Menu

The marriage registration has been just cancelled by him, again

HomeForumsRelationshipsThe marriage registration has been just cancelled by him, again

New Reply

This topic contains 21 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 days, 17 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #266867

    Yuhan
    Participant

    I was supposed to marry to him on 6 Dec, and he called it an end, again, on 10 Nov. I’m done this time.

    We knew each other 3 years ago and dated a month or so then he dumped me. Said he couldn’t commitment and things went too fast. While he was the first to say ‘I love you’ in a fairly short period (which hugely higher my expectation on him), so I asked, why change so quick and dramatic? He answered by asking ‘how could you believe that someone would love you in such a short time?’ then explained he said so coz he believed if he didn’t, he’d lose me. I got offended. I blocked him and stopped talking to him.

    2014-2017

    Over the years he sent me msgs/poems at times, not many just few. I never replied. I blocked him on every social media. The highlight was in the new year eve Dec 2017 till Jan 2018 , he sent me long emails saying he misses me and loves me, that he’d do anything for me, he’d build up a family with me, etc. I felt gross and immediately deleted all.

    Apr 2018— present

    I moved to Bristol on Feb 2018. I contacted him under the name of these emails. He said when he wrote them, he was drunk.

    We dated again on Apr. Very soon I found him having serious drinking problems and drug addiction. I called it an end — it wasn’t painful to me.

    Crying n begging, he promised to stop drinking and taking drugs everyday, even promised with his son’s death (!). I accepted him. However, only within 3 days he broke his words, got drunk totally with 4 joints. This was when and where I sensed him having personality problem to which I couldn’t, and have no interests to fix. I determined to cut off once for all…it went very well to my end until he came along with the marriage proposal on July.

    I cannot elaborate in words how the proposal lured/meant to me. It means to me more than a man: a way of staying in the UK and live a life (I’m a Non- EU foreigner who has a visa restriction); build up a family/ relationship with a man, even he wasn’t so appealing to me, etc. With all honestly, I was so struggling between saying ‘ yes’ or ‘F*** off’, I chose the former eventually.

    From July until 10 Nov (the final), he broke up with meat least 4 times. Either it was coz I reasoned him, or he regretted with crying and begging, we got back together and felt connected as ever, and each time with our reunion, the proposal/marriage grew to a new level: we gave the notice to the council; we received the approval from the council; we moved in together; we bought the rings; we set up a registration day.

    Deep down, the trust was damaged and there were more to which that I’m still trying to figure out. The fact that we set up the registration day on 6 Dec right after a reunion/breaking up, was not only because my visa will be due on 2019, but I felt if we didn’t do so, I couldn’t be able to believe that this is going to happen. A more desperate fact was, I still couldn’t believe the whole thing even after the registration was confirmed. I guess I was flawed at this point, and I dislike/ even hate myself.

    You may wonder why I couldn’t call it an end when someone treated me like that. I wonder as well. I guess it partly because I invested too much (money/ emotions/ energy/ time) in this relationship, and that little hope I thought it will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

    The final was 10 Nov. Of course, he did and said a lot that hurt me before and after the final, and to those actions and words, everyone else would probably feel for me, for example, on the breaking up day he requested to stay in the same apartment with me until I have to leave the UK where I paid the rent and pick up every furniture — only because he thought it is not ‘fair’ for him to rent another place and he had no money; he requested me to sell the gift he gave me, and to give him the money back. I know these sound ridiculous and apparently very unfair to me but this is not my point. My point is, I knew his characters for a long time and I knew he is not trustworthy. However, if I chose to be with him, eventually I feel like I asked for the hurting. How can I blame someone to stab on my back if I open up and being naive to his obviously problematic actions? Whom else I can blame but to my blind eyes?

    Few questions

    Financially he is going through a bankruptcy, but emotionally he is doing well, calm, relaxing and focusing on his job and interests. The fact annoys me, offends me. Why? How can I fix my feelings and be calm like him?

