Dear Anita,

How have you been?

You got it just right.

You wrote that she treats her cats “as if they have no personality”- I am curious, what does she say or do to them that made you feel creeped out?

Is it because she doesn’ see that the cat’s obvious discomfort with being held, or is it that she sees the cat’s discomfort, but judges it as unacceptable because it conflict with what she likes (holding the cat)?

She sees that the cat is obviously uncomfortable but she just doesn’t care. She didn’t care if I was uncomfortable either. She ( or in this case, they ) judge it as unacceptable because it conflicts with their likings / plans / comfort etc. As you said before… my mother shouldn’t have had children. My father shouldn’t have had children either.. but at least he was honest and said it he didn’t want to – or he didn’t feel ready at the time. And he wasn’t he still isn’t. But I guess things happened. I somehow don’t hold anything against him. He’s been absent.. gave me a pretty sh*t example of what a man / father should be.. but I’m not that angry with him. He’s just a bit of a coward in many ways.. manipulative with my mother.. using her like you use a dishwasher or an oven. These things were and still are present in Romania. Women are supposed to be cooking, cleaning, ironing etc. But I guess that’s not that uncommon over there where u are either, I’m sure.
The main thing is that neither of them give a sh*t about how other people might be feeling. They mainly think of their own comfort.

Now.. these days I’ve been a little absent. I feel a little disappointment in myself for not having moved on already. A month ago I was talking to my girlfriend about having to find a job asap.. and now one month later I still haven’t. I asked around here, looked online.. applied to many jobs in Poland too.. but so far nothing clicked. Also I feel less motivated these last days. I feel less eager to get going, to find a job, to move on, to move out..
I find myself fighting between resting, laying around feeling comfortable vs applying for work, trying out ideas how to get out of my current life situation. I guess resting is also necessary. So I’m doing both. But it’s hard not to fall into comfort again. It’s pretty hard at times.

Tomorrow I’m going to a nicer, bigger town – to see my girlfriend for a few days. Feels good, I could use some company and a nicer city. I miss a nice city. I also feel a little tired.. as if I almost don’t have space for it.. but I also got used to this inactive, almost disabling life dynamic that I’ve been in lately. So.. no wonder I feel a little anxious about any change. I honestly feel like I’m getting dumber. I guess that’s not far from the truth.

A couple of days ago a friend of mine brought up an interesting topic. He was telling my how he’s been reading about what it means to be neurodivergent and that he might be having many traits of autism, Asperger, ocd etc. He also told me he’s been thinking of me too, when he came to understand more about neurodivergence.
These things have crossed my mind before, I’ve read about them in the past and I felt like yeah.. there’s something in there that deeply resonates. So talking to him about it I thought there was a lot I resonate with.. and he later sent me a test for me to see how things looked “on paper”. I know these tests are not very relevant.. so I’m not taking it very seriously. The test shows I have clear signs of autism + ADHD. There were a few criteria, I think.. 6 of them. I was “positive” for all of them. I’m really not looking for a justification, or label.. I just don’t know what to do with this info right now. Is this something I should look deeper into or just see it as.. ” I’m having symptoms of something “. I guess many people do too.

I was just wondering if this could be the case and part of the reason why I find it so difficult to move on, hold on to a job.. being highly sensitive.. easily overwhelmed etc. Because.. it does resonate a lot.. when I read about or listen to someone talk about AuDHD for example. ( I didn’t know that existed until a few days ago ).

Listening to some people talk about it.. some having a very similar situation to mine ( not being able to hold on to jobs, not knowing what it is that they want to do.. being overwhelmed, often feeling burned out ) makes me think there might be something there for me to explore. But I don’t want to be falling into a trap. I don’t want to label myself as anything and justify my inactions. I’m really not looking for a way to let go of responsibility. I’m looking for the healthy way to explore this possibility.

What do you think of this?

Hope to hear from u soon 🙂
Robi

Dear Anita,

Wow – that is a very long message indeed. Took me a while to digest it and it wasn’t easy to read. I’ve had a pretty bad headache today throughout the day and it didn’t get any better after reading this :)) My brain is usually quite foggy and sluggish when I have headaches so it probably didn’t reach me 100%. I will, surely have to read it again.. at least once when my brain feels sharper. Am I ever going to be in the mood to read something as hard to digest as this? No. Of course not. But that’s okay.

I’m just about to submit to you a very long message. I’ve never felt that a message I sent you was even close to how significant and comprehensive this one is. This one says so much (too much?).

