Dear Anita,

I’ve been here for a little more than 2 weeks now. Before leaving Warsaw I committed to implement a routine for my stay in Romania so I can make sure I won’t fall into old habits. On top of my workouts and meditations, on week days I would spend 2 hours applying for jobs in Warsaw and by now, I must’ve applied for about 50 jobs. I always found it hard not to procrastinate if there’s no job or nowhere I need to be – I used to say I find it difficult to always ”invent” a day – to come up with a schedule where I feel like I’m actually doing something, something constructive. I often felt like I was wasting a lot of time ( and I’m sure in many cases,  I was ). However, my routine proved to be beneficial. I kept my eyes on the prize – to go back to Warsaw, having a job to go to. I guess I might do just that – tomorrow I have an interview for a job in Warsaw. Let’s see – I’ll do my best to get this job.

Meanwhile I was here, spending some time with my parents, having nice food doing sports and enjoying the nature.My mother was away for a week so I managed to spend some time with my dad alone too – that was pretty nice, I don’t remember if we’ve ever spent time together. We get along pretty well the 2 of us. My mother is a little harder to handle but things are okay, there are no conflicts or games being played. It used to be more difficult for me to spend time here in the past, even recently but now I feel more confident and driven – I know better where I’m heading. In many ways I feel good about my decision to come here and disconnect a little from the usual. However, I feel a little stuck here.. and I don’t mean at home, I mean the city itself. I feel there isn’t any growth happening and I tend forget about my track and interests.. and join the general boring idle of this little town. Doesn’t really work for me, this overly comfy life makes me uncomfortable. That’s okay. I enjoy being here for the nature, every now and then for a while. I’m planning to go to Warsaw in a couple of weeks, but I’d have to have some job prospects first – I have to do it right this time. I don’t want my parents paying for my rent there. I’d rather stay in my own house here, rent free until I build myself financially.

I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better. Maybe breaking the ice at the beginning of this year, telling them how they’ve wronged me removed some barriers. Of course there are still many triggers flying around me. They still seem to think I don’t know how to plug in the vacuum cleaner or put on the washing machine. But then again.. what do I care? That has nothing to do with me. I also managed to recconnect with my cousins which I almost forgot about. Turns out they didn’t 🙂

So let’s see! I applied for a lot of stuff. Some of it will surely knock on my door. My door is wide open.

I hope you are doing well too! It got soo hot here this summer… I’m struggling to get anything done during the day.

Take good care,

Robi

Dear Roberta,

Thank you! Indeed – an attitude of gratitude has been something I’ve been working on for some time. I express gratitude, part of my daily practice of meditation. With no exception after I meditate, I think of lets say a number of aspects of my life I am grateful for – I feel good, positive, balanced and connected.

I think, in reality what I am doing is not adopting an attitude of gratitude but expressing gratitude in the first part of the day for a couple of minutes. Later on I switch back into my ”original” programming and this way the rest of the day my attitude doesn’t match what I previously cultivated during my morning practice.

The gratefulness practice I’m doing in the morning must be hosted by my conscious mind and the rest of the day I probably operate from my programming ( which is unconscious ). Making the unconscious, conscious – that’s what everyone keeps talking about. Interesting 🙂

Thank you for your insight, funny enough these days I’ve been thinking a lot about how my beliefs are affecting the way I perceive the world around me and I was thinking a lot about gratitude.

Dear Anita,

What a week this has been! I’m about to board the plane, sitting with my bags and my longboard. I like airports when they’re not too packed. All those distant beeps in the background, fragments of all languages. Everyone going somewhere – some for longer some for a bit. I don’t know which one am I. I just know I’m doing what I think its the right thing to do. My girlfriend has been here for a week, we talked a lot about things and we spent some nice time here on holiday. It is a holiday resort more than anything else. I decided to go to Warsaw and try to find work. We might still come here to live together but better if we do it the right way – coming here together having some money aside and ( me ) not relying on my parents support. I’ve already applied to some jobs there and had an interview ( might have the second and final one.. still don’t know ).

Almost 2 weeks ago during a phone call with my parents, I told them I’m considering moving back to Warsaw. I told them I don’t feel good here on my own and I would rather be closer to my girlfriend. Right away they bombarded me with disapproval – they told me I shouldn’t go back there because while I was there I didn’t like it and I kept complaining about it. Also they kept repeating it should be my girlfriend who will have to sacrifice this time and not me. ( again ). They told me she is probably trying to manipulate me into going back there so she doesn’t have to leave. I didn’t like what they said and I told them I will do as I feel. It was such a draining conversation..I wasn’t able to say much.. I was just listening to a couple of sentences repeating for half an hour. I was already very tired both physically and mentally.. emotionally too. I was happy at least I’ve told them and I ”broke the ice” so to speak. I expected them to react this way, I told you. A few days later my dad wrote to me – he said he’s been thinking of me and he supports me, that everything will fall into place and I should stay positive.