    This time he didn’t beg or cry, instead, he is being so positive, posting a lot of drawing work on facebook, etc. He paid me some money he owed me, and even nicely said ‘ if you need any help just let me know’ what?He used to be an alcoholic and drug addict. It feels to me like he reborn after the final breaking up, and I’m in the pain and losing everything?

    I cannot stop the projection he should be like this and that… and asked myself what’s wrong with me, so, what is the wrong with me?

    Thanks for reading.

    #266889

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yuhan:

    Well, your visa will expire next year, so you were desperate for one, marrying a British citizen (and  I  assume he  is) would have solved this big problem and you could have stayed in the  UK.

    And then we  all have this tendency, when we invest  a lot  in one thing and it doesn’t  work, we tend to invest more and  more because we already invested  so much.

    And.. a person becomes emotionally attached to anyone, not only to honest  decent people, just being  around someone long enough, especially when lonely otherwise, is enough to bring about that attachment.

    And by the  way he is responsible for being dishonest with you and harming you by being dishonest,  even if you stayed in the  relationship or gave  him another chance  and another, he is still responsible for his behavior, or I should say, misbehavior.

    I  don’t know why he looks calm and acts happy, I don’t  know. Maybe if you share more in another post, I will get an idea.  Maybe another member reading your post/s will have an idea.

    I wonder what are your plans for the future, will you still try to immigrate to the  UK…

    I hope things  will be better  for you  soon enough, that you will not  be hard on yourself but gentle instead. I will be  back to the computer  in about sixteen hours and  hope to read more  from you when I am back.

    anita

    #266977

    Yuhan
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thanks for your kindly reply. I’m open to talk and elaborate more.

    Why he looks so happy, and I guess:  he had always been confused about what he really wanted, whether he wanted a marriage or not — yes, even he promised so many times, cried, and begged that “this time” he’s 100% certain, unfortunately he didn’t have a clue what he was doing; and now, the huge confusion is gone, he becomes very relaxing.

    Another reason, he told me that he has a box where everything can make him cry in a heart beat locks in.  He had a shattered family. To have a box like that, is his strategy rooted from his childhood. His parents, esp the mother always failed him, he told me he had to learn to not care.

    I know he should be responsible for his behaviour and misbehaviour  but it feels to me I’m taking the responsibility for my own and for him before or after the final.

    In the relationship, as a full-time mature student, I paid for the whole deposit, the whole rent for the first 2 months (the final was on the 3rd), meaning financially I’m taking much more responsibility than him, and he always has a full-time job. Not to mention, so many times in the relationship, he’s got pressure and was not happy with his current job and unsuccessful career, I needed to be ‘strong’ to comfort him.

    After the final, I had to literally explain the common sense to him why he should leave the apartment not stay with me, and force him to leave. I gave him the gift back already, but he wanted more, by saying it is not ‘fair’ on him to pay for 2 bills because he hasn’t got the money……wow, looks like someone who doesn’t care about others needs more care, but how this could work out and we already broken up? It annoys me and offends me.

    And the fact that he is doing well and has moved on didn’t help at all, not at all. What I mean by doing well? Well, a few times when he collect his stuff from me, I can tell that he is relaxing. He is shorten of money, but that’s the only problem and he seems very promising about himself now. Meanwhile he is posting a lot of drawings on FB/Twitter, and responses actively with the ‘likes’ and comments. Another sign is he is trying to be my friend, and told me to move on.

    I guess it is just really difficult to accept that I got hurt, being left alone, and could not be able to move on as good as he could.

    I know it is a process but I just do need to get better. I’m an international student and I’ve a dissertation to work on. But right now, I find myself not able to focus on reading, and I’m drinking everyday.

