Dear Robi1992:

You had more sex than many, being in your mid twenties: four and a half years of regular sex in the  context of two long  term relationships (“In high school by  the  age of 17 I had my first  sexual partner… for 2 and  a  half  years. We  broke up .. went  back  together.. made  it  5 more months“, plus second long term girlfriend: “we had sex for one and a half years more”)

And you had excellent performance kind of sex with the two  women (and third, one night stand or a few such): “I sexually performed quite well… in all 3 cases I got lots of compliments towards my sexual performances”

Having re-read much of your previous thread of earlier this year where we communicated much, I would say that the  problem is not that you didn’t have enough sex and therefore should  have more, but that you were not adequately present in the sex that you did have (and in life  otherwise), and therefore you should become present in your own life.

Long ago, in those Formative Years of your childhood, you disappeared. You now need to reappear. You wrote summer this year: “I keep feeling  like I should just disappear. Go somewhere new and just start a new life. Just leave everything behind”- thing is, you already disappeared. You need to reappear.

As a child, every day after  school you waited for  your parents at their  workplace  for 6-7 hours, doing nothing. Following that long daily wait, they took you home where your room was a storage  room, the stuff there was  not yours, and  your  parents entered that  room whenever they needed an  item stored there. The door was made of glass, “They could almost see me through that glass door. Also hear me.”

They saw and heard  your physical body, the sight of you and the sound of you. They didn’t see you deeper than that. It is almost as if you were an item in that storage  room, just an item that they sometimes criticized (ex., not doing  homework).They saw your physical body but they didn’t see that you were lonely and trapped and unloved.

“I never had my own space… I used to minimize whatever was happening on my computer every time they were entering the room… I was trying to keep something for myself… I also kept most of my friends as a secret from them.  I never wanted my parents to get  to  know my friends”

You minimized your computer screen and you minimized yourself, hiding.

Even during summer, in the lake  house, “I was trapped there waiting for people to come and give me some attention. I guess.. I was very lonely. Well.. Not. My parents were there every second of my childhood”

Your parents were there a whole lot, you saw them for hours as they worked after school, you saw them at home, you saw a whole lot of them, but you were a non-person to them, but some sort of a person-item. Something to feed, to buy this or that for, to finance, but not to see into your heart and mind.

Your interests disappeared: “In school I was never interested in much of the subjects and  I just wanted time to  pass.. I used to study enough to pass my exams. I wasn’t  interested in much”-

Having disappeared you went through the motions, achieving the minimal for the minimal you. And from your entrapment with your parents, behind that glass door, as your parents were to  enter that room anytime they needed something there, you found refuge behind your computer:  “I used  to come  back home after (school), start my PC and did that until the  end of the day”. Even in Spain, away from your parents, during your Erasmus year, “After few months I was already spending  most of my time on my computer”.

In your interactions with peers, including women (when you saw them at the lower end of the totem pole you mentioned), you were “hiding ..under a mask of a successful and charismatic guy”… “sometimes even tending  to dominate the  conversations.. and it makes me feel good and strong”.

But outside your refuge at the computer and putting on the social mask, you feel “like I lack direction, purpose and energy… I feel blank and  I feel desperate to find whatever is  missing there”-

what  is  missing there is what disappeared long ago. Bring that part back and  you will slowly feel involved in life, involved in relationships, in the work place, no longer  performing, wearing a mask, but really being  there.

I think it  will take quality psychotherapy for you to reappear.

anita