Forum Replies Created
February 7, 2023 at 12:45 pm in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #415134
I just want to say thank you! You’ve made such a difference in my growth these last couple of years! Thank you so much ! I hope you’re taking good care of yourself. I wish we could stay in contact
timeisnow2292 @ gmail . com
🙂February 7, 2023 at 12:12 pm in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #415132
What an intense couple of days.. I feel like my life is almost changing without me. Feels like I’m struggling to keep up with things changing in my life. This is of course both exciting and overwhelming. I’m pretty tired these days but I feel a strong urge to change, to grow, to move on and get ”unstuck”. The last 3 years have been like this, very fast, very dense and transformational. Every new and full moon, but especially full moon – I feel it to the point I’m almost unable to function that day. I feel so agitated or low, introspect to the point that I abandon whatever I have to do and surrender.
I hope you’re doing alright and unlike me, you are more relaxed these days. How r u doing ? I see for whatever reason you ”disappeared” and instead of your nickname I see ” anonymous ”. Hope to hear from you soon !February 1, 2023 at 11:30 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414842
That’s a 9 hour difference ! Very often I felt attracted to that part of the world. And especially these last months I’ve been thinking about it a lot. That film you mentioned also looks like something I’d like to watch. I’m a lot into 90’s American films.. Maybe a little too much. Which brings us to my main addiction! :)) Nah, not really, but I do watch many films. Not sure about the addiction. My mother always watched / still watches many films. My mum basically lives through films, somehow compensates for not living much in ”real” life. I find myself doing that too sometimes.
Thank you for sharing with me. I feel you. I really do. I feel both compassionate and sorry that you’ve been through that. I can imagine you haven’t always seen things so clearly for what they really are so it must’ve been real hard. The way you described your experience sounds so familiar to me. However you’ve made it through and you now see everything from such great angle. I know maybe you would prefer to grow and learn things in different ways.. I know I do, but I think our gifts and wounds reside in the same aria.
I am only starting to put more light on what has been going on in my childhood and there are so many new things coming up. What a crazy start of the month. I called my mum today to ask her about the exact time of my birth, to find out she actually had a minor stroke yesterday. Later on after talking to her I went outside to do a workout when I received an e-mail from the company I collaborate with. They are slowly giving me less work / money and I guess my financial situation might get worse. Many things are changing now. I’m changing, the way I see things, my work, the way I see my relationship.
But in all this mess, I do feel like I’m exactly where I should be. I’m slowly knowing myself, creating my own space, my own life.
Thank you!February 1, 2023 at 2:08 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414820
Good morning ! What a strange month January was.. I feel February has a different energy to it and good, important things are happening now. We started looking for rooms in shared flats and it feels hopeful and good. For a long time I felt like It will be an uncomfortable move. It’s funny how I was uncomfortable to move from an uncomfortable place… It’s almost like a self-torture I’ve been inflicting on myself by staying here.
I just realised, how much this topic has changed from its original title. The plot got indeed thicker 🙂
You know I’ve been asking myself why do I feel so bad around her mother ? It has to have something to do with my parents / childhood / that apartment where we lived. I don’t want to focus too much on getting an answer to this, I guess better to focus on what I want to do next but I do very often ask myself where some things come from. I believe this is for me at least, the way to dissolve these kind of things. Once I put light on them they start losing their power. It’s strange, because I feel like she triggers something in me. She triggers the f*ck out of me and I don’t quite know what it is. All I know is that I feel angry at her, like I want her to go away. I can’t even look at her, so 90% of the times I avoid any kind of eye contact. It’s ridiculous.. we have food together the 3 of us every day, and I don’t even look at her mother. We don’t really communicate because she only speaks very little English. Why didn’t I learn some Polish? Well, it’s very a very difficult language and it sounds like a construction site. Maybe the real reason is that I don’t care that much about communicating with her mother. I guess I can live with that. However not with her.
So I avoid her almost at all costs, I avoid eye contact, I keep conversations to a bare minimum both because she doesn’t speak English and because I don’t feel like I want to talk to her. The thing is, at first it wasn’t so bad.. we did make eye contact every now and then and I always felt tension coming from her ( or myself ? / both ). So I would look at her and I would instantly feel tension. She immediately looked away, and so did I. She seemed and still seems nervous around me.
Then this question arises. Could it be that the language barrier is creating this uncomfortable situation where, trying to avoid spending time together without talking at all I decided to avoid being around her at all costs? I think there is more…
The worst is the way I react to this situation. In time I started being irritated by the sound of her in general, walking, talking etc. so very often I would get angry inside, sometimes I would just say things. Bad things, like: oh, she’s here again.. I would even insult her in all kinds of ways. It’s like I’m angry with her but.. I mean.. there is no reason to be angry with her. But I’ve felt like this before, for a long time during my childhood. I’ve said those kind of things in my mind and I acted in a similar manner. I think It was my mum I was always angry with.. and even today I find it hard to spend time next to each other.
I just don’t really know what to say. I paused for a while without words. I knew this is probably related to my mother and my childhood but often I didn’t think about it in more detail, I often avoided it. Now that I wrote it down and said it, I feel like I hit the nail in the head. So I’m basically experiencing a past experience that had a traumatic effect on me and caused me a lot of discomfort and anger. It made me feel trapped, constantly monitored, constantly seen but not really seen for real. I hated it and I’ve had no choice but to bottle up, get angry in my head, call her ( or them ) names, get angry at them. I suppressed my authenticity, my voice, myself in order to keep the relationship, the shelter. I’ve had no choice as a child and for months now, It felt like I’ve had no choice as an adult.
