Hello Anita,

Well we came to learn from one another, I’ve learnt and healed a lot thanks to your care and attention.
Now I hope it is your turn to learn from me.

It makes me sad to see you withdraw at the very moment in which our interactions have the opportunity to deepen. I accept this is what you wish.

All humans have propensity to project themselves into others. Their situations and so forth – that is exactly why giving advice (as you do) is such a challenge. Much of what you say is not wrong.

This is the only example I have to go on but please – it is a case study and therefore, a reflection of wider patterns of thinking. Which is why I suggest we examine it. I am going to explain why it was problematic and demonstrate an alternative mode of thought. Thinking such things allows us to come around to believe them. Meditation with metta.

There were many other “Ifs” in your statement- sufficiently so  as to rule out any possibility other than the two outcomes you outlined. In your statement you drew up a set of circumstances in where your two presented options were the only realistic possibility. (Either he does not care or he wants to make you suffer.)

My suggestion is that this interpretation, is in fact a reflection of your own worldview and therefore worth examining. To me, such thinking is indicative of the same anxious-attatchment style which I suffer from. Even now, with all the inner work you have done, this feeling still prejudices you. Something to be conscious of while advising others. Raising this issue felt like the honest and responsible thing to do: after all, how is one to learn otherwise?

In actual fact I think the solution to my problem -and to this problem with Mr, if the chance ever arises- is to accept that these men who disappoint me are just as afraid as I. Only they cope with their fears in a very different way.

I have no reason to think that Mr does not care about me- he just has a pattern of withdrawal in relationships. He needs to retreat in order to feel safe. Ernstwhile: I’m on the anxious end of the spectrum, which provokes his withdrawing and intensifies my feelings. We stand in opposition to one another in this regard. We both leave feeling inadequate.

Let us look at Mr’s failure to respond with some compassion:

My words hurt him very much – so much that he lost his voice for two weeks. As his job relies on this, that is a serious matter indeed for him. He is afraid of being hurt again, there was a significant loss of trust. And  he does not know how to deal with his fear, probably not even fully aware of it. I expect many women have been frustrated with him in the way I have, he probably feels at a loss in terms of how to cope with it. It hit upon an old deep wound of his that existed long before he met me. He is doing his best but anyone who had the same life experiences would feel as he. Retreating from uncertainty when the risks of suffering such pains again is the safest thing for him to do, in these circumstances. He probably misses me, wishes things had worked out differently, does not respond because he does not want to provoke a situation he cannot trust – the stakes are so high.

And of course, Anita:  you are no exception to this extension of my compassion.

I forgive you for the hurt you reminded me of; the only reason you were able to do so at all was because I trust you and let you in. It is a wound of love. We cannot have one without the other. You have struggled and overcome many of the same issues as I, which is precisely why you have been such a good teacher all this while.

Thank you for curing me, Anita.

xxx