Dear anita

Well… What you just said feels right. It feels like I got much closer to the problem. Indeed I think I am in the habit of waiting.. And its going to be difficult to get out of this. Maybe a job could help.. Or even going abroad with the girlfriend. Maybe if I take a more brutal action like leaving and needing to find a job would make me do things.

Its scary how accurate your feedback is.. I think you are right with what you said to me.

P. S: do you think would be better to gain some distance from my parents? Hopefully to be financially independent and also seing them less..?

Dear anita

This is the first time when I can truly say I started to identify the source of my struggles. When I decided to write here I taught I will find such complex insights. It really seems like you got it right. I think you are very gifted and you have a very sharp sense of understanding.

Indeed It really seems like I am doing the same thing I’ve always done. Even If I already wrote that in other words, It took someone else to point that to me.  I think I am living again what I was living for all my childhood. I suppose that is also the source for my social anxiety symptoms. I was never very open, but weirdly enough I was. It always depended on the people around me at that moment. You know those indian totem poles? Well.. its something like that. When I meet someone who ( by my level of understanding and judging people ) seems better in some way than me ( let’s say on a higher level )  I tend to be nervous. On the other hand, if the opposite happens I can be quite self confident and even charming. Than I feel in control and I tend to dominate. I might even fall in the other extreme.

” This anger needs to be addressed before you can un-trap yourself, free yourself from the habit of waiting. ”

I am not sure what addressed means in this context. I sadly don’t really know what to do about it by now.

I noticed I feel much better and I temporarely feel like my struggles are gone if I have something to do. For example If I have a very busy day and I feel like I’m doing something everything seems to be fine and I have a feeling of fulfillment and happiness. But I don’t have very busy days. I don’t need to be anywhere and I don’t need to wake up in the morning for a specific reason. I feel like I need to wake up in the morning and go somewhere with a purpose and have a routine that keeps me alive. I did have a routine in school and even high school, when I had to go somewhere every day. Sometimes it was school sometimes It was a coffee shop skipping classes. I was always doing something.. but now it feels like every day just repeats itself and I’m asking the same questions over and over again.

My girlfriend its telling me every day I need to change. She keeps telling me every day I should find a way to stand on my own feet, learn german ( since we spoke about moving to her country ), clean more and be less impulsive and aggressive. I am not aggressive in a physical way but I tend to get very angry when we fight. She does as well. Indeed I sometimes insult her without realizing it at the moment. I always regret and apologize but that’s the only thing I do. I don’t change anything. I talk a lot but I don’t really do.  It’s frustrating… I really want to change those things but I simply postpone it every time like I keep forgetting about it. It might seem like I don’t care..  Once my therapist told me I don’t care about anything. But I think I do. Otherwise I guess I wouldn’t feel bad about not changing.

I need to do something to feel like I’m getting somewhere.. and it’s hard because there is a lot of resistance.

Thank you so much for listening!

Dear anita

I tried before to have a routine.. Doing sports, learning German,  reading a book.. But it never really worked for long.. It feels like I got comfortable being uncomfortable.. Sometimes it makes sense to do nothing but I end up regretting it.

Today Ive obly done my cardio exercises and now I’m going to repair my car. Later on we attend to a friend’s graduation ceremony.. Not much.. And one more day passed.. Doing nothing constructive.

1. Dear anita

Thank you so much for your appreciation towards my way of thinking. Its been a while since I received such compliment.

I tried to take yesterday to think a litle about what to do but I felt anxious and angry at everyone. I keep getting angry at my girlfriend aswell .. Day after day. It really feels like I want to isolate myself and be by myself. I feel overwhelmed by society and I sometimes feel like I don’t fit anywhere.

You know..  I keep feeling like I should just disappear. Go somewhere new and just start a new life. Just leave everything behind. I don’t know if that is my answer… But im afraid I’ll move to Germany and I will keep fighting with her over and over..

F*uck!!!  is there any area wich actually works fine in my life?!

I know it’s going to be fine.. I will be great.. But I’m so tired of waiting..

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Robi1992.

Dear anita

What I mean, is that I know I will overcome all this at some point, and my life will be great. But Its a very long process.. And I lost my patience..

Dear anita

It’s been a few weeks now since I wrote here. Not much changed but in the same time it did. My girlfriend left to Germany a few weeks earlier than planned.. She’s been invited to her godmother’s birthday so she left earlier. In the last weeks we broke up for 2 days because we we’re fighting a lot. We eventually got back together during her last week here. We tried to fix things but I guess it didn’t really work.

