January 11, 2019 at 8:24 am #273847
* didn’t reflect under Topics
(yes, it so happens that it happened again!)January 31, 2019 at 11:33 am #277903
I am glad to hear from you and I am glad to find someone in a similar situation. These days I had pretty bad feelings towards my dating life.. which is not really happening lately and makes me feel really worthless. But I guess in my situation there are a few more reasons for that.. so maybe it’s a mix of everything all together. I don’t know not having any physical intimacy with anyone feels for you but I know quite well the feeling of craving for attention, interest and love. For me, having a normal sex life from the age of 17 until the age of 20 and then not having any for 4 years felt like the end of the world sometimes.. In some cases having it and then not having it for a long time makes it worse. And maybe this is one of those cases. I do feel gratitude sometimes.. I don’t know If I could say it’s really truly felt gratitude but I feel good for the experiences I had. I think about some moments sometimes and I feel good about it.. or about myself. But as I said, I am not sure if I could really call it gratitude. Maybe I should feel grateful for it, and sometimes I try to.
Even if I had quite a few girls interested in me and I had some good experiences, I somehow still seem to forget all that and feel discouraged. Sometimes I am telling myself that.. If it happened for those few times, I am definitely capable and worthy of intimate relationships. And that is true, but I tend to forget that so many times and still end up avoiding opportunities or simply not even trying. Which is really frustrating !
Sadly I cannot afford any therapy right now… and I am about to move to a foreign country to try a fresh start somewhere else. It is a very difficult time right now for me because I have to figure out much more than you do. ( You could really feel lucky on this one ! ). I have never had a proper job, and I never really wanted to do anything.. I simply didn’t know what I want and who I really am. I still don’t. So I am basically about to go somewhere else, apply for jobs and hope that I will be able to find my balance and independence. And I really want to improve so many areas of my life.. Or I could simply say my whole life. It’s a lot of work.
I am glad you are having a satisfying job and you managed to sort things out well for yourself. That is very important. I wish so much I could say the same about my situation. I think you have great reasons to feel grateful! I believe you will find your way of experiencing the relationships you want and you seem to be doing just that. It might be a long process but sometimes we have to trust our struggles.
Again, I am really glad to hear from you and I hope to hear more 🙂
Thank you for your great insights !February 8, 2019 at 9:17 am #279329
I finally made it back to Spain. For the last week while still home, I felt really anxious and unsure about coming here. I was starting to even consider possibilities like becoming a police officer in my home town when someone advised me to do it. That is something I would’ve never considered.. not in 1000 years. So I was super scared about leaving. So unsure that I would find all kinds of reasons to stay in the place where after all I felt like I’m drowning more and more.
But I left anyway on the 5th of February. My mom took me to the airport, I flew and I was here again. I was very tired from the long trip and I felt extremely anxious and unsure. I constantly felt like this is too much and I should give up. I met with the landlord, did all the paperwork and I went to the beach. Once I found myself there I fully realized I actually came back to Spain. Everything looked scary, so much happening, a lot of people who looked like they have their life figured out. Everyone seemed to go somewhere and do something.. But I, once again was floating around wondering what am I doing here. I have to admit.. being awake for the last 30 something hours might have been contributed to the way I felt. I arrived few hours ago and I was already thinking about going back. Everything looked so intimidating. I was feeling like I failed.. maybe because I expected to feel much better when I’m going to be here again.. and it felt like the opposite. I sat on the sand and I started crying. A lot. I was thinking I should go home and ask my family for help. I was thinking about telling them that I cannot function properly and I cannot do all this. I am too scared of having a job and I am too anxious to be here. I wanted to call them and tell them I am going to come home and go in a mental hospital or something to sort things out. But I didn’t. I cried more and more.. and after a while I decided to go to the supermarket and buy some food, cook and get some sleep.
I woke up after a few hours in the afternoon and I noticed I had a few missed calls from my parents. I felt better. Actually much better after I slept. I dressed up, went for a walk and then I called them back. I told them I feel a little scared and I don’t know how I’m going to do this. They supported me and told me that I’m going to be fine, and If I cannot find any work and I am not happy here I can always come back. In a way, I wanted to hear that. It made me feel safe. They encouraged me and told me to think positive and not to worry so much. I was again at the beach, still anxious and scared about what’s going to happen.. and I texted one of my friends from here. We ended up meeting and having a few beers.. like we always did when I was here. And… to be honest I felt good again.. I immediately felt like I am in a good place. Hearing him talking about our common friends and all the new stuff happening around here, gave me some kind of hope. I felt like I can do this, and like I should do this. I almost felt stupid for the way I acted just an hour ago.
