Hello !

I’m about to tell you a story. My story. A story about my life so far and my struggles. I’m quite sure I’m a terrible writer and my English is not great but I’ll do it anyway. Like most of you here I am looking for an answer and I decided to fully open myself to you strangers. I guess there is no better way to explain my struggles than telling you how I got here. I’m going to try to be quick even if I already have the feeling It’s going to be a very long post. I guess I have a lot on my chest..

I’m a  25 years old guy I living in Europe and I’m supposed to be a photographer. Well technically I am, because I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree in that field but actually I am not doing anything in that direction. I am not doing anything at all in general and I guess I’ve been pretty much always like this. As a kid I’ve spent most of my time on my pc and that lasted until the beginning of 2017 when I decided to spend more time doing more productive things and actually start living ( well that’s when things started to feel worse ). I will tell you everything about me and it’s going to be a lot. So bare with me.

Early school life

In school I was never interested in much of the subjects and I just wanted time to pass. I felt  really mediocre compared to most of my classmates. Everyone seemed to have better skills in school than I did, but mainly because I was never interested in studying or having any good results. I used to study enough to pass my exams. I wasn’t interested in much.. Back then I was also studying piano next to my regular studies, a subject I was focusing a lot more about.  I was quite confident in that area. I was also a shy person all the time and I guess I rarely got much attention. I used and I still use to open myself quite slow especially when It comes to new people.  I’ve been spending a lot of time on my PC playing games and on all kinds of chatrooms and messengers. My secondary school and highschool we’re all about going to school ( quite often skipping classes or just being there doing everything else but paying attention). I used to come back home after, start my PC and did that until the end of the day. My parents used to sometimes tell me to do my homework but I almost never did it or cared about it. It didn’t really feel like a part of my life. So.. Responsabilities weren’t something I liked at all.

I’ve never really liked my parents that much. Well… when I was really young ( kindergarden young ), I used to cry everytime they took me there and I used to love spending a lot of time with them but I guess things changed on the way.  I began not really liking them or respecting them that much. One of the things I hated about them was the fact that in secondary school, after my courses I had to go to their workplace and spend the day there with them until they finish and go home together. I didn’t like that. I wasn’t really doing anything but existing there. I was basically waiting. idling. ( well… I’m not so surprised not that much changed now ).

Highschool – photography and love

A good part of highschool is discovering photography. Even if I was already into visual arts, photography was something new and exciting and I felt really confident about it. So my parents bought me my first dslr camera. Good things happened! I started photographing girls and cars and I liked it. I was good ( at least that’s how I felt and others feedback ). So that gave me a much better status, I became more popular and confident. People used to love my photographs and I really liked photographing girls. I don’t really know If that was my actual passion happening or I just liked the status being a photographer who shoots girls gave me. I was still a shy and insecure guy but this time I was able to put on a different kind of ”mask”.  Looking back, I don’t know If that was my actual passion or just an act to get more attention. I did photography for like 2 years in highschool but I was almost never able to earn any money with it. I guess I lacked the confidence to make offers and I was afraid of rejection. I mostly did it for free and when things felt like they are getting more serious I used to back off.  I decided to pursue photography as a profession so I aimed to start arts uniersity. They have a photography and video department. It was an easier choice since I was quite good at it.. And it felt far better than becoming a doctor or an architect (  my parent’s plans ).

I also had my first serious relationship during highschool. She was beautiful and smart. We met while skipping courses. We met in a coffee shop. She was my first sexual partner and for about a year and something things were great. We spent a lot of time together, we used to stay over to my house or her parents house, go to places together and almost all the time sleeping next to eachother. Things moved fast, maybe too fast. She was also a great model so I was learning a lot about portrait photography with her. I experimented a lot.. As I said, things were great for a while but eventually got worse. We started fighting more and more and I realised I was quite needy. I cared a lot about her but in the same time It felt like things won’t work anymore. Highschool was about to end and I got accepted into Arts school in a new and big city. On the other hand, my girlfriend got accepted somewhere else. It was quite far and it ment there is going to be a long distance relationship. We tried, it worked.. For a while.

