I like the fact we both submitted our message more or less the same time! :))

Dear Anita,

Just got back home – watched The Matrix (1999) with some friends. Some movie that is!

My goodness, Robi- her telling you 20 years ago that she got cancer because of your bad grades and disobedience..

Did she survive the disease because your grades improved and you became obedient?

Yeah.. right :))
I didn’t improve my grades and didn’t become obedient either.. I hated school.. and I guess I hated them too. So no improvements had been made there. I don’t know if hated is the word or not… at times it felt that way.. for sure. Maybe it’s a touch too strong.. but.. yeah.. I actually don’t care if I hated them then.. or if I hate them now. It’s okay.

As for them blaming me for the way they feel today.. and for all that drama around them dying soon.. That’s also okay. That has nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. I won’t feel guilty no matter what happens because I know all this has nothing to do with me. It just bothers me that these silly games are happening ( still ). Oh well.. no surprise here.

My mother threatened to commit suicide when she was 25. Fast forward SIXTY years, guess who is still alive..?
Damn.. that’s quite intense. Were u already around when that happened?

So much to deal with these days… I guess I gotta get outa here.. I guess I don’t want to keep living here for much longer. I don’t think all this is good for me. I keep thinking about what u said about being born to parents who are closed circuits.
I think I need to be around different people. For sure.

You have a nice day ahead!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Its been a bit weird the last 2 days.. feeling a lot but also almost getting comfy and falling back into procrastination mode. I feel sorry you’ve been through a similar childhood dynamic to mine. That must’ve been pretty hard.. Trust me – I know :))

I kept thinking about these last messages.. where I came to realise how much I didn’t like living with my parents and yesterday talking to a friend at the café I realised I haven’t actually ever missed them as a child ( except for maybe when I was very young ).
My friend asked me:
” But didn’t you miss your parents if they were away for a week for example? Didn’t you miss returning home? “
NO! I didn’t. I always felt sad for having to go back to living with them again.
He acted surprised. – ” OH.. wow… okay.. that’s tough man “.
And you know what? It is tough. The thought that things could’ve been the opposite.. and I could’ve felt good at home is pretty hard to digest. I don’t know if it’s regret.. actually it isn’t regret. It’s not my fault. I do ( now ) wish I did things differently.. I wish I had left.. or tried to talk to someone then.. when my mother started to hit me. And.. even more.. I wish I stayed abroad and didn’t return for a long, long time. I believe that would’ve been good for me. I could’ve pushed harder then to stay there… instead of having to push much, much harder now.
Okay, this I do regret. And it’s OK. I wish I’ve had done better.

The thing is I somehow forgot how bad things actually were. At times I even thought I was to blame.

At times I thought I was too much to deal with.. I felt guilty for not loving my parents and for always being agains them – sometimes to some extremes… I thought for some reason I was BAD – for not loving them, for not being on their side, for disappointing them often. ( grades, not being ”well behaved” in school ). I’ve been told by them, amongst other similar things.. that I was a bad apple.. and putting me next to good ones means I’ll be making the other ones bad too. Not sure this expression directly translates into English.. but I guess this needs to subtitles :))
Maybe I believed I was a bad apple. And to some extent.. subconsciously.. I might sill do.

Last night I watched Good Will Hunting. That scene towards the end.. where Robin Williams repeatedly tells Matt Damon –
” It’s now your fault! It’s not your fault! It’s not your fault! ” until he breaks down and starts crying.. always gets to me so deeply. Every time I watch that movie I feel I relate with that scene so much. There are many other things about that story which carry a very familiar feeling.. What an amazing film that is!

Anyway.. what I wanted to say is that.. I seem to have forgotten how bad things actually were.. and it’s almost shocking to me.. to remember how caged I actually felt every single day. And I ask myself.. why am I even here? Why the f*ck did I come here? Why did I choose to come here? I cannot repair things here.. I cannot fix my parent’s inability to be good parents. They don’t even need to be good parents anymore.. That time is long gone.

These last weeks I found myself often asking myself why do I dislike them so much.. why do I feel so tense around them? And I almost felt like I have no reason to do so. I almost felt guilty again. But… maybe I have a pretty legit reason to feel this way.

My body doesn’t lie to me.
Now what? I’m asking myself…

Hope to hear from u soon!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Some deep processes are now being activated by what you’ve wrote above..
Very interesting – I see two things that resonate so much. They both “hit the nail in the head”!

Well, the way you described your mother’s attitude towards you resonates 100% with the dynamic I’m used to.

” she didn’t view me as a separate person with my own thoughts, feelings, preferences, etc., that were different from hers, such that were given space to be, a right to exist. “

I couldn’t have described it better than you did right here. 🙂

I agree, of course, that everyone gets attracted from time to time to someone who is not their partner. For someone who grew up entrapped, the attraction to other people, to other places.. to possibilities of freedom gains flavor and intensity.

