By the way, I’m curious.. Are u familiar with a band called E N I G M A ?
I somehow transitioned from Enya to a different kind of new age music.. a Romanian guy called Michael Crețu.. who is behind the Enigma project. During the early 90’s he released his first album M C M X C a.D..
I was wondering if his music – particularly his first album got popular in the states.

Hi Roberta, good to hear from you!

It always amazes me how many things I have in common with people from the other side of the world. I’m guessing you too, are located in the US 🙂 Is Roberta a common name around there? Over here there are a few Roberts but very few Robertas.

I’m having an okay day.. could be a bit better though 😀
You too have a nice day!
Robi

*almost 34, born december 22

I like the fact we both submitted our message more or less the same time! :))

Dear Anita,

Just got back home – watched The Matrix (1999) with some friends. Some movie that is!

My goodness, Robi- her telling you 20 years ago that she got cancer because of your bad grades and disobedience..

Did she survive the disease because your grades improved and you became obedient?

Yeah.. right :))
I didn’t improve my grades and didn’t become obedient either.. I hated school.. and I guess I hated them too. So no improvements had been made there. I don’t know if hated is the word or not… at times it felt that way.. for sure. Maybe it’s a touch too strong.. but.. yeah.. I actually don’t care if I hated them then.. or if I hate them now. It’s okay.

As for them blaming me for the way they feel today.. and for all that drama around them dying soon.. That’s also okay. That has nothing to do with me. Nothing at all. I won’t feel guilty no matter what happens because I know all this has nothing to do with me. It just bothers me that these silly games are happening ( still ). Oh well.. no surprise here.

My mother threatened to commit suicide when she was 25. Fast forward SIXTY years, guess who is still alive..?
Damn.. that’s quite intense. Were u already around when that happened?

So much to deal with these days… I guess I gotta get outa here.. I guess I don’t want to keep living here for much longer. I don’t think all this is good for me. I keep thinking about what u said about being born to parents who are closed circuits.
I think I need to be around different people. For sure.

You have a nice day ahead!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Its been a bit weird the last 2 days.. feeling a lot but also almost getting comfy and falling back into procrastination mode. I feel sorry you’ve been through a similar childhood dynamic to mine. That must’ve been pretty hard.. Trust me – I know :))

I kept thinking about these last messages.. where I came to realise how much I didn’t like living with my parents and yesterday talking to a friend at the café I realised I haven’t actually ever missed them as a child ( except for maybe when I was very young ).
My friend asked me:
” But didn’t you miss your parents if they were away for a week for example? Didn’t you miss returning home? “
NO! I didn’t. I always felt sad for having to go back to living with them again.
He acted surprised. – ” OH.. wow… okay.. that’s tough man “.
And you know what? It is tough. The thought that things could’ve been the opposite.. and I could’ve felt good at home is pretty hard to digest. I don’t know if it’s regret.. actually it isn’t regret. It’s not my fault. I do ( now ) wish I did things differently.. I wish I had left.. or tried to talk to someone then.. when my mother started to hit me. And.. even more.. I wish I stayed abroad and didn’t return for a long, long time. I believe that would’ve been good for me. I could’ve pushed harder then to stay there… instead of having to push much, much harder now.
Okay, this I do regret. And it’s OK. I wish I’ve had done better.

The thing is I somehow forgot how bad things actually were. At times I even thought I was to blame.

At times I thought I was too much to deal with.. I felt guilty for not loving my parents and for always being agains them – sometimes to some extremes… I thought for some reason I was BAD – for not loving them, for not being on their side, for disappointing them often. ( grades, not being ”well behaved” in school ). I’ve been told by them, amongst other similar things.. that I was a bad apple.. and putting me next to good ones means I’ll be making the other ones bad too. Not sure this expression directly translates into English.. but I guess this needs to subtitles :))
Maybe I believed I was a bad apple. And to some extent.. subconsciously.. I might sill do.

Last night I watched Good Will Hunting. That scene towards the end.. where Robin Williams repeatedly tells Matt Damon –
” It’s now your fault! It’s not your fault! It’s not your fault! ” until he breaks down and starts crying.. always gets to me so deeply. Every time I watch that movie I feel I relate with that scene so much. There are many other things about that story which carry a very familiar feeling.. What an amazing film that is!

Anyway.. what I wanted to say is that.. I seem to have forgotten how bad things actually were.. and it’s almost shocking to me.. to remember how caged I actually felt every single day. And I ask myself.. why am I even here? Why the f*ck did I come here? Why did I choose to come here? I cannot repair things here.. I cannot fix my parent’s inability to be good parents. They don’t even need to be good parents anymore.. That time is long gone.

These last weeks I found myself often asking myself why do I dislike them so much.. why do I feel so tense around them? And I almost felt like I have no reason to do so. I almost felt guilty again. But… maybe I have a pretty legit reason to feel this way.

My body doesn’t lie to me.
Now what? I’m asking myself…

Hope to hear from u soon!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Some deep processes are now being activated by what you’ve wrote above..
Very interesting – I see two things that resonate so much. They both “hit the nail in the head”!

Well, the way you described your mother’s attitude towards you resonates 100% with the dynamic I’m used to.