University – not quite what I taught it’s going to be

One month to be precisse. She broke up with me. She said it’s not working anymore. It hurt.. but in the same time I knew it’s the way it should be. I cried, I called, I hated, I blocked her on social media. Months passed in my new city with new friends and things to do. The only problem was I wasn’t really doing much. I was basically going to school, coming back home to my computer and do more or less the same I used to do. I used to go out with friends but I always felt awkward and shy. They all seemed to be more confident and just seemed to function better. I wanted to go talk to girls so much and have a new girlfriend but I felt to shy and I didn’t find enought courage. I felt like I was  missing out.. and I  was. After 5 months of being single and not having any kind of interaction except talking or maybe flirting a bit with any girl, my ex girlfriend texted me. She said she missed me.

I’m pretty sure you could easily guess what I did. Yes.. I did. I got back with her.

For a few days, things felt good, felt good to have her back.. felt good to have me back together somehow. It gradually came back to the stage we left it months ago.. we we’re still fighting but trying. I was insecure.. I was getting mad at her for having a few sexual partners while we’ve been apart for 5 months. I guess I was mainly mad at myself for not having the courage to have any.. But that was the way I manifested it. It felt terrible.. I was mad, so frustrated but needy in the same time. This happened for a few more months… 5 more. It ended when again at the end of summer when I realised she wasn’t honest with me. I started being suspicious.. She told me she’s seeing one of her girlfriends but her texts we’re pointing in another direction. I know.. I should be ashamed..  I had her messenger password and I checked her messages.

So.. she cheated on me. I read it in her texts. And I told her. I told her I’ve read everything but she lied to my face. I ended it and even in those circumstances it was hard to do it. I was afraid of being alone. It felt good breaking up with her.. It felt like I did the right thing. But I was so disappointed.

I went back to my university life and back to my old life of doing nothing. School wasn’t interesting even if it was the subject I chose to study. I wasn’t really interested, I wasn’t really present and even if I knew I was better skilled than most of my colleagues and even teachers.. I was still on the mediocre side. I wasn’t making any effort again. Feels like my studies made me loose my passion for photography so much. Everything was at such a superficial level and the courses we’re a joke.I was the same I was in secondary school and high school. I made a few friends in university but at the end of the day I used to get back to my comfortable chair in front of my screen. I was going out for beers and partying but I always felt awkward doing those things.. I was terrible at dancing and I was definitely terrible at talking to girls. The interesting fact is that I was always trying to wear a mask.. I was always acting like I am confident and I have a lot going in my life. I was acting like my dating life is great. At least in front of my friends.. I didn’t want them to know how things actually are. I was very unhappy.. And I was very lonely.

I think the hardest part is the one I’m about to tell you right now..

One year passed.. two passed.. Even three years passed.

Nothing changed.

I was doing the same thing..  school / computer / sleep

I still had no girlfriend or any kind of interaction except talking. It felt horrible… I felt like I would like to be with anyone.. only if someone would do all the steps for me. Sometimes I found myself ”falling in love” just after having one conversation with a nice girl..  That used to mean more than it should’ve for me. It felt like I’m such a freak..  Not even having sex in all that time felt like I am such a failure.. it felt like everyone else was having it.. And I guess pretty much everyone around me did.  I was jealous on my friends having girlfriends.. I was becoming a bad person in that respect.. It felt like i’m keeping such a big secret… it felt like I’m the only one going through something like this.. I just accepted this somehow.. And I cannot understand why.. I did nothing for it.. I did nothing for myself. I just watched myself tearing apart. I just existed. It was hard.. It it hard to talk about it right now to be honest.. it wasn’t really that long ago..

One think I would like to mention… there was one friend of mine.. 10 years older than me.. He seemed to be so similar to me and we connected really good. We started hanging out a lot together and at that time it felt like a good friendship. For 2 years, maybe a little more we used to spend almost all nights together driving around and smoking weed. He was smoking since 15 years or something… and I just started.. and somehow I liked it. It was an escape.. but I later realised that It wasn’t a good one. I spent so many nights like that.. waking up the next day in the afternoon, eating something, eating, maybe watch a movie and in the night go out with him again.. This happened almost every day. It was a lot. I don’t really know why I did that.. it wasn’t that fun at all… because both of us tended to be even more introverted when high.. So we weren’t really talking that much. We we’re just driving around.. listening to music.. smoking weed until the sun was up. He was complaining a lot about his life.. about society these days… You see… He was really like me.. He wasn’t working or earning any money.. he was living on hi’s parents money.. like I was. He was just stuck in a loop every day… complaining about his life and making plans but not taking any actions. We we’re much alike.. except the 10 years age difference.  He stopped talking to me because he is very paranoid and he thinks I’m working undercover for the police. I guess it’s better that way.. at least for me. I somehow feel like he had a bad influence on me.. somehow feels like having that kind of schedule every night made me stop having an actual normal life..

