- This topic has 54 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 7 months, 2 weeks ago by Anonymous.
December 3, 2019 at 7:21 am #325747KainParticipant
well Robi1992, I read the this post just before I write this post.
first, every word you write on your first post(according with the post that I see there is another thread written by you which i don’t see). I thought “Is this guy me on the other side of the world ?”. because I can relate with what you write..
beside you are more younger than me. I am 32 and never get experience with girlfriend and in my country sex before marriage is taboo, but some people do it anyway and I am one of the product before marriage. Thankfully my parent end up together until death separate one of them apart.
So you see ? what i want to tell you there is always someone who is better and at the same time worse than you. I am also struggle to find a job, have my business close twice and now this is my third business, i really hope this business going well. Having business doesn’t mean I am a rich guy, it is just small business.
I don’t have any good advice i can give you because I think we are in the same condition and so many other people out there. but I do find some trick and apply to my self to help me going day by day.
I carving for compliment and acceptance from other people a lot and I find some self-compassionate method when i read in one of the article of tinybuddha is very good method for me. I admit I’m not fully healed from the wound, but it help me a lot to make me accept my incapability when we are Kid, Teen, Adult and present me. I make peace with my past self and give love that “We” should receive. It makes me accept my fault and flaws. I always angry at my past self and hate them so much but now the anger has transform to become small self-love which everyday i nurtured so it won’t gone.
and I find some quote(the translate, maybe some Korean people can give the true meaning) from Lyric by BLSG the street performer from Korea that I hope somebody will tell me when they see me now, and sorry for the bad english.
“You are living great, you are living great, you are living great in this intense world”February 3, 2022 at 10:58 am #392265AnonymousGuest
Your last post was just before the pandemic became a global reality. I have no doubt that it hurt your social and work aspirations. I imagine that you moved back to live with your parents It’s been a while, but just in case you are reading this, I would like to read how you’ve been experiencing life in the last two years.
anitaOctober 2, 2022 at 7:00 am #407855
I’m so happy and surprised to see your post! It’s good to hear from you! I’ve been sometimes wondering how have you been and how these last years changed your life. I regret not reaching out. Every now and then I would think of this forum and this thread. I even checked it every now and then, but not this year. At times I would picture this moment when I write a continuation of this long story I’ve written here, where I tell you I’ve ” made ” it, or I finally got it / I found it /solved it – or something like that.
Well, a lot has happened. And yes, I’ve made it. I’ve made it big time actually. I’m still on the road, still working on myself but this time both my mind and body stronger.
Before the pandemic started I was working already for a few months in this language school as a teacher, in Spain. At some point I was quite busy but It has been a struggle to motivate myself to go to work every day and not feel like an impostor in front of my students. Suddenly we all stopped working and we went into a full lockdown. It felt strange, but it also felt like this is the moment of a big change. Not sure if I felt it on a personal or collective level. ( both I think ) It also felt good because suddenly I had no responsibilities, it was out of my hands. I felt confort. Now I can just do nothing and not feel guilty for it. And that’s exactly what I did. My flatmates left and I’ve been there, in a big flat for a couple of months by myself.
At first of course I felt like I was going crazy. I wasn’t going out anymore, I wasn’t getting drunk, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone with anything, I wasn’t really escaping anymore. I was just there by myself, learning to enjoy my own company. Right before the pandemic I’ve already started working out, I was slightly overweight and I wanted to look and feel better. So now since I’ve got an empty flat, time and a nice terrace on the rooftop, I took full advantage. I quickly adjusted and I’ve never felt better in my entire life. I would wake up in the morning, make myself a nice healthy breakfast, go up on the rooftop and train, get some sun, read, later on eat, maybe watch a film. I felt great, I felt like I’m finally moving. My life was finally changing.
