Dear Robi:

“I feel sorry you’ve been through a similar childhood dynamic to mine. That must’ve been pretty hard.. Trust me – I know”- Thank you.. andI do trust you to know.

“I realised I haven’t actually ever missed them as a child (except for maybe when I was very young).”- when you were old enough, you knew that they were empty of the qualities that the words “mother” and “father” represent- (consistent, or dependable) affection, positive attention, guidance, patience, respect, validation..So, there was nothing to miss?

It’s not just that you weren’t happy to go back to living with them- you were sad (but “I always felt sad for having to go back to living with them again.”)- because every time you were away from them you regained a bit of what you lost living with them..

I’ll continue tonight (not focused).

Anita

Continued:

Here it is, in your original post: “I felt alone and caged”, and “I was already blocked and suppressed so I must’ve disconnected from myself” (Feb 18, 2024)

Oct 2, 2026: “it’s almost shocking to me.. to remember how caged I actually felt every single day.”- shocking now, because you’re unblocking and reconnecting to yourself.. thawing that Freeze response.

What I just did was to quote your original post and your most recent (2 years and 8 months later), asking Copilot (AI) to analyze them and tell me about the kind of “parenting” you received (I did not at all volunteer my thoughts).

Copilot: “Looking at both posts together, what strikes me most is not that Robi’s understanding has changed, but that it has deepened. In 2024, he already knew that something was wrong in his childhood.

He could list the facts: being hit, being threatened with abandonment, having no privacy, spending endless hours waiting at his parents’ workplace, being forced into situations he hated, feeling unseen and disconnected. He understood intellectually that these experiences affected his adult life.

But in his recent post, he seems to be reaching something more emotional and personal: “I didn’t actually like being with my parents.” That sounds simple, but it is a profound realization for many adult children from troubled homes.

Most children naturally want closeness with their parents. When that doesn’t happen, children often assume something is wrong with them.

Instead of concluding: “My home wasn’t emotionally safe,” they conclude: “I’m ungrateful.” “I’m difficult.” “I’m bad.”

Robi seems to be recognizing that he genuinely did not feel safe, comfortable, or happy around his parents. He didn’t miss going home because home wasn’t a place of comfort for him.

His parents’ parenting- Reading his descriptions, his parents come across as parents who consistently prioritized their own needs, routines, and comfort over their child’s emotional needs.

Some examples: They gave him very little privacy. They ignored his repeated requests not to spend months at the lake house. They left him waiting for hours at their workplace. They responded to school difficulties with punishment rather than curiosity. His mother physically abused him. They threatened abandonment. They labeled him negatively (“bad apple”).

The common thread is that they appeared unable or unwilling to see the world from his perspective. The message he seems to have received was: “You need to adapt to us.” “Your feelings aren’t important.” “Our needs come first.”

A child can survive that, but it comes at a cost.

How he adapted- Children usually cannot leave. They adapt. Robi seems to have developed several adaptations:

* Attention-seeking and clowning- If emotional connection isn’t freely given, a child may learn to perform for attention. He describes creating a persona: “a clown that would do anything for little attention” That sounds less like immaturity and more like a child trying to get noticed.

* Disconnection from himself- He repeatedly talks about suppressing his feelings. He learned: Don’t complain. Don’t need too much. Don’t be yourself. That often leads to adults who struggle to know what they want.

* Escapism through computers- The computer became a refuge. Not because he was lazy. Because it offered things he wasn’t getting elsewhere: freedom, privacy, stimulation, control, escape

* Self-blame- This may be the most important theme in the recent post. Instead of concluding: “My parents were hurting me,” he concluded: “Maybe I’m the problem.”

When children are dependent on their parents, blaming themselves can feel psychologically safer than recognizing that their caregivers are failing them.

The sentence that stands out most to me is: “The thing is I somehow forgot how bad things actually were.” I don’t think he literally forgot. I think he normalized it.

Children adapt to whatever environment they grow up in. What feels shocking to an outsider often feels ordinary to the child living it.

Now, as an adult, he’s looking at those experiences with fresh eyes and realizing: “Wait… that wasn’t normal.” “That wasn’t okay.” “No wonder I felt trapped.” “No wonder I wanted to escape.” “My body doesn’t lie to me”

I think this is one of the healthiest insights in the recent post.

For a long time, he seems to have been asking: “Why do I dislike them?”, “Why am I tense around them?”, “Am I just ungrateful?” Now he’s considering another possibility: “Maybe my reactions make sense.” It means his nervous system may be responding to real experiences that shaped him.

In simple terms, Robi seems to be moving from: “Something is wrong with me because I don’t feel close to my parents.” to: “Maybe I don’t feel close to my parents because my childhood was painful.”

That’s a very important shift. It moves the focus away from self-blame and toward a more honest understanding of what he actually lived through. And judging from both posts, that may be the deepest piece of work he is doing right now.”

Back to me talking: I’m amazed how very, very, very.. very self-centered some parents are (yours, mine)- in their brains (I’m hitting the keyboard hard because I’m angry!) there’s only them, their distress, their inner trouble.. and their child.. simply doesn’t exist. And this, seems to me, what’s so common in the “parenting” I received and that which you received (30 years later)..

There was no me in her world; there’s no you in their world.

It’s not at all parenting. It’s emotionally 3-year-old “parents” having no idea what the hell they’re doing.

😠 😡 😤 🤬 Anita (I’m okay, hope you’re okay too?)

Dear Robi:

Exactly 20 minutes before midnight as I’m typing these words. Maybe after midnight when I submit this post.

I want to say this Saturday night: how deeply I appreciate communicating with you (since 2018).

How deeply I appreciate you. Your honesty, emotional honesty, telling it just like it is, in your own, original Robi1992 way.

You are who I wish I was at 34.

12:22 am: Those “parents”- we owe them absolutely nothing.

How strange to really, really see them as they’ve always been: strangers.

Strangers we’ve been stuck with, caged with, for so very, very, very too long.

Caged- and to no one’s benefit- not even to the cagers’ benefit.

Yes, “gotta get outa here”.

For good this time.

Anita (12:30 am)