There is one thing I know and I’m afraid about..  I don’t want to be like him in the future. I don’t want to look at myself in 10 years and be like he is today. And somehow I feel like I’m on the exact same path..

I decided to leave..

I started my master’s. I guess the main reason was so I can go on Erasmus scholarship for a year abroad. I wanted to escape. I wanted to change.

I always wanted to live somewhere next to the sea.. somewhere warm and nice. Somewhere with latin music and good food. Somewhere mediteranean. I had two options on my list. Italy and Spain.

I went to Spain.

Arriving somewhere.. but not here.

Spain was so beautiful.. I was living in this small city on the mediteranean coast. It had a nice beautiful beach close to my apartment, it had palmtrees everywhere and it was so multi-cultural. Everyone was there. I started meeting a lot of people from everywhere with all kinds of stories.  It was my first experience living abroad.. The guy who spent his time doing nothing most of the time had difficult times connecting with people there aswell. I expected that..  Well.. I knew that.

I started a new life there… I started running in the morning, going to school, coming back home, cooking, going outside at the beach and for walks. I was indeed more active.. But yet still alone. It wasn’t different… After few months I was all ready spending most of my time on my computer instead of going out and party like any other erasmus student. I could’ve out so much more with people… I could’ve went to more parties.. I could’ve met girls and actually tried something. I was still on those 3 years without sex thing.. which trust me.. felt like the end of the word.. I felt like a looser. There we’re some girls interested to me in those years.. But I found them unnatractive… they we’re the ones who would’ve actually done the steps I should’ve.

So months passed, I felt much better in Spain than home. I started to feel good there and make friends.. Even if I was still socially anxious. I actually discovered this term there when I downloaded a book about how to overcome shynnes and social anxiety. I tried to ”repair myself” after reading the book but I failed… I couldn’t really keep myself motivated to try.. It’s like I kept forgetting about it.. You can imagine I was even more frustrated being there but still not being able to change the way things where..  It was my third year of numbness and loneliness.. I felt hopeless. But I was hiding all that under a mask of a succesful and charismatic guy.. At least that’s how I think I looked.

I turned 24 there.. I had guests and a small party.. The guests where mostly guys.. I didn’t have much girlfriends.. Well.. I actually did.. but I wasn’t brave enough to ask them to join. It felt good anyway.. I had friends.. Even if I was somewhere new and my life there started only a few months ago..  I felt somehow proud of at least being able to have 20 people over for my birthday. It felt good at the end.. Right after, Christmas came. I spent it with some friends from Uk, a Syrian and a Spanish. It was good.. But very vegetarian.. something I wasn’t used to. ( but me and the syrian took care of it the next day and we ordered 2 big stakes ).

So.. I’m sitting here outside in front of the church.. hundreds of people around. Me and my friends we’re waiting with champaine in our hands.. 3..2..1.. Happy new years. It was 2017.. And my first taught was how much I would like my life to change and get normal or at least better.. How nice It would be to meet someone.. someone I could love and be there with..

January – a glimpse of something good

Woke up the next day.. quite hangover but motivated and went outside. I really wanted to go eat something on the beach.. and just.. think about life and this new year.  I bought food and went to the beach.. It was a nice day. Very sunny and warm.. not too much people on the beach.. it was really beautiful. Interesting enough, a girl from my country which used to be my coleague in school was walking along the beach. My first instinct was to hide.. so she won’t see me. And I did. It was a big coincidence for us to meet there.. But maybe it’s better we didn’t. I guess she would’ve influenced the whole script..

After hours of thinking again about how much I would like things to change and how this year will be better.. I decided to leave the beach. And I did. But things changed completely.

Well..

I was leaving the beach and there was this girl taking a photograph of the beach.. she just arrived there. We looked at each other and smiled.. I was too shy to go straight to her and talk to her. I was hating myself for that. She moved somewhere else and started playing with someone’s kid.. I was still looking at her.. I went for a walk around but I kept her in sight.. I kept telling myself I should go there and say something ! She got moving again towards me and we crossed paths.. but I still did nothing.. It felt like she also wanted to do the same thing.. I stopped somewhere and she passed me again and looked at me..