I’ll be honest, there is part of me which is still looking for an excuse. ( but I don’t make that much money and It would be difficult living somewhere else ). But again, I’m in the exact same situation. Before, my parents gave me shelter and later on, even though I lived in a different city as a student my parent’s paid for my accommodation and expenses. Later on, when I moved to Spain they again did the same thing. Gradually I managed to earn some money but It wasn’t enough for me to cover everything so they’ve been paying my rent. Now I earn better money and since June I’ve been fully independent from them. They haven’t send me any money. Here, I’ve contributed to the expenses of the flat but they haven’t been that substantial. So, even though I feel very proud my of myself for finally managing to be fully independent from my parents, I still see a similar situation here. I didn’t leave this place that causes me discomfort in order not to lose shelter ?
It is true that it would be more expensive to live somewhere else than living in this flat, sure. But.. Could it be that my past-programming / conditioning didn’t let me leave and kept me here? I’ve said it at the beginning of this post.. self torture I’ve been inflicting on myself. My girlfriend kept asking me afte I recently told her that its very difficult for me to live here because I don’t like being around her mum and I don’t have my space/privacy etc. She kept asking me: Why did you stay for so long? Why would you live with someone who irritates you?
I do believe things happen for a reason. I know it sounds like a bumper sticker but there I believe is a lot of truth in it. Very often I’ve been amazed of the things that showed on my path when the time was right and I know that this particular situation is indeed extraordinary. I don’t know exactly right now, what did this really show me so far? What is this teaching me? All I know for now that this has the potential to put me on the right track, on my way to healing one more painful childhood experience.
Thank you!January 29, 2023 at 2:07 pm in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414716
Everything you said resonates deeply. Dammit! By now I understand all these things come from my childhood and I know I keep reliving my childhood experiences. I think I knew it for a long time before I understood it. Why do I ”go back to sleep” every time I re-realise this over and over instead of working on a strategy and speed up the process …
It amazes me how very often we choose to be uncomfortably comfortable. I gotta do a little more. I was thinking of visiting Paris for a few days but maybe I could invest in some coaching instead. F*ck Paris. I often invest in things… and forget the most important ones. I wonder where I’ve learned that. 🙂
Thank you Anita, I’ll write soon !January 29, 2023 at 10:11 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414709
Oh, I’ve only read your previous post now ! Thank you, for both your post and telling me about you! I really apreciate that 🙂January 29, 2023 at 9:58 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414708
Where do I begin ? There’s so much going on and depending on how I feel sometimes it feels like a total mess and other times it’s all good and comfy. It’s been 6 months since I left Spain and came here to both start a new chapter and live with this woman. It felt right for me to step out of that life and try something new so I came to Poland. Everyone questioned my decision to live Spain but I didn’t let myself be affected by that.. I wanted to go because I felt this is the right thing to do. Everything was pointing me towards it, so I’d like to believe I followed my gut feeling. I guess I’ve always had a very strong connection to my gut, which I very often suppressed. There’s nothing like that feeling when you feel something is right or wrong but you don’t act on it and then find out your gut feeling was right. Well, I’ve learned that only in the last years so I lately pay more attention to what I feel and I try to guide myself based on that.
The thing is that sometimes it’s very hard to know which ”voice” I’m hearing. Is this my gut speaking or my mind ? Am I really following my instinct/intuition or I’m guided by my fears and insecurities ? I know.. this is subjective and there are many ways to see it.
So lately I’ve been really questioning my relationship. Being here in Poland of course is less engaging, less vivid and surely more quiet than living in Spain but that doesn’t seem to be my main concern. There are 2 things that seem to keep me busy thinking over and over. 1) Do I want to be with this woman ? 2) Should we go somewhere else ?
1) I often feel like I got bored. We spend time together but it’s not as interesting as it used to be.. I don’t feel like I want to be myself around her the way I wanted before. I don’t think of her when she’s not around and very often If I’m away for a few days/weeks I don’t really feel like I miss her… I also don’t really feel like connecting. Quite the contrary, when she texts me I feel resistance.
All these shouldn’t bother me that much if I didn’t think they might come from my fears. There is nothing wrong with feeling like someone is not right for you.. Sometimes I guess things just don’t click and that’s fine. But the ”what if” question is the one that makes it tricky for me. What if she really is good for me, and we are good for each other and the reason why I’m not able to enjoy if fully is my f*cked up programming ?
Also, I seem to drift away often thinking before things were better.. I often remember the way I felt when I was going out and talked to girls and had complete ”freedom”. I often feel like that way actually worked better for me. Also here, the question is the one that makes everything difficult. What part of me was I feeding when I was going out with these girls? I enjoyed a lot impressing them and acting cool around them. I enjoyed a lot this initial stage when they don’t really know me.. I do see the stereotype we often see in the movies when emotionally damaged people often engage in such superficial, short relationships. I have to say I did enjoy those kind of relationships but always felt like I wanted something serious. I wanted a woman in my life, who will be by my side and share great moments together. I wanted something authentic, something real.
And.. I guess I have it. I think I did recognised it right away but something gradually ”took over”. I often feel like there are 2 parts of me which are quite different and I don’t seem to be able to merge them or make them work together.
2) Should we stay or should we go.
The thing is… our living conditions here are not ideal. Because none of us earns that much we decided to live with her mother, in her apartment. Prices here got through the roof since we have a war going on not far from here. It’s very nice of her mother to let me live here in her flat but I don’t feel right here at all. First of all, for whatever reason which is still unknown to me, I can’t stand her. I just don’t want to be around her at all, and I avoid that as much as I can. I don’t know… she doesn’t speak english and we cannot comunicate. We sometimes exchange a few words but that’s it. I really don’t like sharing any space with her so very often get frustrated about this. I know most probably it’s something in me that I’m facing but still, I cannot get any clarity around it. At first it was just a little itchy but now I feel tense when she’s around. I also almost never look towards her, I feel like there is something energetically wrong between us.
