Dear anita

Wow.. I mean.. WOW ! I am truly amazed by the way you put all this together. I don’t know how but you got it so right.. This is really incredible. I am really flattered by all the effort you put in all this and I am so grateful for all this. I don’t know why you are doing all this but.. I know one thing.. not many people would and could do that. I can’t really find my words .. but what I’m trying to say is that what you are doing is amazing and you are doing so much good ! You are really  great !

After reading your reply few things started clicking.. In a way they did click before but I guess I put them on hold somewhere..

Lately things where difficult.. I left the big city I was living in, left the job at the restaurant which I kept for one month.. and moved back with my parents in order to save some money and go to Germany. Deep down I knew the relationship won’t work and it was a mistake.. but I did it.  So.. since September I am here.. the plan was to be in Germany by October.. but I didn’t work out. So I ended up being kind of stuck here living with my parents again. It wasn’t easy.. but I decided to do a fresh start. I decided to go to Spain. I decided to end the year here since it’s difficult to find jobs this time of the year and  go to Spain in January. I am not saying that I am completely sure it’s the right move.. but I feel that I need to fresh start somewhere and find a job and try to build a life for myself. It somehow feels that if I stay here I will always be helped by my parents and I will always feel controlled. And… maybe I will also stay comfortable instead of doing more.. Because I guess I tend to come back to them when things don’t work out..  and that is definitely not the answer. I feel that I should do something for myself finally. Just me.

So… I know therapy would be the answer to this. Sadly at the moment I cannot afford that.. As you probably imagine, I am still unemployed  and I don’t have much money.. It does hurt to rely on my parents money. I feel embarrassed.

Deep down I always liked the sea.. I always wanted to be somewhere warm and I always liked the mediteranean way of living. I liked being there even If I sometimes had hard times there as well. I am willing to try that option. And yes.. I am scared that it might not work, or I might not perform good enough.. But I have to do that.. just me, on my own feet. It’s less likely to quit my job and stay home comfortable while my parents take care of my finances. And.. it’s more likely that I will build confidence once I start working and earning my own money.  The main thing is.. I felt like I belong there much more than I do here..  maybe it’s the right place for me but maybe I wasn’t exactly the right person. I would like to know your honest opinion on my plan.. Somehow I sense that you will say that I am running.. And in a way I am.. but maybe it’s the right thing to do.

As for my parents.. being here these months.. made me look at them and at their lifestyle more… somehow analyzing them. My parents really seem to be … boring and bored. They have been like that pretty much since I can remember. My father was always playing everything safe.. he was never involved in anything. He never did sports, he never had hobbies except of work.. he never seemed to have much content.. He was just sitting around. ( sounds familiar eh? ) He never encouraged me to do any sports or learn any skill. He never encouraged me to help others. He always told me to stay away and mind my own business.  My mom had more adventurer spirit.. but I guess it’s been suppressed by my father a lot.. so she was weak enough to just obey. She wasn’t happy with him.. but she stayed for me.. or she was too scared to just start over. If u ask me… I would say both. I would describe both of them as being anxious and disconnected. My father never makes eye contact with me ( or others.. haven’t really noticed that ). Maybe they where simply not aware enough and not skillful enough to provide me with a more caring, fun and involving childhood. I does feel like I am a result of their both personalities.. It really does. But I am not happy with that.

As my conclusion… my parents never had fun, never really had a social life and they’ve been doing the same thing over and over since I can remember.  They’ve been sitting around looking at others enjoying their lives and accepted this role of being the observers who maybe dare but inactive. I guess they just took the simple but as you said, minimal way.. and unfulfilling way.  And… that is definitely not the way I want my journey to be. I am not willing to limit myself and live in a shell just because I was never taught how to live more and how to reach a higher potential. Maybe a lot of people skip the analyzing and questioning part and just lock themselves safely in a place where they wait for the time to pass.. Maybe some people would just accept the way things are in my life.. and just carry on that way. Seems like my parents did exactly that. But not me.

I know I can do so much more and I could be so much more for myself and for the ones around me. I know I can be a better and more connected person and I can bring good to my life and to others. This reminds me of Sinatra.. I need MY WAY.

Thank you anita ! So much ! You taught me a lot !

Dear anita,

Thank you !

Yesterday my ex landlord from Spain wrote me a message. She said she has a room for me starting from 22nd of December ( which funny enough happens to be my birthday .. ). Even if it’s pure coincidence I perceived it as some kind of ”sign”.  I decided to go for it and one of these days I will send her some money as a deposit, and I am planning to move there starting from January.

So basically.. I am going to move back to one of the rooms I used to live 3 years ago. It feels good because I know the landlord and she is really nice. I guess I would’ve preferred something completely new, but trusting and knowing the landlord it’s important for me. I’m grateful for her accepting to host me even if I don’t have a job yet.. and paying the rent could be a problem.. But she took that chance. My mother is going to help me with the deposit and some money for the rent.. let’s say until I find my balance. I am not very happy with the situation but right now I cannot do it on my own..

I felt like my plans are slowly falling into place yesterday, and I was happy. But. And there is a but.. of course. Anxiety started to kick in. ‘

‘ What If I won’t find a job and I will be supported by my parents again and again? ”

” What If I realize that I like it here more than I actually like it there.. ? ” 

” But being here is not that bad.. I have my friends here and if I go back to the big city I used to live in.. I could have great relationships ”

” What If I will be too shy to integrate at my workplace… if I find any ” 

” It would be easier to be a photographer here… simply because of the absence of the language barrier.. and because I know more people.. ” 

” What if I will be anxious and I will have no confidence.. and as a result, I will perform badly at my workplace ? ” 

I hate this… I wanted that and now that I am coming closer to it.. I start being scared about it. It might be normal in some cases.. but again.. every time I am moving towards something / anything.. there is resistance.. and I seem to find reasons not t do it.  But the thing is.. if things where the other way around, I would probably regret not going to Spain..

Analysis Paralysis ?.. I don’t know.

It’s not going to be easy for me to find work there.. it’s not a big city.. but that’s what I like about it. There are a few nice bars I used to go to.. and I used to have lots of friends there.. So..social life was always interesting because of the big wave of travelers. So there is variety and there are a lot of interesting people to talk to. But of course.. I had a lot of time to do that while I was doing my Erasmus.. Because school was quite laid back.. and my internship was pretty much just on paper since my ”boss” only signed my papers so I can enjoy the sun and the parties.. but actually had no need for an intern.. So I had money from the European Union as my scholarship, and a lot of free time.. So there was nothing else to do than go out. Of course things will be different this time.. very different.  But isn’t that what I want ?

So.. I again feel stuck. If I do nothing I feel frustrated and If I’m making progress I feel scared ( or whatever it is that I’m feeling ).

I think the main reason why I haven’t been doing much with my life has to do with me being anxious.. socially anxious and insecure. And I think this is my strongest enemy.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Hey !

I wish you a Merry Christmas ! Hope you will have a good one !

Thank you 🙂