    He used to be an alcoholic and now I am? It feels like this toxic relationship has left a lot of burden on my body and mind, I don’t understand why. I understand it took two to tangle, and I have no intention to ignore my problems. But being down, confusing, drinking… these were his thing in the relationship. Somehow he transferred them to me, and now he looks like a brand new person. I just don’t understand this logic.

    Thanks for reading.

     

     

     

     

    #266987

    Yuhan
    Participant

    Oh I forgot to say about the future plan, sorry about that.

    I like the UK. This won’t change only because the registration is cancelled. Although, the situation leaves me very slim time and opportunity to stay. That is something I have to accept and try to move on along with the previous relationship.

    #267003

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Yuhan,

    He broke up with you, correct? Well, the person who does the breaking up psychologically will ALWAYS seem to be doing better. Even if it was the wrong decision, it was THEIR decision, and that gives them the feeling of having Control in the Universe.

    The happy countenance, the drawings, the posting, the new lease on life: Maybe he views this as A New Beginning. You are annoyed because that casts you into the deep dark past.

    This is a blessing. Imagine if you married him!

    *shudder*,

    Inky

    #267045

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yuhan:

    First I will retell your story as you shared it here best I can (it helps me process information when I do that): you and this man met three years ago, dated for about a month, he then broke up with you, saying he “couldn’t commitment and things went too fast”. You then asked him why he told you earlier, shortly after the beginning of dating, that he loved you and then changed quickly. His answer was: “how could you believe that someone would love you in such a short time?.. he said so coz he believed if  he didn’t, he’d lose me”.

    You felt offended and blocked him. Later he  sent  you a few messages  and poems, over the years, but you didn’t reply. December  2017- January 2018, he sent you long emails “saying he  misses me and loves me, that he’d do anything  for me he’d build up a family with me”. You “felt gross and immediately deleted all”.

    You moved  to  Bristol, UK February 2018 and contacted him. He then told you that he wrote these  long emails when he was drunk. April 2018 you started dating and you found out hat he has “serious drinking problems and drug addiction”, and you ended  the relationship.

    He then cried  and begged and promised to stop drinking and doing drugs everyday and swore to you. You  resumed  the relationship with him. In three  days he  broke his  word. You were  about to break up with him again but distracted  by him proposing marriage to you July 2018.

    The marriage proposal meant a lot to you,  a way of staying in the UK following the expiration of your visa and building a family. Between the  proposal July and November 10, he broke  up with you at least  four times. Following the breakups you reasoned  with him and got back together, or he regretted breaking up with you, “crying and begging”. Each reuniting, the  marriage  proposal advanced, a marriage registration date was set, rings were bought, and you moved in together

    The final, most recent  breakup was  November 10. Following that  he  asked you to sell a gift  he gave  you before and give  him the money and argued that it is not  fair that he  moves  out of the apartment because  the rent  there  was already paid (all of deposit and  first two  months paid by you only), and he didn’t have  the money to pay rent elsewhere, nor did he had the money to pay two  bills.

    Currently he is living with you post breakup,  your visa will expire  this coming year, he is going through a bankruptcy but appears calm, relaxed, positive and happy, “promising about himself”, “like a brand new person”. He is focusing on his job and interests, paid you some money that  he owed you and suggested to help you in the  future and that you should  move on.

    Often during the on again off again relationship he  was distressed, cried, “begged that ‘this time’ he’s 100% percent certain” regarding the relationship with you, he kept his full time job but was unhappy with his  job and  “unsuccessful career” and he often drank and did drugs. He shared  with you along the way that he had “a shattered family” and that “His parents, esp the mother always failed  him”. He told you that “he had to learn to not care”.

    During the  relationship, before the final breakup, you wrote: “I needed to be ‘strong’ to comfort him”. But after the  breakup  Nov 10, he appears strong and you feel weak, “down, confusing”, unable to focus on reading for the dissertation you have to work on and you are drinking everyday.

    My input/ my understanding: some of the things he told you were lies, some were true.

