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Robi1992

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  • #433118
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    These days I’ve felt so foggy I didn’t manage to sit down and write anything… A few days ago I talked to my parents and I told them I don’t feel that good here and I’m considering going back to Warsaw. As expected they were not supportive at all and they kept telling me over and over that I should stay here because there are more and better opportunities for me here – reminding me how I used to complain about living in Warsaw ( with my girlfriends mother, the flat, the weather, etc. ). The days that followed I kept thinking and rethinking.. not really being able to fully decide anything. Since I bought that ticket 2 weeks ago I keep feeling like this… Before I bought it I felt like I wanted to go to Warsaw.

    My girlfriend will be here in 2 days.. and after a week of being here together we are supposed to go to Warsaw together. I told the school and the landlord I’m leaving already. But still, I don’t feel like I fully decided. Maybe I’ve been thinking about this for too long… I’ve been really stressed about these things and I feel like I need a break from this subject.. I feel like I need to focus on something else.

    Also… if I go to Warsaw, for a while I would have to live with her mother… and that doesn’t feel great.. also knowing she’s not very comfortable I’ll be back there – she felt quite offended by my behaviour ( not liking it there and knowing she was the reason ). I don’t really have another option at the moment. Whenever I manage to have an income there we’ll try to find a better solution.

    What a mess all this is… 🙁 I’m so damn tired these days…

    I hope you are doing fine and having a good day 🙂

    Robi

    #433008
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for the time you spent on my childhood puzzle. I read your reply today and I’ve been thinking about it for some time now. Like always, I think you’re on to something. I agree there is some attachment issue I need to look into and you are not the first person to point me there. I see 🙂

    I’m now in the middle of my English class so I’ll get back to you tomorrow 🙂

    Just wanted to say Thank You!

    Robi

    #432837
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I didn’t know that you spent 2-3 months straight with them every year. You say it felt uncomfortable, but it didn’t feel terrible? Those 2-3 months per year didn’t hurt your quest of “growing up- becoming adult” (title of your thread)? 

    Well, it didn’t feel terrible.. I was working from home, very often in the garden and in my free time I was doing my workouts and spend a lot of time in the nature. I was be mostly on my own when I was there.  They live in a much bigger house now, where I finally have my own room and a separate entrance –  so in that respect I do get a lot more privacy. The worst part was the fact that we don’t really talk much when I’m there.. There isn’t that much to talk about.. so they watch a lot of tv and just go on with their day. I do my things.

    Or perhaps the 2-3 months per year felt worse than uncomfortable, but you let the worse slide off from your awareness (just as you let the t slide off from the adult, in the title of your thread, lol)?

    I mean… I don’t hate them. I might’ve hated them as a child but right now I don’t. Although they hurt me a lot while I was a child I right now understand that they themselves haven’t had healthy childhood experiences.. they also have been traumatised by their parents –  especially my mother. I don’t think they treated me right.. absolutely not.. but I see them. I know they didn’t want to hurt me and they acted upon their own fears and inability to do any better. They weren’t able to be nurturing parents for me because they haven’t been exposed to that themselves. Of course things would’ve been different if they did treat me differently. What if they themselves would’ve been treated better as children? They didn’t have access to the information I have now and they also didn’t have the opportunity or the courage to dig deeper / travel / spend time alone and introspect etc. Communist Romania wasn’t what you’d call the land of opportunity. They rushed out of their difficult childhoods into studies still under the communist regime where they were basically taught by frustrated teachers who took it out on them sometimes not only verbally.  Right after that they landed  jobs. ( in Communist Romania everyone had to work or they’d be imprisoned ). What’s left then? Getting married and having kids – like 99% of people there. And that’s what they did. They still work there now – nothing has changed.

    They didn’t deal with any of the shit their parents had done to them. They must’ve blocked it all and got bottled up. They took it out on me – and had no idea where all that came from – and neither did I ( at least not until recently ).

    Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not trying to defend them.. there is no point. But knowing these things and seeing them the way I do I find it hard to bock them completely. I still believe healing is possible, even if not completely. I do believe there are ways for us to heal and accept each other more. They have no one else but me. Their parents died years ago, there are no more uncles, aunts, cousins who are in close contact with them. They also don’t have any friends. They only have each other… and me. I see they are suffering on a daily basis..  my mother is stuck on her phone almost non stop scrolling social media – she’s heavily addicted. She cannot listen to more than 10 seconds of any of my stories without getting distracted and tuning out. At the end of my conversation there will usually be no reaction from her.. she just has no idea what I’ve said to her. There are also many physical conditions which are very severe.. which she doesn’t seem to want to improve. Her body shows her all the pain she hasn’t worked on. My father is a lot healthier physically and mentally- he also had a much ”lighter” version of the let’s call it communist childhood. Similarly he likes to scroll his phone too.. quite a lot. There is no day without alcohol ( not getting drunk but just lubricating his reality a little ), he like buying useless shit in hope to make himself feel better. He doesn’t. Both of them feel miserable most of the time. I clearly see that and I feel sorry for them.. I really do. They often say they love me very much and I’m the most important to them. ( I know.. I don’t much competition do I :)) ? ) Maybe that is true.. or maybe not. Maybe they are not capable of loving me in an authentic way really. But you know what.. I don’t want to completely cut them off – I still think we can be a family.. as much as we can and know so far.

    However, I think cutting them off financially speaking is an absolute must. Although it has been very difficult to break free from it I think this disconnection is needed in order to heal further and have a better relationship. 

    Indeed, that means growing, adulting. Yes – an adult will be financially independent from his parents. Also I believe trying to understand and showing genuine interest in where they came from and what their experiences have been –  this as well is a sign of adulting ( at least in my book ). Having reached a point where I see things with more clarity and not only forgive but also be willing to compassionately understand instead of punishing. Shouldn’t this as well be a sign of adulting? I feel it it might be.

    What words of disappointment and discouragement have they said to you during the 2-3 months you’ve spent with them in the last 4 years? How did you feel hearing them?