Months passed, I kept training, reading and getting to know myself better without filters. I found my confidence slowly, I noticed I have a voice that has something to say and can be trusted. I’ve learned to trust myself, to trust what I feel. I slowly learned to listen to my gut feeling. I’ve learned to be compassionate to myself. I came much closer to myself. After the lockdown Spain had a very slow and progressive lifting of restrictions so I’ve come back to my ”old ” life in a very progressive manner. It was perfect. In many ways I was slowly merging the old lifestyle with the new me. Might sound naive but I really felt new. I looked different, and I felt different. I was the world through a different lens, and every time I would feel insecure or low, I would have much better judgement and I would calmly and compassionately bring myself back to who I now knew I was. I felt and knew that I was finally on the right track, I was growing, learning, I had appetite for things and for the first time I didn’t feel less than everyone else. I felt good being myself and I’ve learn to say no when I mean no and vice-versa. I’ve learned to have my own opinion and stick to what I feel that’s right rather than what people might wanna hear me saying.
Time passed and I kept getting better at things, I started training on the beach, getting much better social life. Of course the ladies liked me more all ripped and confident. I started also going out with girls more, but not much worked out. Funny enough it always seemed like we were in bad sync… they often had to lave Spain right after I’ve met them. In April 2021 Ive got an online job, part time but It came in perfect sync with everything. The school job wasn’t paying enough anymore and my parents have been supporting me for some time now. Since then Ive been working online and Ive got pretty good working conditions because I can choose when I work, and how much. ( double edged sword, I know.. but I guess there was no better way ). That job also filled this professional aspect, and I was finally earning more decent money and because It was part time I was able to keep working on myself. Train, go out, read, listen to music etc. I was very happy !
So 2 summers passed and during the summer of 2021, after a quick and challenging growth process, there I was. Still in Spain, training under the sun every day, partying quite a lot but more mindful. I kept meeting interesting people and I started to be more selective with my friends and choose people who add good things to my life. It was then when I became more interested in astrology and the univers itself. Of course I knew something about these topics and always felt somehow connected to them but maybe wasn’t ready. I started seeing the teachings every experience has to offer and I begun to truly believe and feel there is guidance. I felt like I found ”the thing” that works for me. With every new/full moon I would feel it deeply in my body and mind and I would take the time to introspect, on my rooftop, under the stars. I would talk to myself, I would introspect on the way things are going in my life. I would ask myself how I feel and what my hearth wants.
I would be there for myself.
Towards the end of the summer season I kept feeling more and more that something big is changing again. I felt like the ground I’m standing on is running away from me. I felt like I’m changing fast, and I often felt overwhelmed by all the big changes that were happening in my life. I did very often say out loud, I’m ready. Whatever is coming my way, I am ready. In September 2021 I met this girl. ( you knew that was coming didn’t you? :)) )
Ok, this has been a big change. Very big. Here I was, happy, strong, confident and in best shape ever. I was very actively going out with girls but nothing seemed to work out for various reasons..we would maybe sleep together a couple of times but then they would have to leave the country. Happened a few times. So one day in September I meet this girl. I don’t know how to go about this, it’s a very intense story and I’m not sure I know how to put it in the right sentences. Let’s just say the way we met was magical in many ways. Things happened, I was there, she was there. I saw her and the world stopped. I knew it wasn’t a coincidence, it felt very real and to me it all made sense. She was there on vacation and had to leave a couple of days after.
Fuck me. really? again?
But that didn’t matter. We both felt it and knew right away that we are very lucky. She came back to visit me of course after we spent those days together. Got rid of her fiancee and came back to see me. Up until this summer we’ve been seeing each-other every month for a bit. She’s beautiful and she’s such a good person. She likes the same things as I do, we are very similar, we have the same favourite movies, music, etc. Sounds like I’ve met the right lady. Finally! That’s what I always wanted! What more could I possibly ask for? I’m on the right path, I live under the sun every day, I feel confident, I’m dating a beautiful woman who I share so many things with and I have a six-pack. :))
Well. You know. No level-up comes for free.
There is always some work to be done first. I was right when I felt there was some big change coming my way, both before the pandemic and the summer before I met her.