So the next day came, went for my usual run and meditation on the beach, video-called my parents to show them some of the city and started asking people about jobs and the papers I need to obtain to be able to legally work here. I knew Spanish bureaucracy was not exactly a walk in the park.. but some people told me I am going to obtain the papers in a few days.. So that wasn’t so bad. My plan was to have my papers and then go to places and ask for a job.
Two days ago I asked my landlord to go with me to the town hall and register my as a resident. That was the first step, and after that I wanted to apply for the spanish ID for foreigners. Yesterday my landlord called me and told me she made an appointment at the town hall for the 25th of March. M A R C H. Apparently a lot of people move here to get a tan. So yeah.. was shocked to find out that I need almost two months just to obtain the first document. And as for the second one, I think I need to have this first one to be able to apply for it. Of course, there is also an appointment to be made for that one.. and the guy at the office today told me that it usually takes around 4..5 months to get it. After hearing all this I called my mom and told her the great news. I felt really disappointed. She told me that she will help me with the money I need and I have to be patient. In a way I felt good and I am very grateful to have my parents support… but in the same time.. this only ads to the same I was doing since forever now. I mean… I haven’t really done anything in school / Erasmus / back home / and now I’m again coming here to start doing something and I end up doing the exact same thing. Nothing. It always seems like It’s written somewhere that this is my purpose here..to do nothing. I know how that sounds.
Well.. I don’t know what to do.. The anxiety is coming back..and I seem to fall back in the same trap. I seem not to really want to try to find work.. I seem to want to waste time again..get comfy. I seem to avoid trying to start living again. And that kills me. It feels like I just don’t want to work. It seems like I want to just go to the beach, go to bars, meet people but I don’t seem to want to work on my life. Even if I am very frustrated about where my life has gone so far, I seem to be too afraid to change it.
Basically… I am here now..waiting who knows how much for the papers.. and my options are just to try to work illegally without a contract in a restaurant, hotel or wherever the tourists come to get a tan. But I feel so anxious and I keep having this pictured in my head about me working somewhere and not being good enough and failing..
I don’t know what to do. I appreciate my parents help a lot.. but in the same time it feels like I am just continuing what I was already doing. And we both know how I feel about that.
I don’t know why this one had to be such a long post as well.. I am sorry for that.. I don’t even know what exactly was I trying to say.. somehow I wanted to complain.. but in the same time I am hopping to get an insight from you.
So much !February 8, 2019 at 10:12 am #279339
The fact that people have to wait in Spain for legal documents is not an indication of the waiting theme we discussed, the theme in your personal life. People have to wait everywhere for documentations and for employment, waiting for interviews, waiting for the result of interviews, waiting in lines to the post office and in supermarkets. Waiting is a reality for everyone. And I don’t think anyone likes to wait. We simply have to.
“I seem not to really want to find work.. I seem to want to waste time again.. get comfy… It feels like I just don’t want to work. It seems like I want to just go to the beach, go to bars, meet people but I don’t want to work on my life”-
You are anxious, scared. Of course you want to “get comfy”. Every person on the face of the earth, when anxious and uncomfortable wants to feel comfortable instead. It is not a matter of having a bad character, it is a matter of not wanting to feel bad.
You have to stop judging yourself negatively. Got to understand you are very much human. Be patient with yourself, gentle. Tell yourself: I am afraid, so I am not going to talk harshly to myself. I need to relax, so I will go to the beach. It is okay.
Make a small list every morning of what you need to do that day, something or a few things practical, so to promote your future employment in Spain. And plan what to do so to relax and feel good this very day. Plan on both.
You need a good friend to be with you every day, especially when you feel scared. Be that friend, be friendly to yourself, do your best in this regard. Will you?
February 9, 2019 at 8:20 am #279407
- This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by anita.
One more thing: I am glad that you posted again and please feel free to post anytime with your thoughts and feelings.
I would like you to make progress in Spain, to make it a good experience for you, one where you thoughtfully and actively participate in your own life, choosing and directing your life.
