John,

Thanks for taking the time to post and for your insight. I can only imagine what you have been going through after such a long marriage and all your commitments and responsibilities. You seem like a strong person and well done for finding a way to live a better life for yourself. I wish I had your resolve.

It might be true actually that I’m stalled in denial. I didn’t look at it that way. I guess I wasn’t sure if it was denial, delusion or hope. There is not one single person who would say there is a remote possibility for my relationship, absolutely everyone, including my ex Im sure, understand that it’s over. For me, I’m the last person chasing after that train, when it’s long since left the station, but I’m still chasing after it.

I think that’s my problem. What you mentioned in your last paragraph. I SHOULDN’T need anyone to make me happy….but I do. That’s the sad truth, as unhealthy as that may be. I honestly can’t believe I will ever reach a time in my life where I will feel happy again. It’s such a singular view and perhaps even a little old-fashioned and it’s certainly not helping me right now, but it is what it is. I have this belief that if it doesn’t work out with my ex, that I’ll continue working etc, basically functioning but I’ll always feel the loss and always have a melancholy of sorts and always miss him and basically live out the rest of my days in a mediocre sort of life. Forgive me if that sounds so nonsensical, but it’s a belief ingrained in this head/heart of mine and it’s not shifting.

iI don’t know if I will contact him, it’s a thought that passes my mind only every 20 seconds or so, but I usually keep putting it off. I’ll see how I get on. Thank you so much for advice, it really means a lot and helps to know that other people understand and empathise. I appreciate it.