- This topic has 54 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 9 months, 2 weeks ago by Anonymous.
January 30, 2023 at 9:02 am #414739AnonymousGuest
You are welcome and I hope to read from you soon.
“Why do I ‘go back to sleep’ every time I re-realise this over and over instead of working on a strategy and speed up the process“-
– you asked this question in your 1st paragraph and answered it in your 2nd paragraph: “It amazes me how very often we choose to be uncomfortably comfortable“-
The process you mentioned in the first quote is the process of CHANGE, and change itself is more uncomfortable than the situation you want to change. We naturally avoid what is more uncomfortable and settle in repeat what is less uncomfortable.
“I often invest in things… and forget the most important ones. I wonder where I’ve learned that“- we all tend to invest in what brings us to a desired feeling fast. We are short-sighted this way: we’ll take a good feeling if we can get is fast, no matter it lasting only for a little while.
anitaFebruary 1, 2023 at 2:08 am #414820
Good morning ! What a strange month January was.. I feel February has a different energy to it and good, important things are happening now. We started looking for rooms in shared flats and it feels hopeful and good. For a long time I felt like It will be an uncomfortable move. It’s funny how I was uncomfortable to move from an uncomfortable place… It’s almost like a self-torture I’ve been inflicting on myself by staying here.
I just realised, how much this topic has changed from its original title. The plot got indeed thicker 🙂
You know I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother ? It has to have something to do with my parents / childhood / that apartment where we lived. I don’t want to focus too much on getting an answer to this, I guess better to focus on what I want to do next but I do very often ask myself where some things come from. I believe this is for me at least, the way to dissolve these kind of things. Once I put light on them they start losing their power. It’s strange, because I feel like she triggers something in me. She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact. It’s ridiculous.. we have food together the 3 of us every day, and I don’t even look at her mother. We don’t really communicate because she only speaks very little English. Why didn’t I learn some Polish? Well, it’s very a very difficult language and it sounds like a construction site. Maybe the real reason is that I don’t care that much about communicating with her mother. I guess I can live with that. However not with her.
So I avoid her almost at all costs, I avoid eye contact, I keep conversations to a bare minimum both because she doesn’t speak English and because I don’t feel like I want to talk to her. The thing is, at first it wasn’t so bad.. we did make eye contact every now and then and I always felt tension coming from her ( or myself ? / both ). So I would look at her and I would instantly feel tension. She immediately looked away, and so did I. She seemed and still seems nervous around me.
Then this question arises. Could it be that the language barrier is creating this uncomfortable situation where, trying to avoid spending time together without talking at all I decided to avoid being around her at all costs? I think there is more…
The worst is the way I react to this situation. In time I started being irritated by the sound of her in general, walking, talking etc. so very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like: oh, she’s here again.. I would even insult her in all kinds of ways. It’s like I’m angry with her but.. I mean.. there is no reason to be angry with her. But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood. I’ve said those kind of things in my mind and I acted in a similar manner. I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other.
I just don’t really know what to say. I paused for a while without words. I knew this is probably related to my mother and my childhood but often I didn’t think about it in more detail, I often avoided it. Now that I wrote it down and said it, I feel like I hit the nail in the head. So I’m basically experiencing a past experience that had a traumatic effect on me and caused me a lot of discomfort and anger. It made me feel trapped, constantly monitored, constantly seen but not really seen for real. I hated it and I’ve had no choice but to bottle up, get angry in my head, call her ( or them ) names, get angry at them. I suppressed my authenticity, my voice, myself in order to keep the relationship, the shelter. I’ve had no choice as a child and for months now, It felt like I’ve had no choice as an adult.
I’ll be honest, there is part of me which is still looking for an excuse. ( but I don’t make that much money and It would be difficult living somewhere else ). But again, I’m in the exact same situation. Before, my parents gave me shelter and later on, even though I lived in a different city as a student my parent’s paid for my accommodation and expenses. Later on, when I moved to Spain they again did the same thing. Gradually I managed to earn some money but It wasn’t enough for me to cover everything so they’ve been paying my rent. Now I earn better money and since June I’ve been fully independent from them. They haven’t send me any money. Here, I’ve contributed to the expenses of the flat but they haven’t been that substantial. So, even though I feel very proud my of myself for finally managing to be fully independent from my parents, I still see a similar situation here. I didn’t leave this place that causes me discomfort in order not to lose shelter ?