    Well.. they would say all sorts of things to me. Some more supple some less. Very often they would criticise my old job and try to steer me towards a different career, even offered to pay for my studies ( if I decided a change of career ). They wanted me to make more money and ”have something more stable ”. Also trying to persuade me and my girlfriend into having kids or getting married. We never took these remarks seriously and didn’t give much energy to them. I guess sometimes u have to see things for that they are.

    I think they would feel disappointed if I left Spain. While I lived in Poland they encouraged me to move back to Spain because I speak the language and It’ll be a lot easier to find work there ( here ). They would often point out that the fact I don’t speak polish makes things very difficult when finding a job. – which I agree. Also they don’t seem to realise that people work in English these days quite a lot.

    Now.. about me going to Warsaw and from there to Romania. I don’t know. Ideally I would stay there. Since I haven’t managed to build a good financial foundation since I came here.. my savings will run out rather sooner than later. If I stayed there for long looking for work I would run out. That’s why going to Romania makes more sense financially, since I would spend a lot less money there –  but then again also traveling there will add some costs. It wouldn’t be my parents paying for my travels though. What I’d like to avoid is being in Warsaw with no source of income or savings – in case I don’t find work right away. This is still something I have to think of.

    These days I keep questioning if leaving Alicante is actually the right thing to do or not.. I’m so tired, stressed and foggy lately and I don’t seem to know how to choose anymore.

    I see you are pointing to me that my parents still have a big influence in my functioning . That’s true,  I haven’t ”adulted” as much as I’d like and it doesn’t feel great. I think I’m doing the best I can, the best I’ve learned so far. I might be doing it the wrong way.. maybe healing the past means cutting off everything. I haven’t come to that conclusion yet though. The more I learn – the more I see how little I understand. That’s ridiculous.

    Thank you Anita,

    Have a good day / night ahead!

    Robi

     

     

     

     

    #432805
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’ve been thinking about what you said.. Of course, it did cross my mind many times before.. and also recently. Very often I told myself I don’t want to go back there ( Romania ) because I feel afraid of falling back on the old programming / on the old patterns etc. In the last 4 years, I’ve spent about 2 to 3 months a year living there. It didn’t really feel like I was disappearing again but I often felt uncomfortable around my parents and very often I realised we don’t really have that much to talk about. We don’t actually talk that much when I’m there because it appears that there isn’t much to talk about. Also, we didn’t really talk that much before, since they were too curious about everything and as a result I was too secretive. So that hasn’t really changed that much.

    Also, in the last years I was working online so I’ve had my own source of income – although they didn’t really let me pay for many things and always insisted on paying for everything –  treating me like a guest. ( something I should be used to as I grew up in their storage room ).  Now I’m thinking it would be different if I was there unemployed, knowing I have to depend of their support for every step I want to take. But then again after the work with the school here ends – my situation wouldn’t be any different.. except for the fact I am abroad and not there in their presence. I would still be supported by them financially unless something else comes up in the next 10 days or so.

    I have to decide what to do now… Since I bought the ticket I feel quite stressed – getting more and more headaches now. If I stay here I won’t be spending time with my girlfriend –  and I understand that her company is the kind of company I want around me. I feel lonely without her, and I miss the time we used to spend together. I have a couple of friends here too which I meet and talk to sometimes, and I’m lucky enough to have a few globally which I can connect to via phone. But I’d like to spend time with my partner.. and right now she won’t be able to come here. So maybe it just makes total sense for me to go there again and try. Maybe this time I manage to find more work and establish myself there. I just don’t quite know what to do if that doesn’t work right away. It might! But what if it doesn’t? In order for me to be there ( without work ) I would have to be supported by my family. I was thinking it would make more sense for me to go there for the period of searching for a job rather than depending on them financially while abroad. I would save money by being there and in many ways it makes more sense.. No?

    These days have been sooo stressful. I’m so tired of those f*cking courses too… In many ways it feels like I took the first way out the moment things started to fall apart. ( losing the bar job and finding out the courses will end quite soon ) But it did feel like the right thing to do. Did I act upon my fear of the challenge of having to find more work / facing the difficulties of losing my jobs ? Or maybe I just saw the opportunity to take action and go back and be close to my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to clarify this these last days.. for some reason I’d like to know why I do the things I do. It’s part of both my healthy introspection and my not so healthy overthinking.

    My parents keep calling me these days encouraging me to find more work here. I told them I’ve lost the bar job and the school is also running out. I didn’t tell them that I have a ticket to Warsaw yet. I know I’d have to face a big wave of their disappointment. I’ll do it these days… It doesn’t really change anything if they know or not but right now I just didn’t feel like it. Having their words of disappointment and discouragement is quite literally the last thing I need right now.

    Ideally I’d go to Warsaw and find work right away.. that would probably be the best way things could play out.

    You know.. it bothers me a lot that there’s a risk of me falling back on my old patterns If I go to Romania. It really sucks.. because I do know that my brain developed a very difficult reality because of the way my parents treated me but I was hoping things could be in some way healed. It really sucks knowing that my parents are in a way, a threat to me. But then again.. that has been very often the case in the past.

    Or maybe until I build a more solid foundation and stronger boundaries I’d have to steer away from them?

    Thank you Anita! Reading all those things I’ve said in the past put together by you hasn’t been a light read.. but it shows so much.

    Robi

     

     

     

     

    #432713
    Robi1992
    Participant

    I got lost for a while reading my old posts on this forum. So many things happened! So many things changed. Many haven’t changed.. but If I think about it there aren’t many things that haven’t been upgraded in some way. I remember when I wrote the first post.. the very, very long post. I was in Cluj, in a room I was renting there – my girlfriend at the time was away visiting her family in Germany and I took advantage of a few days on my own to try to shed some light into my blurry and anxious life. I was suffering soo deeply back then – and I had no tools to work with myself. My relationship wasn’t great.. although I was trying to convince myself it was. Also I was hurting so much and I just didn’t know why – I was looking for answers but didn’t have clarity.