My life in Spain started to feel different, like it wasn’t serving me anymore. I would still love the sun and working out on the beach and I would still love a glass of wine with a nice tapa in the middle of the day. I was changing. I kept feeling like I needed to change something. The way I lived for the past 2 years, partying and enjoying every moment suddenly felt like it cannot be done anymore. There was also the distance. She wanted to move to Spain but needed time for that. It has been her dream to live there, and now she had one more reason to do it. I didn’t want to wait and I kept feeling that I wanted to live Spain and go live with her in Poland. ( for a while at least until we go back to Spain together ) I’ve been telling myself that I want us to be together and make it easier for both of us. Since I work online, my location isn’t a problem. I’m not sure if that’s the main reason. I really felt it, in my gut, that I have to go. That I need something new, that I need to take my first step. And I did it. I left Spain, the place I loved so much, the place where I’ve, in many ways found myself. I left the place where I built this last segment of my path, the one that feels closest to who I am really. I left the place where I was considered to be cool, girls looked at me training on the beach and I was always invited to the best parties in town.
I left the place that recently has became my comfort zone.
You probably noticed how many times I repeated the ” I “. I this, I that during this long post. Well.. here is something I got to work on. You see, these last weeks I started seeing all this for what it is. Why did I leave Spain to live in Poland? Yes the lady’s nice. But I could’ve waited there for her. I left because I couldn’t be the person I used to be there. I was feeding my ego and I’ve been doing it all my life. Getting a lot of attention from both females and people in general fed my ego big time, the parties etc. Made me live a superficial life. I did enjoy it, It was amazing. But I feel this is my next step. I’m learning how to be myself, still.
So, now I live in Poland. I work online, I’m still half lazy but I have ways better control of my life. I’m currently struggling with all these changes that recently happened. There are many questions arising:
Why did I live Spain really? What did I run away from? What pain was I trying to numb while seeking attention?
It has been a little difficult for me lately. It all felt right for me to leave Spain, and once I’ve done it, it started to feel overwhelming to be here, to do all this. You know why? Because there are less ways to escape here. Here I have no parties to go to and and I’m being faced with another layer of myself. Deep down I knew this is what I was doing, but now that Im here, feeling at times frustrated and confused I have to say. It’s damn hard. I again left the confort.
I find it sometimes very difficult to connect to my girlfriend, at times I feel things are getting boring. But I love her immensely. I have some traumas I need to work on and I feel how some wounds I have can make even the most beautiful person in the world look like the source of my frustration. Luckily she is very inteligent and supportive. Today we talked about these things for a bit and after some thinking I believe I’m struggling with some sort of ADD. One of the most influential writers I’ve come across is Gabor Mate, who speaks a lot about it. I wasn’t sure this is where my attention should go but now, it does feel like it. So that’s what I’ll do. I have done a lot of thinking in the last 2 years, I’ve replayed many things from my childhood. As you said a few years ago… it’s all there. I’ve learned a lot about it. I see what triggers me, how and why. Sometimes I manage to smile at it and just see it for what it is. Sometimes.. it gets the worst out of me. Well, like any skill it will take some time. Surely I am not a beginner anymore 🙂
So this is me now, writing from Poland. I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed. It has been a long year this one, a lot has happened. I’ve seen my parents a few times this year, had a few disputes, I see where all comes from. Its a long process but what else am I supposed to do? I might as well enjoy it 🙂
Thank you Anita! I don’t think that moment I’ve played in my head has come. In some ways it did and I could say that I’ve made it ! But then again, there will always be something next around the corner and I guess I wouldn’t change that.
Thank you for reading all this and I’m sorry for not being able to be bief.
Thank you for everything you’ve shown me in the past, all that had later made me understand so much.
And thank you for thinking of me! That means a lot! Sending much love your way and I hope to hear from you soon!
RobiOctober 2, 2022 at 7:26 am #407856AnonymousGuest
I am THRILLED to read your post, exactly 2 years and 10 months since you posted last. I read most of your post and I thought I’d let you know how thrilled I am before I read the rest and reply at length in the next post!
anitaOctober 2, 2022 at 11:35 am #407872AnonymousGuest
Again, I am happy and surprised to see your post and to read from you! And then, to read that you “made it big time actually” and that your “mind and body (are) stronger” made me feel even better! I read the details of your life in the last 2 years and 10 months and it seems like you are one of the many people who benefited from the pandemic lockdown: it freed your mind from how you should live life and made it possible for you to live your life the way you felt like, no should-s, and no guilt about it.