It is true that it would be more expensive to live somewhere else than living in this flat, sure. But.. Could it be that my past-programming / conditioning didn’t let me leave and kept me here? I’ve said it at the beginning of this post.. self torture I’ve been inflicting on myself. My girlfriend kept asking me afte I recently told her that its very difficult for me to live here because I don’t like being around her mum and I don’t have my space/privacy etc. She kept asking me: Why did you stay for so long? Why would you live with someone who irritates you?
I do believe things happen for a reason. I know it sounds like a bumper sticker but there I believe is a lot of truth in it. Very often I’ve been amazed of the things that showed on my path when the time was right and I know that this particular situation is indeed extraordinary. I don’t know exactly right now, what did this really show me so far? What is this teaching me? All I know for now that this has the potential to put me on the right track, on my way to healing one more painful childhood experience.
Thank you!February 1, 2023 at 9:39 am #414829AnonymousGuest
Good Tues morning to me (soon to be 9 am), good Tues afternoon to you (soon to be 6 pm). What a delight it is to read your recent post, I am so impressed with your awareness, amazing!
First, congratulations for being financially independent from your parents since June last year!
Second, your intelligence and awareness amazes me: “It’s funny how I was uncomfortable to move from an uncomfortable place… I do very often ask myself where some things come from… Once I put light on them they start losing their power“- exactly! What we are used to is more comfortable- although uncomfortable- than what we are not used to. It is because as humans, we are creatures of habit. Putting light on.. bad habits, is the beginning of dissolving them.
“She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away… I would look at her and I would instantly feel tension… In time I started being irritated by the sound of her in general, walking, talking etc…But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood…I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other”.
“I knew this is probably related to my mother and my childhood… I’m basically experiencing a past experience that had a traumatic effect on me and caused me a lot of discomfort and anger. It made me feel trapped, constantly monitored, constantly seen but not really seen for real. I hated it and I’ve had no choice but to bottle up, get angry in my head, call her ( or them ) names, get angry at them. I suppressed my authenticity, my voice, myself in order to keep the relationship, the shelter. I’ve had no choice as a child and for months now, It felt like I’ve had no choice as an adult” (the boldface feature in this quote was chosen by you)-
– let me take a break from your experience and share about my similar experience: it so happens that what you described above in boldface has been my experience growing up with my mother, same thing (100%). And I remember how I hated myself for feeling this way about a supposedly good woman: my mother. At the time I thought she was good (she said so, other people said so). * Interestingly, when you mentioned the accordion like doors in the flat where you are at: growing up, I remember the accordion door in the very small flat where I grew up.
Anyway, my anger at my mother was so intense, so VERY intense. To say that she saw me but didn’t really see me is an understatement. I was the LONELIEST child in the world, yet she (my mother) was always there (too much; it felt like always, like a hellish kind of eternity), and I certainly felt trapped, used to fantasize about getting away from her, it felt like it would be the most wonderful thing in the world, to no longer be around her.
She was there a lot, talking a lot but …(I am typing now as the thoughts occur to me, not editing): I was 100% not in the communication with her. She was talking about me sometimes but.. not really about me. I was nowhere there to be found. It was like being stuck in a vacuum or sorts, like squeezed with no space to be. It stresses me to have this image I just wrote. No Space to Be. No Place for Me.
I will now go back to what you wrote: “Before, my parents gave me shelter and later on… paid for my accommodation and expenses… My girlfriend kept asking me.. Why did you stay for so long? Why would you live with someone who irritates you?… I don’t know exactly right now, what did this really show me so far? What is this teaching me? All I know for now that this has the potential to put me on the right track, on my way to healing one more painful childhood experience.“-
– after reading what I quoted right above, and related to my experience which I shared about before this quote, the title of the movie “Waiting to Exhale” came to my mind: holding my breath growing up, because there is No Space, No Place for me.. no air for me… so if I exhaled, there will be no new air to take in. So I lived.. waiting for such time in the future when there will be new air for me.. Freedom to Be.
Your girlfriend asked you why would you stay in a situation that angers you so much.. creatures of habit we are, aren’t we: the new air is over there.. but we are not in the habit of breathing new air; we are in the habit of holding our breath. What do you think/ feel?
anitaFebruary 1, 2023 at 10:38 am #414835AnonymousGuest
Before you move to a significantly more expensive living arrangement where there too, you may be- figuratively, and maybe literally, holding in your breath/ waiting to exhale, try to relax and exhale where you are at right now, one moment at a time. It may work for your benefit.
anitaFebruary 1, 2023 at 11:30 am #414842
That’s a 9 hour difference ! Very often I felt attracted to that part of the world. And especially these last months I’ve been thinking about it a lot. That film you mentioned also looks like something I’d like to watch. I’m a lot into 90’s American films.. Maybe a little too much. Which brings us to my main addiction! :)) Nah, not really, but I do watch many films. Not sure about the addiction. My mother always watched / still watches many films. My mum basically lives through films, somehow compensates for not living much in ”real” life. I find myself doing that too sometimes.