She stopped a few meters from me. She was watching the sunset..

I went there. I said Hola!

We started talking and switched to English.. she wasn’t from Spain.. She was just visiting someone for new years and she was about to leave in 4 days. I was so nervous that I ended up talking and talking.. she barely had time to say anything.. I told her about myself a lot.. about my passion for photography, cars, racing, and music. She was playing with her hair and told listened with much interest. She was laughing a lot and she seemed to enjoy the time with me. I wanted to see her again so I asked her when can we meet again. She said she’s meeting a friend.. the friend she is actually visiting here and if I want I could join.. but we can also meet tomorrow. I choose to meet her the next day.

I was thinking about her the whole day..

Next day we met on the beach again.. we walked and talked. It felt like we can really connect.. I wasn’t that nervous anymore and things started to feel right. She received a call from her friend and had to leave.. we walked back to the city and she left. We did decide to go hiking on a nice mountain the next day so things we’re looking good. I knew I’ll see her again.

I decided to text her and tell her I really enjoyed the time we spent and I’m looking forward to see her again the next day, when… she came up with an idea. She told me she and her friend are going out to have some drinks tonight and I should join them. Something I forgot to mention is the fact that the friend, was actually a guy. So I didn’t really know what’s happening between them..

I felt like hesitating.. for a while.. Called a friend.. Friend advised me to go..

So I did.

I was nervous. I knew something good is going on.. But I was confused.

I got tipsy and went out and met a friend of mine.. I didn’t want to go alone neither since she also had company.

By the time she texted back.. and told me where she is, I was already quite drunk. But It wasn’t a bad thing.. You see.. when I’m drunk I barely have any anxiety left..

So she texted and we went there… She was there with her friend and another guy I didn’t know. I didn’t care about them at all..

I just started talking to her for a bit.. It was dark and loud.. but somehow we we’re able to see and hear each other well enough.

I was really drunk.. by that point.. and I remember telling her I really like her and I would like to know more about her… At that point we we’re just starring at each other without saying anything.. we did that for a few seconds.. It felt much longer..

Boom. There was a Mojito slamed on the table by her furious friend.. who went to buy her a drink.

We both stopped.. didn’t really know what to say.. it was awkward.. And she kissed me. Short.. and left.

She left talking to him because he was mad..

I stayed there talking to my friend and the other guy I didn’t know..

She came back after a few minutes and told me she has to go with him because she has all her stuff at his place and she was visiting him… she didn’t want to go there.

I told her she could stay with me.. even if It might’ve sounded weird since she didn’t really know me.

I lost focus for a few moments I think because of the other guy who started to talk to me about something and got me mad..

Next think I know.. she was gone.. with her friend.

I felt hurt.. I got mad.. I went outside looking for her but couldn’t find her.. I punched a guy and a door.

Went home.

I woke up even more confused.. but somehow I felt good. It felt good to have things happening in your life.. even if they are not exactly the right ones.

She texted me to meet.. she wanted to say goodbye.. she was about to leave  the next day. I was mad..  We eventually decided to meet and we met again on the beach. We talked again, walked, .. but this time I asked her to come see my terrace. I had this beautiful terrace above my apartment building. Amazing views.. the sea.. the city.. the castle..

I opened a bottle of wine.. we started talking more and more about what we want and our views about a lot of things.. I wasn’t really interested in trying anything else again.. I knew she is leaving the next day and not much could work out.. So I guess that felt like the perfect excuse for my shyness to make the rules again. We finished the bottle and she missed a few calls from her friend.. I still didn’t know if there’s anything happening between them.. I was again.. very confused.. She said she wants to leave and I somehow felt like I failed again.. I did nothing..

I remember this moment in the elevator when we we’re going down from the terrace… there was this moment when I wanted to kiss her… But I didn’t. She left. I felt furious at myself.. again. I couldn’t sleep the whole night and I was blaming myself for not kissing her.  Earlier that night she said she can come over with some coffee tomorrow morning before she’s leaving so I decided to kiss her the next morning when we meet no matter what. I texted her right away then and I told her I want to be completely honest with her. I told her I really regret not kissing her that night. She replied ” Another chance tomorrow ”.