” she didn’t view me as a separate person with my own thoughts, feelings, preferences, etc., that were different from hers, such that were given space to be, a right to exist. “

I couldn’t have described it better than you did right here. 🙂

I agree, of course, that everyone gets attracted from time to time to someone who is not their partner. For someone who grew up entrapped, the attraction to other people, to other places.. to possibilities of freedom gains flavor and intensity.

And this one.. this one hits really, really deep. I’ve been thinking about it since I was very young – but of course I wasn’t capable of putting it in any meaningful sentence. For someone who grew up entrapped, the attraction to other people, to other places.. to possibilities of freedom gains flavor and intensity. Exactly! God damn! This reminds me of something.
I remember being a kid and sometimes, someone would visit my parents. I would be so happy that the dynamic has changed for a bit. I would feel so good when someone was around. I didn’t really know why.. but I always wished they stayed longer. I’ve always had a certain feeling… it’s like.. a kind of.. longing for something. And it wasn’t longing for that particular person in any way. I don’t really know what I was longing for. But I always felt like I wanted them to stay longer and I felt like I was trying to enjoy every bit of it. How do I describe it… I think I was feeling like a trapped animal at the zoo would feel. It felt like I wished someone took me with them. I was actually so happy whenever someone did. It happened a few times I went to some friend’s house.. or some relative. Sometimes my parents would be out of town and I would be sleeping somewhere else for a few nights. I remember those times so well.. I remember enjoying that sooo much. I remember thinking I didn’t want my parents to come back…
I also remember thinking how other people’s personal or family dynamics were so much nicer and felt much safer. I wished my parents were like that. I remember having that thought very, very often. Of course.. I often felt like a wild animal.. because I didn’t have much closeness with my parents and I didn’t really know how to be relaxed in more engaging situations – for example: having my own opinion and expressing it.. or even playing a board game. Even then I knew I must’ve looked so stiff to other families. Maybe they thought I was rude.. or maybe they thought I was shy. It doesn’t actually matter anyway.. but I remember how that felt. And.. ahm.. I realise, now, again.. how much I didn’t want to be where I was. I realise now, again, how much I didn’t want to be living with my parents and how much I was hoping for other people’s company. This sounds pretty crazy but back then I felt I needed to be saved.. and that feeling came out every time someone would come over ( and I felt like I didn’t want them to leave / felt like I wanted them to take me away from there ).

For someone who grew up entrapped, the attraction to other people, to other places.. to possibilities of freedom gains flavor and intensity.

people, other places, possibilities of freedom… Yes.. I felt all that.. just like that..

Other places felt like an escape much needed.. seeing others live felt like that too.. I often felt soo inspired by almost anyone or any place. I’m guessing it must’ve felt like any place or anyone is automatically better than where I’m at.
And.. you’re probably thinking.. if this is still present today.
Yeah.. the feeling is there. I feel like that sometimes.. maybe more often than I realise. I do often feel like anything is better than where I’m at right now.. I do often think others are doing or simply are better in some way. And.. I feel this has made decision making a living hell for me. That’s why I’ve avoided taking decisions and stayed stuck instead.. so many times.
I even often think other women are ”better” than my girlfriend. That feeling and thought pattern is there.. and when I do think those things.. I know something is not quite right there.. and that’s why I didn’t let myself fall into that trap. But this does happen often.. to feel like I want something / someone else. I usually feel like I’m in a good relationship with a good partner and feel grateful I’ve met her on the street in Spain. At times, the thought that maybe we are not good for each other arises.. and can spiral quite a long way. Damn.. there’s a lot here.. and I feel as if my brain and body have been revving all the way up.

This is very interesting.
I wished my parents were like that. I remember having that thought very, very often. – a direct correlation between the way I felt about my parents and the way I sometimes feel about my girlfriend today.

I wonder if my romantic relationships are gradually taking a similar form in me ( as the way I feel about them ) to my relationship with my parents. Perhaps the closer someone gets to me, the closer it gets to.. well.. me! – me from years ago.. who is still around in some capacity. And me from years ago feels scared of being trapped, wants to escape and doesn’t know how to hold space in his heart for both his parents and his partner. That space feels polluted.. and dirty.. and whoever enters that space gets mixed up with all that..

I’ve for long been wanting to build a new space in my heart. Or maybe renovate the old one. But you see.. ( and you know ) this is a pretty damn hard thing to do. I seem to have fallen back in the cage. I think everything has it’s purpose.. so I ask myself – Why the f*ck was this necessary?

I’m sure there’s more that wants to come out but I felt as if I’ve accessed so much in me that my hard-drive is on fire. My nervous system feels overloaded and my brain feels pretty fried. I know this feeling well. It’s the feeling of being on to something deep and true.

I wonder what you think of all this.. I know its a lot to digest.. so please take your time.
I’ll be crashing now, it’s 40 past midnight here. Tomorrow morning I’ll be doing my QiGong and then.. carrying a couple tons of fire wood! That feels quite exciting! I hope u and Bogart are having a good time these days. Are autumn days already there..? Here it’s still kinda summer-ish during the day..
Hope to hear from u soon!
Take good care 🙂
Robi