Thank you for sharing with me. I feel you. I really do. I feel both compassionate and sorry that you’ve been through that. I can imagine you haven’t always seen things so clearly for what they really are so it must’ve been real hard. The way you described your experience sounds so familiar to me. However you’ve made it through and you now see everything from such great angle. I know maybe you would prefer to grow and learn things in different ways.. I know I do, but I think our gifts and wounds reside in the same aria.
I am only starting to put more light on what has been going on in my childhood and there are so many new things coming up. What a crazy start of the month. I called my mum today to ask her about the exact time of my birth, to find out she actually had a minor stroke yesterday. Later on after talking to her I went outside to do a workout when I received an e-mail from the company I collaborate with. They are slowly giving me less work / money and I guess my financial situation might get worse. Many things are changing now. I’m changing, the way I see things, my work, the way I see my relationship.
But in all this mess, I do feel like I’m exactly where I should be. I’m slowly knowing myself, creating my own space, my own life.
Thank you!February 1, 2023 at 11:39 am #414844AnonymousGuest
I read part of your recent post and will be reading thoroughly and replying later, possibly not before Wed morning (your Wed afternoon).
You are welcome, and thank you for sharing your experience and by doing that, helping me understand my own life experience better!
anitaFebruary 2, 2023 at 10:26 am #414886AnonymousGuest
“That’s a 9 hour difference ! Very often I felt attracted to that part of the world. And especially these last months, I’ve been thinking about it a lot“- I was attracted to this part of the world too, that’s why I traveled here. But guess what: I brought my childhood emotional experience with me to America, and… got to re-live it for too long, in a different country, different continent.
“That film you mentioned also looks like something I’d like to watch“- I didn’t watch it, by the way. I mentioned the title because I like the title.
“My mum basically lives through films, somehow compensates for not living much in ‘real’ life. I find myself doing that too sometimes“- my mother too lived through films. Actually, she named me and my sister after movie stars at the time!
“Thank you for sharing with me. I feel you“- you are welcome and thank you for your empathy!
“The way you described your experience sounds so familiar to me.. I think our gifts and wounds reside in the same area“- I feel empathy for you, for having wounds, and excitement about your gifts!
“I called my mum today… to find out she actually had a minor stroke yesterday. Later on.. I received an e-mail from the company I collaborate with. They are slowly giving me less work / money and I guess my financial situation might get worse“- I am sorry that your mother had a minor stroke, and that your financial situation might get worse.
But I am glad to read your positive attitude: “Many things are changing now. I’m changing, the way I see things, my work, the way I see my relationship. But in all this mess, I do feel like I’m exactly where I should be. I’m slowly knowing myself, creating my own space, my own life.“- this is an inspiration for me to read, thank you for inspiring me!
Talking about changing, the serenity prayer comes to mind: “god, grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”- I think that this is a good guide for living wisely.
anitaFebruary 7, 2023 at 12:12 pm #415132
What an intense couple of days.. I feel like my life is almost changing without me. Feels like I’m struggling to keep up with things changing in my life. This is of course both exciting and overwhelming. I’m pretty tired these days but I feel a strong urge to change, to grow, to move on and get ”unstuck”. The last 3 years have been like this, very fast, very dense and transformational. Every new and full moon, but especially full moon – I feel it to the point I’m almost unable to function that day. I feel so agitated or low, introspect to the point that I abandon whatever I have to do and surrender.
I hope you’re doing alright and unlike me, you are more relaxed these days. How r u doing ? I see for whatever reason you ”disappeared” and instead of your nickname I see ” anonymous ”. Hope to hear from you soon !February 7, 2023 at 12:45 pm #415134
I just want to say thank you! You’ve made such a difference in my growth these last couple of years! Thank you so much ! I hope you’re taking good care of yourself. I wish we could stay in contact
timeisnow2292 @ gmail . com
🙂February 16, 2023 at 8:53 am #415465AnonymousInactive
Dear Rob1992: I wanted to let you know that using an old account I submitted posts yesterday in the two threads with my name in the titles (identical posts in both threads so that members who may miss one of the threads can read what I wrote in the other). I explained what happened there. I very much appreciate your support on this thread and on the other, thank you!