Dear Robi:
Monday morning here and I’m smiling imagining 🚶♂️ 🛣️ your walk, which is, by the way, exactly how long it took me to walk from the Winery to the taproom (both businesses closed). I miss those days and that walk.
I read your post and I want to take my time responding. I will by tonight. For now: there’s a positive message behind every emotion you feel, and behind every emotional state (that’s true for everyone). Sometimes you don’t see the message, but it’s there.
“It was pretty nice to be able to be on my own a little in a neutral, quiet space.”- that pretty nice feeling’s message seems clear to me: you need to be on your own in a neutral, quiet place, just like you said.
* If by neutral you mean feeling Calm, the opposite would be feeling Charged, upset, agitated, triggered (antonyms of calm)
“Then (in Spain or Warsaw) I was often complaining I didn’t have my own space.. maybe I didn’t like sharing a house with a flat mate in Spain”- I think that you felt charged, upset, agitated, etc., when sharing the house with a flat mate in Spain, and when living with your girlfriend and her mother in Warsaw. Didn’t you?
“My girlfriend wants to come visit me for a few days… the relationship is being questioned too, again. I don’t really know why. I sometimes feel like I don’t feel anything. I sometimes blame myself for not feeling that much excitement about my girlfriend. When she’s here, or I’m there and we’ve spent some time together I feel good about her but after a few days on my own I already start feeling distant and question the relationship.”-
I’m asking myself what’s the positive message behind you not feeling anything (or feeling indifferent or distant) after a few days of being on your own, or now that she wants to visit you?
The image (again) of Robi minimizing his computer screen when intruded upon- unexpectedly, anytime, and without your control- popped back to my mind.
Maybe that experience conditioned you to generally experience people in close proximity as intruders, people who are Robbing Robi of control/ privacy/ calm? And the positive message behind feeling distant from your girlfriend is protective (as in: I don’t want to be intruded upon; I want privacy and calm)?
Anita