C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S for all your successes and achievements in the last few years!
“I left (Spain) because I couldn’t be the person I used to be there. I was feeding my ego and I’ve been doing it all my life. Getting a lot of attention from both females and people in general fed my ego big time, the parties etc. Made me live a superficial life. I did enjoy it, It was amazing“- I think that the attention felt amazing because positive, personal attention and honest, comfortable connection with others is what you craved for but didn’t experience growing up.
“So, now I live in Poland. I work online, I’m still half lazy… There are many questions arising: Why did I leave Spain really?“- back in June 2018, you shared that you wanted back then to “Go somewhere new and just start a new life” and I guess Poland has been that somewhere new, most recently.
What did I run away from? What pain was I trying to numb while seeking attention?“- the pain of your childhood experience: the lack of attention, the lack of honest and comfortable emotional connection with your parents and with others… the endless emptiness.
“It has been a little difficult for me lately. It all felt right for me to leave Spain, and once I’ve done it, it started to feel overwhelming to be here, to do all this. You know why? Because there are less ways to escape here. Here I have no parties to… feeling at times frustrated and confused I have to say. It’s damn hard… I find it sometimes very difficult to connect to my girlfriend, at times I feel things are getting boring“- It’s the childhood experience again. Like I wrote to you years ago: as adults we keep re-living our childhood emotional experience: wherever we are, there it is. The good feelings of escaping (a country) and distracting (parties) don’t last long. Even a new relationship doesn’t replace the childhood experience.
“I believe I’m struggling with some sort of ADD…I have done a lot of thinking in the last 2 years, I’ve replayed many things from my childhood. As you said a few years ago… it’s all there. I’ve learned a lot about it. I see what triggers me, how and why… Surely I am not a beginner anymore.. So this is me now, writing from Poland. I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed… And thank you for thinking of me! That means a lot! Sending much love your way and I hope to hear from you soon!“-
– You are very welcome and thank you for the love you sent my way: back to you! I think that quality psychotherapy in Poland will be a very significant part of your new chapter.
anitaOctober 8, 2022 at 10:27 am #408108AnonymousGuest
How are you, Robi1992?
anitaOctober 16, 2022 at 10:01 am #408576AnonymousGuest
Dear Robi1992: it’s been 2 weeks since you posted last (after 2 years and 10 months of silence). I hope that I .. don’t have to wait another 2 years and 10 months before reading from you again..? I wonder how you are currently doing in Poland, about your relationship… I wonder if you are planning to leave Poland and go back to Spain… or elsewhere?
You experienced a great time, an emotional high of sorts in Spain, during the lockdown. It was only a matter of time, of course, before you were to come down from that emotional high (there is a saying: what goes up must come down). I just hope that you are not in another very low place now. Are you?
anitaDecember 24, 2022 at 12:33 pm #412587AnonymousGuest
Merry Christmas, Robi1992!
anitaJanuary 28, 2023 at 2:31 pm #414635
Anita ! I hope you started the year well and good things are happening over there! I’ve been thinking of writing here so many times but I don’t know why I didn’t. Tonight I decided to check this thread and I’ve just read your posts. I feel grateful to see your posts but ashamed because I didn’t check at all. Thank you so much for your concern!
I’m still in Poland, and I’ve been thinking about moving or not moving for some time now. Overall I’m alright, but I’ve been struggling a lot with a few things. I’ve become very unsure about my relationship and my feelings and I often feel like I’m with the wrong person. Could it be that we are not right for each other ? Or maybe I’m not ready for it / not capable of a healthy relationship and I’m looking for all kinds of scenarios why she isn’t right? Often missing my past couple of years where I was single and having a good time in Spain. A lot has been going on and I often feel like I’m about to explode.
I can’t write much right now, but I really wanted to write to you now. Tomorrow I’ll be writing more. Talking to you is one of the most beneficial things that ever happened to me but still I wasn’t able to convince myself to write more to you. Funny how these things are sometimes.
