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growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma

HomeForumsTough Timesgrowing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 76 total)
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  • #433162
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi: I will reply Mon (it is Sun evening here).

    anita

    #433170
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    Thank you for wishing me well. “A few days ago I talked to my parents and I told them I don’t feel that good here and I’m considering going back to Warsaw… they kept telling me over and over that I should stay here because there are more and better opportunities for me here – reminding me how I used to complain about living in Warsaw ( with my girlfriends mother, the flat, the weather, etc. )“- (1) lesson learned (?): don’t complain to them anymore about living in Warsaw (or anywhere else), it’s not fair to them, really, (2) I don’t see greater opportunities for you in Spain than in Warsaw, being that teaching English in Spain didn’t pay much (and caused you headaches), and being a waiter there- I assume you can do that in Warsaw.

    The days that followed I kept thinking and rethinking.. not really being able to fully decide anything… Before I bought it I felt like I wanted to go to Warsaw“- it’s been a pattern: feeling badly in location A and missing location B => deciding to go back to location B and buying the ticket =>  doubting and regretting the decision.  It’s almost as if every place you live in feels like the storage-glass-door-room where you grew up, or your parents’-workplace where you had to wait for hours. You feel trapped in a place and needing to get out of the trap.. only to get re-trapped someplace else…?

    If I go to Warsaw, for a while I would have to live with her mother..  and that doesn’t feel great.. also knowing she’s not very comfortable I’ll be back there – she felt quite offended by my behaviour ( not liking it there and knowing she was the reason ). I don’t really have another option at the moment. Whenever I manage to have an income there we’ll try to find a better solution“- talking today about not being fair to parents, it really isn’t fair to her mother, for you to make her feel unwanted in her own home. I understand that you don’t choose how you feel about her, but if you live in her home, you have to behave kindly and respectfully toward her.

    I hope that your time ad conversations with your girlfriend, very soon, will help you think more clearly and feel some peace of mind and heart.

    anita

    #433489
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    What a week this has been! I’m about to board the plane, sitting with my bags and my longboard. I like airports when they’re not too packed. All those distant beeps in the background, fragments of all languages. Everyone going somewhere – some for longer some for a bit. I don’t know which one am I. I just know I’m doing what I think its the right thing to do. My girlfriend has been here for a week, we talked a lot about things and we spent some nice time here on holiday. It is a holiday resort more than anything else. I decided to go to Warsaw and try to find work. We might still come here to live together but better if we do it the right way – coming here together having some money aside and ( me ) not relying on my parents support. I’ve already applied to some jobs there and had an interview ( might have the second and final one.. still don’t know ).

    Almost 2 weeks ago during a phone call with my parents, I told them I’m considering moving back to Warsaw. I told them I don’t feel good here on my own and I would rather be closer to my girlfriend. Right away they bombarded me with disapproval – they told me I shouldn’t go back there because while I was there I didn’t like it and I kept complaining about it. Also they kept repeating it should be my girlfriend who will have to sacrifice this time and not me. ( again ). They told me she is probably trying to manipulate me into going back there so she doesn’t have to leave. I didn’t like what they said and I told them I will do as I feel. It was such a draining conversation..I wasn’t able to say much.. I was just listening to a couple of sentences repeating for half an hour. I was already very tired both physically and mentally.. emotionally too. I was happy at least I’ve told them and I ”broke the ice” so to speak. I expected them to react this way, I told you. A few days later my dad wrote to me – he said he’s been thinking of me and he supports me, that everything will fall into place and I should stay positive.

    Since then, I’ve only texted my dad once on Friday, telling him I’ve decided to go to Warsaw and I’ve already had an interview for a job and a couple more prospects. Also, I told him I might go to Romania for a couple weeks before I start working in Warsaw. He replied to me quickly, asking me about the job I’ve found. Quickly after my reply he said that when he said he supports me he meant that he supports me staying in Spain and not to go back to Warsaw ( a place he helped me leave from – financially of course ). I was surprised to hear such words from him.. and not a work about me possibly going to Romania for a bit – I thought they might be happy to see me after a few months of not much contact. I told him that then, he shouldn’t support me. I didn’t know what else to say to that.. really.

    I see the price of all that support I’ve received.

    I have no idea how things will play out… I’m heading towards Warsaw with some money in my pocket but not that much. In a way I feel kinda homeless.. if I run out of money I wouldn’t be able to contribute to the food and bills in my girlfriend’s flat.. her mother’s actually. It’s all very stressful.. I know being there won’t be easy either.. but being here crashing with an almost stranger didn’t really support our goals.. I don’t think so. Right now I don’t know what comes next. Well.. we never really do anyways.. but I’d like my map to show a little further. These days I’ve felt so tired I just wanted to take a break, to rest.. not to think of anything at all. I couldn’t really.. but I’m hoping the next days I could relax a little bit.

    When I came here 3 months ago I did not expect this outcome at all. I just don’t see the lesson of this chapter. ( yet )

    At this point I’m so sleepy I couldn’t focus on typing anymore.. I slept very little and all the packing and organising took the best out of me. Later on today I’ll be back in Warsaw meeting my girlfriend.. starting again.. or continuing. In the mean time I could enjoy some time on my own.. just strolling around the airport.. maybe listening to a podcast 🙂

     

    Thank you for reading Anita, I hope you are doing fine! 🙂

    Robi

     

     

    #433512
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    I am fine, thank you, and.. you should be in Warsaw by now (I checked: 3 hrs. and 20 minutes flight from Alicante, Spain to Warsaw, Poland).

