Home→Forums→Tough Times→growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma
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anita.
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June 22, 2026 at 10:09 am #458820
anitaParticipantDear Robi:
As I was reading and studying your earliest thread (“My story and my search for answers”, June 8, 2018- July 4, 2018, age 25) and part of the second, I came across a term called Identity Diffusion which may have applied to you back in 2018 and maybe still. It definitely applied to me for the great majority of my life.
Identity diffusion means the person doesn’t have a consistent sense of who they are across time, they feel like different people in different situations and their view of others swings between idealization and devaluation. This creates a self that feels fragmented, inconsistent, or hollow, especially under stress.
Identity diffusion forms when early caregivers were intrusive, inconsistent, emotionally absent, frightening, and/ or unpredictable, and it leads to unstable relationships, shifting self‑image, intense emotions that feel unmanageable, idealizing then devaluing others, feeling empty or unreal, and difficulty making decisions or commitments
It’s the adult expression of a childhood where the child had to ADAPT to the emotional environment instead of DEVELOPING an inner center. The child grows up without enough emotional space to develop an inner center, suppressing their own preferences, feelings, and impulses because expressing them either doesn’t matter or creates conflict. Over time, the child oriented around the parent’s moods, expectations, and needs, building a self that is externally shaped rather than internally rooted.
This produces an adult who feels blank, indecisive, easily overwhelmed, and dependent on relationships or external structure to feel real, shifting identity depending on who the person is with, mistaking intensity for connection, and collapsing when alone because there is no stable inner “me” to return to.
Identity diffusion feels like blankness when someone asks what you want, fog when you try to make decisions, and collapse when you’re alone. You might feel intensely connected to someone one day and disconnected the next. There’s a constant sense of being pulled by external forces — partners, expectations, moods, fantasies.
Identity diffusion shows up in relationships as a kind of shapelessness — a person who becomes whoever the relationship needs, then collapses when the role becomes too heavy. It looks like shifting preferences, values, or desires depending on the other person. It shows up as clinging when alone and avoidance when intimacy gets too close, because both closeness and distance feel destabilizing when there’s no inner center.
It creates cycles of idealizing a partner, then feeling suffocated, then feeling guilty, then feeling empty — not because the partner changed, but because the person’s internal structure is too thin to hold steady. It also shows up as romantic over‑investment after minimal connection, or sudden doubt and emotional numbness once the initial intensity fades.
The above, Robi, is general information. Does it resonate?
Anita
June 22, 2026 at 10:53 am #458821
Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita,
I’d say I resonate with this quite a lot, yes. I’ll look closer into that. Thank you 🙂
I’ve been asked earlier If I’d like to resume talking to my girlfriend today.. but I think I’ll postpone that for tomorrow.. Right now I don’t feel at all I’d like to connect to her.How are u doing?
June 22, 2026 at 11:11 am #458822anitaParticipantGood to read back from you so soon, Robi. I am fine, still working on my own healing every day, and that gives me a sense of meaning, plus I feel better inside, much, much better.
It makes sense to me that you don’t feel like connecting to her: bad feelings are attached to the connection. I am guessing there’ll either be a repair (and reconnecting to good feelings) or… staying away from her?
Anita
June 22, 2026 at 12:13 pm #458826Robi1992ParticipantI have no idea.. right now I don’t really feel I want to connect to her.. Of course would be nice if things worked out but I don’t quite know how that could happen. I guess as long as her mother plays such role in her life not much will change from her side… Of course there are other reasons too..
I feel I need some rest. some deep rest.
June 22, 2026 at 1:19 pm #458827anitaParticipantSounds like you really do need some deep rest. Put yourself first, Robi. What you need, what you feel IS important! I hope to read from you after you rest!
June 28, 2026 at 7:25 am #458954Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita,
Took some days to rest a little.. but hasn’t been that easy. I don’t feel like spending my days like this anymore. I’ll need to make up my mind and move on. Not sure if I’ll be going to Warsaw or staying here.. but I need to get going one way or another. Not sure if I want to carry on with the relationship either.. these days I feel like I don’t really care anymore. I sometimes feel this relationship has become a burden to me.. and I would feel much litter without it..
Damn.. nothing seems to make sense anymore.
How are u these days?June 28, 2026 at 10:17 am #458956anitaParticipantDear Robi:
Thank you for writing back 🙂. I can hear how depleted you feel — emotionally worn out from carrying so many decisions and uncertainties at the same time.
