Dear Anita,

Long day here – yesterday I started removing the old paint off the main gate of my parent’s property and started re-painting it. I wanted to do it throughout the summer but didn’t manage.. so I’m doing it now. Tomorrow I’ll be one with it. Feels good to do a little physical / creative work. I’ve been thinking about what you said.. both about how Eminem’s song relates to my story and about my fear of… performing?

It may be your body remembering the terrible consequences you suffered when you supposedly made a mistakes in performing things (e.x., exams in school measured in grades) that led to those brutal beatings you mentioned.
It may be your body remembering the terrible consequences you suffered when you supposedly made a mistakes in performing things (e.x., exams in school measured in grades) that led to those brutal beatings you mentioned.

I don’t really know what’s up there.. I’ve always been reluctant to perform in front of people – wether it was public speaking or playing the piano in front of a big audience ( which happened every year when I was studying music as a child ). I don’t know wether I was and still am shy or its more than that. I’d say its a little more than that since this blkage stops me from working —> therefore stops me from standing on my own feet financially etc.
I can do many things.. and I’m qualified to do quite a few things. On paper: professional photographer & film maker ( BA, MA), certified english teacher and certified fitness / personal trainer.
I’m guessing fear has stopped me from doing all of the above.
That needs to sink in a little…
Fear has stopped me doing all of the above.
Damn it.

I’ll be back.. I’m quite drained after the physical work, just finished my chest workout and now planning on getting the hell out of here and socialise a little. I feel I’ll go nuts If I spend more time at home 🙂 I need to go see some friends for a bit.. disconnect from home and all.

Robi

Dear Anita,

Funny how often I think I’m kinda not that fit. I guess there’s always many levels to everything 🙂 Not complaining at all, I feel good in my own body but I often think I should be doing better. But.. I guess aren’t we all?

You mentioned Eminem!!! That’s my first CD I’ve ever got for myself.. The Eminem Show – his 4th album and the one containing the Cleaning Out my Closet track. Funny, I used to like that song too.. back then.. in.. 2002..2003? Of course didn’t quite know what it was all about. Or maybe I did…but didn’t quite understand just yet.. Damn! I’ll put that song on right now. I still a copy of that album somewhere.

You wrote earlier: “I need to shift from consumer to creator. I was creating once.. a lot. But stopped.. for some reason”-

Could it be the common fear of not being good- enough?

Oh yeah for sure there’s fear of not being good. That’s my usual thing.. Whenever I even think of getting any job I always play out all sort of things in my head. ” but what if I mess up that or this? ” ” what do I do then? ”
And it could be anything. If we’re talking a café job – barista or whatever people who make coffee are called these days,
I would be afraid of making bad coffee.. or messing up those ridiculous heart, flower, leaf shapes these people make when applying the milk. I think it’s called latte art. Anyway.. those kind of worries. Or even worse.. what if I spill an entire cup of coffee into someone’s lap? That actually happened once.. It wasn’t coffee.. it was water, ice and Coca-Cola. I’ve managed to unload all that onto some lady’s lap. Cooled her down a little if u ask me. However, husband wasn’t very fond of that gesture. But guess what. I’ve survived.

So back to what I was saying. Yes.. there’s a lot of fear of doing anything. Anything that requires me to perform things.
Of course.. I’ve done things. I’ve worked in places.. schools etc. But ALWAYS felt tension in my body and worried that some things might get challenging. Until I kinda got used to it.. and then I’d feel okay.. ( until something new would show up.. something different that would again require me to adapt. another wave of anxiety.. until I get used to it and realise it’s akay. again and again ).

Yeah.. this is something I need to let resurface a little and take a good look at it.

By the way, I’m curious.. Are u familiar with a band called E N I G M A ?
I somehow transitioned from Enya to a different kind of new age music.. a Romanian guy called Michael Crețu.. who is behind the Enigma project. During the early 90’s he released his first album M C M X C a.D..
I was wondering if his music – particularly his first album got popular in the states.

Hi Roberta, good to hear from you!

It always amazes me how many things I have in common with people from the other side of the world. I’m guessing you too, are located in the US 🙂 Is Roberta a common name around there? Over here there are a few Roberts but very few Robertas.