Besides all these complex dynamics: me and girlfriend / me and girlfriend and mother / girlfriend and mother / etc. here is also another thing I find challenging. Do you remember when during my childhood I’ve had no privacy, and I basically lived in a room which wasn’t at all suitable for me, the one with the glass door ?
Well, you’re not gonna believe this.
None of the rooms except the livingroom and bathroom have doors. They have some sort of accordion type door which folds and unfolds. It basically does nothing so very often no one bothers closing them anyways. Now you can imagine how someone like me who lacked his privacy during his childhood would feel in such apartment. I really feel like I’m lacking my own space, and I’m being challenged on a very deep level. I know! I know! It does sound like these issues are reaching out to be healed/fixed .. but I’m not sure amongst all the things going on I have the space to deal with that. It really feels like a lot to process. I stayed because I thought I can deal with it somehow, or I might even be able to overcome this discomfort. There is always a teaching in everything, especially in such coincidences.
Now, after almost burning out all my mental energy and almost going nuts, I told my girlfriend that I hate her mum and I’m going crazy. Well, I didn’t exactly say that.. but I told her I don’t feel good around her mum and I miss my privacy. These weeks we’ve discussed many things, going through all kinds of roller-coasters. She’s been very understanding and suggested we should look for a room somewhere else. I think that’s a good idea, maybe it would be good for both of us and I do believe that living here also effected our relationship. I think we could benefit from a better setup, a more suitable space where we can grow together as a couple. Her mum’s alright you know.. but I don’t think this kind of dynamics are suitable for this stage of relationship we are having. We are still getting to know each other… and we should be having better intimacy.
Dammit.. what a mess right ?! But the mess has changed and that I like. It means I’m learning something, and moving on. Nothing worse than being stuck in the same places. 🙂
Anita, thank you for reading this ! Of course I’ve haven’t been very brief.. Once I start..
I’m looking forward to hear your thoughts about this and I wish you a lovely evening, or day !January 28, 2023 at 2:31 pm in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #414635
Anita ! I hope you started the year well and good things are happening over there! I’ve been thinking of writing here so many times but I don’t know why I didn’t. Tonight I decided to check this thread and I’ve just read your posts. I feel grateful to see your posts but ashamed because I didn’t check at all. Thank you so much for your concern!
I’m still in Poland, and I’ve been thinking about moving or not moving for some time now. Overall I’m alright, but I’ve been struggling a lot with a few things. I’ve become very unsure about my relationship and my feelings and I often feel like I’m with the wrong person. Could it be that we are not right for each other ? Or maybe I’m not ready for it / not capable of a healthy relationship and I’m looking for all kinds of scenarios why she isn’t right? Often missing my past couple of years where I was single and having a good time in Spain. A lot has been going on and I often feel like I’m about to explode.
I can’t write much right now, but I really wanted to write to you now. Tomorrow I’ll be writing more. Talking to you is one of the most beneficial things that ever happened to me but still I wasn’t able to convince myself to write more to you. Funny how these things are sometimes.
I hope you too are doing alright! I never asked you anything about yourself but wish I knew more about you.October 2, 2022 at 7:00 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #407855
I’m so happy and surprised to see your post! It’s good to hear from you! I’ve been sometimes wondering how have you been and how these last years changed your life. I regret not reaching out. Every now and then I would think of this forum and this thread. I even checked it every now and then, but not this year. At times I would picture this moment when I write a continuation of this long story I’ve written here, where I tell you I’ve ” made ” it, or I finally got it / I found it /solved it – or something like that.
Well, a lot has happened. And yes, I’ve made it. I’ve made it big time actually. I’m still on the road, still working on myself but this time both my mind and body stronger.
Before the pandemic started I was working already for a few months in this language school as a teacher, in Spain. At some point I was quite busy but It has been a struggle to motivate myself to go to work every day and not feel like an impostor in front of my students. Suddenly we all stopped working and we went into a full lockdown. It felt strange, but it also felt like this is the moment of a big change. Not sure if I felt it on a personal or collective level. ( both I think ) It also felt good because suddenly I had no responsibilities, it was out of my hands. I felt confort. Now I can just do nothing and not feel guilty for it. And that’s exactly what I did. My flatmates left and I’ve been there, in a big flat for a couple of months by myself.
At first of course I felt like I was going crazy. I wasn’t going out anymore, I wasn’t getting drunk, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone with anything, I wasn’t really escaping anymore. I was just there by myself, learning to enjoy my own company. Right before the pandemic I’ve already started working out, I was slightly overweight and I wanted to look and feel better. So now since I’ve got an empty flat, time and a nice terrace on the rooftop, I took full advantage. I quickly adjusted and I’ve never felt better in my entire life. I would wake up in the morning, make myself a nice healthy breakfast, go up on the rooftop and train, get some sun, read, later on eat, maybe watch a film. I felt great, I felt like I’m finally moving. My life was finally changing.
Months passed, I kept training, reading and getting to know myself better without filters. I found my confidence slowly, I noticed I have a voice that has something to say and can be trusted. I’ve learned to trust myself, to trust what I feel. I slowly learned to listen to my gut feeling. I’ve learned to be compassionate to myself. I came much closer to myself. After the lockdown Spain had a very slow and progressive lifting of restrictions so I’ve come back to my ”old ” life in a very progressive manner. It was perfect. In many ways I was slowly merging the old lifestyle with the new me. Might sound naive but I really felt new. I looked different, and I felt different. I was the world through a different lens, and every time I would feel insecure or low, I would have much better judgement and I would calmly and compassionately bring myself back to who I now knew I was. I felt and knew that I was finally on the right track, I was growing, learning, I had appetite for things and for the first time I didn’t feel less than everyone else. I felt good being myself and I’ve learn to say no when I mean no and vice-versa. I’ve learned to have my own opinion and stick to what I feel that’s right rather than what people might wanna hear me saying.