    Fast forward what.. 5..6 years? I’m in a room I’m renting in Spain – girlfriend back in Poland. Laying in bed listening to some very relaxing and grounding stuff. ( Pave the way ( 1hr ) – Organic Downtempo Nature Improvisation w/ Mose & Natan Rabin ). Well – I am certainly more grounded now. I’ve certainly found my way to connect, relax and focus. Doing sports,  meditating, breath work and yoga have been the fuel for my cleansing process. I sometimes look at my morning ritual I can’t believe Its really me doing all these things. Back in 2018 that would’ve been impossible. But let’s set aside the yogi stuff.

    Isn’t it a little similar?

    As I said. Many things have changed but some still haven’t really. I am still unsure of many things and ( now ) I’m partially relying on my family for financial support. ( back then I had no income of my own ). This time, my relationship couldn’t be more different than the previous one. I do sometimes have doubts about my ability to have a healthy relationship.. sometimes I feel like I’m struggling but I found that communication works miracles. This time I have the awareness to at least spot when I get triggered.. to feel when I’m acting from my ego ( mask ) / wounded child.  I also recently realised that I was able to work for 3 years online, making a decent income – indeed in a very comfy manner which worked for me really well and made everything easier. Now, recently I was working 2 jobs ( both of them quite uncomfortable in many ways ) – I managed to handle both of them well without feeling too anxious. I did feel anxious at first – but quickly I started feeling a lot more confident. ( until the headaches started… and then I just feel like sh*t  – but what can I do? nobody likes a headache ).

    S0.. although most things have changed, again I see myself reliving the same situation – relying on my parents financial support and not fully standing on my own feet. I see something is still holding me back. Not long after I’ve had my second job and I had the prospect of being fully independent again I seem to fall back on my armchair. Might not even be my armchair. I’m a very fit and active guy and I surely don’t like sitting. When I was doing the online job I was often working on a standing desk.

    This is something I’d like to solve. I am very grateful for being in a position where I can ask for financial help If I need it – I am very much aware many don’t. But I am also aware that this ”connection” keeps me stuck and doesn’t allow me to grow further.

    Now.. part of me thinks I should stay here in Alicante and do whatever it takes to have a job – any job to be able to maintain my financial independence. And in many ways that might as well be the right thing to do. But it doesn’t feel right either. The more work I have the less I have time to visit my girlfriend. So then.. our relationship would suffer a lot. Ideally I should do this same thing ( working on my financial independence ) wherever she is.

    I seem to miss Warsaw a lot, you know that already – but I also have doubts.. I would have to live with my girlfriend and her mother ( again ) . ( until I have a decent income and afford renting something ). Also, If I don’t find work right away, I’m thinking of going to Romania for a while until I find something in Warsaw and then move. What you said really resonated with me.

    Going “home”.. better get more clarity about your purpose there: what would it be? Better not be motivated by nostalgia alone (selective memory, remembering the good; forgetting the bad). Looking at the title of your thread: better you don’t procrastinate- or press the Pause feature on-  becoming an adult, by going back “home”.

    Well – nostalgia there is of course. There are many things I love there. There are beautiful hills and forests I know like the back of my hand. I like walking around such places, running, connecting to the nature. This is very important for me. Also, there are nice twisty roads I also happen to know really well. Not sure you know, but I’m a lot into cars – fast ones especially. Driving a car to its absolute limit has been my ”drug” for years – that has been my escape. Also the nice food, we live in the countryside so we get fresh eggs from our neighbours, cheese etc. My dad makes home made wine and my mother cooks delicious foods. These things I miss, yes.

    I don’t miss being controlled and observed by my parents all the time though. But does it have to be like that? I suppose I’ve learned a couple of things lately. I believe my defence systems also evolved in the last years – I think I can set my boundaries better now. I’d like to be able to go back to what I believe is partly my house, to the country I grew up in, without being afraid of becoming a trapped kid again. I don’t want to be avoiding going there – that place should be a place where I can feel at home and I don’t want to run away from it. I’ve done that already so many times – always with tears in my eyes. Maybe I don’t want to do that anymore. I might not want to live there but I also don’t want to run away from it. I am here to heal my wounds and find my voice.  I’m not going to settle for anything that keeps me away from doing the inner work I need to do. This is what REALLY matters so it should be a priority. I know so many people who I see and feel – they are struggling, suffering, having very difficult pasts which they don’t deal with at all. They work 12 hours a day instead.. very often jobs they don’t enjoy – and when they don’t, they drink / smoke / scroll their Tiktock – Tiktok – how tfck do you write that anyways?!

    There has to be a way to do this. There has to be a way to find my financial independence, become a more responsible adult and be OKAY with my past. I don’t want to keep running away from the place that wounded me. The place hasn’t done a thing to me anyways.

    I’m finding that way. I’m just a bit confused.. as one should be. Times are confusing and everything is moving so fast. I hope all I wrote makes some sense..

    What do you think Anita?

    I am very surprised and happy to know you are as well Romanian! I am also only half Romanian, my father is from Hungarian descent. Such small world indeed. Sending you all the best!!! 🙂

    Robi

     

     

     

     

    #432686
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m soo tired! I’ve just put my computer on my lap starting to write and I realise all I wanna do is take a nap. I’ve planned to go to the beach and do my workout. Might take a break today.. maybe I could actually rest. Also its soo hot already.. the only reasonable time to train is either early morning or evening. Sadly, I work most evenings and sleep most mornings:))

    There are some news however! On Saturday the manager of that beach bar told me we won’t cooperate anymore. He needs someone available to work 40 hours and since I also work in the school, I can only work part time at the bar. For a couple of weeks I’ve had it – I was making a decent income and I was fully independent from my family financially ( at least on my way to be ). Then he told me the news I felt okay.. I was a little sad because I wanted to keep working and get closer to my financial goal.. but I accepted it as if things have to go this way right now. It did feel like the right thing though. So then I thought.. okay.. I still have the 10 hours a week I do for the school.. it isn’t much but its enough for me to pay for food and expenses. ( rent is still provided by my family ).