    I believe the following is true, or very likely to  be true: that his  origin is  from “a shattered family”, that his parents, especially his mother failed him, that he had to learn to not care.

    The following may or may not be true, likely to  be partly or fully lies: his financial status and anything at all that has to do with money.

    I think that you misunderstood somewhat the following: he was/ is a troubled person, has been weak, will be weak again, but he  is  also a bad person. Throughout the time you knew him he was often in pain but he  also focused on his self interest and didn’t mind it  being at your expense, he didn’t mind that you will suffer for him serving his  own self interest.

    When he told you that he had  to  learn to  not care, that not caring included  not caring about hurting  other people, that  is, hurting you. When he was in pain he didn’t care about your pain and  he didn’t  care about  causing you pain.

    Now that he feels better, he is a bit available to think about your well being, paying you some money he  owed you (not  all and still requesting financial favors), and offering to be your friend. He feels good  enough to be a bit of a good  person. For now.

    When he  was struggling, in pain, you tried  to be strong  for him. Problem is, in his  mind, there was and cannot  be  a team. You were not his partner, in his  mind. He expressed some hunger for love  (a  deep human need), but quickly,  every time, withdrew to the  me-alone-against-a-hostile-world mentality. In other words, as you tried to comfort him as if he was  your partner, you were trying  to comfort a man who will soon, again, see  you as  the enemy, as  one of the people who- like his mother and father- will disappoint him sooner or later.

    Why is he feeling better now? Because now he  has  hope for his  future. For some reason he  feels optimistic about his future.  Maybe he saved enough money- without your awareness- and is satisfied with his new savings, still working on increasing it by having you pay bills that are  partly his to pay. Maybe he  has  a new female target that he thinks  will help him too in his quest  to increase  his savings.

    Reality is, his optimism is  likely to  be short  lived, because his “shattered family” is still his reality, still the birthplace  of his motivation to misuse others, and  the pain of that history will get reactivated soon enough.

    Do all you can to successfully complete your dissertation and to take care of the business you need to attend to. If it is possible for you,  have him move out of the apartment ASAP. Do not communicate with him regarding emotions or any topic that requires honesty. He is not your friend.

    I hope to read from you again, anytime you’d like.

    anita

     

     

    #267131

    Yuhan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    So good to see your post and it helps a lot. Thanks indeed.

    You retold the story quite right only I did not allow him to stay with me, even he requested to stay more than twice. Fortunately we are not living in the same apartment where I paid, but he still owed me money. He is still trying to skip paying me back by saying “it is not fair to pay 2 rent” but I did not/do not buy it and won’t. I am still chasing the money that he owed me.

    Right now I’m processing the loss and the fact that he has moved on so quickly while I’m still grieving. It should be as you said, no matter what ” he is still responsible for his behavior, or I should say, misbehavior.” but I didn’t feel it or see it. That annoys me and hurt me further. Why I am still taking all the consequence of the breaking up, and all the responsibilities before and after the final– apparently he is doing fine and well, and I think it is not appropriate. I wonder why and how I can get rid of this ASAP to focus on my dissertation. I know that you gave me answers somewhat in your last reply, I still need to process it.

    I looked on his bank account and there was not enough cash for sure except for a huge amount of overdraft, unless he has another bank account, otherwise I think the bankruptcy is true.

    He wants to be my friends and still request more help from bills etc., but I don’t care anymore. The post breaking up shows even more of his true characters, and I just wonder what’s wrong with me and how can I go back to a peaceful status of mind….

     

    Yuhan

     

    #267135

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yuhan:

    I will be  able to read and reply to your recent  post when I am back to the computer, in about fifteen hours from now.  Take  good care of yourself!

    anita

    #267145

    Yuhan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    When you said, “I think that you misunderstood somewhat the following: he was/ is a troubled person, has been weak, will be weak again, but he  is  also a bad person. Throughout the time you knew him he was often in pain but he  also focused on his self interest and didn’t mind it  being at your expense, he didn’t mind that you will suffer for him serving his  own self interest.”