It says a lot. Yes. And.. I don’t know if it’s too much. Nah.. it isn’t too much. I don’t mind if it’s a lot to feel or digest as long as it’s true. And.. I think.. for the most part..it is true. When something feels hard to read and makes me a little angry.. Well.. there must be some truth in there. I’ll read it again, maybe tomorrow.. with different eyes and with more headspace. Thank you so much for going through this very long process in order for me to come closer to all this.. This means a lot to me and I really appreciate all this!

It all resonated very well when you described your own experience to me.. I didn’t even need to read the very long message.. It already sounded so familiar to me.

This:

Going over our recent communication, I see that on June 22, I wrote to you about a new term (for me)- Identity Diffusion, which includes “a shifting self-image”.

The human psych, I believe, cannot accept an inferior self- image as true and final (at least not without a youth- fueled fight, so it tries very hard to win consistent approval irl, and when all irl fighting fails, the psyche claims a superior self- image so to survive.

All this.. resonated right away when I read it.

For me it wasn’t something as specific as being a movie star – for me it was a little more abstract. But as a kid, I was always acting as if I’m someone important, rich, someone who’s going to be famous and prosperous. I wanted to be perceived that way. I would sometimes make people believe I came from a rich family. I must’ve been 8.. 10 years old. Funny I was actually thinking about it not so long ago.

It’s like.. the minimized, frozen child develops a compensatory self-image so to mentally survive as someone worthy, but living up to that self-image as an adult is nearly impossible (possible for 0.01% of people, or so).

Yea.. like this. Precisely like this.

This needs to be re-read a few times but I know for sure that I resonate with most of it.. if not all of it.

Now, I haven’t really talked much about my mother beating me.. and I see that co-pilot isn’t fully convinced it did happen. There isn’t that much I can say about it.. Well, It did happen.. quite a few times. I don’t know.. it could be 5 times.. but also could be 10 times.. I don’t really remember how often this happened but it wasn’t a one time thing for sure.
My mother used to hit me with a belt.. usually on my bare skin. I used to cry and scream my lungs out.. I was in pain and I was very angry. I screamed because I wanted our neighbours to hear it. I wanted them to know how shit my mother was for beating me. She used to hit me many times in a row – trying to punish me for having bad grades, for doing all sorts of silly things in school. I remember a few times she cried and apologised for losing it. Funny how I didn’t lose it.. and it kinda stayed with me :)) But yea.. she would start crying, say she was sorry and hug me. Telling me she didn’t know what else to do because she was angry.. because I f;cked up. I guess I did believe it then, that I f;cked up. I felt guit, shame.. a lot of confusion too. But confusion was more subconscious.
I didn’t exactly think of it in terms of: ” Why does my mother causing me physical pain? Why is my caregiver physically attacking me? Doesn’t she realise I may be carrying unresolved fear, betrayal, humiliation, and grief because of this? ”
Well.. she obviously didn’t.

When I confronted her in January 2024 – I told her that I was still hurting because of what she had done. I didn’t get angry, I didn’t raise my voice. I decided to just.. talk to her. I didn’t blame her. I just told her I was hurt by all that and its been hard for me lately to find my balance. She must’ve felt blamed but I didn’t blame her.
She then said none of that happened. She said she didn’t hit me. I couldn’t believe she expected me to believe that was true. But I can see she didn’t even believe that herself. You know when you look at someone’s face and their facial expression just doesn’t match the words they’re saying? Yea..
I probably told you this story before. So then, in 2024, after a few more days spent at their house, me and my girlfriend went back to Poland. We’ve been only visiting for a couple of weeks. My 31st birthday, Christmas and New Years. Damn.. what a weird time that was. Once back in Poland I didn’t talk to my mother for like a week.

After a week I’ve decided to give her a call. I was in my favourite cafe in Warsaw. I’ve had a glass of wine and called to see how she was – I was expecting she’d done some thinking. And indeed – she had. But not the kind of thinking I was expecting. She then told me that I deserved to be beaten, because I was a bad boy :)) That I deserved to be hit by her because I was hard to raise. I then got pissed off.. and reminded her how she had threatened me to abandon me and send me to foster care if I didn’t “behave”. I asked her what kind of mother does that? She started laughing… and told me that that was a joke and I shouldn’t have believed that.

Of course.. why would I believe such thing? Especially coming from her…

If someone had told me then, in that café in Warsaw – after having that phone conversation with my mother, that later on that same year I’ll be back in Romania, staying with them for the summer… I wouldn’t have believed that.

