Forum Replies Created
-
Dear anita
I still have hope. I’ve never lost my hope and I know some day things are going to be much better. Even If I am not taking much effort towards getting there I am sure I will get much better and stronger on the way. In the last year I felt this urge to get better and dedicate a big part of my life to help others also looking for answers. Since I don’t really function, first I need to get myself back up. Well… just up.
When 2017 started I felt like things got so much better and I somehow forgot about all my struggles. I started being much more social, having much more things to do, doing sports, partying a lot and meeting new people every day and easily connecting with everyone. I also had my great relationship I wanted so much for so long. I was very happy and confident.. I was just walking on the street and smile.. it was like something inside of me changed and I was running a different version of myself. I even cared much less about what other people think of me.. Because I was finally feeling myself. And I was finally happy with who I am. It felt like I couldn’t fall back where I was before.. But I did. This only lasted for around 2 months.. and when I got back from my Erasmus year.. I did fall back.. maybe even lower. It’s like I had a demo of how my life could be.
Therapy
After coming back home in March I started seeing a therapist. I wanted to get back up so much.. Things started to feel really bad and I was sure I am depressed, depersonalized or bipolar. A lot of Google-ing and watching Tedx Talks happened so I kind of labeled the way I felt.
She was nice. She was listening and also talking a lot to me. Felt like a conversation between two friends but I cannot say I was completely comfortable opening myself in some areas. For example, I never told her I was suffering so much from being single and having no physical interaction for about 3 years. That felt like the end of the world for me back then.. and It felt like everyone but me was doing that. I felt like a freak. We never came across that subject.. Maybe I would’ve said it. I don’t really know. I was completely honest with her and I wanted her help.. So I basically did and told her whatever she wanted to know.
However we spoke a lot about my parents and my childhood, my passion for photography and others, my university years, my relationship with my girlfriend and the fact I was looking for a job at the moment and I wasn’t getting anywhere with it. The first two times It felt like we are not on the same page at all.. and it felt like she is not really getting what I’m trying to express. I was surprised later to find out that she did actually get me and she really paid close attention. Right than I regained trust.. and I felt like this is working.
As I told you above, I was waiting for a diagnosis. I expected myself to be either depressed, depersonalized or bipolar. Or all together if that’s even possible. Her diagnosis wasn’t coming and that made me feel like she’s ignorant or she’s not trying at all to help me. So I told her.. I feel like I might be mentally sick.. I told her I was expecting a diagnosis.. I told her I needed something to point my finger at.. because so far, I didn’t know anything.. I was just talking. So she gave me a test which consisted in a sheet of paper filled with questions like: I feel angry / sad / unmotivated / all kinds of feelings … once a week / sometimes / every day.. You get the idea. I filed it and next day went back to her. It felt like she only gave me the test because I asked her what’s wrong with me.. I guess there was no need for the test in her opinion at least.
She said:
” You are not sick. You want to be sick. Sadly for you, you are a healthy person. ”
I felt somehow relieved to hear that but in the same time even more layer of fog added. After she checked the test she gave me she said I tend to be socially anxious and I am not depressed. She did say I have a tendency towards depression but right now there is nothing wrong with me except for not knowing what I want to do with my life and having a direction / a path / a goal.
What I understood from her answer.. I want to be sick. I am stopping myself from taking any kind of action. I want to be sick so I have the reason to do nothing.
I last seen the therapist in December 2017. Since then, I started my first job which ended after one month, I kept going to interviews but nothing really worked out. I didn’t want to do much so basically that was the main reason. Some of them could’ve worked well.. but I always found reasons not to start working. Indeed few times I actually started working, like a few days to try it out but eventually they didn’t take me..
Since then, I still felt anxious, sad, unbalanced, bored and stuck in a loop. My girlfriend kept telling me every day I should start working or at least learning her language so we can both go to her country together. For some reason… I just fail at doing anything.. It’s like I want something but I keep forgetting about it every day.. I cannot keep doing something.
Thank you so much, for reading all this and showing interest in my story. This means a lot to me and I wish I could give back to you in some way. I am very grateful!
