Hi Anita & Peter,

Thank you for your replies.

Anita:

You are right about the pain I have experienced in the past, over several relationships in fact. The same pattern emerges in which I feel misunderstood and then ridiculed after I try to articulate my feelings, I have been called dramatic and moody many times. In my first serious relationship I was lied to right up to the very end, even when breaking up she couldn’t be honest about the man she was with behind my back. This wrecked me and I have been carrying it since. More recently, my last relationship was doomed (by myself) from the start. I told my ex when we met that I didn’t feel ready, told her of my past, my issues and how hard it would be for me. She assured me that it wouldn’t be like that with her and I caved, we got together. For a while things were ok but then she developed an issue with a mutual friend from work who I actually met her through, and I gave her no reason to believe anything was there. I spoke to this woman only at work and on the way home from. I didn’t have any interactions with her outside of that. She didn’t trust me and so I began to shut down. Then I got suspended from work for a long time for substance misuse and I not only shut down but away also and she started to take all of this personally. We broke up. Tried working things out when I was back at work but she kept letting me down with all our plans without even letting me know, seriously not even a quick text. Then I had a call from her saying that we needed to talk and she would phone me at a certain time which never happened and I haven’t heard from her since she went totally ghost on me, I don’t get it so I posted her a letter saying my piece and let go for good. Can’t help but kick myself for causing all that trouble for us both by just not being assertive, as you mentioned.

You read the question right I am not much of a socialiser and I have works xmas meal coming up which I am dreading enough as it is and then to top it off she will be there even though she hasn’t worked there in a long time. I will keep EAR in mind, thank you for the advice it makes a lot of sense. Slowly, gradually, cautiously and selectively is sound advice too however, I am struggling to get to even a slow start.

Peter:

The advice is from the man who runs the support group I attend and I suspect that your interpretation is right. I get so confused lately what with my emotional state being even more sensitive and unstable than usual due to not suppressing anything anymore with cannabis. I now have to find the authentic parts of myself as for so long being a ‘stoner’ defined me and controlled my life to the point that I couldn’t even face going to the shop for food as I was trying to smoke away so much anxiety from not knowing if I had a job to go back to. I lost a lot of weight. After that I don’t find the idea of finding myself very exciting, I feel scared to be honest. Scared of what I’ll find or who I really am.. What if I turn out to be not a very nice person? What if that’s the reason I shut myself away on a subconscious level? Also scared of engaging with life it’s been such a long time since I have. I have only really engaged life as far as work and family, my network is non existent.

I can give you an idea of my vision for a healthy relationship though. I want to be a rock for my girl to lean on when she needs it, I want her to be mine. I want to be understanding and honest, even in the toughest times. I want a best friend and partner in crime to tackle life with as it hurls obstacles at us both individually and together as a team. I want to feel like I need no one but her and I want her to feel the same. Thinking about it as I write it down I want to be what I need

Hi Anita,

The anger at those who already hurt me is one such example of the things that I was suppressing while using cannabis daily. Since quitting I have made good progress and in fact contacted the ex partner from my first relationship to tell her that I had been holding on to grudges and bad feelings which I have now let go. It was eating away at my soul, taking chunks from and leaving bite marks in each relationship since. I simply hadn’t realised being so wrapped up in the escapism of being stoned all day, every day.

The fear, I fear, is a completely different beast. I am not angry with my recent ex as in that I have bad feelings or grudges toward her, I am angry that she had so little respect for me (us) to handle the situation as adults. I was very clear many times that we needed to talk even if it meant going our separate ways and that we could do that in a way which would allow us to be civil. My fear now is that of crossing path’s with her and how it will affect me. We live very close to each other less than a 5 minute walk and I don’t feel I can leave the house because of it, it’s irrational I know. Not even sure what the actual fear is. I really don’t want to miss works xmas meal because she is going to be there so I indeed want to conquer this fear.

I have acquired the book Peter mentioned as an audio book and have started listening to it. Mindfulness seems a great place to start I just have to find the determination to stick with meditation as it seems quite a lot to take in as i’m feeling drained from negativity.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the congratulations, it is still a rough ride.

You are right in that I gave her that information with the intent of arming her to work through any issues that will inevitably arise. It was also intended as a warning of parts of myself that are not so desirable. I wouldn’t say as such that I put her on a pedestal, I didn’t expect for her to fix me but to support and help me along fixing myself. I don’t know maybe I did expect too much we didn’t take things slow enough for me to really know each other before I took that leap of faith.

If you don’t mind me asking, after doing something similar and viewing someone wrongly as capable, have you taken a different approach since? Or have/would you still be open about your issues going in?

Hi Anita,

Thank you for sharing, that does answer my question.

On reflection it’s entirely possible I hadn’t presented myself as equally capable. I thought that I was presenting myself in a way that suggested we work as a team but thinking back now to some things said, particularly at the doctors, she didn’t feel that way. I think maybe I didn’t lend the best ear and was putting too much on my own issues. It wasn’t until we broke up that I quit weed and started to think clearer.

I was so close but so far… It’s an awful shame that this happened on the cusp of such powerful change. Change that I had tried to communicate in the best way I could. Acceptance, forgiveness, inner peace, I will get there.