Time passed and I kept getting better at things, I started training on the beach, getting much better social life. Of course the ladies liked me more all ripped and confident. I started also going out with girls more, but not much worked out. Funny enough it always seemed like we were in bad sync… they often had to lave Spain right after I’ve met them. In April 2021 Ive got an online job, part time but It came in perfect sync with everything. The school job wasn’t paying enough anymore and my parents have been supporting me for some time now. Since then Ive been working online and Ive got pretty good working conditions because I can choose when I work, and how much. ( double edged sword, I know.. but I guess there was no better way ). That job also filled this professional aspect, and I was finally earning more decent money and because It was part time I was able to keep working on myself. Train, go out, read, listen to music etc. I was very happy !
So 2 summers passed and during the summer of 2021, after a quick and challenging growth process, there I was. Still in Spain, training under the sun every day, partying quite a lot but more mindful. I kept meeting interesting people and I started to be more selective with my friends and choose people who add good things to my life. It was then when I became more interested in astrology and the univers itself. Of course I knew something about these topics and always felt somehow connected to them but maybe wasn’t ready. I started seeing the teachings every experience has to offer and I begun to truly believe and feel there is guidance. I felt like I found ”the thing” that works for me. With every new/full moon I would feel it deeply in my body and mind and I would take the time to introspect, on my rooftop, under the stars. I would talk to myself, I would introspect on the way things are going in my life. I would ask myself how I feel and what my hearth wants.
I would be there for myself.
Towards the end of the summer season I kept feeling more and more that something big is changing again. I felt like the ground I’m standing on is running away from me. I felt like I’m changing fast, and I often felt overwhelmed by all the big changes that were happening in my life. I did very often say out loud, I’m ready. Whatever is coming my way, I am ready. In September 2021 I met this girl. ( you knew that was coming didn’t you? :)) )
Ok, this has been a big change. Very big. Here I was, happy, strong, confident and in best shape ever. I was very actively going out with girls but nothing seemed to work out for various reasons..we would maybe sleep together a couple of times but then they would have to leave the country. Happened a few times. So one day in September I meet this girl. I don’t know how to go about this, it’s a very intense story and I’m not sure I know how to put it in the right sentences. Let’s just say the way we met was magical in many ways. Things happened, I was there, she was there. I saw her and the world stopped. I knew it wasn’t a coincidence, it felt very real and to me it all made sense. She was there on vacation and had to leave a couple of days after.
Fuck me. really? again?
But that didn’t matter. We both felt it and knew right away that we are very lucky. She came back to visit me of course after we spent those days together. Got rid of her fiancee and came back to see me. Up until this summer we’ve been seeing each-other every month for a bit. She’s beautiful and she’s such a good person. She likes the same things as I do, we are very similar, we have the same favourite movies, music, etc. Sounds like I’ve met the right lady. Finally! That’s what I always wanted! What more could I possibly ask for? I’m on the right path, I live under the sun every day, I feel confident, I’m dating a beautiful woman who I share so many things with and I have a six-pack. :))
Well. You know. No level-up comes for free.
There is always some work to be done first. I was right when I felt there was some big change coming my way, both before the pandemic and the summer before I met her.
My life in Spain started to feel different, like it wasn’t serving me anymore. I would still love the sun and working out on the beach and I would still love a glass of wine with a nice tapa in the middle of the day. I was changing. I kept feeling like I needed to change something. The way I lived for the past 2 years, partying and enjoying every moment suddenly felt like it cannot be done anymore. There was also the distance. She wanted to move to Spain but needed time for that. It has been her dream to live there, and now she had one more reason to do it. I didn’t want to wait and I kept feeling that I wanted to live Spain and go live with her in Poland. ( for a while at least until we go back to Spain together ) I’ve been telling myself that I want us to be together and make it easier for both of us. Since I work online, my location isn’t a problem. I’m not sure if that’s the main reason. I really felt it, in my gut, that I have to go. That I need something new, that I need to take my first step. And I did it. I left Spain, the place I loved so much, the place where I’ve, in many ways found myself. I left the place where I built this last segment of my path, the one that feels closest to who I am really. I left the place where I was considered to be cool, girls looked at me training on the beach and I was always invited to the best parties in town.
I left the place that recently has became my comfort zone.
You probably noticed how many times I repeated the ” I “. I this, I that during this long post. Well.. here is something I got to work on. You see, these last weeks I started seeing all this for what it is. Why did I leave Spain to live in Poland? Yes the lady’s nice. But I could’ve waited there for her. I left because I couldn’t be the person I used to be there. I was feeding my ego and I’ve been doing it all my life. Getting a lot of attention from both females and people in general fed my ego big time, the parties etc. Made me live a superficial life. I did enjoy it, It was amazing. But I feel this is my next step. I’m learning how to be myself, still.
So, now I live in Poland. I work online, I’m still half lazy but I have ways better control of my life. I’m currently struggling with all these changes that recently happened. There are many questions arising:
Why did I live Spain really? What did I run away from? What pain was I trying to numb while seeking attention?
It has been a little difficult for me lately. It all felt right for me to leave Spain, and once I’ve done it, it started to feel overwhelming to be here, to do all this. You know why? Because there are less ways to escape here. Here I have no parties to go to and and I’m being faced with another layer of myself. Deep down I knew this is what I was doing, but now that Im here, feeling at times frustrated and confused I have to say. It’s damn hard. I again left the confort.
