Dear Anita,

I’ve disconnected once again from this forum… I’ve been absent for months. It bothers and fascinates me in the same time how easy it is to disconnect from the things that are facilitating my growth. Something in me is still stronger. Not every time, not in every aria of my life.. but when it comes to my growth.. surely there are many blockages.

I was telling my girlfriend the other day.. this past year has been really, really difficult. I feel as if this year has dimmed my light so much that I almost forgot about it. The same light that has found its courage to show itself, while I was living in Spain and was slowly getting to know myself has now dimmed almost completely. Comfort kills me. Comfort kills all of us.. slowly but surely. Of course I know that.. who doesn’t? It looks obvious if you put it in a different context. Show me a chair and I’ll tell you sitting on a floor is better for your back. Tempt me to binge-watch Netflix for 3 hours and I’d tell you I’d rather choose to go for a 3 hours nature walk. But here I am uncomfortably comfortable living in my parents house for over a year. I am now unemployed, almost no savings left and living in my parents house. I remember complaining about living in Warsaw, teaching english and not liking all that.. Well.. I find myself often saying I miss those days. I miss being my own person.

I guess I still am that person I’ve been before.. in Spain or Poland. Nothing has been truly lost. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this right now.. but Its all so damn rusty. Okay.. enough theatrics.

Thing is.. I gotta get a job. Throughout this year I kept looking for jobs in Warsaw and online but haven’t been very lucky. I don’t feel like getting a job here.. there’s a lot of shame in me and I find it very difficult to picture myself working in my hometown. I don’t want to be seen by many people who might know me working some low end job. Doesn’t make much sense to be honest.. the f*ck do I care about what people think of me. But the shame is there and it’s been there always. There is pressure from every angle to change. My parents are playing all kind of games with both me and my girlfriend. They want me to get a job. And that’s actually great! I want to get a job too.. my girlfriend wants me to get a job.. and so do you! Every single person I know probably wants me to get a job. So why the hell can’t I just get a job?
Not having a job has taken away so much from me. Although I get to enjoy more free time than most people, space to work with my body and mind, sleep as long as I want.. this has become toxic and it doesn’t serve me ( anymore ).
So, I gotta get a job.. and its pretty difficult to walk through the shame and blockages. It’s hard to start at the bottom when you’re 33. I wish I’ve done it when I was 23. I wish i’ve done it when I was 30.. or even a year ago. I know people do it all the time… some younger.. some older than me. Still, it’s difficult.

Throughout the last months I’ve spent quite a lot of time with my girlfriend. I’ve been in Poland for about a month and after that she came here for quite a few weeks. It’s been good.. and I feel lucky and blessed to have her in my life. And my interests in other women.. I’m so glad nothing has happened with any other. I now see why I get disconnected from my girlfriend.. even from this forum and why its easy to look elsewhere and think it feels right. And.. it might feel right.. but not for my growth.. not for my becoming closer to myself.. closer to that light that wants to come out.

I have everything I need.. I just don’t know how to use it with confidence and patience. And.. to be honest.. I don’t exactly feel like cultivating confidence and learn how to patiently take each step knowing that it’s taking me home.. even if at times it might not look like things are moving at all. No one has taught me how to do that.. schooling system doesn’t do that.. obviously. As for my parents.. well..
I guess I don’t have much of an option but to jump. I gotta get a job. I’m thinking something more physical and dynamic.. something that can provide me with money quickly and there is not much learning period needed. I gotta get moving fast.
I’m thinking maybe driving.. or working somewhere in some warehouse.. I just don’t feel like having a very public – connecting to many people kind of job. As I said.. I feel a lot of shame around being seen by others performing low end jobs… so maybe its okay not to have too much of a spotlight for now. Of course I could just go all the way and fight this demon all the way.. maybe get the most exposure I can get.. but what for? What I need is to get unstuck. Also.. I’m quite tired emotionally.. It would be like leg day at the gym after having just finished a marathon.