Since then, I’ve only texted my dad once on Friday, telling him I’ve decided to go to Warsaw and I’ve already had an interview for a job and a couple more prospects. Also, I told him I might go to Romania for a couple weeks before I start working in Warsaw. He replied to me quickly, asking me about the job I’ve found. Quickly after my reply he said that when he said he supports me he meant that he supports me staying in Spain and not to go back to Warsaw ( a place he helped me leave from – financially of course ). I was surprised to hear such words from him.. and not a work about me possibly going to Romania for a bit – I thought they might be happy to see me after a few months of not much contact. I told him that then, he shouldn’t support me. I didn’t know what else to say to that.. really.

I see the price of all that support I’ve received.

I have no idea how things will play out… I’m heading towards Warsaw with some money in my pocket but not that much. In a way I feel kinda homeless.. if I run out of money I wouldn’t be able to contribute to the food and bills in my girlfriend’s flat.. her mother’s actually. It’s all very stressful.. I know being there won’t be easy either.. but being here crashing with an almost stranger didn’t really support our goals.. I don’t think so. Right now I don’t know what comes next. Well.. we never really do anyways.. but I’d like my map to show a little further. These days I’ve felt so tired I just wanted to take a break, to rest.. not to think of anything at all. I couldn’t really.. but I’m hoping the next days I could relax a little bit.

When I came here 3 months ago I did not expect this outcome at all. I just don’t see the lesson of this chapter. ( yet )

At this point I’m so sleepy I couldn’t focus on typing anymore.. I slept very little and all the packing and organising took the best out of me. Later on today I’ll be back in Warsaw meeting my girlfriend.. starting again.. or continuing. In the mean time I could enjoy some time on my own.. just strolling around the airport.. maybe listening to a podcast 🙂

Thank you for reading Anita, I hope you are doing fine! 🙂

Robi

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for the time you spent on my childhood puzzle. I read your reply today and I’ve been thinking about it for some time now. Like always, I think you’re on to something. I agree there is some attachment issue I need to look into and you are not the first person to point me there. I see 🙂

I’m now in the middle of my English class so I’ll get back to you tomorrow 🙂

Just wanted to say Thank You!

Robi

Dear Anita,

I’ve been thinking about what you said.. Of course, it did cross my mind many times before.. and also recently. Very often I told myself I don’t want to go back there ( Romania ) because I feel afraid of falling back on the old programming / on the old patterns etc. In the last 4 years, I’ve spent about 2 to 3 months a year living there. It didn’t really feel like I was disappearing again but I often felt uncomfortable around my parents and very often I realised we don’t really have that much to talk about. We don’t actually talk that much when I’m there because it appears that there isn’t much to talk about. Also, we didn’t really talk that much before, since they were too curious about everything and as a result I was too secretive. So that hasn’t really changed that much.

Also, in the last years I was working online so I’ve had my own source of income – although they didn’t really let me pay for many things and always insisted on paying for everything –  treating me like a guest. ( something I should be used to as I grew up in their storage room ).  Now I’m thinking it would be different if I was there unemployed, knowing I have to depend of their support for every step I want to take. But then again after the work with the school here ends – my situation wouldn’t be any different.. except for the fact I am abroad and not there in their presence. I would still be supported by them financially unless something else comes up in the next 10 days or so.

I have to decide what to do now… Since I bought the ticket I feel quite stressed – getting more and more headaches now. If I stay here I won’t be spending time with my girlfriend –  and I understand that her company is the kind of company I want around me. I feel lonely without her, and I miss the time we used to spend together. I have a couple of friends here too which I meet and talk to sometimes, and I’m lucky enough to have a few globally which I can connect to via phone. But I’d like to spend time with my partner.. and right now she won’t be able to come here. So maybe it just makes total sense for me to go there again and try. Maybe this time I manage to find more work and establish myself there. I just don’t quite know what to do if that doesn’t work right away. It might! But what if it doesn’t? In order for me to be there ( without work ) I would have to be supported by my family. I was thinking it would make more sense for me to go there for the period of searching for a job rather than depending on them financially while abroad. I would save money by being there and in many ways it makes more sense.. No?