    Do you mean I misunderstood it as it is not true?

    #267229

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yuhan:

    I will explain the paragraph you quoted above regarding the misunderstanding I suggested: you wrote earlier that during the relationship, “I needed to be ‘strong’ to comfort him”, as if he was weak and you needed to be strong. My point is that he wasn’t  just weak, he was also selfish and dishonest. Weak, selfish and dishonest, this is why comforting  him wasn’t enough. You comfort him, he  feels better, makes new promises… but he is still dishonest and selfish, you didn’t comfort or make that part of him go away.

    He told you early on that he loved you and later said: “how could you believe that someone would love you in such a short time?” What he was saying was that he lied to you and it was okay for him to lie, and if you didn’t know he was lying, that is your problem, not his.

    He then told you that he said I-love-you because “if he didn’t, he’d lose me”- so he said I-love-you so to have sex with you, that was  his self  interest and he  was   willing to lie to you (operating  against your well being) so to satisfy his self interest. This is selfish- self interest at the expense  of your well being.

    When he later sent you poems and emails saying “he misses me and  loves me”, you understandably “felt gross and immediately deleted all”. Indeed it is not reasonable to believe him yet again!

    Yet you believed him enough when he proposed to you and you kept investing in a dishonest  and selfish man. I need to understand better what  it  is that you struggle with now: is it that you feel badly for having invested all that time in an  investment  that produced no return-on-investment?

    Is it that  you feel attached to him, still want him in your life and upset that he appears calm and happy and therefore he  will not  be begging you again to  allow him back into his life?

    Is it that you are  lonely, afraid of going back to your original country this  coming  new year?

    anita

    #267253

    Yuhan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for the kindly reply. It does make me rethink the whole thing.

    I’m struggling now that he should be responsible for his behaviour and misbehaviour, but I didn’t feel it or see it. That annoys me and hurt me further. Because it seems to me that so far I am taking all the bad consequence of the breaking up as well all the responsibilities before and after the final– apparently he is doing fine and well, and I think it is not appropriate. I want him to get karma but it is not in my hands.

    I know that I should forgive, to make myself feel better — but I cannot, I cannot forgive him, instead I wish him to suffer! I can feel my anger and it has no place to go! — Is it unhealthy and not nice? If so, how can I stop thinking like that?

    I do not want him to get back to my life again, no. However, the time, energy, money and emotion have been invested already and none of them I could take back. The breaking up for him, is just to move to a new place, start up a new life — which he is doing right now in a positive way, whereas the breaking for me is to leave the county with sorrows and scars, with my reluctant willing to leave….It’s like being verdict to a leaving penalty by his selfish, deluded judgement, but i’m the victim? it’s not fair on me at all!

    I am lonely and I am afraid of going back to my homeland to start up everything again at the age of 34, comparing to just a few days ago, I was in the hope to have a marriage, a family and a home. Now, consciously I know this man has nothing I miss or lose, and I cannot be happy with him whatsoever, but it didn’t really help reduce the pain.

    Thanks for reading.

    Yuhan

    #267263

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yuhan:

    1. Anger, the emotion: you feel angry at him and it is okay for you to feel angry at him. “my anger… not nice?”, you wrote. Nice people feel anger. Everyone  feels anger. It  is a natural emotion and it  is no  less of a good emotion than love or joy or sadness. The purpose of anger in animals, humans included, is to survive, it motivates  an animal to fight so to preserve its  life, to protect its offspring, territory, to promote one’s valid self interest. You were angry at him before, this is why you blocked him long ago and after he proposed to you, you were angry: “I was so struggling between saying ‘yes’ or F*** off'”-

    The  anger was  in you all along, motivating you to block him, to tell him to F** off, that  is, it motivated you to not be associated  with him, which would have  been the right thing for you. So you see, anger is a  good emotion. You ignored  it, that  was  the problem.