    Yesterday I asked the school when do the courses and.. and to my surprise I realised they will end quite soon and I will be left without the school job as well, next month. All this time I was thinking of Warsaw.. missing being there, planning and picturing me working there, having a remote job, working in café’s etc. Also, these days I finally said it to my friends and girlfriend – I voiced my doubts about living here in Alicante. It was hard to admit that maybe this isn’t a good place for me right now and I don’t feel good here. Finally admitting it felt good and I felt much lighter.

    Also on Monday my body seemed to have reacted to all the stress I’ve been lately so for the first time, I couldn’t go do my classes.. my body felt like it’s been hit by a train – horrible headache and very dense mental fog. I couldn’t do it.. I was fed up with doing those classes. So I canceled the day. I rested. Later on the headache was still there, I was still in a pretty bad state when a friend called me and told him about wanting to leave Alicante, and how I really felt here.. Next thing you know, I felt like I just woke up in the morning full of energy – although it was close to the end of the day and I’ve had a tough time. I’m thinking maybe my body is showing me this job isn’t for me.

    Now.. finding out yesterday that I’ll be left without classes soon, I decided to buy myself a cheap ticket to Warsaw – for the beginning of June. I decided not to wait and get a very good price by buying one early. It’s funny because my girlfriend will be here for 8 days and she’ll be going back to Warsaw  the same day I will – but we’ll have different flights :))

    These days I kept applying to all sorts of jobs there, every day. Let’s see.. maybe I get lucky and get an interview lined up  for June. If not.. I’m thinking of staying there for a bit,  a week or two with her and her mum and if I don’t yet have any work maybe go to Transylvania and spend some time ” home ”. Well that’s where I’m from and where my parents live.. but not sure it feels like home. Sometimes it does. I don’t know.. there’s something in me that wants to go there for a bit –  couple of weeks will be okay. Maybe It’ll be good.. maybe there are still things that need to be addressed. Maybe not. We’ll see. Still.. feels better than living here, paying rent out of my parent’s pocket and not really liking it.

    Up until buying the ticket, I was looking forward to leave.. to go both to Poland and Romania.. but after buying it.. I started feeling some resistance. Is this a good thing? Maybe I could’ve thought about it more. It’s always like that! I still want to do it, but I observe again how I function. I feel like I’m moving on. Again. It’s good!

    Thank you for creating this space – being able to be heard means so much to me!

    I hope you are having a good day and I’d like you to know that whenever you’d like to share anything, I would be very happy to respond with my best insights. Now, I won’t be working out.  I’ll take a nap instead. I’ll have to do those 3 hours later on 🙁

    Robi

     

     

     

     

     

    #432500
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    this is what crossed my mind before reading this part: that your attachment to your girlfriend is and has been a positive, healing attachment, hence the increased self-esteem and dissolving of the mask. 

    Of course! you are right – I’ve never really put it in these words but yes, feels right the way you described it!

    I am visualizing the Alicante postcard and I see.. there in that corner, a young man wearing a polo shirt and a mask. Is that you, Robi, underneath that mask?

     A young, pissed off ( because he’s got e headache ) man wearing a polo shirt…Well.. sounds about right except for the mask. I think the mask has has become more transparent. The headache however is still here. I can’t believe it – I again, after teaching 3 hours today have a headache. It seems like my body is showing me that this job is not good for me. I have to do some thinking.. maybe it really isn’t for me.

    Also, what you’ve said about me disconnecting in order to reduce my separation anxiety – yes.. indeed It crossed my mind. I felt it more than I thought about it. I didn’t quite know how to articulate it – but I definitely felt like I’m shielding myself from something. Thank you! You put light on it 🙂

    These days I’ve been doing so much thinking… should I stay… should I go… I miss the times I’ve had there – I miss the job I’ve had then… so much confusion. I’m somehow glad I’ll go to the bar tomorrow – I won’t have any space to think at all :))

    Thank you for your answer,

    Take good care!

    Robi

     

    #432470
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Now.. I woke up this morning with these thoughts. Pretty interesting thoughts I’ve had for some time now.

    There are 2 things I’d like to write:

    1) The mask I created a long time ago 

    As a kid while feeling misunderstood, lonely, suppressed and in many ways caged by my parents I created a mask. A persona If you’d like. I did everything I could to fool others I’m not shy, afraid and anxious. I was operating from a place of  very low self esteem. I had very low self worth and I was very insecure. I was bottled up and suppressed. I’ve had good reasons too. I haven’t been only suppressed by my parents but also hit by my mother and I’ve been told pretty nasty things. Things that as a kid I labeled as a threat to my safety – to my attachment to my parents. Basically survival – If I don’t act accordingly they will abandon me. There I am suppressing my authentic feelings in order to keep the attachment to my parents.

    From very early age I put on a mask – I wanted to impress others, I wanted them to believe I was confident, smart, interesting, charismatic, rich, strong, good looking etc. I grew up operating form this level of programming and the moment some doors opened ( Erasmus Programme ) – I flew away. I wanted to explore, to leave it all behind. I was suffering deeply although I’ve had no idea about it. I was too unaware to be able to see and feel it. I was also too busy engaging in the coping mechanisms I’ve developed throughout the years in order to ”snooze” all the pain. Some of the old coping mechanisms ( sitting in front of the computer playing games, watching all kinds of stuff ) have been replaced by smoking weed, going out partying, getting drunk and socialising. Not saying it wasn’t fun – I have fantastic memories. But I was operating still from the level of my mask. I was again, too scared to be myself fully – I would get drunk in order to feel more comfortable around people. I felt more charismatic when I was drunk and I was often the centre of attention – which I liked a lot. I still do sometimes.

    But I don’t drink anymore.. and I don’t want to spend my time that way. I don’t want to hang out with drinking buddies with whom I have nothing in common except an addiction. An addiction we all share and never talk about – the moment one isn’t drinking or not drunk enough, judgement arrises. Judgement from my so called friends – the people I spend my time with.