These days have been sooo stressful. I’m so tired of those f*cking courses too… In many ways it feels like I took the first way out the moment things started to fall apart. ( losing the bar job and finding out the courses will end quite soon ) But it did feel like the right thing to do. Did I act upon my fear of the challenge of having to find more work / facing the difficulties of losing my jobs ? Or maybe I just saw the opportunity to take action and go back and be close to my girlfriend. I’ve been trying to clarify this these last days.. for some reason I’d like to know why I do the things I do. It’s part of both my healthy introspection and my not so healthy overthinking.

My parents keep calling me these days encouraging me to find more work here. I told them I’ve lost the bar job and the school is also running out. I didn’t tell them that I have a ticket to Warsaw yet. I know I’d have to face a big wave of their disappointment. I’ll do it these days… It doesn’t really change anything if they know or not but right now I just didn’t feel like it. Having their words of disappointment and discouragement is quite literally the last thing I need right now.

Ideally I’d go to Warsaw and find work right away.. that would probably be the best way things could play out.

You know.. it bothers me a lot that there’s a risk of me falling back on my old patterns If I go to Romania. It really sucks.. because I do know that my brain developed a very difficult reality because of the way my parents treated me but I was hoping things could be in some way healed. It really sucks knowing that my parents are in a way, a threat to me. But then again.. that has been very often the case in the past.

Or maybe until I build a more solid foundation and stronger boundaries I’d have to steer away from them?

Thank you Anita! Reading all those things I’ve said in the past put together by you hasn’t been a light read.. but it shows so much.

Robi

Dear Anita,

I’m soo tired! I’ve just put my computer on my lap starting to write and I realise all I wanna do is take a nap. I’ve planned to go to the beach and do my workout. Might take a break today.. maybe I could actually rest. Also its soo hot already.. the only reasonable time to train is either early morning or evening. Sadly, I work most evenings and sleep most mornings:))

There are some news however! On Saturday the manager of that beach bar told me we won’t cooperate anymore. He needs someone available to work 40 hours and since I also work in the school, I can only work part time at the bar. For a couple of weeks I’ve had it – I was making a decent income and I was fully independent from my family financially ( at least on my way to be ). Then he told me the news I felt okay.. I was a little sad because I wanted to keep working and get closer to my financial goal.. but I accepted it as if things have to go this way right now. It did feel like the right thing though. So then I thought.. okay.. I still have the 10 hours a week I do for the school.. it isn’t much but its enough for me to pay for food and expenses. ( rent is still provided by my family ).

Yesterday I asked the school when do the courses and.. and to my surprise I realised they will end quite soon and I will be left without the school job as well, next month. All this time I was thinking of Warsaw.. missing being there, planning and picturing me working there, having a remote job, working in café’s etc. Also, these days I finally said it to my friends and girlfriend – I voiced my doubts about living here in Alicante. It was hard to admit that maybe this isn’t a good place for me right now and I don’t feel good here. Finally admitting it felt good and I felt much lighter.

Also on Monday my body seemed to have reacted to all the stress I’ve been lately so for the first time, I couldn’t go do my classes.. my body felt like it’s been hit by a train – horrible headache and very dense mental fog. I couldn’t do it.. I was fed up with doing those classes. So I canceled the day. I rested. Later on the headache was still there, I was still in a pretty bad state when a friend called me and told him about wanting to leave Alicante, and how I really felt here.. Next thing you know, I felt like I just woke up in the morning full of energy – although it was close to the end of the day and I’ve had a tough time. I’m thinking maybe my body is showing me this job isn’t for me.

Now.. finding out yesterday that I’ll be left without classes soon, I decided to buy myself a cheap ticket to Warsaw – for the beginning of June. I decided not to wait and get a very good price by buying one early. It’s funny because my girlfriend will be here for 8 days and she’ll be going back to Warsaw  the same day I will – but we’ll have different flights :))

These days I kept applying to all sorts of jobs there, every day. Let’s see.. maybe I get lucky and get an interview lined up  for June. If not.. I’m thinking of staying there for a bit,  a week or two with her and her mum and if I don’t yet have any work maybe go to Transylvania and spend some time ” home ”. Well that’s where I’m from and where my parents live.. but not sure it feels like home. Sometimes it does. I don’t know.. there’s something in me that wants to go there for a bit –  couple of weeks will be okay. Maybe It’ll be good.. maybe there are still things that need to be addressed. Maybe not. We’ll see. Still.. feels better than living here, paying rent out of my parent’s pocket and not really liking it.