Every small choice you make, every time you follow a small choice with action, you give yourself the strength and confidence that you desperately need.
anitaFebruary 9, 2019 at 9:45 am #279417AnonymousInactive
Hey, Robi! Massive thanks for the response!
My emotions tend to go in waves. I was in a bit of a lowpoint when I was writing my message. I completely acknowledge that my problems are fairly small, there are days when my problems feel unbearable and immense.
When I got my job, my satisfaction towards life increased only momentarily. I wouldn’t say that my happiness dramatically increased because of getting a job. I still felt unsatisfied for not having relationships.
One huge source of happiness for me is my spiritual path. 2500 years ago the enlightened Buddha taught that suffering is caused by our desires. My desire to have sexual and “romantic” relationships has certainly caused me a lot of unhappiness. Even if my life is nearly perfect in all other ways.
You are in a hard spot right now, trying to find yourself. Don’t beat yourself up and do allow yourself to feel what you are feeling. My feelings of loneliness tend to go away when I hang out with friends or I talk to my relatives, so you talking to your parents is a good practice.
Go outside every once in a while, try different hobbies and activities and give things a chance, even if you don’t know you will like them.February 13, 2019 at 5:55 am #279977
Thank you both, for your replies.
I am grateful to have the great opportunity to have access to all this.
Last days haven’t been the easiest. Even if it’s a really beautiful place I took with me whatever was wrong before when I was home. I expected that to happen of course.. but I somehow hoped it’s going to change.. at least a little. Not sure if it did.
The fact is.. It all comes in waves.. I just don’t feel like doing any kind of effort.. I don’t feel like sending cv’s, like going to places to ask for a job… it’s really a vicious circle. I don’t feel like doing much but if I’m not doing much I feel frustrated and pressured.
I find myself crying sometimes.. it seems to calm me down and make me feel better. Sometimes I have these ups and downs.. I could wake up motivated and pretty okay and later on that day I will feel low and hopeless.. and I will cry. I end up thinking about going back home and starting some serious therapy.. maybe I need to take care of this first in order to be able to proceed in my life. But.. I am here now.. I spent a hell of a lot of my parent’s money to do all this.. I don’t know if I can do this.. and it somehow feels like I have a serious problem… and I feel like everyone else manages to exist and take care of themselves. I think I am still a kid.. I live pretty much the same.. and I don’t know If I can do this.
I sent a few applications to some rent a car companies in the airport..and some other stuff as well. But… I don’t even feel like I want to work… but in a way I want to.. I don’t know what I want.. I would’t say my life is so bad but.. I feel like there is something really wrong with me.. I seem to miss something. I seem to miss an important part of the puzzle.. And without that I cannot really function. Time passes and nothing really changes inside me… I tend to accept the present and procrastinate most of the time. I like going out, drinking and talking to all kinds of people.. I feel good while I do that.. But when I have to apply for jobs, look for jobs, or do any kind of progress towards that.. I turn lazy, numb, tired.. unmotivated. I don’t know what to do..
I feel like giving up so often.. like go back home. Sometimes I feel like just hiding in my room..( which I am not doing ). I always tend to feel really low.. bad..and after 30 mins or so.. I switch my focus on something else and I feel fairly good again. So I wouldn’t say I am living in a constant state of depression.. It feels like I am just unaware of everything. I am aging and not doing anything.. time passes and I just float around.. I go for a run on the beach, I go to parties.. I spend my parent’s money.. but at the end of the day I start crying because I don’t accomplish anything.. or I simply forget about all the problems and act like everything is fantastic. It’s.. hard to understand. Its pretty much like I don’t care about changing anything but in the same time I want to change a lot..
Right now… I feel really down. And I feel like there is no hope for me to heal. Im going crazy.
It seems like I don’t want anything… but why…February 13, 2019 at 6:21 am #279981
If you keep your life the way it is, waiting, procrastinating, you will have feel-good moments, “I like going out, drinking and talking to all kinds of people.. I feel good while I do that.. I go for a run on the beach, I go to parties... or I simply forget about all the problems and act like everything is fantastic“, but you will continue to have lots and lots of feel-bad moments, “but at the end of the day I start crying because I don’t accomplish anything”.
What I italicized above are things that you do that are easy for you to do. So you do them. On the other hand, applying for employment is hard, so you procrastinate what is difficult to do. Some people find it very hard to run and easy, in comparison, to look for work, so they look for work and avoid running.
