Capricorn! hah! You sleep well!

Dear Anita,

23:30 here – listening to Enya – Caribbean Blue on my Hi-Fi. Old school, Vinyl. Sounds really warm.. and real.
I so often forget how much I like listening to music. I got myself some fancy hi-fidelity earphones and used them twice in 3 months. I often ask myself how come I rarely do the things I like? Things like playing the piano, listening to music.. working on a video.. doing a photo session. ==> Creating. I don’t really create much. I consume a lot though. I consume a lot!
I need to shift from consumer to creator. I was creating once.. a lot. But stopped.. for some reason.

I’ve decided I’m going to have an “avatar” on this forum from now on. I don’t usually have any clear pictures of myself on the internet or WhatsApp. These are usually photos like this one – pictures of my own shadow doing all sorts of things. I guess in the last few years I value my privacy more and more. Ironically, I’m sharing my life story on a public forum :)) But this, for some reason doesn’t bother me at all.

Damn! So many things I’d like to get back to… Where have I been all this time?!
As for the phone, sure we can do that one day! 🙂

You have a nice day ahead!
Robi

Dear Anita,

Funny how often I think I’m kinda not that fit. I guess there’s always many levels to everything 🙂 Not complaining at all, I feel good in my own body but I often think I should be doing better. But.. I guess aren’t we all?

You mentioned Eminem!!! That’s my first CD I’ve ever got for myself.. The Eminem Show – his 4th album and the one containing the Cleaning Out my Closet track. Funny, I used to like that song too.. back then.. in.. 2002..2003? Of course didn’t quite know what it was all about. Or maybe I did…but didn’t quite understand just yet.. Damn! I’ll put that song on right now. I still a copy of that album somewhere.

You wrote earlier: “I need to shift from consumer to creator. I was creating once.. a lot. But stopped.. for some reason”-

Could it be the common fear of not being good- enough?

Oh yeah for sure there’s fear of not being good. That’s my usual thing.. Whenever I even think of getting any job I always play out all sort of things in my head. ” but what if I mess up that or this? ” ” what do I do then? ”
And it could be anything. If we’re talking a café job – barista or whatever people who make coffee are called these days,
I would be afraid of making bad coffee.. or messing up those ridiculous heart, flower, leaf shapes these people make when applying the milk. I think it’s called latte art. Anyway.. those kind of worries. Or even worse.. what if I spill an entire cup of coffee into someone’s lap? That actually happened once.. It wasn’t coffee.. it was water, ice and Coca-Cola. I’ve managed to unload all that onto some lady’s lap. Cooled her down a little if u ask me. However, husband wasn’t very fond of that gesture. But guess what. I’ve survived.

So back to what I was saying. Yes.. there’s a lot of fear of doing anything. Anything that requires me to perform things.
Of course.. I’ve done things. I’ve worked in places.. schools etc. But ALWAYS felt tension in my body and worried that some things might get challenging. Until I kinda got used to it.. and then I’d feel okay.. ( until something new would show up.. something different that would again require me to adapt. another wave of anxiety.. until I get used to it and realise it’s akay. again and again ).

Yeah.. this is something I need to let resurface a little and take a good look at it.