Up until buying the ticket, I was looking forward to leave.. to go both to Poland and Romania.. but after buying it.. I started feeling some resistance. Is this a good thing? Maybe I could’ve thought about it more. It’s always like that! I still want to do it, but I observe again how I function. I feel like I’m moving on. Again. It’s good!

Thank you for creating this space – being able to be heard means so much to me!

I hope you are having a good day and I’d like you to know that whenever you’d like to share anything, I would be very happy to respond with my best insights. Now, I won’t be working out.  I’ll take a nap instead. I’ll have to do those 3 hours later on 🙁

Robi

Now.. I woke up this morning with these thoughts. Pretty interesting thoughts I’ve had for some time now.

There are 2 things I’d like to write:

1) The mask I created a long time ago 

As a kid while feeling misunderstood, lonely, suppressed and in many ways caged by my parents I created a mask. A persona If you’d like. I did everything I could to fool others I’m not shy, afraid and anxious. I was operating from a place of  very low self esteem. I had very low self worth and I was very insecure. I was bottled up and suppressed. I’ve had good reasons too. I haven’t been only suppressed by my parents but also hit by my mother and I’ve been told pretty nasty things. Things that as a kid I labeled as a threat to my safety – to my attachment to my parents. Basically survival – If I don’t act accordingly they will abandon me. There I am suppressing my authentic feelings in order to keep the attachment to my parents.

From very early age I put on a mask – I wanted to impress others, I wanted them to believe I was confident, smart, interesting, charismatic, rich, strong, good looking etc. I grew up operating form this level of programming and the moment some doors opened ( Erasmus Programme ) – I flew away. I wanted to explore, to leave it all behind. I was suffering deeply although I’ve had no idea about it. I was too unaware to be able to see and feel it. I was also too busy engaging in the coping mechanisms I’ve developed throughout the years in order to ”snooze” all the pain. Some of the old coping mechanisms ( sitting in front of the computer playing games, watching all kinds of stuff ) have been replaced by smoking weed, going out partying, getting drunk and socialising. Not saying it wasn’t fun – I have fantastic memories. But I was operating still from the level of my mask. I was again, too scared to be myself fully – I would get drunk in order to feel more comfortable around people. I felt more charismatic when I was drunk and I was often the centre of attention – which I liked a lot. I still do sometimes.

But I don’t drink anymore.. and I don’t want to spend my time that way. I don’t want to hang out with drinking buddies with whom I have nothing in common except an addiction. An addiction we all share and never talk about – the moment one isn’t drinking or not drunk enough, judgement arrises. Judgement from my so called friends – the people I spend my time with.

The mask started dissolving quite a while ago and speeded up the moment I met my girlfriend and moved to Poland in 2021. There I gradually found a different version of myself – a more accepting self. I finally understood I’m okay the way I am and I don’t need to impress anyone. Of course at times there were battles between ” the old and the new ”,  battles I still have now. I know I’ve changed a lot – I feel like I woke up, I found my wounds, uncovered them, addressed them as much as I was able, confronted my family about the traumas I still carry with me today. It has been hard as f*ck and often I regret not having the awareness earlier in life.. and I had to wait until my 30’s to really work on myself. But all this has been a process – maybe this is the way. My way – as Frank used to say.

Okay, I know… I’m again writing an unnecessarily long post. Going through it all again, helps me see it better.

NOW. I feel like Alicante has been feeding the mask. Now I feel like it doesn’t quite feed who I am today. Parts of me want to stay here because it’s cool, it’s nice, warm, many people want to live here. Often I look for reasons to stay here. Often I tell myself: ” yes, but many people want to live here.. it’s such a nice place and the quality of life etc. ”. But often I feel something in my gut which tells me there is something wrong. I don’t quite like it anymore.. its too crowded, too loud and there’s something about the spanish lifestyle that I don’t like anymore. I think it was a good place to continue operating from the level of my programming – here I acted like a successful young man – impressing others with the way I looked, talked, dressed, danced etc. But that’s not who I am anymore. And I’m thinking.. well, why not be who I am now – here in Alicante, right now. I’m sure this place hosts all kinds of people, also my kind of people. I don’t know. Maybe if my girlfriend would be here too, things would feel different.. but right now I feel lonely, away from my girlfriend, away from my family, not having friends and not really enjoying my postcard.

Now..

there’s the other thing.

2) Missing, Feeling but disconnecting after a while. 