If you do what is hard for you to do, it will feel badly, but as you persist, a new good feeling will appear, and that is a sense of pride in yourself, something like: wow, I made it! It was so hard, but I persisted and persisted, no matter how hard, and I made it!
Chase that good feeling, the I-made-it good feeling, this is where hope is, hope for you, in that feeling.
February 22, 2019 at 11:18 am #281383AnonymousInactive
- This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by anita.
Hi, Robi. Took me a while to respond.
Remember the time when this topic was about you wanting to have more sex? I like the way this is going. Lol!
I had a crappy time in my life before I had my job. It would have been really great if it had been possible to receive a message from the future, knowing that my life is going to turn out well..
At the time when I had my bad stage, I tried to focus on gratitude. I had a house, I had enough money to eat, I had friends, I had a family and I was still alive. Trying to focus on gratitude sometimes feels horribly unsatisfying, but that’s how it is.
You can still hang out with friends and waste time. Could you spend a little bit of time to contemplate what you want, to look for jobs or studies? 10 minutes a day? 10 minutes every couple of days? If you can do a tiny bit more than that, you will have outdone yourself.
I want to start a family some day, and there are still days when I feel desperate to have a girlfriend or whatever. I don’t know if I can do this either. You are not the only one who has a hard phase in your life. We are in this together.March 4, 2019 at 6:48 am #282803
Pretty much every day I wanted to write here, but I always ended up doing something else. Don´t know why. I noticed this applies to pretty much everything in my life.. Except procrastinating.. I could be a world champion.
So.. I have been here in Spain for one month and I had very good times and pretty bad times as well. I had moments then I’ve been very happy and grateful for being here, when I was sure I want to stay here. I also had moments when I wanted to go back to my country, to my family, to my cars, to the mountain roads where I used to race my cars.. to some of my friends there.
I had moments when I was so grateful for the friends I have here in Spain.. and sometimes I really felt loved and appreciated. So it’s not bad here. It’s actually nice.. and I can say I have a few good friends.. friends I met when I was here doing my Erasmus year. I almost have tears in my eyes when I’m writing this.. I don’t know why.
The things is.. almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense. Maybe I am emotionally unstable.. but I cry quite often.. Maybe it’s a lot of pressure all this.. being here, looking for a job, making new friends.. Maybe I am scared of all this.. and maybe that’s why I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there. Not really.. I start caring for my parents more and more since I am here.. and I feel very grateful for them helping me be here and doing such a big effort. They don’t earn a lot of money.. but they keep helping me.. and they keep telling me they will help me until I find my way, so I should give it time and do my best to find a good job. It seems like they want me to be happy and this time if feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot.
So.. I have been here for one month now. I went to 40 restaurants and bars and gave them my CV, and I sent a few in the airport as well. I was looking for places where they need English speakers. My Spanish is not that good, so I am trying to use the other languages I speak as an advantage. Spanish people don’t speak much English. Going around the city and giving 40 CV’s might sound like some kind of effort but.. It look me 4 days. So.. I have been procrastinating here as well.. I haven’t been doing much. But I was going out quite often and I was getting drunk a lot. So.. I am still doing the same.. and I don’t feel motivated to really find a job.. it’s crazy.
Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher. A friend of mine knew this lady who happens to run a language academy and I somehow ended up replacing someone who just left Spain and was working there as an english teacher ( who was also a friend of mine ). The importance of networking..
It’s not really a big deal, because I will only have 2 students. So.. it’s like.. I will get like 10 euros/ hour.. and since I only have 2 students.. I guess I will have like 50.. 100 euros a month.. which is sh*t. But I suppose it’s a good start no? So there is a chance for me here. I have been there all ready and they seem nice.. I don’t really know anything about teaching english.. and I don’t feel very confident.. or qualified. But.. it sounds much better than cutting onions or serving someone’s dinner.
Okay so I might have a job.. and if I prove myself to be good, they will give me more students, I will earn more money and I could live like a normal human being. So there is a bit of hope. Aaaand there are plenty of other academies here so I could apply to others as well.. and I could have a few courses in each one.
ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED. I MEAN.. FOR F***’S SAKE !!! I FOUND SOMETHING THAT COULD BE REALLY GOOD AND NOT THAT HARD BUT I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?
