December 4, 2018 at 7:01 am #267695
You are welcome.
“it is not worthy to refuse the whole world just coz some damaged people”- I think we are all damaged people, to one extent or another we all get damaged in childhood. And some of that damage will damage yet other people. But the people who go out of their way to damage others, those we must avoid, have no contact with them.
Most and maybe all parents are anxious. A child needs a calm parent, so when a child observes her parent/s behaving anxiously, repeatedly, that is damaging to the child. But a parent that goes out of his or her way to damage is the one beating the child, repeatedly, harshly, years of it. I would have easily forgiven my mother for behaving anxiously, for any and all behaviors born out of ignorance, even some spanking, but not for having gone out of her way to damage me by humiliating me, verbally and physically, repeatedly, year after year, and blaming me for her behavior, drilling in me the belief that I am a bad and an unworthy person.
I have ended all contact with her in 2013 and will never have any contact with her for the rest of her/ my life. That ending of contact made my healing possible, a healing process that is still ongoing. (My father was divorced when I was very young and died many years ago).
I wish I ended contact with her in my early twenties, that way, I would have a whole lot more life to live as a good, worthy person, not a life that I did live, one based on the beliefs that I was a bad and unworthy person.
You asked, if I understood correctly, how my experience with my mother affected my relationships with men as an adult. A partial answer: I behaved based on the belief that I was unworthy, that is, I had to pay a price for the man spending his worthy time with me, Unworthy. So I let a man use me so that there is a reason for him to bother with me, no matter I felt no attraction and no desire, even disgust. (and it was difficult!) to let him use me. Soon enough, I got angry at him and end the not-yet-relationship.
I didn’t have relationships, really, but short things here and there, on an off at best, nothing that has trust in it, or value, or a meeting of the minds, nothing stable, nothing good. Most of the time, the great majority of the time, I was alone.
I have a relationship now, a real relationship, a marriage, eight years now.
anitaDecember 6, 2018 at 1:30 am #268061
Thanks for sharing. From your experience, it ensures me more of a personal belief, that time doesn’t heal (all the time), but human beings forget.
I too consistently suffering from feeling not wanted, not worthy, not good enough. I decide to read books and do some more soul searching, and if you know books you find very helpful, please feel free to recommend to me.
Again, thanks for your help.
YuhanDecember 6, 2018 at 4:41 am #268073
You are welcome. I don’t know of books, I no longer read books and don’t have the books I read long ago. I decided a few years ago to learn about life from a “beginner’s mind”, that is, understanding things from the basics, by interacting with people here and learning the basics. Not an academic, from-a-book learning, but otherwise.
You wrote earlier: “I don’t know how to heal the little girl in the past”- that little girl is you. Because our brains are formed in those Formative Years of our childhood, and we don’t shed our brain, well.. there it is, right between your ears, and so, you are that little girl, plus the experiences since.
Here are a few suggestions to heal the little girl in the past/present:
1. Evaluate the people you interact with and eliminate or limit contact with people who are in the way of you healing. This includes family members- if seeing your father or mother causes you to want to fix the old relationship, to make him or her finally see you, hear you, understand you… and love you, that is a cause of concern, for me, thinking about your healing. This motivation has kept me sick for many years. It is impossible to heal while keeping sick or sickening relationships ongoing, be it with parents, siblings, boyfriend, and so forth.
2. Psychotherapy or counseling with an empathetic, respectful, very patient and capable therapist is the best, but not all therapists are created equal, many help but then hurt, it is not a simple matter, to find one that is good.
3. Manage your life well, that is, be employed, pay your bills, take care of your basic necessities.
4. Here is an exercise you can do, here or elsewhere: let the little girl tell her story in her words, simple language, like a five year old will speak, not the fancy language of an adult. Sit quietly, think of the girl, notice if your face becomes sad, have the computer in front of you, or a piece of paper and write, let her dictate the words, tell you how she feels. When you find yourself interrupting her by analyzing, or remembering a concept you read in a book, a label, a term, stop yourself and let her speak.
anitaDecember 6, 2018 at 4:59 am #268075
First of all I’d like to thank your great suggestions, I do appreciate.
I’m a bit of confused of the first one tho, coz if seeing my father for example, causes me to want to fix the old relationship, isn’t that part of the goal of the healing? Can you elaborate a bit more of that why I shall avoid this contact?
YuhanDecember 6, 2018 at 5:11 am #268079
It is a bad idea because the only hope for a child is to fix the relationship with her parent/s. She has nowhere to go, so she tries to fix the father that beats her so that he stops beating her. Her focus becomes the aggressive parent. She makes adjustments, adjusting her thinking and behavior in that effort.
It is those adjustments that are in your way of a healthy adult living.
When you still try to fix him, you are continuing to make those adjustments. Healing is about undoing some of those adjustments, not keep practicing them!
(You can think and write next about the adjustments you made to living with your father)
There is a big world out there with billions of people. Your chance to have a healthy, loving relationship is not with the same man who beat you until you were 20. Better choose another man out of the billions out there.
anitaDecember 6, 2018 at 7:22 am #268103
I get it now. Very insightful and fresh.
I’d look into it more!December 6, 2018 at 8:01 am #268117
Take your time and post again when you are ready and willing.