Dear Yuhan:

I will explain the paragraph you quoted above regarding the misunderstanding I suggested: you wrote earlier that during the relationship, “I needed to be ‘strong’ to comfort him”, as if he was weak and you needed to be strong. My point is that he wasn’t  just weak, he was also selfish and dishonest. Weak, selfish and dishonest, this is why comforting  him wasn’t enough. You comfort him, he  feels better, makes new promises… but he is still dishonest and selfish, you didn’t comfort or make that part of him go away.

He told you early on that he loved you and later said: “how could you believe that someone would love you in such a short time?” What he was saying was that he lied to you and it was okay for him to lie, and if you didn’t know he was lying, that is your problem, not his.

He then told you that he said I-love-you because “if he didn’t, he’d lose me”- so he said I-love-you so to have sex with you, that was  his self  interest and he  was   willing to lie to you (operating  against your well being) so to satisfy his self interest. This is selfish- self interest at the expense  of your well being.

When he later sent you poems and emails saying “he misses me and  loves me”, you understandably “felt gross and immediately deleted all”. Indeed it is not reasonable to believe him yet again!

Yet you believed him enough when he proposed to you and you kept investing in a dishonest  and selfish man. I need to understand better what  it  is that you struggle with now: is it that you feel badly for having invested all that time in an  investment  that produced no return-on-investment?

Is it that  you feel attached to him, still want him in your life and upset that he appears calm and happy and therefore he  will not  be begging you again to  allow him back into his life?

Is it that you are  lonely, afraid of going back to your original country this  coming  new year?

anita