I will start tomorrow, but I haven’t really read any books about how to be an english teacher.. I haven’t prepared anything. So basically I don’t care. I am living a shit life but I don’t care?
I know my post doesn’t make much sense.. I am a bit lost at the moment.
Thank you for reading ! And thank you for being here ! I wish I could reward you somehow.March 4, 2019 at 7:59 am #282829
Congratulations for getting a job. It is definitely a good beginning. Take it on and expand it, more students, more small jobs.
Don’t wait for motivation, don’t be bothered by the lack of it. Do what needs to be done to carry on this job best you can and expand it over time. Do it as if you are a robot, on auto pilot, but do it, proceed.
“almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures… I feel like crying… I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense… I feel like going home, even if I know there is nothing for me there. Not really”-
-Before you became apathetic toward your parents, as a very young boy, you loved them intensely, completely. It is that love that is coming up when you look at their photos and hear their voices. It is the love underneath the apathy that came about as you waited for hours every day for them to finish their work day.
Many adults venturing away from their childhood home are overwhelmed with that early love and their mind comes up with something like this: if I go back, mom and dad will make it all better.
But that will not happen, because you are no longer a child. They can’t make it all better even if they now have the time for you. Problem is they missed the time-sensitive opportunity that they had to give you time and attention when you were a child. As loving as they are to you now, sending you money and encouraging you, they just can’t make-it-all-better anymore.
If you go back home, I predict it would be a few hours or a few days of feeling better before you are back in front of the computer, doing nothing, feeling nothing but frustration, even greater frustration.
Make Spain work for you now.
anitaApril 1, 2019 at 12:10 pm #287215
Well hello again,
Almost one month passed since I wrote here. It starts to look like a journal. Ahm.. I’m still here and not so many things changed. Actually almost nothing changed. I started having some kind of teaching job in an academy and I started with only 2 courses per week. Sadly it stayed there for the last month and a half and I didn’t get any more students. Lately I even only worked there once in 2 weeks because students don’t seem to come every week. I have been here for almost 3 months now.. and I applied to approximately 60 restaurants/bars, 18 language schools, 30 other jobs I found online – rent a car jobs, airport jobs, supermarket jobs.. and I’ve got nothing by now. It is true, it does feel like I haven’t done my best. Most of the times I didn’t even want to try to go somewhere and ask for a job.. there are days when I haven’t done anything, there are days when I have been watching movies. There are also days when I went from place to place and handled them my CV.
I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I don’t specifically want some kind of job. There is a part of me who seems scared of having a job.. because I am not used to that and I don’t seem to want to leave my comfort zone at all. But on the other side this is what frustrates me the most and I want to change it and have a normal responsible life. For some reason I don’t seem to achieve that. And I tried that for years ( at least that’s what I think ). I was scared about ending up here and doing the same thing I was doing home.. And I guess that’s exactly what I did. I still have no job, no income, I feel lonely, lost and depressed.
I go out with friends 3…4 times a week, I drink and I party but that doesn’t make things much better. I do have moments when I enjoy being here and I feel hopeful but I still feel like some kind of outsider.. like I am outside everything.. outside life?! Everyone seems to handle it in some way an everyone seems to have a job and some kind of drive towards something.
I appreciate what I have.. and I am doing my best to be grateful for everything. Grateful for having enough money to live comfortably, enough food, great shelter, parents and friends. I am also grateful for my experiences so far and I am grateful for who I am today. BUT I don’t like who I am to be honest. I don’t like the fact I am so lost, I don’t like the fact I don’t have a job at the age of 26, I don’t like the fact I am procrastinating sometimes and I don’t like the fact I feel lonely. I have a few friends and they are great people.. But I miss being with a girl and not having any girlfriend or any other kind of relationship with a female except friendship or some small talk in a bar.. I feel socially anxious especially around girls. I seem to be scared to get close to someone again.. and I definitely don’t want to repeat the live have had a few years ago.. when I’ve been lonely for about 4 years. It does seem like it’s going in the same direction.. and.. since I haven’t really changed, It probably does.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s attention I need.. or I simply need to feel loved and appreciated.