Next morning came.. I woke up and went for a walk.. I was nervous.. I was waiting for her text. She eventually texted and I was waiting across the street from my block. I saw her coming on the other side of the street.. she looked happy. I kept looking like her passing without doing anything and then I decided to surprise her and walk behind her ( not in a creepy way.. ) When I started walking towards her from across the street, she turned around and saw me.. like she knew I’m there. We both started smiling at each other from far away and I kept walking to her avoiding the incoming cars.

I went to her and just kissed her without saying anything. She acted a little surprised. It was beautiful but a little awkward in the same time.. I taught she didn’t wanted that to happen. We went and bought coffee and headed back to the terrace. We talked but I didn’t kiss her or hug her anymore.. I taught she doesn’t want that so I felt a little uncomfortable. After a while of being a little distant, she looked at me and smiled. She kissed me this time.

We kept kissing and hugging each other. What happened next was amazing.. We started to realize we share something special. It was unveiling from within. We we’re just riding whatever was pulling us.. It was so good and sad. She was about to leave in a few hours. Time passed so fast up there… She had to leave…

I walked with her towards her friend’s apartment where she had her luggage and she said she’ll go to the airport from there. I didn’t offer to go with her to the airport… I don’t understand why.. We we’re holding hands all the way there and we told each other we will keep contact and hopefully meet again. It felt like a story that will never work out..

So we kissed goodbye and she left… we we’re looking after each other while she was gaining distance. I felt so happy for something like that happening to me.. I finally felt alive.

I wanted to go home.. but I hesitated.. I wanted to smoke a cigarette ( even if I actually quit smoking on the 1st of Jan. – 4 days ago ).  So I went to this Russian little shop which happened to sell cigarettes and I bought myself one. I somehow hated myself for smoking again, but when I think about that now… Well.. If it wasn’t for me smoking that cigarette that day, again the whole course of actions would’ve been totally different. Bare with me. This was amazing.

My phone buzzed. She texted me. ” I already feel like something is missing ”. It felt the same for me so I told her. I decided to go home.. but on the way I was thinking about maybe changing clothes and go to the airport to see her, even If she is going to be with that guy ( still didn’t know anything about them… I never asked ).

While I was walking home asking myself what to do, I decided to take a different way home. I never walked home through there but for some reason I felt like going that way. After a few minutes I see her.. walking on the sidewalk with her luggage and friend. I just… stopped. we all did. I was looking at her and smiling. The guy said something to me but I didn’t care. I ignored him like he wasn’t there. She felt uncomfortable, I started talking to her but we didn’t kiss. She said.. let’s all go together to the bus stop.  We kept talking all the way to the bus stop but things we’re still awkward because of him being there. I was again confused but this time I didn’t care that much. We arrived there waiting for the airport transfer to arrive. We kept looking at each other smiling when she took off one of her bracelets and gave it to me. Her friend got mad but he also realized he should give us space. I didn’t expected him to do that but he did. He said he will leave, hugged her and left.

Things felt right. I felt happy. I felt really happy. Because I was going to spend 2 more hours with her until her plain will take off. We we’re so happy and we we’re holding hands all the way to the airport. I’ve never felt so happy. We arrived at the airport and we stood on the floor holding hands and staring at each other. We didn’t talk much for one hour. We we’re staring at each other smiling.. I’ve never experienced something like that and I could tell neither her. We kept saying how happy we feel and how sad in the same time. It was such a mix of feelings.. It was so much. We took pictures together, she gave me another bracelet which I could wear better and time was running out. We told each other that we’ll keep contact and meet again.We kissed and kept looking at each other until we lost sight.

From that day.. everything changed.

At least.. for a while.

I know that for some people these things might sound normal, but for me.. the way I met her at the beach, the way things happened, the way I met her again on the street so I was able to go with her to the airport, felt and still feel like magic. Feels like everything happened for a reason. It really felt and feels like something very special. I was so amazed right after she left.. I just couldn’t believe what happened to me.

I changed a lot about my lifestyle. Let’s call it a resolution. I started running, quit smoking, being active, social, having much more friends and parties to attend. I was living the time of my life. I was getting drunk almost every night but it felt good. I was skypeing with my girlfriend in the day time and partying in the night. We use to talk for hours.. we basically got to know each other online.. we only met in Spain for 4 days. We used to quite often fall asleep on Skype and wake up the next morning with the call still on.. We we’re basically living together with the use of technology. I felt so good that period of time.. the whole month of January. Things we’re really good. With only about 2 months to go until my year abroad it’s going to end, I was finally making the best of my life.

