Dear Yuhan:

You are welcome.

“it is not worthy to refuse the whole world just coz some damaged  people”- I think we are all damaged people, to one extent or another we all get damaged in childhood. And some of that damage will damage yet other people. But the people who go out  of their way to damage others, those  we  must  avoid, have  no contact with them.

Most  and maybe  all parents are anxious. A child needs a calm parent, so  when a child observes her  parent/s behaving  anxiously, repeatedly, that  is  damaging to  the child. But a parent that  goes out of his  or her  way to damage  is the  one beating  the  child, repeatedly, harshly, years of it. I would have easily forgiven my  mother for  behaving anxiously, for any and all behaviors born out of ignorance, even some spanking, but not for having gone out of her way to damage me by humiliating me, verbally and physically, repeatedly, year after year, and  blaming me for her  behavior, drilling  in  me the belief that I am a bad and  an unworthy person.

I have ended all contact with her in 2013 and will never have  any contact with her for the  rest  of her/ my life. That ending  of contact made  my healing  possible, a healing process that  is still ongoing. (My father was divorced when I was  very young and died many years  ago).

I wish I ended contact with her in my  early   twenties, that way, I would have a whole lot more  life  to live as a good, worthy person, not a life that I did live, one based on the beliefs that I  was a bad and  unworthy person.

You asked, if  I understood correctly, how my experience with  my mother affected my  relationships  with men as an adult. A partial answer: I  behaved based on the  belief that I  was  unworthy, that is, I had  to pay a price for  the man spending his worthy time with me, Unworthy. So I let a man use  me so that there  is  a reason for him to bother with me, no matter I felt no attraction and no desire, even disgust.   (and it was difficult!) to let him use me. Soon enough, I got angry at him and end the  not-yet-relationship.

I didn’t have relationships, really, but short things here and there, on an off at best, nothing that  has  trust in it, or value, or a meeting of the minds, nothing stable, nothing good. Most  of the  time, the great majority of the time, I was  alone.

I have a relationship now, a real relationship, a marriage, eight years now.

anita

Dear Yuhan:

You are welcome. I don’t know of books, I no longer read books and don’t have the books I read long ago. I decided a few years ago to learn about life from a “beginner’s mind”, that is, understanding things from the basics, by interacting with people here and learning  the basics. Not an academic, from-a-book learning, but otherwise.

You wrote earlier: “I don’t know how to  heal the  little girl in the  past”- that little girl is you. Because our brains are formed in those Formative Years of our childhood, and we don’t  shed  our brain, well.. there it is, right between your ears, and so, you are that  little girl, plus the experiences since.

Here are a  few  suggestions to heal the little girl in the past/present:

1. Evaluate the people you interact with and eliminate or limit contact with  people who are  in the way of you healing. This includes family members- if seeing your father or mother causes  you to want to fix the  old relationship, to make him or  her finally see you, hear you, understand you… and love you,  that is a cause of  concern, for me, thinking about your healing. This motivation has kept  me sick for many years. It is impossible to heal while keeping  sick or sickening  relationships ongoing, be it with parents, siblings, boyfriend, and so forth.

2. Psychotherapy or counseling with an empathetic, respectful, very  patient and capable therapist is the  best, but  not  all therapists are created equal, many help but then hurt, it is not a simple matter, to  find one that  is  good.

3. Manage  your life well, that is, be employed, pay your bills, take care of your basic necessities.

4. Here is an exercise you can do, here or elsewhere: let the  little girl tell her story in her words, simple language, like a five year old will speak, not the fancy language of an adult. Sit quietly, think of  the girl, notice if your face becomes sad, have the computer  in front  of  you, or a piece of paper and write, let her dictate the words, tell you how she feels. When you find yourself interrupting her by analyzing, or remembering  a concept  you read in a book, a label, a term, stop yourself and let her speak.

anita

Dear Yuhan:

It is a bad idea because the  only hope for a child is to fix the relationship with her parent/s. She has nowhere  to  go, so she tries to fix the father that beats her so that he stops beating  her. Her focus becomes the aggressive parent. She makes adjustments, adjusting her  thinking  and  behavior in that effort.

It  is those  adjustments that are in your way of a healthy adult  living.

When you still try  to  fix him, you are continuing  to  make  those adjustments. Healing is about undoing some of those adjustments, not keep practicing  them!

(You can think and write next about the adjustments you made to living with your father)

There is a big world out there with billions of people. Your chance to  have a healthy, loving relationship is not with the same man who beat  you until you were 20. Better choose another man out  of the billions out there.

anita

Dear Yuhan:

Take your time and post again when you are ready and willing.

anita