It makes sense that Warsaw, staying where you are, and even the relationship- all feel confusing right now. When someone is this depleted, anything or everything can feel like a burden.
You don’t have to decide anything right now. You’re allowed to take this step by step, gently. If you feel up to it, I wonder what part of the relationship feels heaviest for you these days.
As for me, I’m sitting in a comfortable armchair with Bogart curled against me, listening to his even breathing. It brings a sense of calm, and I’m here with that calm as I read your words.
🌿🌿🌿Anita
July 24, 2026 at 9:21 pm #459594anitaParticipantThinking about you this Friday night, Robi, hoping you are calmer, rested and more clear.
🌿 Anita
September 18, 2026 at 3:04 am #461019Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita,
I’ve disconnected once again from this forum… I’ve been absent for months. It bothers and fascinates me in the same time how easy it is to disconnect from the things that are facilitating my growth. Something in me is still stronger. Not every time, not in every aria of my life.. but when it comes to my growth.. surely there are many blockages.
I was telling my girlfriend the other day.. this past year has been really, really difficult. I feel as if this year has dimmed my light so much that I almost forgot about it. The same light that has found its courage to show itself, while I was living in Spain and was slowly getting to know myself has now dimmed almost completely. Comfort kills me. Comfort kills all of us.. slowly but surely. Of course I know that.. who doesn’t? It looks obvious if you put it in a different context. Show me a chair and I’ll tell you sitting on a floor is better for your back. Tempt me to binge-watch Netflix for 3 hours and I’d tell you I’d rather choose to go for a 3 hours nature walk. But here I am uncomfortably comfortable living in my parents house for over a year. I am now unemployed, almost no savings left and living in my parents house. I remember complaining about living in Warsaw, teaching english and not liking all that.. Well.. I find myself often saying I miss those days. I miss being my own person.
I guess I still am that person I’ve been before.. in Spain or Poland. Nothing has been truly lost. Otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this right now.. but Its all so damn rusty. Okay.. enough theatrics.
Thing is.. I gotta get a job. Throughout this year I kept looking for jobs in Warsaw and online but haven’t been very lucky. I don’t feel like getting a job here.. there’s a lot of shame in me and I find it very difficult to picture myself working in my hometown. I don’t want to be seen by many people who might know me working some low end job. Doesn’t make much sense to be honest.. the f*ck do I care about what people think of me. But the shame is there and it’s been there always. There is pressure from every angle to change. My parents are playing all kind of games with both me and my girlfriend. They want me to get a job. And that’s actually great! I want to get a job too.. my girlfriend wants me to get a job.. and so do you! Every single person I know probably wants me to get a job. So why the hell can’t I just get a job?
Not having a job has taken away so much from me. Although I get to enjoy more free time than most people, space to work with my body and mind, sleep as long as I want.. this has become toxic and it doesn’t serve me ( anymore ).
So, I gotta get a job.. and its pretty difficult to walk through the shame and blockages. It’s hard to start at the bottom when you’re 33. I wish I’ve done it when I was 23. I wish i’ve done it when I was 30.. or even a year ago. I know people do it all the time… some younger.. some older than me. Still, it’s difficult.Throughout the last months I’ve spent quite a lot of time with my girlfriend. I’ve been in Poland for about a month and after that she came here for quite a few weeks. It’s been good.. and I feel lucky and blessed to have her in my life. And my interests in other women.. I’m so glad nothing has happened with any other. I now see why I get disconnected from my girlfriend.. even from this forum and why its easy to look elsewhere and think it feels right. And.. it might feel right.. but not for my growth.. not for my becoming closer to myself.. closer to that light that wants to come out.
I have everything I need.. I just don’t know how to use it with confidence and patience. And.. to be honest.. I don’t exactly feel like cultivating confidence and learn how to patiently take each step knowing that it’s taking me home.. even if at times it might not look like things are moving at all. No one has taught me how to do that.. schooling system doesn’t do that.. obviously. As for my parents.. well..
I guess I don’t have much of an option but to jump. I gotta get a job. I’m thinking something more physical and dynamic.. something that can provide me with money quickly and there is not much learning period needed. I gotta get moving fast.