And this one.. this one hits really, really deep. I’ve been thinking about it since I was very young – but of course I wasn’t capable of putting it in any meaningful sentence. For someone who grew up entrapped, the attraction to other people, to other places.. to possibilities of freedom gains flavor and intensity. Exactly! God damn! This reminds me of something.
I remember being a kid and sometimes, someone would visit my parents. I would be so happy that the dynamic has changed for a bit. I would feel so good when someone was around. I didn’t really know why.. but I always wished they stayed longer. I’ve always had a certain feeling… it’s like.. a kind of.. longing for something. And it wasn’t longing for that particular person in any way. I don’t really know what I was longing for. But I always felt like I wanted them to stay longer and I felt like I was trying to enjoy every bit of it. How do I describe it… I think I was feeling like a trapped animal at the zoo would feel. It felt like I wished someone took me with them. I was actually so happy whenever someone did. It happened a few times I went to some friend’s house.. or some relative. Sometimes my parents would be out of town and I would be sleeping somewhere else for a few nights. I remember those times so well.. I remember enjoying that sooo much. I remember thinking I didn’t want my parents to come back…
I also remember thinking how other people’s personal or family dynamics were so much nicer and felt much safer. I wished my parents were like that. I remember having that thought very, very often. Of course.. I often felt like a wild animal.. because I didn’t have much closeness with my parents and I didn’t really know how to be relaxed in more engaging situations – for example: having my own opinion and expressing it.. or even playing a board game. Even then I knew I must’ve looked so stiff to other families. Maybe they thought I was rude.. or maybe they thought I was shy. It doesn’t actually matter anyway.. but I remember how that felt. And.. ahm.. I realise, now, again.. how much I didn’t want to be where I was. I realise now, again, how much I didn’t want to be living with my parents and how much I was hoping for other people’s company. This sounds pretty crazy but back then I felt I needed to be saved.. and that feeling came out every time someone would come over ( and I felt like I didn’t want them to leave / felt like I wanted them to take me away from there ).

For someone who grew up entrapped, the attraction to other people, to other places.. to possibilities of freedom gains flavor and intensity.

people, other places, possibilities of freedom… Yes.. I felt all that.. just like that..

Other places felt like an escape much needed.. seeing others live felt like that too.. I often felt soo inspired by almost anyone or any place. I’m guessing it must’ve felt like any place or anyone is automatically better than where I’m at.
And.. you’re probably thinking.. if this is still present today.
Yeah.. the feeling is there. I feel like that sometimes.. maybe more often than I realise. I do often feel like anything is better than where I’m at right now.. I do often think others are doing or simply are better in some way. And.. I feel this has made decision making a living hell for me. That’s why I’ve avoided taking decisions and stayed stuck instead.. so many times.
I even often think other women are ”better” than my girlfriend. That feeling and thought pattern is there.. and when I do think those things.. I know something is not quite right there.. and that’s why I didn’t let myself fall into that trap. But this does happen often.. to feel like I want something / someone else. I usually feel like I’m in a good relationship with a good partner and feel grateful I’ve met her on the street in Spain. At times, the thought that maybe we are not good for each other arises.. and can spiral quite a long way. Damn.. there’s a lot here.. and I feel as if my brain and body have been revving all the way up.

This is very interesting.
I wished my parents were like that. I remember having that thought very, very often. – a direct correlation between the way I felt about my parents and the way I sometimes feel about my girlfriend today.

I wonder if my romantic relationships are gradually taking a similar form in me ( as the way I feel about them ) to my relationship with my parents. Perhaps the closer someone gets to me, the closer it gets to.. well.. me! – me from years ago.. who is still around in some capacity. And me from years ago feels scared of being trapped, wants to escape and doesn’t know how to hold space in his heart for both his parents and his partner. That space feels polluted.. and dirty.. and whoever enters that space gets mixed up with all that..

I’ve for long been wanting to build a new space in my heart. Or maybe renovate the old one. But you see.. ( and you know ) this is a pretty damn hard thing to do. I seem to have fallen back in the cage. I think everything has it’s purpose.. so I ask myself – Why the f*ck was this necessary?

I’m sure there’s more that wants to come out but I felt as if I’ve accessed so much in me that my hard-drive is on fire. My nervous system feels overloaded and my brain feels pretty fried. I know this feeling well. It’s the feeling of being on to something deep and true.