    The mask started dissolving quite a while ago and speeded up the moment I met my girlfriend and moved to Poland in 2021. There I gradually found a different version of myself – a more accepting self. I finally understood I’m okay the way I am and I don’t need to impress anyone. Of course at times there were battles between ” the old and the new ”,  battles I still have now. I know I’ve changed a lot – I feel like I woke up, I found my wounds, uncovered them, addressed them as much as I was able, confronted my family about the traumas I still carry with me today. It has been hard as f*ck and often I regret not having the awareness earlier in life.. and I had to wait until my 30’s to really work on myself. But all this has been a process – maybe this is the way. My way – as Frank used to say.

    Okay, I know… I’m again writing an unnecessarily long post. Going through it all again, helps me see it better.

    NOW. I feel like Alicante has been feeding the mask. Now I feel like it doesn’t quite feed who I am today. Parts of me want to stay here because it’s cool, it’s nice, warm, many people want to live here. Often I look for reasons to stay here. Often I tell myself: ” yes, but many people want to live here.. it’s such a nice place and the quality of life etc. ”. But often I feel something in my gut which tells me there is something wrong. I don’t quite like it anymore.. its too crowded, too loud and there’s something about the spanish lifestyle that I don’t like anymore. I think it was a good place to continue operating from the level of my programming – here I acted like a successful young man – impressing others with the way I looked, talked, dressed, danced etc. But that’s not who I am anymore. And I’m thinking.. well, why not be who I am now – here in Alicante, right now. I’m sure this place hosts all kinds of people, also my kind of people. I don’t know. Maybe if my girlfriend would be here too, things would feel different.. but right now I feel lonely, away from my girlfriend, away from my family, not having friends and not really enjoying my postcard.

    Now..

    there’s the other thing.

    2) Missing, Feeling but disconnecting after a while. 

    I’ve experienced this for the last 2 and a half years since I met my girlfriend. I would feel close to her when we are together, I feel connected to her when she’s part of my life on a daily basis. We were in a long distance relationship at times and right before her or me leaving I would feel very sad – I would feel sad because we won’t see each other for a while again. For a few days, I would miss her, I would feel connected to her.  A few days would pass and I would start disconnecting from her. I wouldn’t even feel like I wanted to talk to her and often my first impulse would be to ignore her messages – I would be almost annoyed by her contacting me. At times I would think of other women too.. although I’ve never tried anything and never really wanted to.

    When we meet again, it takes me a little time to ”adjust”. I would be a little distant at first, maybe for a few hours or a day.. but then slowly I would get back into my ”caring and loving mode ”. In the last 1 and a half years we weren’t apart for long so these things didn’t happen that much but now I again see it happening. Now that we only see each other every 2…3…4 weeks.

    What do you think about this? I don’t know what to make of it. First thing that comes to my mind would be maybe something connected to my mother? Maybe something connected to abandonment? There’s a feeling of disappointment at times when I know we have to be apart. So maybe there’s something from the past triggering me in this way?

    My mother used to take me to kindergarten every morning. We had this routine we would always do. She would wait in the parking lot until I get in the building, walk up to the first floor and go to the window facing the parking lot and wave to each other. This was important for me – I remember it being important. One day she was in a hurry and although she told me that she’s in a hurry and she doesn’t have the time to wait for me walk up those stairs.. it still hurt me very much not sticking to our routine. Not seeing her there. She told me not to get upset about it, but I did. I remember crying for a long time. I felt disappointed.

    This is one story I believe might be connected to the feeling of being abandoned – a feeling I think it’s been echoing for a long time and gets triggered sometimes. Also, there are other not so nice stories – like being told by my mother that If I don’t act accordingly I’ll be sent to foster care. Or waking up in a caravan on my own thinking that my parents abandoned me.

    So.. I don’t know what’s going on. Why do I disconnect like this? Am I protecting myself from getting hurt? Am I trying to protect myself from missing someone?

     

    Writing all these down made me so tired – although I wrote it all down while having a big cup of coffee. Thank you for reading my stories. I appreciate your time a lot 🙂 Thank you!

    Robi

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #432468
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Roberta, Thank you! You are right – indeed this is what happened. And indeed I find it hard to admit that Alicante might not be the right place for me right now. I’m putting more light on this these days. It doesn’t seem to make much sense for me to be here just to train on the beach – that seems to be the only thing I actually still do and enjoy doing. This isn’t Baywatch.

    My girlfriend recently said to me – ” You are reliving an old postcard ”.

    Let’s see… I’m putting light on this now. Soon I’ll be closer to my truth 🙂

     

     

     

    #432442
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita, thank you for your reply! 🙂

    I’ve read your reply 2 days ago and I kept thinking about what you said. Not sure about committing to stay here until the end of the year – to me it feels like such a long time. These days I kept missing Warsaw and I kept thinking about going back there. I feel like I miss the way I used to live ( although there were some problems then too ). Having an online job made everything easier for me then and I was able to move from here to Poland and to go from Poland to my country as often as I wanted. I really liked that and now that I’m having these 2 jobs I see how much they limit my mobility. That’s okay.. I guess I knew that. But I don’t like it at all.

    Also.. very often me being here feels wrong. I feel like Alicante had it’s purpose a while ago but now I’ve moved on.. I don’t seem to feel good here. I used to like the big crowds and head but now, not really. I do enjoy the workouts on the beach – that’s one thing I do here and enjoy but anything else, for the last 2 months didn’t feel right. I don’t know. Also I noticed lately, I get headaches every time I do my classes in the school. With no exception, every time I’m heading there ( before the classes ) I get a slight headache – which gets worse during my classes. This doesn’t happen when I work in the bar – although I’m basically in the sun for 8 hours running jumping around like Rocky Balboa.

