Hi Anita,

I really like your tree analogy. ‘Minimal you’ feels very befitting of my nature for as long as I can remember.

There is food for thought in this post and I’m feeling too overwhelmed to put my thoughts into words right now. I will come back to it when I have some clarity. For now though, I do have a support group I attend and I am on a waiting list to see a CBT therapist although I have no idea when the sessions will start.

Hi Anita,

If only I could have seen how dishonest she was. I dread to think the personal things I confided in her she has told those gossips that she seems to get on so well with. It’s hard not to feel like a total idiot, though I know that I did the right thing just with the wrong person. ‘It is unwise to be honest with a dishonest person’ – good advice I wish I had earlier, thank you. Discerning who is and who isn’t trustworthy seems difficult to me at the moment, I am not good at meeting people as it is.

I am sorry to hear that you are bored with the monotony of your life too. Boredom and monotony in general is something I am coming to accept as a fact of life that just happens sometimes, you are right about the satisfaction of enduring it with dignity. I feel very proud every time I resist the thought of smoking the monotony away. The worst part for me is that I did that for so long I have no purpose or passion, the things I thought I enjoyed aren’t so entertaining when not paired with weed and the only purpose I’ve ever had is just to work and pay bills. I want more but don’t know where to start, it’s frustrating and so I’m just dragging myself through the days trying to find direction. This is what I hope to achieve from CBT and meditation/self-help, inner peace and clarity to say right, this is who I am, this is what I want and this is what I stand for.

Hi Anita,

Another was that we were saving for a holiday together, I was giving her so much every week towards it. When we split up I asked for my share and she said that she didn’t have it to give… So the saving was a lie. I wonder if she ever intended on going on holiday together.

Hi Anita,

First I need to correct a mistake in the first paragraph of my last post. It should read ‘A non-subjective view point’.

I see what you are saying about figuring out what is my responsibility and what is hers. I still feel that if I had the assertion to follow through with my initial feeling of not being ready then the hurt we have both suffered would never have happened. That is a fact, so it’s been hard not to see it as my fault. In reality, though, the truth is deeper. She pursued a relationship with me disregarding my feeling, that is also a fact and her responsibility.

I honestly don’t know what to think in regard to her motivation for ghosting me. It could be anger – from the time it took it to get my act together, or the issue she had with me and her friend at work. It could be fear of being honest – I heard her lie to friends and family on many occasions, why would I be any different? It could be that she just doesn’t care anymore – meeting someone new would have that effect I guess. I delivered the letter and let go so that I wouldn’t go through all these questions trying to understand, if she wanted me to understand she would talk.

Weed was indeed a way for me to medicate emotions, not just anger and fear though. Also the monotony of my life in general from my job environment to the disillusionment I feel. It was a blissful release in which I could be ok and lose myself in some music or a game without having to care that I feel too bad to get anywhere in life. It breaks my heart to think what that must be like from anothers perspective looking in, that I had just given up.

Hi Anita,

I think you are right, no contact at all is the best idea. Maybe it won’t benefit her and even though I wouldn’t have been expecting a response, I can’t say for sure that it wouldn’t affect me. I am also now thinking that I won’t attend works christmas meal, knowing that she will be there. I do feel I have let go – I feel sad, but not in a longing for her way – but there will be alcohol involved and that may incite anger or resentment at the lack of honest closure she offered. Particularly if she has found someone else so quickly and is out with him.

I know I should be getting out but I feel now that night is not worth the risk. I would like to hold my head high knowing that I have been genuine but my anger, fear and distrust of people and the world at large is still there. Even though I have made progress I am proud of, the “universal compassion” talked about in the books I am reading is a long way off.

Thank you for listening

Hi Anita & Peter,

Anita:

I was walking to work today and on the way I ended up behind someone smoking weed. The smell of it had my mouth watering and my mind screaming out for it, fortunately we didn’t share the path for too long and the thoughts died down. It was the fact that I wouldn’t care if I smoked some and that is exactly why I can’t.

I am not a religious person but can certainly now see the value in those words from the serenity prayer, thank you for your words of encouragement and support.

Peter:

Thank you also for your words of encouragement and support, the book you recommended is proving quite insightful. I have started using some affirmations from it and feel like I’m having an easier time letting negative emotion pass me by. There is another book I have gotten my hands on – Mindfulness: Finding peace in a frantic world – which is more focused on meditation, in fact it is an eight week course which I plan on working into the daily routine I am just establishing. Crazy how chaotic a life on weed is to say I thought I was “just chillin”. I plan on revisiting How to be an adult in a relationship after I’m comfortable with meditations, or maybe letting it play through while I sleep to absorb it into my subconscious. What do you think?

A question for the both of you if I may, do you practice meditation and mindfulness daily and if so, what was your experience when starting out?

Hi Anita,

The anger at those who already hurt me is one such example of the things that I was suppressing while using cannabis daily. Since quitting I have made good progress and in fact contacted the ex partner from my first relationship to tell her that I had been holding on to grudges and bad feelings which I have now let go. It was eating away at my soul, taking chunks from and leaving bite marks in each relationship since. I simply hadn’t realised being so wrapped up in the escapism of being stoned all day, every day.

The fear, I fear, is a completely different beast. I am not angry with my recent ex as in that I have bad feelings or grudges toward her, I am angry that she had so little respect for me (us) to handle the situation as adults. I was very clear many times that we needed to talk even if it meant going our separate ways and that we could do that in a way which would allow us to be civil. My fear now is that of crossing path’s with her and how it will affect me. We live very close to each other less than a 5 minute walk and I don’t feel I can leave the house because of it, it’s irrational I know. Not even sure what the actual fear is. I really don’t want to miss works xmas meal because she is going to be there so I indeed want to conquer this fear.

I have acquired the book Peter mentioned as an audio book and have started listening to it. Mindfulness seems a great place to start I just have to find the determination to stick with meditation as it seems quite a lot to take in as i’m feeling drained from negativity.