But I did some mistakes.

Even if I was happy with my ” new life ” I was still frustrated.. I was still alone, I was still not having anything physical with a girl.. she was on a screen and far away and I was still the same.. I wanted to use this period of things going well to meet girls.. I was meeting a lot of girls lately but I use to always come back home to my screen. Well one night I didn’t.

I met this asian girl in a bar and things seemed to work quite easy.. I always wanted to do these things.. So I went with it. We had a few drinks and we kissed in the club. It felt good and I felt somehow like a man. In the same time, its true.. I felt guilt.. But It felt like I’ve been waiting years to be able to do this.. so I didn’t give up. I wanted to know how is it to do these things. How is it to meet someone in a club and take her home and have sex. I felt like I missed out so much.. I felt like now having a girlfriend maybe I won’t be able to do any of these things which I never did.

She didn’t come home with me. She said she is on her period.

I could’ve backed up right then.. but I didn’t. I knew what I wanted and now I knew I can do it. I wasn’t afraid anymore.

I met her the next day, and we kissed again, went partying again.. I came home with her but she was too drunk.. So I decided we should just sleep. I didn’t wanted her to do anything without being fully conscious. We slept, and next day she just left.

We kept texting and meeting until one night when things worked out. We had some drinks, we went to my place, we had more wine and we had sex. I felt guilty but in the same time I felt like I have to do this. I somehow didn’t want to miss out. I didn’t want my erasmus experience to be so empty.. I wanted to live like erasmus students. We had sex and she stayed over. The next morning we woke up and acted like we we’re dating..

The fact that makes me feel even worse about it it the fact my girlfriend was about to come visit me there in a few days.So I guess I could’ve just waited for her instead of cheating. But I guess cheating is what I wanted. And to be honest I always liked asian girls.

So my girlfriend came to see me and I acted normally..  It was February. We had 4 great days and we didn’t really had sex. She was on her period. It was great having her back there.. even If I did some mistakes.. I loved her. After she left I kept wanting to meet the asian but things didn’t work out anymore. She knew I have a girlfriend and she didn’t want to continue seeing me. She did the right thing I guess.. I was the asshole.

After one month of of parties and having fun my year abroad was ending. I was about to go back home and see what happens. I left and came back to finish my master’s. I felt lost and I didn’t know what to do anymore.. I started feeling depressed and sad.more and more sad.

After a few weeks of being in my country my girlfriend came to visit for a week.. She wanted to know more about me.. We spent a great week together around the country, going from place to place.. She even met my parents and stayed two nights there.. She said she would like to come here for a while after she’ll finish her bachelor’s so I should find her an internship here so she can do erasmus as a graduate student. So I started looking for that. I really wanted this to work. I wanted us to be together.

We kept skypeing the same way, literally sleeping in front of our laptops..

But she did it aswell

One night.. she gave me a call. She was crying. She told me she cheated on me. She said she got too drunk and she went home with a guy. She said she doesn’t remember what happened and she only remember’s realizing what she was doing and she left and called me right after. I was … hurt and disappointed. In the same time..  she taught me a lesson. I did the same.. but I kept it as a secret. I also felt ashamed. The next day I told her the truth. I told her what I did. She was hurt as well.. and we decided to get over it. Somehow felt like we needed to be even.

From now on it felt like things have been cleared and we had a restart. We decided to forgive each other and get over it, so we kept the long distance skyping and once a month visits until August when I went to her country and stayed there for 2 months with her and her family. I got to know them and all that, which went well.

I know it was such a long story to read.. I cannot believe I’ve gone this far with it.. I almost feel sorry to write so much and give u guys such a long topic but.. If you made it till here means you had a good reason to waste your time on it. Happily or sadly for you the tricky part starts now. Yes.. there is a little more to this story.. You see.. I told you everything about my past. I wanted you to totally understand who I am and how I got here. I’m not sure If this is done right or not.. This is my first attempt to fully open myself. Well I haven’t told you anything about my present and why I wrote all this. So I’m about to do so.

