Dear Tristan:

Anger is tricky: we think it is a bad emotion. We think good people, or spiritual people don’t feel anger (or feel it only if they have a very good reason, as when being physically attacked and only for the duration of a physical attack). But if love is a good feeling, so is anger, both are natural, both have a purpose in promoting survival. It is okay to feel anger. I am not a bad person for feeling  it and neither are  you. I am not less spiritually… evolved  for feeling angry and neither are  you.

It  is  uncomfortable to  feel anger  because it  stimulate the  body to  do something and if  we   don’t  do something it  is uncomfortable to hold it in.

She  ghosted you probably because  she feels  anger at  you, don’t you think? Should  have told  you she  felt angry, told you, not  punished  you by ghosting you, if that was  her motivation.

On page 1 you  wrote: “Can’t help  but  kick myself for causing all that trouble for us both”- angry at  yourself, wanting to punish yourself. And taking responsibility for her  behavior, the  part  that is her responsibility,  not yours.

The thing about anger, got  to  figure what is your responsibility and what is  not your responsibility. Also, separate the feeling from the expression of it. There is  no way to  feel angry and for it to not show in some way, be it in the  tone of your voice or the  expression on your face.

I feel uncomfortable myself when I feel angry and when  I notice that the tone  of my voice was somewhat angry. I automatically feel guilty although  I don’t  think I should feel guilty. I still need to relax  into the reality that anger in  itself, including  its automatic,  non abusive/ non punishing expressions  is  okay to  feel and to  express.

I suppose the  weed  was a way to medicate these distressing emotions,  fear and  anger?

anita