The things is.. I came here to change my life and live a good life. I came here to be happy, start having a job and finding myself and it feels like I failed again. It’s awful. I still have days when I cry and I keep praying to god, universe, whatever else is there in hope that somehow I will feel some kind of drive towards something and I will find my motivation to pursue it. It does seem like I am the only one going trough this.. and maybe I am. I mean..everyone has it’s own version of struggles.. but pretty much everyone seems to have a job and be able to go out and enjoy some quality time in the company of a girl. At least these two. A lot of my friends from here or other countries tell me they are not happy and they have no f*cking clue what they are doing with their lives but they all seem to manage so much better than I am.. and I feel like I am miles away behind. I know it sounds childish.. it does sound like a superficial mentality.. but that’s how I feel.
And I don’t think I am sick.. or depressed. I have ups and downs.. I have days when I’m feeling alright.. I have days when I am hopeful and I have days when I feel discouraged and lost.. but it never lasts for very long. I am asking myself quite often if I should go back to my country and look for a therapist and do everything that’s necessary to heal myself.. and I don’t know if this is or not the case. I have been doing therapy before.. and It didn’t really do much for me. I don’t know.
Money is running out.. I keep receiving money from my parents but I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t really know were I want to be either. I like it here.. but it gets boring when I don’t have a job or some kind of schedule.. And no.. trying to make my own schedule like running, reading, looking for a job, etc. doesn’t work. I kind of need some schedule to keep me busy and make me feel like I am accomplishing something and it feels like I am cursed not go get it.. almost like no matter what happens I end up doing the same thing..
Thank you so much for reading. I feel pathetic.. I whine on and on about not being able to be a strong good man who has a good job, feels good and confident, has great friends and does good for himself and the ones around him. Is it really that much of a big deal?April 2, 2019 at 5:32 am #287273
Congratulations for applying to about 60 restaurants and bars, 18 language schools and 30 other jobs you found online!
* maybe you should follow up on these applications, call or visit locations asking about your application, if it was looked at, and what can you do now to get employed there. Show interest by showing up.
“There is a part of me who seems scared of having a job”- maybe that part sees to it that you don’t present yourself to potential employers in the most attractive ways, and that you don’t follow up on applications- be aware and present yourself to employers best you can, and follow up.
“It feels like I am cursed.. almost like no matter what happens I end up doing the same thing”- did you watch the movie Groundhog Day (1993), you may like it, it may give you ideas.. and maybe you will find in it what you are looking for: “some kind of drive towards something” and the “motivation to pursue it”
anitaDecember 2, 2019 at 1:33 am #325555
Well hello again,
It has been a while.. since I wrote here.. and some things changed. Some things haven´t in the past 8 months.
First of all, I am still here in Spain.. after looking for lots of jobs in February and March, I only managed to get a couple of hours a week, teaching english in a language academy. I finally got some work in a Summer Camp in April which made everything better. It was difficult and challenging.. I felt anxious sometimes but I`ve learned a lot from that experience. I did if for a couple of months and then I was unemployed again. That was the deal… it was only for 2 months. So I finished summer camp and in June I got back to my country. I had to… since I had no work and my money was running out.. I have been there for 3 more months and
Well hello again, after a long time!
Writing here right now makes me somehow guilty.. I feel like I am taking advantage
it was weird to be back at the beginning.. I felt like such a failure.. Like I failed and I had to come back.. Maybe I did in some way.. but not entirely for sure. It made sense to go home for 3 months because they just bought a house and they needed a hand with the moving.. So It made sense to go help them since I had no work… and then come back here and try again.
After being there for 3 months it was hard to leave again.. I cried and I questioned my decision to go back to Spain.. I almost gave up and stayed home… almost. I came back here knowing that I will have some courses in the same academy I have been working for earlier this year and I hoped they will give me more work so I will be able to be here. And, they did.. I am workig for 10 hours a week now.. and I am also taking care of some cleaning, so I get some extra money. It´s a little weird to be a teacher and janitor/cleaner in the same place.. but I could think of worse scenarios. I still don`t earn enough money to live here.. so my mother still pays my rent. I can afford all my other expenses except my rent. Being a teacher is quite interesting.. Sometimes it can be really great, sometimes it can be very stressful. I am very anxious before some of my courses… and most of the time I feel like I have no idea what Im doing… and I am scared of my students noticing that.. I don´t think that is true, but I always feel like that.. After I finish my courses I always feel good and uplifted.. Even while doing it, I could say I feel pretty confident. I´ve been doing this for 3 months now and I am starting to get used to having a routine… I do feel better in some respects.. much better. But maybe I still have too much free time..