And you know.. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I feel a lot of shame and disappointment towards myself for coming back here in 2024, and later in 2025. Not to mention.. living here for 1 year and 3 months.. and today, after remembering all these things, after writing them down.. I am still here. I feel a lot of disappointment in myself and I feel ashamed of my own actions. ( or inaction ) I honestly regret not staying in Spain ( or in Poland ) then, in 2024. I guess it would’ve served me better.

Simply looking at it objectively.. this is ridiculous. I’ve been told by my mother that I deserved to beaten by her and later on that year I go live with them for the summer. This is wrong.

Okay.. I am where I am right now. I don’t like how it all feels but I’m going to get out of this no matter what. Perhaps dealing with the feeling of shame and disappointment towards myself would be a good way to make some space. To clear things out a little. I don’t really know how I’ll be doing that yet.

Now.. I’m wondering. Would Co-Pilot see it differently now? Knowing that I was beaten by my mother.. and that she threatened to abandon me into foster care?

… No. In the material you pasted here, he does not mention being beaten by his mother. In the quotes you shared, (2018), he does not mention physical abuse, being beaten, or his mother crying and apologizing afterward. That additional information changes the picture significantly.

If a person later reveals, almost as an afterthought, “My mother brutally beat me, then cried and apologized,” that sometimes suggests that the person has normalized what happened and doesn’t immediately recognize how important it is. In other words, the beating might be far more central to his emotional development than he realized when he wrote the posts (2018)

It’s true.. I did normalize it. I thought most kids got punished like that by their parents. I’ve only much, much later realised this wasn’t .. well.. it’s not quite the right word now is it? It’s not like I didn’t realise. I knew even then, as a child that all that was wrong. What I mean is that I didn’t remember that to be wrong. I’ve started remembering much, much later.. while had been living in Spain for a while and learning from other friends that they didn’t have such experiences. Then the big wave of podcasts and books on trauma became a big thing and everybody started talking about it.. I’ve listened to Gabor Máte talk about it, read couple of his books. I then started to recognise it. I even bought my mother one of his books.. then in 2024.. gave it to her as a Christmas present, a few days before we’ve had that conversation. She didn’t read it.

I feel like I want to leave. I keep applying for work in Warsaw. F8ck this, I want to go 🙂

You know what.. I’m thinking..

How fascinating is it that – we both have had some very, very similar experiences?
There’s no such thing as a coincidence.

Take good care of yourself Anita! I wish you a nice day ahead 🙂
Robi

Dear Anita,
These few days have been a little foggy for me. The weather has changed suddenly too and now we’ve had the first rainy day in many weeks. Got much colder too. These days I’ve felt as if I cannot concentrate much on my goals and I’ve lacked a lot of clarity. I’ve escaped a little into watching films and playing Gran Turismo. But it’s okay. Every now and then it’s okay.
Now, today I finally feel like I have clarity again. Today I’ve been thinking I miss living in Poland. I don’t know if it’s really Poland I miss or it’s the way I was living there. I miss having my own life – but that you already know.
I’ve been here for 1 year and 3 months.. and I feel as if I’ve eroded. Perhaps that’s not far from the truth. I don’t know how to put it. I feel as if I’m getting dumber here. I guess small town Romania isn’t very interesting… and I quite like it when it’s interesting. Apart from living close to nature I don’t feel this place has much to offer to me. Maybe it would make sense to live in the country side – running a business ( some kind of farm for example ). Living in a small, dull town doesn’t feel right at all. I don’t have the knowledge and money to have my own business in the country-side. And I don’t want to live in a small, dull town. I feel this place is taking the life out of me. Yes, I know it’s often not about the place.. but I think these circumstances here, now.. are not very good for me. They are actually quite toxic. I mean living with parents, not many jobs around, city not feeling nice at all… countryside life I cannot afford to do properly now.

So.. I hope I’ll get a job in Warsaw.. I keep applying there too.
In the mean time.. a friend of mine said he wants to buy an apartment and needs help with the renovation. He asked me if I’m willing to take part. I’d quite like that. I could use the money and I’d like to do some “real” work with my friend. Let’s see, I hope it aligns. He is still negociating the price with the owner.