I hope you too are doing alright! I never asked you anything about yourself but wish I knew more about you.January 28, 2023 at 6:49 pm #414695AnonymousGuest
Dear Robbi1992: good to read back from you, it really is. Please don’t worry about not writing earlier: whenever you write is good enough for me. I am looking forward to reading more from you tomorrow, and I will reply further.
anitaJanuary 29, 2023 at 8:53 am #414707AnonymousGuest
You started your this thread in early Dec 2018, when you were about to turn 26. In your original post back then, you shared: “The thing is, I am shy. It really depends on the situation, sometimes I can be quite confident and extroverted… sometimes even tending to dominate the conversations.. and it makes me feel good and strong”.
You started an earlier thread in early June of 2018 (age 25). In it you shared that you have a bachelor and a master degree in the field of photography, but you were not doing anything with these degrees. When you discovered photography back in high-school, you weren’t necessarily interested in the subject, but having taken photos of girls in school, you became popular with girls and being popular with girls was something that you were very interested in. You wrote about that time in high-school: “I was still a shy and insecure guy but this time I was able to put on a different kind of ‘mask’“.
In regard to your relationship with your parents, you wrote: “It felt like I was never been able to be myself around them and I didn’t really develop… I still feel uncomfortable around them and I still don’t feel connection to them… I never felt very close to my parents.. Most of the times it felt like I hate them.. About one thing I am sure. They never gave me privacy or the feeling of freedom“.
As a child, you grew up in a room with a glass door: “It had a door basically made of glass.. U couldn’t see clearly through it.. But it didn’t give me a feeling of privacy. They (parents) used to also come in whenever they needed something from there… They kept stuff they used daily there. I never had my own space. I never had a room full of posters on the walls and personal things around. I also hated them for that.. I used to minimize whatever was happening on my computer every time they we’re entering the room. I don’t know why.. Maybe I was trying to keep something for myself…There was also the lake house. In summers we lived there… Again I was trapped there waiting for people to come and give me some attention. I guess.. I was very lonely. Well.. Not. My parents where there every second of my childhood“.
Looking back today on what you shared above, back in June 2018, the words the boy behind the glass door come to my mind, a boy living in a storage room with a glass door. You minimized the computer screen so that they don’t see what you had on the computer screen. You also minimized you because there was no safe, private space for you to be and to become (to develop, using your word). You were literally seen, but figuratively, you were not seen at all: if you were figuratively seen, your parents would not have gone into the storage room at any time; they would knock first and wait for your permission to enter, and they would have covered the glass door with some dark material.
Fast forward 4.5 years, to January 28, 2023, you are now 30, living in Poland to where you moved so to be with your girlfriend: “I’ve been thinking about moving or not moving for some time now… I’ve become very unsure about my relationship and my feelings and I often feel like I’m with the wrong person. Could it be that we are not right for each other ? Or maybe I’m not ready for it / not capable of a healthy relationship… Often missing my past couple of years where I was single and having a good time in Spain. A lot has been going on and I often feel like I’m about to explode”-
-I imagine that every person is the wrong person for a boy living behind a glass door. Better say, a boy who feels like he is living behind a glass door: no privacy, no space of his own. Like I expressed to you before, when we have difficult childhoods, as adults, we keep re-living the same emotional experience of childhood. We live in different adult contexts (Spain, Poland, elsewhere; having a job or not) but we feel the same. Just like you felt trapped as a child, you feel trapped as an adult, currently, trapped in a relationship.
“I hope you too are doing alright! I never asked you anything about yourself but wish I knew more about you“- I am still in the process of healing from growing up trapped with my mother. I left her and the country (at age 24), crossed oceans and continents.. felt intense, exciting freedom for a while.. but then, the trapped-feeling returned and I had to leave once again, and go elsewhere. I was mostly depressed with breaks of euphoria, from time to time. Fast forward to now, I feel more relaxed being and becoming (developing) myself.