So… unless some good opportunity comes from Warsaw.. and I can go work there and live with my girlfriend.. for now, I gotta get a job here. She’ll be coming to see me every month for a few days, maybe for a week.. and I’ll also need to be moving out. We’ve decided not to be in this house together anymore. I’ll be seeing my girlfriend in different circumstances than these here.
Today I’ll be asking around friends.. maybe they could provide me with some clarity around what jobs I could rely on for building my financial independence.. Who knows? Maybe it won’t be that difficult after all.

Okay.. now I feel quite heavy and drained. It only shows me how heavy these words are for me right now. I’ll be writing here soon 🙂
Let me know how you’ve been these months. How’s the beagle? They are quite a handful and require a lot of attention but very rewarding – like a Ferrari. And.. Anita.. you were right. You were right all this time when you’ve told me not to come back here. I hate the fact you were right though and I thought I knew better than to fall into this trap..

Damn it!
Take good care of yourself 🙂
Robi

I have no idea.. right now I don’t really feel I want to connect to her.. Of course would be nice if things worked out but I don’t quite know how that could happen. I guess as long as her mother plays such role in her life not much will change from her side… Of course there are other reasons too..

I feel I need some rest. some deep rest.

Dear Anita and Roberta,

Well, it didn’t go as I thought it would and I’ve been rejected by this other woman. It came as a surprise – I was almost sure there was something else there. Damn.. I wonder how did I misinterpret this one. From what I understand she wants to be on her own right now.. so.. that’s that.

As for my long distance relationship.. we haven’t yet resumed talking.. but I’m not sure. Right now I might need a little more time.. And.. what it is that kept us together all this time? That’s a good question. I don’t quite know to be honest.. not with my curent foggy mind and heart at least..

Damn it things are so complicated these days 🙂

Well… I guess you’re right…
We took a little break for a few days and tomorrow we will resume contact.. but maybe I could use a longer break..
I have mixed feelings.. I wanted to go visit her in Poland for a month or so.. like.. next week. But I’m not so sure its such a good idea right now.

I’ll see. I’m thinking I might take some steps towards this other woman today. Yesterday we agreed on meeting at the cafe today.. I don’t know.. I might just tell her I feel attracted to her and see what’s what. I feel I have no more space for playing things cool or anything like that. Some simple honesty feels alright these days.

Interesting fact, Cafe del Mar from Ibiza turned 46 yesterday. Not sure this thing is popular in the US or not. That place is my inspiration for the cafe-bistro.. which might happen on the shores of the Cincis Lake form Hunedoara one day..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLjuVkdHIsU&t=786 – cafe del mar 😉

Dear Anita,

Well, today we spent some time together talking about all kinds of things.. I don’t know.. I feel a lot of pull towards her.. and I also think she’s attracted to me too. I don’t know, I could be wrong – these days I’m so tired and confused that I might not pick up on everything very well.. We talked for a couple hours.. and I felt good talking to her.. we even touched on relationships.. a topic she opened. I did feel like I wanted to make a move and kiss her a few times.. I kinda felt like she wouldn’t mind that at all.. But who knows? Maybe I’m just imagining that. Her relationship with her mother seems quite different from the one my girlfriend has with hers.. and I feel we have many things in common actually.. But I feel both blocked and excited..
On the other hand, right now.. I don’t really feel anything specifically towards my current girlfriend. I feel.. numb.. and I feel no excitement at all.. We’ve been fighting a lot and things have been so tough..

I don’t know what I’m gonna do.. I might see this woman tomorrow again.. but I’m not sure what I’m going to do..

