Dear Yuhan:

First I will retell your story as you shared it here best I can (it helps me process information when I do that): you and this man met three years ago, dated for about a month, he then broke up with you, saying he “couldn’t commitment and things went too fast”. You then asked him why he told you earlier, shortly after the beginning of dating, that he loved you and then changed quickly. His answer was: “how could you believe that someone would love you in such a short time?.. he said so coz he believed if  he didn’t, he’d lose me”.

You felt offended and blocked him. Later he  sent  you a few messages  and poems, over the years, but you didn’t reply. December  2017- January 2018, he sent you long emails “saying he  misses me and loves me, that he’d do anything  for me he’d build up a family with me”. You “felt gross and immediately deleted all”.

You moved  to  Bristol, UK February 2018 and contacted him. He then told you that he wrote these  long emails when he was drunk. April 2018 you started dating and you found out hat he has “serious drinking problems and drug addiction”, and you ended  the relationship.

He then cried  and begged and promised to stop drinking and doing drugs everyday and swore to you. You  resumed  the relationship with him. In three  days he  broke his  word. You were  about to break up with him again but distracted  by him proposing marriage to you July 2018.

The marriage proposal meant a lot to you,  a way of staying in the UK following the expiration of your visa and building a family. Between the  proposal July and November 10, he broke  up with you at least  four times. Following the breakups you reasoned  with him and got back together, or he regretted breaking up with you, “crying and begging”. Each reuniting, the  marriage  proposal advanced, a marriage registration date was set, rings were bought, and you moved in together

The final, most recent  breakup was  November 10. Following that  he  asked you to sell a gift  he gave  you before and give  him the money and argued that it is not  fair that he  moves  out of the apartment because  the rent  there  was already paid (all of deposit and  first two  months paid by you only), and he didn’t have  the money to pay rent elsewhere, nor did he had the money to pay two  bills.

Currently he is living with you post breakup,  your visa will expire  this coming year, he is going through a bankruptcy but appears calm, relaxed, positive and happy, “promising about himself”, “like a brand new person”. He is focusing on his job and interests, paid you some money that  he owed you and suggested to help you in the  future and that you should  move on.

Often during the on again off again relationship he  was distressed, cried, “begged that ‘this time’ he’s 100% percent certain” regarding the relationship with you, he kept his full time job but was unhappy with his  job and  “unsuccessful career” and he often drank and did drugs. He shared  with you along the way that he had “a shattered family” and that “His parents, esp the mother always failed  him”. He told you that “he had to learn to not care”.

During the  relationship, before the final breakup, you wrote: “I needed to be ‘strong’ to comfort him”. But after the  breakup  Nov 10, he appears strong and you feel weak, “down, confusing”, unable to focus on reading for the dissertation you have to work on and you are drinking everyday.

My input/ my understanding: some of the things he told you were lies, some were true.

I believe the following is true, or very likely to  be true: that his  origin is  from “a shattered family”, that his parents, especially his mother failed him, that he had to learn to not care.

The following may or may not be true, likely to  be partly or fully lies: his financial status and anything at all that has to do with money.

I think that you misunderstood somewhat the following: he was/ is a troubled person, has been weak, will be weak again, but he  is  also a bad person. Throughout the time you knew him he was often in pain but he  also focused on his self interest and didn’t mind it  being at your expense, he didn’t mind that you will suffer for him serving his  own self interest.

When he told you that he had  to  learn to  not care, that not caring included  not caring about hurting  other people, that  is, hurting you. When he was in pain he didn’t care about your pain and  he didn’t  care about  causing you pain.

Now that he feels better, he is a bit available to think about your well being, paying you some money he  owed you (not  all and still requesting financial favors), and offering to be your friend. He feels good  enough to be a bit of a good  person. For now.

When he  was struggling, in pain, you tried  to be strong  for him. Problem is, in his  mind, there was and cannot  be  a team. You were not his partner, in his  mind. He expressed some hunger for love  (a  deep human need), but quickly,  every time, withdrew to the  me-alone-against-a-hostile-world mentality. In other words, as you tried to comfort him as if he was  your partner, you were trying  to comfort a man who will soon, again, see  you as  the enemy, as  one of the people who- like his mother and father- will disappoint him sooner or later.

Why is he feeling better now? Because now he  has  hope for his  future. For some reason he  feels optimistic about his future.  Maybe he saved enough money- without your awareness- and is satisfied with his new savings, still working on increasing it by having you pay bills that are  partly his to pay. Maybe he  has  a new female target that he thinks  will help him too in his quest  to increase  his savings.

Reality is, his optimism is  likely to  be short  lived, because his “shattered family” is still his reality, still the birthplace  of his motivation to misuse others, and  the pain of that history will get reactivated soon enough.

Do all you can to successfully complete your dissertation and to take care of the business you need to attend to. If it is possible for you,  have him move out of the apartment ASAP. Do not communicate with him regarding emotions or any topic that requires honesty. He is not your friend.

I hope to read from you again, anytime you’d like.

anita