Like you, I was literally seen growing up, but not figuratively; like you, I wore a mask, like you, I was very shy but at times, I behaved extrovertedly.. but now, I am becoming more and more just one person, no mask, and I always feel much better that how I often felt before (very depressed, hopeless, helpless). I am much stronger now: I don’t have to run away anymore.
anitaJanuary 29, 2023 at 9:58 am #414708
Where do I begin ? There’s so much going on and depending on how I feel sometimes it feels like a total mess and other times it’s all good and comfy. It’s been 6 months since I left Spain and came here to both start a new chapter and live with this woman. It felt right for me to step out of that life and try something new so I came to Poland. Everyone questioned my decision to live Spain but I didn’t let myself be affected by that.. I wanted to go because I felt this is the right thing to do. Everything was pointing me towards it, so I’d like to believe I followed my gut feeling. I guess I’ve always had a very strong connection to my gut, which I very often suppressed. There’s nothing like that feeling when you feel something is right or wrong but you don’t act on it and then find out your gut feeling was right. Well, I’ve learned that only in the last years so I lately pay more attention to what I feel and I try to guide myself based on that.
The thing is that sometimes it’s very hard to know which ”voice” I’m hearing. Is this my gut speaking or my mind ? Am I really following my instinct/intuition or I’m guided by my fears and insecurities ? I know.. this is subjective and there are many ways to see it.
So lately I’ve been really questioning my relationship. Being here in Poland of course is less engaging, less vivid and surely more quiet than living in Spain but that doesn’t seem to be my main concern. There are 2 things that seem to keep me busy thinking over and over. 1) Do I want to be with this woman ? 2) Should we go somewhere else ?
1) I often feel like I got bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be.. I don’t feel like I want to be myself around her the way I wanted before. I don’t think of her when she’s not around and very often If I’m away for a few days/weeks I don’t really feel like I miss her… I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance.
All these shouldn’t bother me that much if I didn’t think they might come from my fears. There is nothing wrong with feeling like someone is not right for you.. Sometimes I guess things just don’t click and that’s fine. But the ”what if” question is the one that makes it tricky for me. What if she really is good for me, and we are good for each other and the reason why I’m not able to enjoy if fully is my f*cked up programming ?
Also, I seem to drift away often thinking before things were better.. I often remember the way I felt when I was going out and talked to girls and had complete ”freedom”. I often feel like that way actually worked better for me. Also here, the question is the one that makes everything difficult. What part of me was I feeding when I was going out with these girls? I enjoyed a lot impressing them and acting cool around them. I enjoyed a lot this initial stage when they don’t really know me.. I do see the stereotype we often see in the movies when emotionally damaged people often engage in such superficial, short relationships. I have to say I did enjoy those kind of relationships but always felt like I wanted something serious. I wanted a woman in my life, who will be by my side and share great moments together. I wanted something authentic, something real.
And.. I guess I have it. I think I did recognised it right away but something gradually ”took over”. I often feel like there are 2 parts of me which are quite different and I don’t seem to be able to merge them or make them work together.
2) Should we stay or should we go.
The thing is… our living conditions here are not ideal. Because none of us earns that much we decided to live with her mother, in her apartment. Prices here got through the roof since we have a war going on not far from here. It’s very nice of her mother to let me live here in her flat but I don’t feel right here at all. First of all, for whatever reason which is still unknown to me, I can’t stand her. I just don’t want to be around her at all, and I avoid that as much as I can. I don’t know… she doesn’t speak english and we cannot comunicate. We sometimes exchange a few words but that’s it. I really don’t like sharing any space with her so very often get frustrated about this. I know most probably it’s something in me that I’m facing but still, I cannot get any clarity around it. At first it was just a little itchy but now I feel tense when she’s around. I also almost never look towards her, I feel like there is something energetically wrong between us.
Besides all these complex dynamics: me and girlfriend / me and girlfriend and mother / girlfriend and mother / etc. here is also another thing I find challenging. Do you remember when during my childhood I’ve had no privacy, and I basically lived in a room which wasn’t at all suitable for me, the one with the glass door ?
Well, you’re not gonna believe this.
None of the rooms except the livingroom and bathroom have doors. They have some sort of accordion type door which folds and unfolds. It basically does nothing so very often no one bothers closing them anyways. Now you can imagine how someone like me who lacked his privacy during his childhood would feel in such apartment. I really feel like I’m lacking my own space, and I’m being challenged on a very deep level. I know! I know! It does sound like these issues are reaching out to be healed/fixed .. but I’m not sure amongst all the things going on I have the space to deal with that. It really feels like a lot to process. I stayed because I thought I can deal with it somehow, or I might even be able to overcome this discomfort. There is always a teaching in everything, especially in such coincidences.