    My girlfriend would like me to go back to Warsaw.. although she prefers not to say anything – she always encourages me to do as I feel. She’s running her own business there and lately it started getting better and better so leaving her business there and coming here doesn’t seem like the right thing to do right now. ( at least from a financial point of view )

    I thought this place would work really well for us but lately I’m not sure about it at all.. and neither is she. These last days I’ve been applying for all kinds of jobs in Warsaw ( mostly remote and things I could do from the comforts of café’s – that I really enjoyed in the past and I miss it ).  Let’s see if there will be any offers – then maybe I can weigh things and see what makes more sense. It wouldn’t make sense for me anyways to leave both my jobs here and move to Warsaw having no job. For now I’ll keep doing what I was doing but I see that a change needs to come – wether a change of my attitude towards the present circumstances or eventually a change of location / job.

    Now I’m having a cup of coffee before my classes. I’ll only do 2 hours today but It usually takes all my energy. Maybe I’ll write a little more later – but very often after 3 or even 2 hours of teaching I get so tired that I just don’t have the resources. Whenever I have those headaches I feel like my body is telling me something. Might be the case..

    Anyways, gotta go now – put my polo shirt on and look like a teacher.

    Talk to you later 🙂

    Robi

    #432312
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for writing 🙂

    I am well yes! April was just a crazy month for me… Now I’m in bed journaling a little and I’ve just seen your post. I am not in the most focused moods to write but might be good to try. Tomorrow I’m going to work for quite a few hours and the day after too. I’ve started a new second job here in Alicante – in a beach bar. I’ve liked that place for a long time and after a few weeks of thinking I asked the owner if I could work there as a waiter. It’s a nice place – on the beach, always outside, good vibes, there’s a DJ – so there’s a lot of music I like. ( I also Dj in my free time but didn’t yet manage to do any gigs ). In many ways it would be more suitable for me to be a Dj not a waiter in that bar.. but maybe this is what I need right now. Let’s see.

    One month ago I was back in Warsaw for a short holiday… back to the place where I’ve lived for almost 2 years. I felt quite good there although when I was living there I always missed Alicante and kept saying how much I’d like to be back there ( here ). I don’t know… is the grass always that much greener? It was very difficult for me to leave.. I mean.. after this last holiday at the beginning of April.. I kept crying and crying.. I felt really down. I was coming back to the place that has been on my mind for so long.. but I didn’t want to leave Warsaw. But it was the only right thing to do. There I don’t have a job and while I was living there I didn’t manage to find one. Now, I’m here in Alicante having 2 jobs but feeling lonely. The party land this place has been for years has changed. Actually it hasn’t – it became even more of a party land but it’s me who has changed. I don’t need those parties and the alcohol to cover my wounds anymore, therefore I’ve ”lost” most of my friends ( or drinking buddies ) too.

    What am I doing?

    I live in Alicante with a friend of mine in a room I don’t like and I feel lonely. I miss my girlfriend and I don’t know if she’ll be able to move here any time soon. Things don’t look very promising for her moving here any time soon. I feel a bit trapped to be honest.. trapped in a cage I myself created. I wanted to come here and do all this.. it all worked as I planned it.. because I knew what I wanted and I focused my attention to it. But I’m not really sure what am I really doing.

    And.. did I say friend? I’m not even sure about this anymore.. since we have literally nothing in common with the person I live with and the only conversations we have are made of her talking about herself but never asking how my day was, for example. I guess we used to drink and party a lot together and since the binding matter has vanished there isn’t much to talk about. Fair enough!

    Now.. I’ve recently started this new job. It’s actually pretty nice.. I think I like it more than the teaching.. my colleagues are nice and quite authentic I would say. There isn’t much bullshit flying around I feel quite good working with them and it feels good to step into a different challenge – working in a team and learn from others, although I’ve always had a problem with people telling me what to do. It’s really hard work though. I don’t yet know what to do.. Maybe I’ll stay for a while.. I need to become fully independent from my family financially. That’s the end goal and I suppose that’s also the main reason why I came here. In Warsaw I had no job and here I do. Still I have doubts. I am not sure I want to stay here. Part of me feels like I’m forcing myself to stay here – like I’m making my life harder. Honestly here I don’t seem to yet find more clarity. Very often I’d like to go back to Warsaw. Being away from my woman hurts.. She’s been here for a few days visiting me last week and she’ll be back in 4 weeks. I just find it really hard to function in this kind of relationship.. I often get frustrated and feel like I’d like her to come here faster although I know it’s not such an easy thing to do.

    I know.. not much sense I’m making. I told you I’m a bit of a fog.. Quite dense I would say. But I just don’t know what to do.

    On one hand – I’ve achieved what I wanted and things seem to head that way.. towards my financial independence, sunny days, workouts on the beach. On the other hand – I’m on my own. I got used to living with her.. or at least in the same city. Also at the beginning of this year when I confronted my mother about her hitting me during my childhood I got even more disconnected from both of them. There isn’t much communication with my parents anymore.

    I feel like I’m on my own. I often feel lonely.. and I cry for a while. I ask myself why am I here doing this? But then I ask myself.. If not here now than where? While I was living in Warsaw I wanted to move here. Maybe I thought it would be easier for her to come over here and now realising that might take a long time… it hit me.

    Don’t get me wrong. There are good things. I feel like I’m growing and doing a lot of work on the inside. I spend time thinking, walking on the beach and most of the time I don’t mind not having company. In that respect I’ve grown a lot.. I don’t need to be around people as much as I used to and I choose with much more care where I put my energy and time and who I share them with.  Sometimes I feel like this is needed – and I’m exactly where I should be. Maybe I need some time on my own to build my new foundation.

    I know I’ll soon take a decision. I might stay or go. Now I gotta get ready to rest.. tomorrow I’ll be running around for 8 hours carrying drinks to drunken foreigners. ( that used to be me not so long ago :))

    Take good care Anita,

    I hope you too are doing fine and all is good there where you are!

    Robi

     

     

     

     

    #430477
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It’s been a while. I again kept wanting to write but I was either too short on time or too overwhelmed. I guess I’m not used to be this busy anymore. I hope all is good with you and you’ve enjoyed the Easter time 🙂 Mine wasn’t as relaxing and festive as I imagined it. I guess things are hardly ever the way we expect them to be. I’ve been living in Spain and working now for one month – 4 weeks of everything. The first week I’ve worked 8 hours instead of the expected 3, the second week I’ve worked 14, the third week I’ve worked 12 due to some holiday and last week I’ve only worked until Wednesday due to the Easter break. I’ve been on holiday since Wednesday and I’m going to be free until Sunday! Damn I felt like I needed it..