Dear Anita,

Yeah, I named him. I’ve had a 1984 W123 Merc when I was 18.. It was my second car. First car was a Dacia which I’ve modified to go racing on the street. Such crazy years those were… Then, I thought I had my life ahead of me.. And I did. That’s still true today I guess.. but the feeling has changed. Now I just want some peace :))

I know a thing or two about the effects of alcohol on my social life. When I was living in Spain the majority of my social interactions were lubricated by alcohol. I felt good when drinking, I was less inhibited and didn’t feel self conscious. Then there was ecstasy. That happened on occasion.. whenever I would go to a bigger party with some friends and someone had some. That was just.. next level of connectedness. Then I felt truly complete.. as if everything is perfectly aligned. I felt full acceptance for everything and everyone. But I guess I’ve never cherished that feeling enough to get into regular use of any drugs.. I just saw it for what it was. I do miss those things sometimes. Its been years since I’ve done anything like that.

Alcohol has been always around in my life… when I was 13 I got into a coma because of drinking too much alcohol ( believe it or not…) It was kind of an accident.. I didn’t know I could almost die from drinking a few glasses of home made vodka. I ended up in the hospital – I was pretty lucky.
Have I learned my lesson?
No. Course not. Later on in my late teens I was getting drunk at parties, later on in Uni.. and well.. Spain… There I got completely immersed into the realm of alcoholic beverages. I began to develop more sophisticated preferences and got more into wine… but during the pandemic I took a good break from it. I always known I was drinking a little too much and felt pretty drained the next day. So.. pandemic was good. Pandemic was real good. I started eating well, working out and stopped drinking.
After that alcohol has become a every now and then kinda thing… I even had long breaks.. like months without alcohol. Now I fine tuned a little.. Now I have a glass or 2 every now and then when I’m in good company.. but that’s about it. Same goes for cigarettes.

For a while I identified with the image of a non alcoholic person who takes care of his body and does only healthy stuff. And.. yea.. it kinda felt good.. but I also felt bored. That was just some bullshit spiritual ego. I guess all is good in smaller measures..
I make wine with my dad every year.. we have some grapevine and we make a decent quantity of red wine. Its pretty good.. that’s what I’m drinking these days… Well.. once a week or so..

Ah yea.. u asked me about the cafe bistro thing..
Yes.. I’d very much like to own my own a place like that. I’d like to design it myself.. and I’d like to always play nice music in the background. Some days I’d like to do House or Balearic Chillout Dj sets there.. as background music. Yea.. that would be pretty nice 🙂 I’d channel my passion for sound and esthetics into a place that could serve a good place for community building.. Yea that sounds alright..

How are u today?

Dear Anita,

The idea 💡 that you and your girlfriend might get married in Poland 🇵🇱 crossed my mind.

How long have the 2 of you been together- in person and LD?

🇵🇱 🇷🇴 🇪🇸- where is your heart at this time, Robi?

– Well… we are pretty f*cking far from that to be honest. But somehow still together. We’ve been together for almost 5 years. As for my hearth.. I don’t really know anymore. Things have been pretty tough lately. I’m still here in Romania and I now feel like I’m officially stuck. Perhaps denial has done some pretty elaborate game on me for a while now but now I feel like I’m stuck. And it feels pretty bad. I’m fedd up with this..
There’s a lot of conflict going on.. with my parents, with my girlfriend.. within myself of course. A lot of blame flying around. Feeling guilty too..

Not the best of chapters, body doesn’t like either.

Anyway… what about yourself? How have you been lately? I hope all is good!

Take care,
Robi

Dear Roberta,

Good question. Yes, I’ve felt a strong attraction to a place. I’ve felt like that about Spain – and I’ve lived there for 5 years. I moved away form Spain after I met my girlfriend there. I often miss living there.. Sometimes I feel I’d like to be here in Romania.. living closer to nature. I’m not so sure about living in Poland though… The only good thing there would be my relationship but then again… I’m not sure that’s so good either…

These days I’ll have to decide on something. Do I go back there and try again… or.. not. We’ll be spending 4 days together starting from tomorrow… and I hope I’ll manage to decide.

Thank you,
Have a nice day! 🙂
Robi