her life but needs to get to a better space.
Today is her birthday and we haven’t talked since that phone convo ( I asked her to speak with me in real life but she didn’t).
I sent her a text saying “happy birthday”.
She replied saying “thanks! How are you?”.
I said “truthfully not good. But how are you?”
She hasn’t replied.
My issue here is that I miss her and I feel so lost and scared that she will decide that even though she loves me, that we shouldn’t be together.
I am also scared because I haven’t been able to find any lesbian friends or groups that I connect with and I am 40 next year. I came out late because I have a son and had decided to focus on him. I had him when I was 19.
I feel lost, alone, scared and disconnected.
November 27, 2018 at 2:00 pm #261497
AnonymousGuestDear Jessica512:
I wonder about how old is your ex girlfriend and if she lives with her parents, if you were her first gay relationship? These are important when considering possibly resuming the relationship.
I know of a woman who also came out as a lesbian late after being married and having two children, quite common I think. Did you research online regarding support groups for gay people coming out?
I imagine there are such resources online. I do hope you feel better soon, hope to read more from you.
anita
November 27, 2018 at 3:33 pm #261501Jessica512ParticipantShe just turned 29 today and lives near her parents on an acreage buy iis surrounded by her church community constantly. I am her 3rd relationship but only the first where she did not have the pressure of being asked for marriage and kids. I am 39 and we had talked a lot about what type of relationship was possible for her and what had happened in the other relationships. We were planning to travel together and build our dream house on her acreage. I was fine with being her roommate to her family.
November 28, 2018 at 5:59 am #262277AnonymousGuestDear Jessica512:
If she lived away from her family and their church, that would be encouraging when considering the possibility of resuming the relationship with you. But she lives close to her parents and “surrounded by her church community constantly”. When you suggested marriage and kids, living with her pretending to be roommates, that is, lying to her parents and community, that caused her guilt and distress that she couldn’t endure.
It would have been possible for a woman in her circumstance to marry you and pretend to all to be roommates if she was able to compartmentalize the relationship with you perfectly, that is, to be married to you and pretend to be roommates feeling no guilt, no conflict about doing that.
I think that for as long as the idea of marriage with her includes living close to her parents and religious community, it will not happen. Maybe if she moved away.
Following her breaking up with you, did you (or should you?) suggest continuing the relationship and not moving in together, or did she?
anita
November 28, 2018 at 6:41 am #262535
InkyParticipantHi Jessica512,
Your problem is losing a relationship with her. But she has three: Losing the relationship, her parents’ potential rejection AND the church setting The Rules to make it easier for that to happen.
Maybe, just maybe, she could break away once her parents pass away (they are unlikely to change). And if she moves physically far away from the church. You have to understand that some people cannot and will not lose their family. Another type of person would choose you, again and again, over church and family.
Unfortunately, for her, LYING is another big no-no, so you can see her double bind.
I would let her be.
Sorry,
Inky
November 28, 2018 at 9:25 am #265107Jessica512ParticipantThank you for your insight Inky,
I do understand all of those things and in discussions before we started the relationship I was very understanding and would never ask her to go against anything.
I wouldn’t ask anyone to give up everything for me. I think that it is just sad that she cannot have real love because of the life she was born into.
I think I probably do have to let the whole thing go and if she ever comes back then I will have a decision to make.
The pain of missing her is more intense than I have ever dealt with. Maybe because I knew what we had and appreciated every second.
November 28, 2018 at 9:30 am #265109Jessica512ParticipantThank you as well Anita.
We did discuss that we both did not need a marriage or children. We had decided to stay living separately and when she was ready and my son done university we would then build our dream home on her acreage. And I would rent out my condo.
She had brought up the living together as roommates as something that she needed. I had said that was not a problem for me as I would like for her to have love and her family and community.
November 28, 2018 at 10:05 am #266235AnonymousGuestDear Jessica512:
I suppose that her having “her family and community” excludes loving you, she can’t have both. And I suppose it means that she can’t be in a gay relationship in any capacity, not only the kind that is visible to her community, if she is to be true to t hat community (?) . As well as following all the other non-negotiable rules of the religion.
Or it may be only what is visible that matters, I don’t know. I hope you live your life with integrity, being true to yourself and to the community, both. And I hope you recover soon from this breakup. One day soon you may be very surprised that it did happen in your life again, a loving relationship with a woman who is okay with it as much as you are okay with it.
anita
November 28, 2018 at 9:16 pm #266533Jessica512ParticipantI hope you are right Anita.
I need to find a way to accept her decision and that love is not the only thing needed in a relationship.
November 29, 2018 at 4:43 am #266619AnonymousGuestDear Jessica512:
One basic thing it takes to have a lasting love relationship is availability, the woman has to be available to have a relationship with you, not having relationships with other people with whom she pretends to not have a relationship with you.
I hope to read from you again, and I hope too that you will find love (and availability) soon enough.
anita
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