I’m thinking maybe driving.. or working somewhere in some warehouse.. I just don’t feel like having a very public – connecting to many people kind of job. As I said.. I feel a lot of shame around being seen by others performing low end jobs… so maybe its okay not to have too much of a spotlight for now. Of course I could just go all the way and fight this demon all the way.. maybe get the most exposure I can get.. but what for? What I need is to get unstuck. Also.. I’m quite tired emotionally.. It would be like leg day at the gym after having just finished a marathon.So… unless some good opportunity comes from Warsaw.. and I can go work there and live with my girlfriend.. for now, I gotta get a job here. She’ll be coming to see me every month for a few days, maybe for a week.. and I’ll also need to be moving out. We’ve decided not to be in this house together anymore. I’ll be seeing my girlfriend in different circumstances than these here.
Today I’ll be asking around friends.. maybe they could provide me with some clarity around what jobs I could rely on for building my financial independence.. Who knows? Maybe it won’t be that difficult after all.Okay.. now I feel quite heavy and drained. It only shows me how heavy these words are for me right now. I’ll be writing here soon 🙂
Let me know how you’ve been these months. How’s the beagle? They are quite a handful and require a lot of attention but very rewarding – like a Ferrari. And.. Anita.. you were right. You were right all this time when you’ve told me not to come back here. I hate the fact you were right though and I thought I knew better than to fall into this trap..Damn it!
Take good care of yourself 🙂
RobiSeptember 18, 2026 at 11:31 am #461025anitaParticipantGood Friday morning (here), Friday night for you, Dear Robi 🙂
I’ll be surprized if we didn’t talk before about the Flight-Fight-Freeze (the 3 Fs) animal response to threat by now. We must have..?
Animals, when threatened, by a predator, let’s say, will either run away (flight), fight, or- when the first 2 Fs are blocked, they Freeze, otherwise known as playing dead, because if they play dead, the predator might leave them alone.
Playing dead may look easy to do from the outside because the animal is not doing anything externally, but to the animal itself, it’s exhausting because it’s scared and it takes a whole lot of energy to suppress the natural instinct to run away or to fight.
People are animals, so we too follow the same rule: if the first 2 options aren’t available to us, we freeze.
And freezing is exhausting.
Going back in time for a moment: when the boy Robi lived in the storage room behind a glass door through which your parents could see you at any time, and through which they entered any time they wanted- without your permission or invitation, they were a threat to your natural need to assert and develop your autonomy (to learn how to say: I need my privacy! I need the glass door covered, I need you to knock and ask for my permission before entering!)
You couldn’t physically fight the intruders (your parents) at a young age, had nowhere to run away to, so you Froze, minimizing the computer screen at one point on, and minimizing-freezing your own psychological self.
Same with when you had to wait for hours at their workplace every day even though you hated it. Your need to develop and practice autonomy was blocked.
Fast forward to your post today, following a year of living with your parents, you wrote:
“I feel as if this year has dimmed my light so much that I almost forgot about it. The same light that has found the courage to show itself (in Spain)”-
That’s the Freeze response, the playing dead, light dimming.
In Spain, for awhile, you shook off the Freeze.
“Comfort kills me”- playing dead/ Freezing looks easy from the outside, and I guess you get used to it, so in a sense it feels comfortable like anything we get used to, but it’s exhausting and life dimming.
I’m using my phone and don’t want to somehow lose this message, so I will continue in the next post.
🤔 Anita
September 18, 2026 at 11:51 am #461027anitaParticipantContinued: “So, why the hell can’t I just get a job?”-
Frozen and exhausted is what I figure.
“I’m quite tired emotionally.. it would be like leg day at the gym after having just finished a marathon”-
Tired emotionally, like a marathon, because Freezing is exhausting. Not practicing autonomy is exhausting.
“I have everything I need”- except for a sense of autonomy thawing out of the Freeze and developing?
The beagle is fine. He too needs to practice his autonomy. That’s why it often looks like he’s taking me on a walk vs me taking him on a walk: he decides the direction and the pace 🐕🚶♀️
I didn’t respond to everything you shared. Please let me know your reactions to my 2 responses so far, and what you want to talk more about.
🐕🚶♀️Anita
September 21, 2026 at 1:15 pm #461063Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita,
I took some time to digest all you’ve wrote to me on Friday. Indeed.. Yes.. Frozen and exhausted indeed. It feels right when I read it.. feels right when I think about it.. even more if I talk about it. ” Freezing is exhausting. Not practicing autonomy is exhausting ” – exactly that.
Thank you!
These days I’ve been talking to people I know here.. in hope to find out more about possible jobs I could take. There are a few options already. I could work in that cafe I like here ( although not sure yet ), I could drive an Uber or I could work as a courier. Part of my wants to take whichever pays the most.. But I could also use a more chilled environment, working with people I like, listening to nice music and making coffee. Part of me wants to ease into it with self compassion and the other feels like Rocky preparing for the fight with Apollo. You know… eating raw eggs in the morning, going for a run, punching those pieces of meat at the meat locker.