The thing is … I solved some of the problems.. that is for sure. But I still find myself crying and feeling down.. and feeling very frustrated. I feel very lonely.. and I guess I felt very lonely for a long time.. maybe always.. Since I broke up with my ex girlfriend, a little more than a year ago, I haven´t been with anyone.. Again, I am in the same situation I have been a 3 years ago… when I somehow managed to be single and have no intimate relationships with anyone for nearly 4 years. I was scared I will get trough that again… and I am.. And it feels terrible. It makes me feel so frustrated, lonely and isolated. And I believe I am responsible for that.. and I think for some reason I want to be alone but I don`t want to feel lonely. I keep comparing myself with my friends and the people around me and they all seem to be in a relationship or at least hooking up with people.. None of them seem to go trough what I´m going.. I keep realizing that everyone is having sex.. at least once in a couple of months.. but I haven´t met anyone in my situation.. I feel like a failure, like a looser.. and I don´t know why is this happening.. I think I am just too shy to make these things happen.. and I just prefer not even trying.. I maybe got so comfortable in this situation so I prefer it now.. and I just suffer and wait for someone to make it happen for me.. And sometimes it happens… but the kind of girls who are willing to make all these steps.. are simply not my kind of girls.
I got to the point where I simply meet a girl, and if she is somewhat beautiful and we have a good conversation I over think and almost fall in love.. It´s ridiculous..
I got to the point where I am feeling desperate for any girls attention.. sometimes I feel like I would do anything for some kind of attention.. for some kind of intimacy.. It really feels awful.. and I feel ashamed to be like this.. I really do… And I simply don´t know what to do.. None of my friends know this… I haven´t told anyone that I haven´t had sex in more than a year and that I feel so lonely.. because they all seem to make those things happen.. and I feel like I am such a freak…
I do know and understand that maybe sex is not such an important thing.. and I am maybe too focused on that..
Maybe I shouldn´t.. but this is the way I feel… And some days I miss ex my girlfriend so much and I feel so guilty for not doing my best when I had the chance.. I keep thinking maybe we could´ve made it work.. I know its an illusion and I only think that way because I got so needy and desperate..
I don´t know what to do…
I think I just needed to tell someone..
Thank you !December 2, 2019 at 10:09 am #325635
Good to read from you, exactly 8 months after the last time!
You are doing well, working 10 hours per week teaching and doing janitor work. You are flexible enough and hard working to be able and willing to do both kinds of work in the same workplace.
You are also making progress teaching. I experienced that myself: feeling like I don’t know what I am doing and fearing the students noticed it. (I know of people who definitely know what they are doing, and still they feel like they don’t).
But look at the progress: “After I finish my courses I always feel good and uplifted”- make that good, uplifting feeling last by bringing it back to your mind once in a while, when you need an emotional lift.
“I feel very lonely.. and I guess I felt very lonely for a long time.. maybe always”- ever since you were a child, waiting for your parents at their workplace for hours, alone, waiting for them to finish their work. We people keep living our childhood experience, when that childhood was lonely and unpleasant.
“I keep comparing myself with my friends and the people around me.. hooking up with people… everyone is having sex”- make your comparison more complete and include in it everyone who is suffering from temporary and permanent sexually transmitted diseases, and people who become parents when they are not ready for it- if you have to compare, make your comparison more complete and realistic.
“I got to the point where I simply meet a girl.. I overthink and almost fall in love.. It’s ridiculous.. I am feeling desperate for any girl’s attention.. for some kind of intimacy”- it is not ridiculous, it is natural and understandable for a young, social and sexual animal to crave social and sexual connection with others. It is true to all humans and other social animals. We are born that way.
“I feel ashamed to be like this”- ashamed to be like every other individual social animal on the face of the earth. It doesn’t make sense, does it, to be ashamed for not defying nature?
“some days I miss ex ..girlfriend so much”- the two of you argued so much. That’s not something to miss, is it.
“I don’t know what to do”- bring to mind that uplifting feeling you have when teaching, bring to mind your hard working practice of teaching and doing janitorial work in the same workplace, that is admirable! Congratulate yourself for being able to pay for your expenses in Spain and aim at working more hours and being able to pay for your rent there as well. Patiently keep making progress, day after day after day, every day.
“I think I just needed to tell someone”- keep coming back to your thread and tell me. I want to keep reading from you, whenever it is that you need to tell someone.