    2. Forgiveness: “I know that  I should forgive”- not necessarily and not anytime soon. Be okay with the anger  in you, accept it, don’t  try to get rid of it. (Emotions do lessen when they are  allowed  to be).

    3. Justice: it is  natural to  want justice following injustice and we should  do  our best to promote justice. If there is a  legal and ethical way for you to pursue justice regarding him, do so. For example, if there was or will be a way for you to seek monetary compensation from him in a court of law, do so.  But accept the fact  of life that in the context of you and another person, when injustice  is done to you by that person, often enough there is nothing you can do about it after the fact.

    But notice this: your ex boyfriend, he is not done suffering. He too will feel pain sooner than later. No one gets away without suffering. It is a fact of living. As you see him calm and happy, it will not last. In other words, everyone suffer, the good and the bad and all in between.

    4. Wasted time, youth and your future: waste is the  rule, not the  exception. I personally wasted decades of my life and all of my youth. Looking around, again, waste is common, everywhere, waste of time, of youth, of money, of resources, of joy-not-experienced, life-not-well-lived.

    Best anyone can do is learn from experience so to waste less in the future. There still will be waste, but waste less. Plan better, evaluate people and situations better, and live a more functional life. Your life can still be a good life. Don’t give up, keep going.

    And post here anytime, I will be glad to reply to you anytime you do post.

    anita

     

    #267525

    Yuhan
    Participant

    Hi Anita and others, the following is more like a sharing and mumbling…
    I’m better off by not thinking ‘how it should be’. I did some soul searching…

    I come from a shattered family as well where I’ve been psychically abused from age 4,or 6? – 20. The constant rampaged abuser was my father and my mother was the turn-tail; often times what happened was that my father was gonna beat me up or beating me, and she  ran away, refusing to witness, well, of course not to help.

    When I retrieve my earliest feelings to such experience as a grown up, there are two kinds/categories very obvious.
    1st, The huge amount of psychical pain and the fear for it — I remember my father beat me up with solid wood when I was only 4 or 5, and another time I was 9 or 10-ish, my father beat me so hard and it was so painful that I wished to die ;
    2nd, The blame. My parents made me believe that I was beaten up because I was especially intractable and difficult than any other kids/teens.  Here is an example of how I reacted. I used to have bad respiratory system and I got sick in winters very often. I’d always rather to secretly take medicines I bought myself from the pharmacy, than telling my parents the truth, simply because they would blame as ‘why you get yourself sick again’.

    But don’t get me wrong, there were happy times in my childhood/teen life, even with my father, even in such an abusive family. Although, these happy hours didn’t REALLY matter — I wish my memories could have focused on the rare, but real positivities.
    In reality, I resent to my parents for so many years in a way of thinking that I deserved better, I could have done so much better as a person if I was born in a different family; I could have had a wholesome personality. I’ve got the belief, well, I’d say a fact that my parents deprive me from having a happy childhood/teen life and to which, I could never have back.

    I cannot change my unhappy memories but perhaps I can change the way of looking at them. Over the years I’ve build up a ’not so bad’ relationship with my father, by trying to understand where he came from, and tell my self that ‘you are a grown up now, do not blame your parents for whatever happens in your current life’ — is this the right way to live a life or am I blaming myself again?
    To draw the above to my recent ended relationship, I find it difficult to not blame myself, me being native, stupid, or whatever the communicational problems we had — what if they are all true. I wonder if this devaluation of myself might cause me to invest in a toxic relationship in the first place, a dishonest person I knew in the first place. Then I’ve come to a conclusion/perspective which I’ve got so many years and keeps worrying me: what if I am a person who is not able to love myself — that’s why such toxic thing have entered in my life and will happen again.
    The bright side is, we can only solve problems that’ve been seeing in our conscious level and I’ve seen them for years. The downside, if blame is my problem all along, and lower self-esteem rooted from my original family is the source for causing my fatal flaws, then unfortunately, such characters have probably become my personality already.