I don’t yet know what I’m going to do. So far I’ve been talking to people and asking for suggestions. But the thing is I’m so fed up with my current situation.. and I need to change it. I feel quite overwhelmed with the way I feel, the way my parents are pressuring me.. with having to find work here.. with having to find work which doesn’t look very fulfilling.
But I gotta do something.What do you think about this? What do you think I should do?
Robi
September 21, 2026 at 2:00 pm #461065anitaParticipantDear Robi: good to read back from you! It’s exciting to me that real-life Robi pressed the “Submit” in Romania exactly.. 45 minutes ago (by the time I submit this message).
By the way, after I sent you the last message, I read that the Freeze state is like pressing the gas pedal and the brake pedal at the same time. It’s like holding a car in place while the engine is revving loudly inside. (That’s why it’s so exhausting).
While Fight or Flight is like pressing only the gas pedal. You use the energy, then the system can shut down and rest. I thought you’d appreciate the imagery being that you love cars. I’ll write more tonight. (Midnight now in Romania, 2 pm here)
🏎️ Anita
September 21, 2026 at 8:12 pm #461071anitaParticipantDear Robi:
I’m using my phone, so, I’ll be scrolling up and down as I reply.
“What do you think I should do?”- work in that Cafe you like. It’s the best place to Thaw the Freeze- because you like the place and the job, and you have the experience (Alicante).
Driving an uber or being a courier will make more money but it’ll involve too much pressure/ stress for a thawing.
Your best choice of a job at this time- is simply one where you can relax.. and thaw.
Rocky preparing for the fight with Appollo, as I remember the movie, he was running to the top of a mountain (or was it a hill, ha- ha) with dramatic, inspiring music cheering him on.. well- on the screen- it all lasted TWO HOURS, or less.
You, on the other hand, have too many hours, weeks and months to fill in so to fit that energy. (If a movie lasted that long, there wouldn’t be anyone watching it).
“I miss being my own person”- that as a goal: Autonomy, Robi taking the steering wheel and pushing the gas pedal, slowly at first, but steadily, day after day.
Maybe when you’re stalled in life (the last year), the idea of going Rocki, or speeding on the highway (visible success that everyone can see) is very tempting.. and would’ve been perfect, if we lived in a 2-hour movie.
Actually, Robi, you’d be my movie star 🙂 if you resolve to take an easy, relaxing job, take it slow and steady, sooner than later, move out of living with your parents (for good)..
Gentle on the gas pedal, brake when you need to slow down, or change direction.
This is all I have for you this evening, but please, let’s keep talking.
🌿 Anita
September 22, 2026 at 4:34 am #461075Robi1992ParticipantDear Anita,
Indeed you are right – it is like pressing both the gas pedal and brake at the same time.
I do that.. for sure. Funny thing is.. I even do it in a car when driving fast sometimes. That’s a racing technique called left foot braking. Braking in order to improve traction on the front wheels while exiting a corner. By tapping the brake in a corner the front end gets a little more downforce – therefore more traction. However, full throttle is needed in order for it to work well. If only I could apply this principle to my current life situation, I’d be more than fine. I’d be powerfully accelerating while making sure I have optimum traction to make sure I won’t slip 🙂Anyway! I got a little carried away :)) but I like these analogies.
Café sounds tempting indeed.. but I’m also afraid of getting ”stuck” in a comfy, easy job. I was thinking harder physical jobs would pay better – therefore I could be out of here quicker. ( out of my parents house / out of Romania if something else aligns in Warsaw ). I am still applying for work there also.. and I think Warsaw and living with my girlfriend would serve much better right now than small town Romania, closer to my parents. I feel I need to be independent again.. to be somewhere where I can be further away from my childhood.
Ah.. its all a bit sad and complicated.. This really sucks that it has to be like this…I don’t know.. let’s see. I keep applying here and there.. asking around.. It’ll work out. This time I gotta get moving.. can’t afford not to 🙂
As for Rocky.. yeah.. I wouldn’t wanna go full power for too long.. Only if I knew exactly what I wanted and needed to go full power for a bit in order to get there. But so far, I don’t have such level clarity. But I’m thirsty for that.. I’m thirsty for commitment to something that feels right – to something I truly believe in. Until then.. might just make coffee and play around with my dj-ing at the Café. If they do hire me. Don’t know yet 🙂
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