Dear Anita,

Thanks for your kindly reply. I’m open to talk and elaborate more.

Why he looks so happy, and I guess:  he had always been confused about what he really wanted, whether he wanted a marriage or not — yes, even he promised so many times, cried, and begged that “this time” he’s 100% certain, unfortunately he didn’t have a clue what he was doing; and now, the huge confusion is gone, he becomes very relaxing.

Another reason, he told me that he has a box where everything can make him cry in a heart beat locks in.  He had a shattered family. To have a box like that, is his strategy rooted from his childhood. His parents, esp the mother always failed him, he told me he had to learn to not care.

I know he should be responsible for his behaviour and misbehaviour  but it feels to me I’m taking the responsibility for my own and for him before or after the final.

In the relationship, as a full-time mature student, I paid for the whole deposit, the whole rent for the first 2 months (the final was on the 3rd), meaning financially I’m taking much more responsibility than him, and he always has a full-time job. Not to mention, so many times in the relationship, he’s got pressure and was not happy with his current job and unsuccessful career, I needed to be ‘strong’ to comfort him.

After the final, I had to literally explain the common sense to him why he should leave the apartment not stay with me, and force him to leave. I gave him the gift back already, but he wanted more, by saying it is not ‘fair’ on him to pay for 2 bills because he hasn’t got the money……wow, looks like someone who doesn’t care about others needs more care, but how this could work out and we already broken up? It annoys me and offends me.

And the fact that he is doing well and has moved on didn’t help at all, not at all. What I mean by doing well? Well, a few times when he collect his stuff from me, I can tell that he is relaxing. He is shorten of money, but that’s the only problem and he seems very promising about himself now. Meanwhile he is posting a lot of drawings on FB/Twitter, and responses actively with the ‘likes’ and comments. Another sign is he is trying to be my friend, and told me to move on.

I guess it is just really difficult to accept that I got hurt, being left alone, and could not be able to move on as good as he could.

I know it is a process but I just do need to get better. I’m an international student and I’ve a dissertation to work on. But right now, I find myself not able to focus on reading, and I’m drinking everyday.

He used to be an alcoholic and now I am? It feels like this toxic relationship has left a lot of burden on my body and mind, I don’t understand why. I understand it took two to tangle, and I have no intention to ignore my problems. But being down, confusing, drinking… these were his thing in the relationship. Somehow he transferred them to me, and now he looks like a brand new person. I just don’t understand this logic.

Thanks for reading.