I find it sometimes very difficult to connect to my girlfriend, at times I feel things are getting boring. But I love her immensely. I have some traumas I need to work on and I feel how some wounds I have can make even the most beautiful person in the world look like the source of my frustration. Luckily she is very inteligent and supportive. Today we talked about these things for a bit and after some thinking I believe I’m struggling with some sort of ADD. One of the most influential writers I’ve come across is Gabor Mate, who speaks a lot about it. I wasn’t sure this is where my attention should go but now, it does feel like it. So that’s what I’ll do. I have done a lot of thinking in the last 2 years, I’ve replayed many things from my childhood. As you said a few years ago… it’s all there. I’ve learned a lot about it. I see what triggers me, how and why. Sometimes I manage to smile at it and just see it for what it is. Sometimes.. it gets the worst out of me. Well, like any skill it will take some time. Surely I am not a beginner anymore 🙂
So this is me now, writing from Poland. I’ve started a new chapter and I’m both excited and overwhelmed. It has been a long year this one, a lot has happened. I’ve seen my parents a few times this year, had a few disputes, I see where all comes from. Its a long process but what else am I supposed to do? I might as well enjoy it 🙂
Thank you Anita! I don’t think that moment I’ve played in my head has come. In some ways it did and I could say that I’ve made it ! But then again, there will always be something next around the corner and I guess I wouldn’t change that.
Thank you for reading all this and I’m sorry for not being able to be bief.
Thank you for everything you’ve shown me in the past, all that had later made me understand so much.
And thank you for thinking of me! That means a lot! Sending much love your way and I hope to hear from you soon!
RobiDecember 2, 2019 at 1:33 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #325555
Well hello again,
It has been a while.. since I wrote here.. and some things changed. Some things haven´t in the past 8 months.
First of all, I am still here in Spain.. after looking for lots of jobs in February and March, I only managed to get a couple of hours a week, teaching english in a language academy. I finally got some work in a Summer Camp in April which made everything better. It was difficult and challenging.. I felt anxious sometimes but I`ve learned a lot from that experience. I did if for a couple of months and then I was unemployed again. That was the deal… it was only for 2 months. So I finished summer camp and in June I got back to my country. I had to… since I had no work and my money was running out.. I have been there for 3 more months and
Well hello again, after a long time!
Writing here right now makes me somehow guilty.. I feel like I am taking advantage
it was weird to be back at the beginning.. I felt like such a failure.. Like I failed and I had to come back.. Maybe I did in some way.. but not entirely for sure. It made sense to go home for 3 months because they just bought a house and they needed a hand with the moving.. So It made sense to go help them since I had no work… and then come back here and try again.
After being there for 3 months it was hard to leave again.. I cried and I questioned my decision to go back to Spain.. I almost gave up and stayed home… almost. I came back here knowing that I will have some courses in the same academy I have been working for earlier this year and I hoped they will give me more work so I will be able to be here. And, they did.. I am workig for 10 hours a week now.. and I am also taking care of some cleaning, so I get some extra money. It´s a little weird to be a teacher and janitor/cleaner in the same place.. but I could think of worse scenarios. I still don`t earn enough money to live here.. so my mother still pays my rent. I can afford all my other expenses except my rent. Being a teacher is quite interesting.. Sometimes it can be really great, sometimes it can be very stressful. I am very anxious before some of my courses… and most of the time I feel like I have no idea what Im doing… and I am scared of my students noticing that.. I don´t think that is true, but I always feel like that.. After I finish my courses I always feel good and uplifted.. Even while doing it, I could say I feel pretty confident. I´ve been doing this for 3 months now and I am starting to get used to having a routine… I do feel better in some respects.. much better. But maybe I still have too much free time..
The thing is … I solved some of the problems.. that is for sure. But I still find myself crying and feeling down.. and feeling very frustrated. I feel very lonely.. and I guess I felt very lonely for a long time.. maybe always.. Since I broke up with my ex girlfriend, a little more than a year ago, I haven´t been with anyone.. Again, I am in the same situation I have been a 3 years ago… when I somehow managed to be single and have no intimate relationships with anyone for nearly 4 years. I was scared I will get trough that again… and I am.. And it feels terrible. It makes me feel so frustrated, lonely and isolated. And I believe I am responsible for that.. and I think for some reason I want to be alone but I don`t want to feel lonely. I keep comparing myself with my friends and the people around me and they all seem to be in a relationship or at least hooking up with people.. None of them seem to go trough what I´m going.. I keep realizing that everyone is having sex.. at least once in a couple of months.. but I haven´t met anyone in my situation.. I feel like a failure, like a looser.. and I don´t know why is this happening.. I think I am just too shy to make these things happen.. and I just prefer not even trying.. I maybe got so comfortable in this situation so I prefer it now.. and I just suffer and wait for someone to make it happen for me.. And sometimes it happens… but the kind of girls who are willing to make all these steps.. are simply not my kind of girls.
I got to the point where I simply meet a girl, and if she is somewhat beautiful and we have a good conversation I over think and almost fall in love.. It´s ridiculous..
I got to the point where I am feeling desperate for any girls attention.. sometimes I feel like I would do anything for some kind of attention.. for some kind of intimacy.. It really feels awful.. and I feel ashamed to be like this.. I really do… And I simply don´t know what to do.. None of my friends know this… I haven´t told anyone that I haven´t had sex in more than a year and that I feel so lonely.. because they all seem to make those things happen.. and I feel like I am such a freak…
I do know and understand that maybe sex is not such an important thing.. and I am maybe too focused on that..
Maybe I shouldn´t.. but this is the way I feel… And some days I miss ex my girlfriend so much and I feel so guilty for not doing my best when I had the chance.. I keep thinking maybe we could´ve made it work.. I know its an illusion and I only think that way because I got so needy and desperate..
I don´t know what to do…
I think I just needed to tell someone..