I’m having an okay day.. could be a bit better though 😀
You too have a nice day!
Robi

*almost 34, born december 22

I like the fact we both submitted our message more or less the same time! :))

Dear Anita,

Just got back home – watched The Matrix (1999) with some friends. Some movie that is!

My goodness, Robi- her telling you 20 years ago that she got cancer because of your bad grades and disobedience..

Did she survive the disease because your grades improved and you became obedient?

Yeah.. right :))
I didn’t improve my grades and didn’t become obedient either.. I hated school.. and I guess I hated them too. So no improvements had been made there. I don’t know if hated is the word or not… at times it felt that way.. for sure. Maybe it’s a touch too strong.. but.. yeah.. I actually don’t care if I hated them then.. or if I hate them now. It’s okay.

As for them blaming me for the way they feel today.. and for all that drama around them dying soon.. That’s also okay. That has nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. I won’t feel guilty no matter what happens because I know all this has nothing to do with me. It just bothers me that these silly games are happening ( still ). Oh well.. no surprise here.

My mother threatened to commit suicide when she was 25. Fast forward SIXTY years, guess who is still alive..?
Damn.. that’s quite intense. Were u already around when that happened?

So much to deal with these days… I guess I gotta get outa here.. I guess I don’t want to keep living here for much longer. I don’t think all this is good for me. I keep thinking about what u said about being born to parents who are closed circuits.
I think I need to be around different people. For sure.

You have a nice day ahead!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Its been a bit weird the last 2 days.. feeling a lot but also almost getting comfy and falling back into procrastination mode. I feel sorry you’ve been through a similar childhood dynamic to mine. That must’ve been pretty hard.. Trust me – I know :))

I kept thinking about these last messages.. where I came to realise how much I didn’t like living with my parents and yesterday talking to a friend at the café I realised I haven’t actually ever missed them as a child ( except for maybe when I was very young ).
My friend asked me:
” But didn’t you miss your parents if they were away for a week for example? Didn’t you miss returning home? “
NO! I didn’t. I always felt sad for having to go back to living with them again.
He acted surprised. – ” OH.. wow… okay.. that’s tough man “.
And you know what? It is tough. The thought that things could’ve been the opposite.. and I could’ve felt good at home is pretty hard to digest. I don’t know if it’s regret.. actually it isn’t regret. It’s not my fault. I do ( now ) wish I did things differently.. I wish I had left.. or tried to talk to someone then.. when my mother started to hit me. And.. even more.. I wish I stayed abroad and didn’t return for a long, long time. I believe that would’ve been good for me. I could’ve pushed harder then to stay there… instead of having to push much, much harder now.
Okay, this I do regret. And it’s OK. I wish I’ve had done better.

The thing is I somehow forgot how bad things actually were. At times I even thought I was to blame.

At times I thought I was too much to deal with.. I felt guilty for not loving my parents and for always being agains them – sometimes to some extremes… I thought for some reason I was BAD – for not loving them, for not being on their side, for disappointing them often. ( grades, not being ”well behaved” in school ). I’ve been told by them, amongst other similar things.. that I was a bad apple.. and putting me next to good ones means I’ll be making the other ones bad too. Not sure this expression directly translates into English.. but I guess this needs to subtitles :))
Maybe I believed I was a bad apple. And to some extent.. subconsciously.. I might sill do.

Last night I watched Good Will Hunting. That scene towards the end.. where Robin Williams repeatedly tells Matt Damon –
” It’s now your fault! It’s not your fault! It’s not your fault! ” until he breaks down and starts crying.. always gets to me so deeply. Every time I watch that movie I feel I relate with that scene so much. There are many other things about that story which carry a very familiar feeling.. What an amazing film that is!

Anyway.. what I wanted to say is that.. I seem to have forgotten how bad things actually were.. and it’s almost shocking to me.. to remember how caged I actually felt every single day. And I ask myself.. why am I even here? Why the f*ck did I come here? Why did I choose to come here? I cannot repair things here.. I cannot fix my parent’s inability to be good parents. They don’t even need to be good parents anymore.. That time is long gone.

These last weeks I found myself often asking myself why do I dislike them so much.. why do I feel so tense around them? And I almost felt like I have no reason to do so. I almost felt guilty again. But… maybe I have a pretty legit reason to feel this way.

My body doesn’t lie to me.
Now what? I’m asking myself…

Hope to hear from u soon!
Robi