Now, after almost burning out all my mental energy and almost going nuts, I told my girlfriend that I hate her mum and I’m going crazy. Well, I didn’t exactly say that.. but I told her I don’t feel good around her mum and I miss my privacy. These weeks we’ve discussed many things, going through all kinds of roller-coasters. She’s been very understanding and suggested we should look for a room somewhere else. I think that’s a good idea, maybe it would be good for both of us and I do believe that living here also effected our relationship. I think we could benefit from a better setup, a more suitable space where we can grow together as a couple. Her mum’s alright you know.. but I don’t think this kind of dynamics are suitable for this stage of relationship we are having. We are still getting to know each other… and we should be having better intimacy.
Dammit.. what a mess right ?! But the mess has changed and that I like. It means I’m learning something, and moving on. Nothing worse than being stuck in the same places. 🙂
Anita, thank you for reading this ! Of course I’ve haven’t been very brief.. Once I start..
I’m looking forward to hear your thoughts about this and I wish you a lovely evening, or day !January 29, 2023 at 10:11 am #414709
Oh, I’ve only read your previous post now ! Thank you, for both your post and telling me about you! I really apreciate that 🙂January 29, 2023 at 10:34 am #414711AnonymousGuest
You are very welcome!
“The thing is that sometimes it’s very hard to know which ‘voice’ I’m hearing. Is this my gut speaking or my mind ? Am I really following my instinct/intuition or I’m guided by my fears and insecurities ?“- your fears and insecurities reside in your gut and they are speaking to you. Knowing what to do next- what’s the best choice- resides in your mind and in your gut, but you have to put the fear and insecurities aside for a while, so to get to the answer.
“There are 2 things that seem to keep me busy thinking over and over. 1) Do I want to be with this woman ? 2) Should we go somewhere else?… She’s been very understanding and suggested we should look for a room somewhere else“- my gut feeling is that you should live elsewhere (out of her mother’s flat, at least) with your girlfriend, but also, that you should go through some more healing from your difficult childhood (while living with her, or during a break from living with her).
“1) I often feel like I got bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be.. I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance“- this is the re-living of your childhood emotional experience: feeling bored, disconnected and sometimes angry.
“What if she really is good for me, and we are good for each other and the reason why I’m not able to enjoy if fully is my f*cked up programming?“- I don’t think that you can feel that any woman (no matter who she is) is right for you, not after an initial infatuation/ not for long.
“I often remember the way I felt when I was going out and talked to girls and had complete ‘freedom’“- imagine freedom (without the quotation marks you used, real freedom, that is) within a long-term relationship with a woman…?
“I enjoyed a lot impressing them and acting cool around them. I enjoyed a lot this initial stage when they don’t really know me“- this is wearing the mask you talked about back in June 2018. Real freedom is about having an intimate relationship without wearing a mask, having “something authentic, something real“, using your words of less than 2 hours ago.
“Do you remember when during my childhood I’ve had no privacy, and I basically lived in a room which wasn’t at all suitable for me, the one with the glass door ? Well, you’re not gonna believe this. None of the rooms except the living room and bathroom have doors…“- amazing indeed. Clearly, you should move out. Try to be nice to her mother, knowing you will be moving out soon. Like you said, it’s been very nice for her to let you live there with her daughter.
anitaJanuary 29, 2023 at 2:07 pm #414716
Everything you said resonates deeply. Dammit! By now I understand all these things come from my childhood and I know I keep reliving my childhood experiences. I think I knew it for a long time before I understood it. Why do I ”go back to sleep” every time I re-realise this over and over instead of working on a strategy and speed up the process …
It amazes me how very often we choose to be uncomfortably comfortable. I gotta do a little more. I was thinking of visiting Paris for a few days but maybe I could invest in some coaching instead. F*ck Paris. I often invest in things… and forget the most important ones. I wonder where I’ve learned that. 🙂
Thank you Anita, I’ll write soon !