    Thanks for reading
    Yuhan

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Yuhan.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Yuhan.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Yuhan.
    #267545

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yuhan:

    I too suffered in childhood and wanted to die. My mother mistreated me, she did the beating, not with “solid wood”, she used her hands and feet to slap, hit and kick me. And she used words, humiliating words that shamed me deeply. I too thought I was at fault, having “fatal flaws”. And I too tried to “understand where (she) came from”.

    I didn’t understand at the time that understanding where she came from was not going to change the damage done by the verbal and physical beatings. It couldn’t possibly make it retroactively okay, saying to myself something like: it doesn’t hurt anymore, the memory of those  words  because now I understand that she had a tough childhood, that she suffered abuse, that she was  in pain.

    All that trying to understand her did for me was to focus on her, as if I  was not important.

    I believed there was  something terribly wrong  with me, so I accepted mistreatment by others, as an adult. I didn’t know anything different, being treated with respect… I had a couple of experiences of that, and it felt so strange.. but didn’t have enough of it.

    For example, as a child, an uncle asked me a question as if I mattered. It seemed like he was waiting for my answer with interest and curiosity. How strange that was/

    I too had  some happy experiences in childhood. My mother and other people accused me for remembering only  the bad, and I  felt guilty for that. Only  later, much later, did I realize that I remembered the bad so vividly, not because I had the .. fatal flaw of remembering  the  negative, but because it is natural to focus on the negative. For example, a deer is pleasantly eating grass, then it  hears a noise, could be an approaching predator, some danger (something negative). It immediately stops eating and focuses  on the danger until it passes.

    Animals are geared to focus on danger/ the negative so to survive.

    It was not your fault that you got sick. It was your father fault that he  beat you up and it is your mother’s fault for not protecting you, for running away (as if she was afraid that he will beat her up too?). It was not your fault that your ex boyfriend lied to you. You are responsible for staying with him, not for his behavior.

    anita

     

    #267677

    Yuhan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for the sharing. I feel that I can totally understand how you felt/feel, it is disheartening, yet at least we know we are not alone. One thing tho, how do you deal with your day-to-day life, esp, when toxic relationship entered, or affected, if in your description, I see you are s till in pain of your childhood and my way of dealing with this (not the best way) did not work for you?

    The damage is done, of course and nothing in the present can change a done thing, unfortunately. Therefore, understanding where my father and mother came from did not ease the pain in the past. When I was 29, I still cried at night because childhood memory suddenly occurred out of blue……I don’t know how to heal the little girl in the past, but I guess the whole point of understanding where they come from makes the current life easier, for example, at least I can try to do some parents-daughter things with each of them, and I try to spend time with them and care about them as a daughter. My father stopped beating me around 14 years ago, I was around 20. Over the years we still have had a lot of arguments, he still hurt me emotionally in order to keep/control me (weird, innit?), but I can feel that he is becoming weak, and I tend to believe that he has been always weak that violence was his only weapon. It is just sad, but it is what it is.

    If you don’t mind me to ask, how is the relationship between your parents and you? I don’t mean to pry, just wonder if non-forgiveness and tolerance can walk hand-in-hand in the reality.

    It’s amazing to see that you’ve got the deluded belief of ‘what’s wrong with me’ as me, yet still got the kindest empathy to people, even a stranger like me. It is the bright side of human nature, isn’t it? And maybe negativity survives us from danger and uncomfortable situation, positivity makes us keep going, no matter what. Every and each time a bad relationship ended like this, we, I as well, would find ourselves even more difficult to trust, let down the guard and be open with people, but at the end of the day (I’m still waiting and hoping), it is not worthy to refuse the whole world just coz some damaged people.

    How did you cope with your belief rooted from childhood? More specifically, what is your solution to not let the past define who you are?

    Thanks for reading

    Yuhan

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 22 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.