I’ve experienced this for the last 2 and a half years since I met my girlfriend. I would feel close to her when we are together, I feel connected to her when she’s part of my life on a daily basis. We were in a long distance relationship at times and right before her or me leaving I would feel very sad – I would feel sad because we won’t see each other for a while again. For a few days, I would miss her, I would feel connected to her.  A few days would pass and I would start disconnecting from her. I wouldn’t even feel like I wanted to talk to her and often my first impulse would be to ignore her messages – I would be almost annoyed by her contacting me. At times I would think of other women too.. although I’ve never tried anything and never really wanted to.

When we meet again, it takes me a little time to ”adjust”. I would be a little distant at first, maybe for a few hours or a day.. but then slowly I would get back into my ”caring and loving mode ”. In the last 1 and a half years we weren’t apart for long so these things didn’t happen that much but now I again see it happening. Now that we only see each other every 2…3…4 weeks.

What do you think about this? I don’t know what to make of it. First thing that comes to my mind would be maybe something connected to my mother? Maybe something connected to abandonment? There’s a feeling of disappointment at times when I know we have to be apart. So maybe there’s something from the past triggering me in this way?

My mother used to take me to kindergarten every morning. We had this routine we would always do. She would wait in the parking lot until I get in the building, walk up to the first floor and go to the window facing the parking lot and wave to each other. This was important for me – I remember it being important. One day she was in a hurry and although she told me that she’s in a hurry and she doesn’t have the time to wait for me walk up those stairs.. it still hurt me very much not sticking to our routine. Not seeing her there. She told me not to get upset about it, but I did. I remember crying for a long time. I felt disappointed.

This is one story I believe might be connected to the feeling of being abandoned – a feeling I think it’s been echoing for a long time and gets triggered sometimes. Also, there are other not so nice stories – like being told by my mother that If I don’t act accordingly I’ll be sent to foster care. Or waking up in a caravan on my own thinking that my parents abandoned me.

So.. I don’t know what’s going on. Why do I disconnect like this? Am I protecting myself from getting hurt? Am I trying to protect myself from missing someone?

Writing all these down made me so tired – although I wrote it all down while having a big cup of coffee. Thank you for reading my stories. I appreciate your time a lot 🙂 Thank you!

Robi

Dear Anita, thank you for your reply! 🙂

I’ve read your reply 2 days ago and I kept thinking about what you said. Not sure about committing to stay here until the end of the year – to me it feels like such a long time. These days I kept missing Warsaw and I kept thinking about going back there. I feel like I miss the way I used to live ( although there were some problems then too ). Having an online job made everything easier for me then and I was able to move from here to Poland and to go from Poland to my country as often as I wanted. I really liked that and now that I’m having these 2 jobs I see how much they limit my mobility. That’s okay.. I guess I knew that. But I don’t like it at all.

Also.. very often me being here feels wrong. I feel like Alicante had it’s purpose a while ago but now I’ve moved on.. I don’t seem to feel good here. I used to like the big crowds and head but now, not really. I do enjoy the workouts on the beach – that’s one thing I do here and enjoy but anything else, for the last 2 months didn’t feel right. I don’t know. Also I noticed lately, I get headaches every time I do my classes in the school. With no exception, every time I’m heading there ( before the classes ) I get a slight headache – which gets worse during my classes. This doesn’t happen when I work in the bar – although I’m basically in the sun for 8 hours running jumping around like Rocky Balboa.

My girlfriend would like me to go back to Warsaw.. although she prefers not to say anything – she always encourages me to do as I feel. She’s running her own business there and lately it started getting better and better so leaving her business there and coming here doesn’t seem like the right thing to do right now. ( at least from a financial point of view )

I thought this place would work really well for us but lately I’m not sure about it at all.. and neither is she. These last days I’ve been applying for all kinds of jobs in Warsaw ( mostly remote and things I could do from the comforts of café’s – that I really enjoyed in the past and I miss it ).  Let’s see if there will be any offers – then maybe I can weigh things and see what makes more sense. It wouldn’t make sense for me anyways to leave both my jobs here and move to Warsaw having no job. For now I’ll keep doing what I was doing but I see that a change needs to come – wether a change of my attitude towards the present circumstances or eventually a change of location / job.

Now I’m having a cup of coffee before my classes. I’ll only do 2 hours today but It usually takes all my energy. Maybe I’ll write a little more later – but very often after 3 or even 2 hours of teaching I get so tired that I just don’t have the resources. Whenever I have those headaches I feel like my body is telling me something. Might be the case..

Anyways, gotta go now – put my polo shirt on and look like a teacher.

Talk to you later 🙂

Robi