Thank you !April 1, 2019 at 12:10 pm in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #287215
Well hello again,
Almost one month passed since I wrote here. It starts to look like a journal. Ahm.. I’m still here and not so many things changed. Actually almost nothing changed. I started having some kind of teaching job in an academy and I started with only 2 courses per week. Sadly it stayed there for the last month and a half and I didn’t get any more students. Lately I even only worked there once in 2 weeks because students don’t seem to come every week. I have been here for almost 3 months now.. and I applied to approximately 60 restaurants/bars, 18 language schools, 30 other jobs I found online – rent a car jobs, airport jobs, supermarket jobs.. and I’ve got nothing by now. It is true, it does feel like I haven’t done my best. Most of the times I didn’t even want to try to go somewhere and ask for a job.. there are days when I haven’t done anything, there are days when I have been watching movies. There are also days when I went from place to place and handled them my CV.
I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I don’t specifically want some kind of job. There is a part of me who seems scared of having a job.. because I am not used to that and I don’t seem to want to leave my comfort zone at all. But on the other side this is what frustrates me the most and I want to change it and have a normal responsible life. For some reason I don’t seem to achieve that. And I tried that for years ( at least that’s what I think ). I was scared about ending up here and doing the same thing I was doing home.. And I guess that’s exactly what I did. I still have no job, no income, I feel lonely, lost and depressed.
I go out with friends 3…4 times a week, I drink and I party but that doesn’t make things much better. I do have moments when I enjoy being here and I feel hopeful but I still feel like some kind of outsider.. like I am outside everything.. outside life?! Everyone seems to handle it in some way an everyone seems to have a job and some kind of drive towards something.
I appreciate what I have.. and I am doing my best to be grateful for everything. Grateful for having enough money to live comfortably, enough food, great shelter, parents and friends. I am also grateful for my experiences so far and I am grateful for who I am today. BUT I don’t like who I am to be honest. I don’t like the fact I am so lost, I don’t like the fact I don’t have a job at the age of 26, I don’t like the fact I am procrastinating sometimes and I don’t like the fact I feel lonely. I have a few friends and they are great people.. But I miss being with a girl and not having any girlfriend or any other kind of relationship with a female except friendship or some small talk in a bar.. I feel socially anxious especially around girls. I seem to be scared to get close to someone again.. and I definitely don’t want to repeat the live have had a few years ago.. when I’ve been lonely for about 4 years. It does seem like it’s going in the same direction.. and.. since I haven’t really changed, It probably does.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s attention I need.. or I simply need to feel loved and appreciated.
The things is.. I came here to change my life and live a good life. I came here to be happy, start having a job and finding myself and it feels like I failed again. It’s awful. I still have days when I cry and I keep praying to god, universe, whatever else is there in hope that somehow I will feel some kind of drive towards something and I will find my motivation to pursue it. It does seem like I am the only one going trough this.. and maybe I am. I mean..everyone has it’s own version of struggles.. but pretty much everyone seems to have a job and be able to go out and enjoy some quality time in the company of a girl. At least these two. A lot of my friends from here or other countries tell me they are not happy and they have no f*cking clue what they are doing with their lives but they all seem to manage so much better than I am.. and I feel like I am miles away behind. I know it sounds childish.. it does sound like a superficial mentality.. but that’s how I feel.
And I don’t think I am sick.. or depressed. I have ups and downs.. I have days when I’m feeling alright.. I have days when I am hopeful and I have days when I feel discouraged and lost.. but it never lasts for very long. I am asking myself quite often if I should go back to my country and look for a therapist and do everything that’s necessary to heal myself.. and I don’t know if this is or not the case. I have been doing therapy before.. and It didn’t really do much for me. I don’t know.
Money is running out.. I keep receiving money from my parents but I don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t really know were I want to be either. I like it here.. but it gets boring when I don’t have a job or some kind of schedule.. And no.. trying to make my own schedule like running, reading, looking for a job, etc. doesn’t work. I kind of need some schedule to keep me busy and make me feel like I am accomplishing something and it feels like I am cursed not go get it.. almost like no matter what happens I end up doing the same thing..
Thank you so much for reading. I feel pathetic.. I whine on and on about not being able to be a strong good man who has a good job, feels good and confident, has great friends and does good for himself and the ones around him. Is it really that much of a big deal?March 4, 2019 at 6:48 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #282803
Pretty much every day I wanted to write here, but I always ended up doing something else. Don´t know why. I noticed this applies to pretty much everything in my life.. Except procrastinating.. I could be a world champion.
So.. I have been here in Spain for one month and I had very good times and pretty bad times as well. I had moments then I’ve been very happy and grateful for being here, when I was sure I want to stay here. I also had moments when I wanted to go back to my country, to my family, to my cars, to the mountain roads where I used to race my cars.. to some of my friends there.
I had moments when I was so grateful for the friends I have here in Spain.. and sometimes I really felt loved and appreciated. So it’s not bad here. It’s actually nice.. and I can say I have a few good friends.. friends I met when I was here doing my Erasmus year. I almost have tears in my eyes when I’m writing this.. I don’t know why.
The things is.. almost every time I talk to my parents, and sometimes when I look at their pictures.. I feel like crying. Sometimes I start crying. I don’t really understand.. It feels like I want to go back sometimes.. but in the same time it doesn’t make sense. Maybe I am emotionally unstable.. but I cry quite often.. Maybe it’s a lot of pressure all this.. being here, looking for a job, making new friends.. Maybe I am scared of all this.. and maybe that’s why I feel like going home, even If I know there is nothing for me there. Not really.. I start caring for my parents more and more since I am here.. and I feel very grateful for them helping me be here and doing such a big effort. They don’t earn a lot of money.. but they keep helping me.. and they keep telling me they will help me until I find my way, so I should give it time and do my best to find a good job. It seems like they want me to be happy and this time if feels like they care much more. And I like that. A lot.