Damn it! I’m so f4cking fed up with all this. I wish I didn’t come here 1 year and 3 months ago. I just don’t quite get.. why did I have to experience all this? I know there’s something to it.. but I’m wondering why was it so necessary…

Anyway, I hope you’ve had a nice weekend 🙂
How are you?
Robi

Dear Anita,

Long day here – yesterday I started removing the old paint off the main gate of my parent’s property and started re-painting it. I wanted to do it throughout the summer but didn’t manage.. so I’m doing it now. Tomorrow I’ll be one with it. Feels good to do a little physical / creative work. I’ve been thinking about what you said.. both about how Eminem’s song relates to my story and about my fear of… performing?

It may be your body remembering the terrible consequences you suffered when you supposedly made a mistakes in performing things (e.x., exams in school measured in grades) that led to those brutal beatings you mentioned.
It may be your body remembering the terrible consequences you suffered when you supposedly made a mistakes in performing things (e.x., exams in school measured in grades) that led to those brutal beatings you mentioned.

I don’t really know what’s up there.. I’ve always been reluctant to perform in front of people – wether it was public speaking or playing the piano in front of a big audience ( which happened every year when I was studying music as a child ). I don’t know wether I was and still am shy or its more than that. I’d say its a little more than that since this blkage stops me from working —> therefore stops me from standing on my own feet financially etc.
I can do many things.. and I’m qualified to do quite a few things. On paper: professional photographer & film maker ( BA, MA), certified english teacher and certified fitness / personal trainer.
I’m guessing fear has stopped me from doing all of the above.
That needs to sink in a little…
Fear has stopped me doing all of the above.
Damn it.

I’ll be back.. I’m quite drained after the physical work, just finished my chest workout and now planning on getting the hell out of here and socialise a little. I feel I’ll go nuts If I spend more time at home 🙂 I need to go see some friends for a bit.. disconnect from home and all.

Robi

Dear Anita,

Funny how often I think I’m kinda not that fit. I guess there’s always many levels to everything 🙂 Not complaining at all, I feel good in my own body but I often think I should be doing better. But.. I guess aren’t we all?

You mentioned Eminem!!! That’s my first CD I’ve ever got for myself.. The Eminem Show – his 4th album and the one containing the Cleaning Out my Closet track. Funny, I used to like that song too.. back then.. in.. 2002..2003? Of course didn’t quite know what it was all about. Or maybe I did…but didn’t quite understand just yet.. Damn! I’ll put that song on right now. I still a copy of that album somewhere.

You wrote earlier: “I need to shift from consumer to creator. I was creating once.. a lot. But stopped.. for some reason”-

Could it be the common fear of not being good- enough?

Oh yeah for sure there’s fear of not being good. That’s my usual thing.. Whenever I even think of getting any job I always play out all sort of things in my head. ” but what if I mess up that or this? ” ” what do I do then? ”
And it could be anything. If we’re talking a café job – barista or whatever people who make coffee are called these days,
I would be afraid of making bad coffee.. or messing up those ridiculous heart, flower, leaf shapes these people make when applying the milk. I think it’s called latte art. Anyway.. those kind of worries. Or even worse.. what if I spill an entire cup of coffee into someone’s lap? That actually happened once.. It wasn’t coffee.. it was water, ice and Coca-Cola. I’ve managed to unload all that onto some lady’s lap. Cooled her down a little if u ask me. However, husband wasn’t very fond of that gesture. But guess what. I’ve survived.

So back to what I was saying. Yes.. there’s a lot of fear of doing anything. Anything that requires me to perform things.
Of course.. I’ve done things. I’ve worked in places.. schools etc. But ALWAYS felt tension in my body and worried that some things might get challenging. Until I kinda got used to it.. and then I’d feel okay.. ( until something new would show up.. something different that would again require me to adapt. another wave of anxiety.. until I get used to it and realise it’s akay. again and again ).

Yeah.. this is something I need to let resurface a little and take a good look at it.

By the way, I’m curious.. Are u familiar with a band called E N I G M A ?
I somehow transitioned from Enya to a different kind of new age music.. a Romanian guy called Michael Crețu.. who is behind the Enigma project. During the early 90’s he released his first album M C M X C a.D..
I was wondering if his music – particularly his first album got popular in the states.

Hi Roberta, good to hear from you!

It always amazes me how many things I have in common with people from the other side of the world. I’m guessing you too, are located in the US 🙂 Is Roberta a common name around there? Over here there are a few Roberts but very few Robertas.

I’m having an okay day.. could be a bit better though 😀
You too have a nice day!
Robi

*almost 34, born december 22