Dear Yuhan:

1. Anger, the emotion: you feel angry at him and it is okay for you to feel angry at him. “my anger… not nice?”, you wrote. Nice people feel anger. Everyone  feels anger. It  is a natural emotion and it  is no  less of a good emotion than love or joy or sadness. The purpose of anger in animals, humans included, is to survive, it motivates  an animal to fight so to preserve its  life, to protect its offspring, territory, to promote one’s valid self interest. You were angry at him before, this is why you blocked him long ago and after he proposed to you, you were angry: “I was so struggling between saying ‘yes’ or F*** off'”-

The  anger was  in you all along, motivating you to block him, to tell him to F** off, that  is, it motivated you to not be associated  with him, which would have  been the right thing for you. So you see, anger is a  good emotion. You ignored  it, that  was  the problem.

2. Forgiveness: “I know that  I should forgive”- not necessarily and not anytime soon. Be okay with the anger  in you, accept it, don’t  try to get rid of it. (Emotions do lessen when they are  allowed  to be).

3. Justice: it is  natural to  want justice following injustice and we should  do  our best to promote justice. If there is a  legal and ethical way for you to pursue justice regarding him, do so. For example, if there was or will be a way for you to seek monetary compensation from him in a court of law, do so.  But accept the fact  of life that in the context of you and another person, when injustice  is done to you by that person, often enough there is nothing you can do about it after the fact.

But notice this: your ex boyfriend, he is not done suffering. He too will feel pain sooner than later. No one gets away without suffering. It is a fact of living. As you see him calm and happy, it will not last. In other words, everyone suffer, the good and the bad and all in between.

4. Wasted time, youth and your future: waste is the  rule, not the  exception. I personally wasted decades of my life and all of my youth. Looking around, again, waste is common, everywhere, waste of time, of youth, of money, of resources, of joy-not-experienced, life-not-well-lived.

Best anyone can do is learn from experience so to waste less in the future. There still will be waste, but waste less. Plan better, evaluate people and situations better, and live a more functional life. Your life can still be a good life. Don’t give up, keep going.

And post here anytime, I will be glad to reply to you anytime you do post.

anita