So.. I have been here for one month now. I went to 40 restaurants and bars and gave them my CV, and I sent a few in the airport as well. I was looking for places where they need English speakers. My Spanish is not that good, so I am trying to use the other languages I speak as an advantage. Spanish people don’t speak much English. Going around the city and giving 40 CV’s might sound like some kind of effort but.. It look me 4 days. So.. I have been procrastinating here as well.. I haven’t been doing much. But I was going out quite often and I was getting drunk a lot. So.. I am still doing the same.. and I don’t feel motivated to really find a job.. it’s crazy.
Tomorrow I will start working in a Language Academy as an English teacher. A friend of mine knew this lady who happens to run a language academy and I somehow ended up replacing someone who just left Spain and was working there as an english teacher ( who was also a friend of mine ). The importance of networking..
It’s not really a big deal, because I will only have 2 students. So.. it’s like.. I will get like 10 euros/ hour.. and since I only have 2 students.. I guess I will have like 50.. 100 euros a month.. which is sh*t. But I suppose it’s a good start no? So there is a chance for me here. I have been there all ready and they seem nice.. I don’t really know anything about teaching english.. and I don’t feel very confident.. or qualified. But.. it sounds much better than cutting onions or serving someone’s dinner.
Okay so I might have a job.. and if I prove myself to be good, they will give me more students, I will earn more money and I could live like a normal human being. So there is a bit of hope. Aaaand there are plenty of other academies here so I could apply to others as well.. and I could have a few courses in each one.
ONLY IF I WOULD FEEL MORE MOTIVATED. I MEAN.. FOR F***’S SAKE !!! I FOUND SOMETHING THAT COULD BE REALLY GOOD AND NOT THAT HARD BUT I STILL DON’T SEEM TO WANT TO GO FOR IT. WHYYYYYY !!!!!?
I will start tomorrow, but I haven’t really read any books about how to be an english teacher.. I haven’t prepared anything. So basically I don’t care. I am living a shit life but I don’t care?
I know my post doesn’t make much sense.. I am a bit lost at the moment.
Thank you for reading ! And thank you for being here ! I wish I could reward you somehow.February 13, 2019 at 5:55 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #279977
Thank you both, for your replies.
I am grateful to have the great opportunity to have access to all this.
Last days haven’t been the easiest. Even if it’s a really beautiful place I took with me whatever was wrong before when I was home. I expected that to happen of course.. but I somehow hoped it’s going to change.. at least a little. Not sure if it did.
The fact is.. It all comes in waves.. I just don’t feel like doing any kind of effort.. I don’t feel like sending cv’s, like going to places to ask for a job… it’s really a vicious circle. I don’t feel like doing much but if I’m not doing much I feel frustrated and pressured.
I find myself crying sometimes.. it seems to calm me down and make me feel better. Sometimes I have these ups and downs.. I could wake up motivated and pretty okay and later on that day I will feel low and hopeless.. and I will cry. I end up thinking about going back home and starting some serious therapy.. maybe I need to take care of this first in order to be able to proceed in my life. But.. I am here now.. I spent a hell of a lot of my parent’s money to do all this.. I don’t know if I can do this.. and it somehow feels like I have a serious problem… and I feel like everyone else manages to exist and take care of themselves. I think I am still a kid.. I live pretty much the same.. and I don’t know If I can do this.
I sent a few applications to some rent a car companies in the airport..and some other stuff as well. But… I don’t even feel like I want to work… but in a way I want to.. I don’t know what I want.. I would’t say my life is so bad but.. I feel like there is something really wrong with me.. I seem to miss something. I seem to miss an important part of the puzzle.. And without that I cannot really function. Time passes and nothing really changes inside me… I tend to accept the present and procrastinate most of the time. I like going out, drinking and talking to all kinds of people.. I feel good while I do that.. But when I have to apply for jobs, look for jobs, or do any kind of progress towards that.. I turn lazy, numb, tired.. unmotivated. I don’t know what to do..
I feel like giving up so often.. like go back home. Sometimes I feel like just hiding in my room..( which I am not doing ). I always tend to feel really low.. bad..and after 30 mins or so.. I switch my focus on something else and I feel fairly good again. So I wouldn’t say I am living in a constant state of depression.. It feels like I am just unaware of everything. I am aging and not doing anything.. time passes and I just float around.. I go for a run on the beach, I go to parties.. I spend my parent’s money.. but at the end of the day I start crying because I don’t accomplish anything.. or I simply forget about all the problems and act like everything is fantastic. It’s.. hard to understand. Its pretty much like I don’t care about changing anything but in the same time I want to change a lot..
Right now… I feel really down. And I feel like there is no hope for me to heal. Im going crazy.
It seems like I don’t want anything… but why…February 8, 2019 at 9:17 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #279329
I finally made it back to Spain. For the last week while still home, I felt really anxious and unsure about coming here. I was starting to even consider possibilities like becoming a police officer in my home town when someone advised me to do it. That is something I would’ve never considered.. not in 1000 years. So I was super scared about leaving. So unsure that I would find all kinds of reasons to stay in the place where after all I felt like I’m drowning more and more.
But I left anyway on the 5th of February. My mom took me to the airport, I flew and I was here again. I was very tired from the long trip and I felt extremely anxious and unsure. I constantly felt like this is too much and I should give up. I met with the landlord, did all the paperwork and I went to the beach. Once I found myself there I fully realized I actually came back to Spain. Everything looked scary, so much happening, a lot of people who looked like they have their life figured out. Everyone seemed to go somewhere and do something.. But I, once again was floating around wondering what am I doing here. I have to admit.. being awake for the last 30 something hours might have been contributed to the way I felt. I arrived few hours ago and I was already thinking about going back. Everything looked so intimidating. I was feeling like I failed.. maybe because I expected to feel much better when I’m going to be here again.. and it felt like the opposite. I sat on the sand and I started crying. A lot. I was thinking I should go home and ask my family for help. I was thinking about telling them that I cannot function properly and I cannot do all this. I am too scared of having a job and I am too anxious to be here. I wanted to call them and tell them I am going to come home and go in a mental hospital or something to sort things out. But I didn’t. I cried more and more.. and after a while I decided to go to the supermarket and buy some food, cook and get some sleep.