    I’m now writing from a cafe in the centre of Warsaw – I came here on Friday to spend the Easter holidays with my girlfriend. What a fast month this has been.. such contrast being again back here. I feel like many things have changed and I’ve made a big step outside the circle I was used to. I feel like I’ve been pushed forward by the forces of the universe and everything related to Warsaw seems to have happened ages ago, although it has only been one month. This is great though! I stepped out of my comfort zone and again realised there isn’t much to be worried about. Actually, there’s nothing to be worried about. The only truly worrying situation was the one I was in – not taking action and not fully trusting myself. Almost sounds like a cliché – a bumper sticker I might one day stick to the bottom of my car.

    I understand why I wouldn’t trust myself. I disconnected from myself a long time ago and I guess I’ve treated myself the same way I would treat someone who hasn’t returned my calls for years – also the same way I’ve treated my parents, I didn’t trust them either. I switched myself off in favour of a more ”environmental friendly” version –  a version that would adapt to his environment – to his parents, teachers friends etc. A version that carried me through my childhood, teens and 20’s. Now in my 30’s I see this version collapsing. Finally!

    Now, there are a few issues. Growing is great! I feel empowered and I seem to deal with my work life a lot better than I did before! Having a job, a schedule and the opportunity to explain sh*t to other people is great! – because I get to learn a lot about social dynamics / working with different kinds of people from all walks of life. ( private school has mostly adults ) The thing is.. I don’t really like being an English teacher. I think I like teaching.. I like explaining sh*t to people – I just don’t like teaching English. It doesn’t really mean anything to me. After second week already the feeling of anxiety and impostor syndrome have been replaced by a feeling of selling myself too short. I feel like I’m working for peanuts. And for the most part, I guess that’s a very accurate way to describe my job. I gotta prepare the classes, know my sh*t well and manage groups of students who have different levels. All this leaves me very, very tired at the end of every class. I also have to fill in a lot of paperwork and do quite a few things in my free time. At the end of the month I’ve only managed to get half of what I would consider a decent salary. Okay.. I haven’t really worked the full month because they gradually gave more classes.. but still. It’s funny how I jumped from being so anxious to feeling undervalued. But I’m glad I did! Now, I’m not going to quit my job.. but I’m now thinking of better options. There’s something burning inside of me! There’s a part of me that keeps telling me I can do a lot better and I want to listen to my inner voice. I was so glad to have this 10 days holiday so I can zoom out and do some thinking. Today seems to be the first day I’m able to do that.. I’ve been on holiday for almost a week now.. I don’t really know what happened but after working those 4 weeks I’ve felt so tired every day and I couldn’t really connect to myself and focus on my usual introspections. My brain was filled with fog and I almost felt like I don’t have the cognitive capacity to achieve anything. By the way, I also feel like this before every full / new moon or some astrological events. I’m one of those who seems to react very deeply to what’s going on out there. But maybe let’s not dive into that.

    Maybe I just needed a few days to rest. Could be because I’m not used to having a schedule / work with people etc. Could also be because I don’t like what I do and that takes a lot of my energy. Maybe it’s the moon. Or maybe all of the above. Either way, here I am now introspecting and writing it down. I needed this so much. I needed to zoom out but also zoom in.

    Now I feel like I want to learn more about honouring my authentic self. Although I am very grateful for now having a job, for having moved on and for my newly expanded awareness, still, I feel like I need to expand more. I believe that every human being has its gifts. Some discover them at an early stage and grow in tune with their life purpose – very often not even knowing it. I am tempted to say I wish I was one of them.. but something in me doesn’t want me saying it. Some find out that their gifts lay exactly where their wounds are. I sometimes feel like this speaks to me. I haven’t yet found my own way of expression – my voice, my fingerprint / the way I show up in the world.

    Luckily,  I know a few things:

    1) Giving my energy to places and people that don’t resonate with me is no good – that just doesn’t feel right.

    2) I want to have my own way of doing things. I want to serve others in my own authentic way and I don’t want to work for anyone else’s dream. I want to find mine. I’ve recently heard someone say: ” In modern society the opposite of courage isn’t cowardness, but conformity ”. – this really resonated with me. I guess I’m that kind of guy.. who doesn’t want to join the masses – I don’t feel like having some meaningless job in the corporate world chasing a newer BMW every 2 years while going bald and visiting a chiropractor every week. You know what I mean..

    I feel like I need to keep growing and trusting my path and now, more than ever I feel like I have absolutely NO REASON not to. I want to learn how to better hear my inner voice and how to better focus on the things that matter right now. I want to work on my daily practice and discipline and I want to learn how to use my energy authentically. I want to be again in tune with my inner child and with the desire and vision I know I once had.

    It’s funny.. because I’ve been gradually doing all those things already for quite some time – and I see the change and the great results. But I keep asking myself.. What if I become good at it? 🙂

     

    Anita, I got a little carried away.. again. I hope my post isn’t too long for you to read. It surely feels good writing it down 🙂 I now have more clarity and I both zoomed in and zoomed out.

    Thank you so much for giving me this space!

    Sending you a big hug >:D<

    Robi

     

     

     

    #428603
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Damn I got a lot busier! I guess it’s a good thing, quite necessary I’d say. Last week I worked 8 hours teaching english but I felt like I was working 2 shifts 🙂 I’m experiencing a lot of impostor syndrome and insecurities which such up a lot of my energy so I often end up being emotionally tired. Also, the fact that I don’t quite know how to teach and follow books etc. doesn’t help. I keep feeling like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing. I guess I should be good at that – I’ve been doing it all my life in many ways and circumstances. I guess I would’ve done anything not to be seen as unexperienced insecure or vulnerable ( at least in the past ) but I guess in the last years I’ve learned to be more accepting of myself.

