Hey Anita and rebirthandrestart,

Sorry It took me a while to write my reply! Thank you for commenting again. I do think my expectations of a relationship and what I should feel can be wrong.  I just always saw this relationship thing as something that I could never obtain because I was not good enough or beautiful enough, and I rarely felt in love with anyone anyway. If I did feel infatuated with someone I was too insecure to reach out. But I was always focused on that feeling, like its the only thing.

I also thought about my old relationships. They where long and we argued a lot. The guys had no future plans, hobbies or aspirations. I felt stuck with them, but I didn’t want to be alone. I felt more like a parent to them trying to fix them (getting a job, school, housing) than anything. I sometimes, back then, I felt like maybe if I was in love with them also, it would work. Which is totally ridiculous, because It would have just blinded me from these red flags and bad personalities. They honestly felt like a project, I put effort and time in them and eventually I felt cheated because it would always end in an explosion of me getting tired and/or him falling out of love. I was also always their first love.

I understand butterflies are not so important, maybe its just something I always expected that needed to be there 100%.  Maybe I built this expectation in my mind over the years. I am thinking about seeing a therapist just to figure out what I might have picked up from my past that is still bothering me and keeping me from being happy with him.

I just got home from seeing him for a week, we had a lot of fun and I tried not to overthink too much when I was with him. But in the back of my mind I just cant kick the feeling. People tell me to trust my gut.

The little voice in my head says i’m not in love and I am leading him on. I should feel more excited than I do. When he expresses his giddyness and butterflies to me it feels even worse. I have such a good thing right? I cat understand why I’m not more happy and sure like him. Why dont I feel more nervous and EXCITEMENT to see him? He told me he missed me so much it made him a bit depressed, that made me feel a lot of guilt.

On the other hand I have never had a relationship like this before. We treat each other with respect, want the same things from life and the future. There is little to no arguing or irritations. And I like being intimate with him. Our values, needs and desires seem to be aligned. It feels calm and normal to be with him.

I also feel like i can talk to him about anything. I could not help but to speak my mind about all of this with him a little bit, he didn’t mind, was very respectful and told me that he cared more about my actions than the way I feel about him on romantic levels. And that I should not overthink everything so much. (I wish I could haha)

I’m afraid if I follow my gut I am going to throw a good relationship away. In two weeks hes coming to my country to meet my friends and family and i’m excited for that. I want to build a better connection with him, but the distance makes it difficult too.

I think maybe I would be more at ease if we lived closer to each other, not so much time to ponder and examine how I feel. Its really an obsession. There is also now a chance, that I might not be moving to him in my next job. I might be moving somewhere else in Europe for 8 months. This will make it nearly impossible for us to see each other because of our work and the fact that he is studying. He told me he wants to make it work and well find a way, I am just not as sure as he is because I feel like he is a bit infatuated with me and it just makes the feeling of wanting to be close stronger?

I am not trying to overthink it and I am focusing on his visit to me in two weeks, which Im really looking forward to!