I wonder what you think of all this.. I know its a lot to digest.. so please take your time.
I’ll be crashing now, it’s 40 past midnight here. Tomorrow morning I’ll be doing my QiGong and then.. carrying a couple tons of fire wood! That feels quite exciting! I hope u and Bogart are having a good time these days. Are autumn days already there..? Here it’s still kinda summer-ish during the day..
Hope to hear from u soon!
Take good care 🙂
Robi

Dear Anita,

Mid-day Monday here. Had a slow morning, did my QiGong and now trying to squeeze in as much me time as possible.. until I go back. It was pretty nice to be able to be on my own a little in a neutral, quiet space. Today I feel quite tired… I feel I could use another week like this.. not necessarily sitting around and playing Gran Turismo.. I couldn’t even if I wanted. I start feeling guilty after 2 hours of gameplay ( tops ). I feel I could use more time like this, on my own, not living with my parents. I miss that – again, the feeling of missing my own life. I often remember the times in Spain or Warsaw when I felt like I’ve had my own life, my own time, my own space even if at the time I didn’t really see it that way. Then I was often complaining I didn’t have my own space.. maybe I didn’t like sharing a house with a flatmate in Spain.. or later on in Poland but now looking at it.. I see there’s always levels to everything and no matter where we are there’s always something that could be better.

Anyway. These days I feel I’ll need to take a decision. My girlfriend wants to come visit me for a few days while I’m trying to find work.. start work.. move on. Of course having her around feels tempting but I know that will mean I’ll be spending even more of my savings and my focus will go somewhere else. Also If by her arrival I’ve already found work.. we won’t be able to spend much time together anyway. I feel as if my relationship is almost on a pause.. while I’m also trying to figure out how to go about life from now on. Many insecurities come out these days.. about my work, meaning, mission etc. However the relationship is being questioned too, again. I don’t really know why. I sometimes feel like I don’t feel anything. I sometimes blame myself for not feeling that much excitement about my girlfriend. When she’s here, or I’m there and we’ve spent some time together I feel good about her but after a few days on my own I already start feeling distant and question the relationship. When se tells me she misses me or she loves me.. I often feel guilt. Sometimes I feel that I don’t really feel that way.. and I feel like an impostor.

These days I’ve been also thinking that maybe… I don’t have the space perhaps the capacity right now to feel those things. Maybe, just maybe.. I might be a little distracted by these other things that need my attention and action.. and I don’t have much left to give towards my relationship. I don’t know if there’s truth in this or not.. but It crossed my mind a few times lately.
When I’m on my own especially, I seem to be often looking at other women, missing the times when I was single and had that urging feeling to talk to them, like a challenge.. I don’t know. It almost feels as if something in me is trying to sabotage my relationship – as If something in me is trying to sabotage any form of growth of commitment. I don’t know if there’s truth in this either. But I guess I might be on to something.

Now.. I won’t be drifting into relationship drama too much.. because I’ve got something else to work on right now. But this is has been knocking on my door these days. I don’t know wether it’s here to distract me from my job search or has a more meaningful purpose. Either way, for now I think I won’t give it my full attention.
What I need is to move on. What I need is an income. The café is still pending but I’ll know soon. Other than that there’s a courier job I could be taking soon but I’m yet not sure how I feel about it. I feel challenged.. I feel fear, shame, I feel I’ll be having less time for myself, I feel like I’ll be ‘’changing my ways’’.
Perhaps these are all good things. I guess changing my ways is much needed. It also feels like that could mean becoming someone else.. but that’s just my fear talking. Changing my ways is essential here and I guess it won’t happen for free. Something needs to be given in return. So that’s where I’m at today.

I’ve just finished my coffee and I’m thinking maybe I’ll go for a walk, maybe a little workout in the calisthenics park.. before I embark on my 1 hour and 15 minutes walk home.

I’ll try to write here more often 🙂
Take good care!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Indeed.. I know I can’t shake it off for good. I can boost my energy and focus through movement and presence.. and I’m so grateful I’ve ”mastered” the discipline of being consistent with my movement practices. I’ve started more than 6 years ago and I haven’t stopped since. Well, of course, one week of complete resting every 6 months.. just to let my nervous system rest a little.. but other than that, I seem to have learned to take care of myself.. at least when it comes to regulating my energy and making sure my body stays fit and strong. Of course, I have days when I’m afraid.. ” What if all this stress I’m going through (not only by living here, not having enough money etc.. but also by not aiming and at least trying to reach my potential and doing what my heart wants ) might show in my body at some point? ” It’s a scary thought.. but I don’t let it take much of my energy. But every now and then it’s there. Last night I took part in a men circle – online. I do that every week now.. with a bunch of other guys I don’t know. It’s good, it’s really helping me. I can talk about how I feel and where I’m at.. and I can also see how much they relate to my story. I also relate to theirs. Of course.. at times I feel I don’t want to join at all… I feel ashamed of talking about my situation to other guys who surely don’t live with their parents at the age of 33, have no job and they are too scared to go for what their heart wants and take whatever jobs instead. And.. its true.. I’ve only seen one guy who lives with his parents during these calls.. most of them have ” basic things ” figured out. But throughout these meetings I was so shocked to see how most of these guys are dealing with illness.. how their stress showed up in the body. Many of them talked about how having a stressful job burned them out to the point of illness.. some are divorced.. some have children who struggle with illness. I felt sorry hearing all that.. and I also felt quite grateful for not having to deal with all that myself. Of course I’m not saying my situation has suddenly started to look like I’m sipping mojitos in the Caribbean.. but I often start realising that maybe it’s not too bad. And I don’t mean that I shouldn’t change my life situation. I mean.. that my starting point isn’t that bad. And.. it’s not too hard to start from here.