    Yesterday I’ve been teaching for 5 hours in a row… 2 hours online, and 3 in class. I almost gave up on doing the online ones – I find it a lot harder, it’s a lot harder to follow the book and the digital book I have and could share with them doesn’t quite work for me.. Teaching online makes it even more difficult but in the end I didn’t give up – I need the money and I need to be financially independent as soon as I can. So, let’s see. I’ve had days when I felt like this is too much and wanted to apply for another job, in a beach bar. I’ll try to stick to this and see where it takes me although I must admit I don’t think I like teaching English… I just want those hours to end. Last week I’ve had 8 hours and this week I think I’ll have around 14. Today I have a new group and I’ll be teaching them for 2 hours – today I have some more time to relax ( soon I’m going for a workout on the beach ).

    The one thing I’m really excited about is the arrival of my girlfriend on Thursday. She’ll be here for 10 days! I’m very happy about that.. I feel quite lonely since I came back here. I haven’t even seen many of my friends or gone out drinking with them, the way I used to do in the past when I used to live here. This time I seem to have a different mindset – this time I’m more focused on my growth and my financial stability. But I’m glad I didn’t escape anything and I sat down with my anxiety and kept my eyes on the prize. I seem to have grown a lot closer to my girlfriend, as if she’s both my best friend and partner. It all feels like home – in a really good way.

    So let’s see, how everything develops. I also want to look for more hours in other schools, but these days I’ve been quite tired. I’ve only been here for about 10 days but I feel like I’ve been here for months.. I am slowly rooting myself in a good way and I feel I’m on a good track. I often feel afraid I’ll get fired because I most probably don’t deliver good quality work, but I’ll give it a chance and see what happens. Maybe I’m giving myself too much of a hard time, maybe I’m doing better than I think. Either way.. I was thinking yesterday morning on the beach after finishing my meditation – ” So what if I fail? Better fail than not even try ”.

    I’ll just try and see 🙂

    Take good care Anita, I hope you’ve had a nice weekend and all is good with you!

    Thank you!

    Robi

    #428383
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Indeed, you are right!

    I think that your anxiety is about you feeling not grown up, at 30 (“Growing up- becoming adult” is in the title of this Feb 2024 thread), not like an adult, but like a boy, alone in a new country. Children are afraid to be all alone by themselves; they are afraid that they can’t take care of themselves, as in “to get a job, get things sorted“. They need .. a grown up to get a job and sort things for them.

    Part of you will need to be the grown up that the other part of you needs. Robi the adult has a scared, anxious child with him all the time, a child that needs care.

    I feel this description is very accurate. Thank you 🙂

    I wanted to write back here but yesterday I started the teaching job, only 3 hours on Monday and 3 hours on Wednesday for now – but still, It was a big challenge for me. Saturday and Sunday I felt quite anxious.. I would very often start crying. On Sunday I cried for a long, long time, talked to my girlfriend and went to sleep early.  It did help a lot, I think crying helped me a lot – I guess I’ve been bottling up a lot in the last months – a lot has happened. So on Monday I woke up a lot more relaxed, almost ”careless”. Although I was going to have an interview, I didn’t feel than anxious about it.. I felt quite relaxed. I felt as if something has lifted off my chest the day before. Maybe I needed to cry.. Maybe also talking to my girlfriend helped, but I feel ashamed to talk to her when I’m in a very low mood.. especially if I feel like crying. I don’t know.. maybe it’s the way we’ve been told masculinity is supposed to be like – you are not supposed to cry in front of your girlfriend, you have to be strong and stable. Well – I do it sometimes.. we both do.. we both cry when things get tough. I don’t mind her being vulnerable and I guess she doesn’t mind me being vulnerable either. We are both very sensitive human beings 🙂

    Today, after yesterdays classes I feel okay.. I am a bit anxious and I feel a little like crying still.. I feel like I’m missing something. I do miss my girlfriend and I miss being with her, all though I didn’t like being in Poland. Also, I would have to learn how to structure my classes properly – which is something I don’t know how to do at all. The head teacher seems to trust me a lot giving me responsibilities I have no idea about so I feel like I’m impersonating someone who knows what he’s doing. It’s quite hard.. I’ll have to learn on the go. But I want to try my best, maybe I can make it work. I don’t feel like teaching english is necessarily my kind of job.. but then again.. nothing seems to be. I think if I managed to plan my lessons well and follow the books, I might be able to do it, and it’s quite a flexible job so it might work for now, for my growth. I feel now, less anxious than before.. I feel like I can do it but I have to make sure I don’t procrastinate and put in the effort needed to plan my lessons. I think, If I do that, things might work quite well.  I have the habit of walking in the classroom with no plan at all ( because I procrastinate ), then panic because I have no plan at all and don’t know what to do. I end up improvising, doing all kinds of activities with no clear aim, avoiding teaching grammar and mostly making conversation. This is not only unprofessional but it’s also a major source of stress. I gotta work on this.

    Today and tomorrow I want to focus on planning my Wednesday classes – this time I hope I’ll have the structure and make everything work better. I will have to learn on the go, but I think It’s the right thing to do right now.

    As for the anxiety, I don’t know what to do. I’d like to deal with it and heal that wounded child in me. But what if I cry.. for a little bit, whenever I feel like it? Isn’t that a way of releasing some of the stress?

    Have a good day Anita, take good care! 🙂

    Robi

     

    #428327
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for you message, yes I arrived well and now getting used to living here again. It’s very nice here, sunny and bright!

    However, I am a little surprised by the levels of anxiety I’m experiencing. These days Ive been very tense and I felt like I won’t be able to ”make it” ( as in to get a job, get things sorted ). It comes and goes. These days I’ve been invited by friends to all kinds of dinner parties and gatherings but I didn’t join any.. I felt like I wanted some time for myself to focus but didn’t quite manage.

    Now I’m going to meet a friend for a walk and a chat. I’ll write a little later once I’m back home 🙂

    Talk to you soon 🙂

    Robi

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