Present – lost and poor. A mix of all kinds

So.. It’s now. after almost one and a half years since me and my girlfriend met. Yes.. we stayed together. We’ve been long distance for a few months, than I moved to her country for 2 months, than she came to mine for a year. She is here since the end of September and we’ve been living together. Things aren’t easy. We became quite unhappy lately.. I don’t know where to begin.. I just feel like I lack direction, purpose and energy. I’m not doing anything towards anything. I feel blank and I feel desperate to find whatever is missing here. I end up thinking, talking, complaining but never acting towards something. It’s like I don’t want to do anything. I just exist and search for my direction.

I sometimes feel interested in whatever I hear about that day, and the next day its maybe something else. I feel like I’m being pulled in a lot of directions but I just don’t get much done. I feel like I would like to do anything.. just to do something and have the feeling of normal existence. The feeling of having something constructive to do and have a direction. I’m lucky enough to get financial help from my family but that put’s a lot of pressure on me. My girlfriend is telling me every day I should work and do something. Anything. I keep telling myself I will change from now on and sometimes I start feeling like I will get moving and I make plans but I always seem to forget everything and get back in the same hole. I just don’t get moving. It’s like feeling a very strong pain and then for a short while everything is okay and the pain is gone and you forget about it. Next thing you know it comes back and same scenario endlessly repeats. I am stuck, sometimes numb and I feel like I don’t function. I even start questioning everything. I start questioning my relationship a lot.. I sometimes feel like she is not right for me and I should be single again. Sometimes I’m afraid not to loose her.

The truth is.. lately we fight a lot.. from everything. We just explode without thinking clearely. We try to get everything back the way it was  between us.. and we fight a lot for it. We cry sometimes, we leave, we come back.. Sometimes feels like it’s all lost and sometimes it feels like it’s still there. Its true that we spend a lot of time together. I don’t work and she’s not very busy either. So.. maybe we both need to develop our personal lives more. It feels like I lost myself lately. When we both came here I taught I will find a job and have everything sorted, I’ll start living like a normal human being and I will be financially independent. I will finally be a grown adult. I wanted that so much and I came back here 8 months ago and nothing really changed. I’m stuck in a loop and I cannot understand how can I be so ignorant. How can I care so less about myself and my life?! I’m not even doing much for her.. She keeps complaining about me not cleaning enough and not helping her learn my language. She is actually blaming me for that every day. She wants to be part of my life, learning my language to be able to talk to my family but for an unknown reason every time I’m trying to speak in my native language with her feels very uncomfortable and I get a feeling of anxiety. I cannot really explain why. I told her this but she still wants me to try. I also get very jealous from small things. I also get jealous from her wanting to travel. She likes traveling so much and it means a lot to her.. and I cannot go with her because I cannot afford it. I cannot help myself from reacting so badly every time she is telling me she wants to go traveling. I know how wrong it is but I simply cannot feel good about it.

I really feel like I failed. I wanted her to come here with me and be together.. and I failed at the most basic thing. I failed at simply being. I’ve done nothing. I relayed on my parent’s money and I kept looking for jobs. I really did. I went to 12 interviews, and I worked for one month for a company. I hated it and I quit. I was hoping I will find something else but nothing worked. I didn’t like anything or they didn’t hire me.

It just feels like I don’t want to do anything… But I’m frustrated for not doing anything.

I also feel sad a lot of times.. and I cry. I cry quite often actually and I tell myself I just want to find my way. On top of that is also the uncerntainty towards our relationship.

What if I don’t love her.. But what if I do and this questioning is happening just because I don’t know what I want and I didn’t find my inner peace yet?  What If I end it and I will regret it than.. It started so beautiful and It felt so right and special… It felt like it happened for a reason. 

It’s very hard and for some people this  might seem easy to fix. For me right now it’s my best wish. I just want to get up and find my purpose, find my balance and be happy. I just want things to function and have the feeling of progress. I don’t know where it’s all gone.  Since the beginning of 2017 when I met her and things seemed to change I stopped spending so much time on a computer. I think I missed out so much in the passed years so I decided to start living an actual life. But it seems like I don’t really know how to.  It makes me so sad when I think about how much I really wished for all I’m having right now and how things turned out in such a chaos. It’s incredible how my prayers  have been answered in 2017 and how everything seems to fall down and loose it’s magic.

This is probably the longest post ever posted here.. This is me. Really me. And to be honest it feels good to write it all down. I wish I could get your insights and mostly I wish there are people here who can relate to my story and learn something from it. Even knowing that someone finds solidarity in all written here gives me a feeling of fulfillment.

Thank you so much for reading my story.