Which made me think.

What is a priority right now? What is my priority.. long term? And.. lately.. at least since 2020, when I started taking better care of myself.. staying fit, strong and healthy has been of great importance. That helped me become more confident, know my body and mind better and feel like I can accomplish hard things. I don’t know if it translates directly translate into other arias in my life.. such as having more courage to make certain choices, going through the discomfort of starting from scratch… but It could help. I often forget that I have the capacity to achieve quite complex things. But I keep forgetting.

Now, starting my days with QiGong, I feel I’m slowly regaining my focus and my mindset is slowly shifting. Step by step I feel Its becoming clear.. that my current setup has become old. I don’t need this anymore.. and I’m now learning a new one. It might not be as fast as I’d like it to be.. but its there. I see myself able to not get triggered by things that have nothing to do with me.. by things that are aimed at hurting me instead of supporting. I often feel like I’m walking along a railing.. trying not to fall not to fall to the left.. nor to the right. My balance is being challenged. I’m trying to walk straight. I’m trying to move forward.
Not looking down.. or anywhere else other than straight ahead.. seems to be key. Eyes on the prize as they say..
What’s the prize? I guess it can be simply described as agency. Standing on my own foundation and not depending on anyone else. Not meaning I cannot accept any support at al from anyone. Not having to become too stubborn about it. Meaning my life won’t be depending on other’s support. Because I can be self sufficient. This is important.

I’ve made a little list of things I could be doing. There are a few jobs I could take.
The café doesn’t seem to want me right now. I still need to talk to the owners these days but so far I don’t see any positive answer coming from them. Then.. there’s the courier job.. and there’s some guy who might need someone help him make furniture. Now.. that I like. I like working with wood and make furniture. Not sure I’ve told you.. this year I’ve restored 8 doors in my parent’s house. I very much enjoyed working with wood, manually sandpapering them, correcting imperfections and restoring them back to life looking brand new. It took me a while but I’ve enjoyed it to the fullest. I’ll write to that guy too.

I guess.. any movement is better than no movement right now. Probably the worst thing I could do is nothing at all – falling back into procrastination.. supported and manipulated by my parents. But the cost is too high.. And my body does keep the score.. even if I haven’t gone through a divorce or some stressful corporate job.

I allowed myself to take one week to gather some info – to see what kind of jobs I could be landing… and next week I will be choosing something.

If I fall.. Then I learn. I’m stronger than I often think I am.
If I fly.. well.. than It’ll all come together.

Hope to hear from you soon!
Take good care of yourself 🙂
Robi

Dear Anita,

Indeed you are right – it is like pressing both the gas pedal and brake at the same time.
I do that.. for sure. Funny thing is.. I even do it in a car when driving fast sometimes. That’s a racing technique called left foot braking. Braking in order to improve traction on the front wheels while exiting a corner. By tapping the brake in a corner the front end gets a little more downforce – therefore more traction. However, full throttle is needed in order for it to work well. If only I could apply this principle to my current life situation, I’d be more than fine. I’d be powerfully accelerating while making sure I have optimum traction to make sure I won’t slip 🙂

Anyway! I got a little carried away :)) but I like these analogies.
Café sounds tempting indeed.. but I’m also afraid of getting ”stuck” in a comfy, easy job. I was thinking harder physical jobs would pay better – therefore I could be out of here quicker. ( out of my parents house / out of Romania if something else aligns in Warsaw ). I am still applying for work there also.. and I think Warsaw and living with my girlfriend would serve much better right now than small town Romania, closer to my parents. I feel I need to be independent again.. to be somewhere where I can be further away from my childhood.
Ah.. its all a bit sad and complicated.. This really sucks that it has to be like this…

I don’t know.. let’s see. I keep applying here and there.. asking around.. It’ll work out. This time I gotta get moving.. can’t afford not to 🙂

As for Rocky.. yeah.. I wouldn’t wanna go full power for too long.. Only if I knew exactly what I wanted and needed to go full power for a bit in order to get there. But so far, I don’t have such level clarity. But I’m thirsty for that.. I’m thirsty for commitment to something that feels right – to something I truly believe in. Until then.. might just make coffee and play around with my dj-ing at the Café. If they do hire me. Don’t know yet 🙂