She left 5 days ago and we’ve been only talking a little bit since then.. I told her I will join her in Germany in autumn but I don’t know if that is what I want. I am so lost right now..  I have to find a job now and get on with my life.. But I don’t know what to do in the future. Somehow feels right to just let go of her and live my life.. In the same time I’m scared that I will regret breaking up with her.. Maybe I will realize I love her. Right now I don’t know If I do.. I don’t know if I actually miss her.. I just know I am lost and I don’t know what I want. Things don’t seem to work.. but we did our best to stay together. I am afraid that all this not being sure about loving her is related to me going trough a difficult time at the moment.. And I am afraid that I will regret breaking up when I will find myself.

I need a job. I need something to do. I need to immerse myself in something. But I am so scared of moving on with my life.. I want to work but in the same time I don’t want to. I have a job offer in a coffee shop and today I’m going to find more options. I keep asking myself If I will stay here or go to Germany.. I wish I could be more present.  Two weeks ago I started praying and going to church. I guess I was never the religious guy.. I was more of a guy who makes fun of religion and all that. I used to say it’s bullshit and manipulation. A friend of mine advised me to try it and I do that.. I guess out of despair I could try everything to help myself.

I am hurt. I am scared and I am lost..  I know it’s going to be fine and when I will find myself I will say it was worth the journey. 

Why is it so hard to let go of her? … Or is it letting go of myself ? 

Am I just scared to be alone again.. like I’ve been before for such a long time ? 

Am I scared I won’t find anyone else like her?

Am I scared I won’t find anyone else because my lack of confidence with girls? 

Am I scared I actually love her but I just don’t realize it? 

I am just.. scared. But I am strong !

Thank you !

Dear anita

I am waiting for the coffee shop manager to call me. She told me she will schedule me for a ” test ” for one day to see if I like the job. I applied to be a waiter.. It’s a big place with a lot going on. Even if it’s not easy I am taking small steps. Two days ago I found 2 job offers ( the coffee shop and a print shop which I don’t really like because its pretty much about spending the day on a computer sitting.. I guess the waiter job would be more helpful for me in order to build better social skills and be more active ) Yesterday I had an interview on Skype with a car rental company but it’s going to take a while until I will know any answer from them.. So right now I need to find something fast. I  don’t want to wait anymore.. I’ve been doing that for too long now.

I still feel overwhelmed.. sometimes I feel like crying.. like right now.. I am fighting it as much as I can.. This morning I went for a walk with the dog in the park.. I also run almost every morning with him for about 3-5 kilometers.

I don’t really know what I feel anymore about my girlfriend.. I think I miss her.. I somehow know that things didn’t really work and very often I felt really uncomfortable and frustrated around her (  mainly because things didn’t have the same taste anymore  ). Since she left last week we only spoke a few times.. and we’ve been quite distant..

She is mad at me.. not just for me not being very nice to her when she was here..

Her grand-grandmother died a few days ago.. It didn’t come as a surprise, they all knew it’s going to happen soon. She texted me a few days ago telling me that.. I.. replied by expressing my condolences towards her and her family and I said I hope they will get over it as easy as possible. I didn’t really know what to say to those things..

After around one day.. she told me that I didn’t ask her how she is and how she feels about that. She was disappointed in me not being there for her and not showing interest. I apologized and we went on with our conversation.  After a while she texted me: ” You realize that you still didn’t ask me ”

To be honest It felt awkward to ask her that right away after she told me she expected me to ask her those things.. It just felt awkward to ask right away… So I wanted to do it later.  That text she gave me repeated for 2 more days.. somehow forcing me to ask her. I called her but she didn’t pick up so I asked her in a text. I asked her how she feels, and I told her I am there for her if she needs me. I also told her I miss her.  She later texted me that we could talk tonight if I am free.

So I guess we’ll talk tonight..

The thing is.. I somehow feel like I am starting a new life.. New job, new people around, I am alone and have time for only myself.. But in the same time I miss her.. I am somewhere between. I also think I could restart my life somewhere else as well.. like go to Spain and live there since I liked it so much.. But there is always a point when I think… maybe I should stay with her and try to build a healthy relationship together.

I guess I do miss her… even If I feel tension towards her because of the way I felt around her lately.

It so complicated when you don’t even know what you feel.. or what you actually want. Is there anything worse than this emptiness? …

Thank you