I woke up after a few hours in the afternoon and I noticed I had a few missed calls from my parents. I felt better. Actually much better after I slept. I dressed up, went for a walk and then I called them back. I told them I feel a little scared and I don’t know how I’m going to do this. They supported me and told me that I’m going to be fine, and If I cannot find any work and I am not happy here I can always come back. In a way, I wanted to hear that. It made me feel safe. They encouraged me and told me to think positive and not to worry so much. I was again at the beach, still anxious and scared about what’s going to happen.. and I texted one of my friends from here. We ended up meeting and having a few beers.. like we always did when I was here. And… to be honest I felt good again.. I immediately felt like I am in a good place. Hearing him talking about our common friends and all the new stuff happening around here, gave me some kind of hope. I felt like I can do this, and like I should do this. I almost felt stupid for the way I acted just an hour ago.
So the next day came, went for my usual run and meditation on the beach, video-called my parents to show them some of the city and started asking people about jobs and the papers I need to obtain to be able to legally work here. I knew Spanish bureaucracy was not exactly a walk in the park.. but some people told me I am going to obtain the papers in a few days.. So that wasn’t so bad. My plan was to have my papers and then go to places and ask for a job.
Two days ago I asked my landlord to go with me to the town hall and register my as a resident. That was the first step, and after that I wanted to apply for the spanish ID for foreigners. Yesterday my landlord called me and told me she made an appointment at the town hall for the 25th of March. M A R C H. Apparently a lot of people move here to get a tan. So yeah.. was shocked to find out that I need almost two months just to obtain the first document. And as for the second one, I think I need to have this first one to be able to apply for it. Of course, there is also an appointment to be made for that one.. and the guy at the office today told me that it usually takes around 4..5 months to get it. After hearing all this I called my mom and told her the great news. I felt really disappointed. She told me that she will help me with the money I need and I have to be patient. In a way I felt good and I am very grateful to have my parents support… but in the same time.. this only ads to the same I was doing since forever now. I mean… I haven’t really done anything in school / Erasmus / back home / and now I’m again coming here to start doing something and I end up doing the exact same thing. Nothing. It always seems like It’s written somewhere that this is my purpose here..to do nothing. I know how that sounds.
Well.. I don’t know what to do.. The anxiety is coming back..and I seem to fall back in the same trap. I seem not to really want to try to find work.. I seem to want to waste time again..get comfy. I seem to avoid trying to start living again. And that kills me. It feels like I just don’t want to work. It seems like I want to just go to the beach, go to bars, meet people but I don’t seem to want to work on my life. Even if I am very frustrated about where my life has gone so far, I seem to be too afraid to change it.
Basically… I am here now..waiting who knows how much for the papers.. and my options are just to try to work illegally without a contract in a restaurant, hotel or wherever the tourists come to get a tan. But I feel so anxious and I keep having this pictured in my head about me working somewhere and not being good enough and failing..
I don’t know what to do. I appreciate my parents help a lot.. but in the same time it feels like I am just continuing what I was already doing. And we both know how I feel about that.
I don’t know why this one had to be such a long post as well.. I am sorry for that.. I don’t even know what exactly was I trying to say.. somehow I wanted to complain.. but in the same time I am hopping to get an insight from you.
So much !January 31, 2019 at 11:33 am in reply to: Sex life. I want more experiences but I am too shy. #277903
I am glad to hear from you and I am glad to find someone in a similar situation. These days I had pretty bad feelings towards my dating life.. which is not really happening lately and makes me feel really worthless. But I guess in my situation there are a few more reasons for that.. so maybe it’s a mix of everything all together. I don’t know not having any physical intimacy with anyone feels for you but I know quite well the feeling of craving for attention, interest and love. For me, having a normal sex life from the age of 17 until the age of 20 and then not having any for 4 years felt like the end of the world sometimes.. In some cases having it and then not having it for a long time makes it worse. And maybe this is one of those cases. I do feel gratitude sometimes.. I don’t know If I could say it’s really truly felt gratitude but I feel good for the experiences I had. I think about some moments sometimes and I feel good about it.. or about myself. But as I said, I am not sure if I could really call it gratitude. Maybe I should feel grateful for it, and sometimes I try to.
Even if I had quite a few girls interested in me and I had some good experiences, I somehow still seem to forget all that and feel discouraged. Sometimes I am telling myself that.. If it happened for those few times, I am definitely capable and worthy of intimate relationships. And that is true, but I tend to forget that so many times and still end up avoiding opportunities or simply not even trying. Which is really frustrating !
Sadly I cannot afford any therapy right now… and I am about to move to a foreign country to try a fresh start somewhere else. It is a very difficult time right now for me because I have to figure out much more than you do. ( You could really feel lucky on this one ! ). I have never had a proper job, and I never really wanted to do anything.. I simply didn’t know what I want and who I really am. I still don’t. So I am basically about to go somewhere else, apply for jobs and hope that I will be able to find my balance and independence. And I really want to improve so many areas of my life.. Or I could simply say my whole life. It’s a lot of work.
I am glad you are having a satisfying job and you managed to sort things out well for yourself. That is very important. I wish so much I could say the same about my situation. I think you have great reasons to feel grateful! I believe you will find your way of experiencing the relationships you want and you seem to be doing just that. It might be a long process but sometimes we have to trust our struggles.
Again, I am really glad to hear from you and I hope to hear more 🙂
Thank you for your great insights !