    I just know I’m doing what I think its the right thing to do. My girlfriend has been here for a week, we talked a lot about things… I decided to go to Warsaw and try to find work… I’ve already applied to some jobs there and had an interview“- good communication, direction and planning!

    Almost 2 weeks ago during a phone call with my parents… Right away they bombarded me with disapproval… they kept repeating it should be my girlfriend… is probably trying to manipulate me into going back there, so she doesn’t have to leave“- they are in your business, where they shouldn’t be. You are an adult (who is adulting), capable of evaluating your girlfriend better than they can. And I trust your evaluation of your girlfriend way more than I trust theirs because of all that you shared about your girlfriend, and because of what you shared about  your parents’ (particularly your mother’s) compromised mental health.

    A few days later my dad wrote to me – he said he’s been thinking of me and he supports me, that everything will fall into place and I should stay positive… he said that when he said he supports me he meant that he supports me staying in Spain and not to go back to Warsaw… not a work about me possibly going to Romania for a bit – I thought they might be happy to see me“- time to fully adult, to take the steps needed to adult, to no longer be your parents’ child. Together with your girlfriend, 2 adults, find a way, or ways. It won’t be easy, but endure and persist, one step at a time, allowing regressions and recoveries, keep moving forward.

    And please let me know how you are doing!

    anita

     

    #433708
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    6 days since I came back to Warsaw – what a strange week this has been. Arriving here felt very pleasant, I liked the vivid energy of the city right away. Sadly the next day I got an ear infection and I’ve been struggling with it since ( now its a lot better but I still feel a little off ). It took me less than 48 hours to feel like I regret leaving Spain to come here. In Spain I had (some) work and (some) privacy. Here, we live with my girlfriend’s mother in a small flat with no doors. ( I guess.. no privacy ). I knew all this before taking the decision to move back here – I lived in this flat, in these circumstances for more than half a year and I hated it always. Still, I decided to come here anyway. Not having a job also doesn’t make things easier.. having to manage a lot of free time has never been my best asset.

    Now.. as I was saying.. I knew I have to live with my girlfriend and her elderly mother and I took that step anyway. Now, I am quite uncomfortable and often I regret coming back here and I don’t see myself being here much longer. At least, not like this. Of course, If I get a job and a decent income we would be able to rent something of our own.. but that could take a while.

    The expected, happened. My girlfriend was telling me a few days before leaving Spain together – ” I’m afraid the moment we touch down you’ll start hating it again and you’ll start complaining about how bad it is to leave with my mother ”.  Well, right she was. And, I must’ve known that.. but somehow blocked it, covered it? How did I become so unaware of those months of hating being in an uncomfortable place? Why would I trick myself into it.. unless I.. subconsciously wanted to experience that?

    Oops. Feels like I’ve hit the nail in the head. Now.. what kinda freeko am I?

    To be honest, since I came back I felt very disappointed in myself. I felt like I should’ve know better by now. Also, I felt like maybe I overestimated my awareness and ability to put things together. I often felt pretty confident that I am growing in a healthy way and I’m making some great progress… but these days I felt like maybe I was wrong. Maybe I wasn’t as clever as I thought I was.. and maybe I failed a little.

    I feel like for years I’ve been living in the jungle and at early age I’ve lost my way. However,  I didn’t give up. I kept going and learning new skills. I trusted my compass and I started making progress.  Now, I’ve just realised I’ve been walking in circles all this time.. I’ve reached again the same spot. – this is how I’ve been feeling these days.

    I am a cocktail of mixed feelings right now. Part of me regrets my decision to come here and the other part keeps telling me that I should trust my decision. I’d like to believe I decided based on my intuition – as I often do. So here I am now, not having a f*cking clue about anything anymore. I feel ashamed of my stupidity.. leaving Warsaw because I didn’t want to be here anymore and after 3 months come back here because I didn’t want to be there anymore. And I tell myself I came back here in order to be with my woman. I’m sure there’s more to it. I feel like I’m missing something. There is something I don’t see.. I don’t quite see the bigger picture.

    Of course, I could always ask my previous landlord if I could have my old room back and go back to live in Alicante..which I’ve been considering these days. All this starts to look more and more.. like a game of ping-pong.

    I do trust the process.. I always did.. but this time I feel like I’ve drifted a little bit too far off the track. Maybe I’m wrong.. and all this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Either way… what a freak show this is. Really!

    I feel like I need to shake myself up a little.. I’m fed up with the way I’ve been handling things lately.. I’m really fed up and I feel like I can’t go on like this anymore. Some steps need to be taken in order to move on – because I gotta move on.. I can’t go on like this any longer.

    Maybe its the way I look at things. Maybe all my routines, workouts, meditations, breath work sessions don’t really make up for my negative mindset? Maybe I’m not seeing the positive things or the growth opportunities in my current situation? But.. what would I learn from living in uncomfortable circumstances?

     

    Interesting note to finish on I think… I will write soon again…

    Hope to hears from you soon Anita! Take good care!

    Robi

     

     

     

     

     

    #433712
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Robi

    Having a negative topsy turvey  yo yo mind is exhausting for you and impacts on those around you.  Learning to have an attitude of gratitude & appreciation will bring about a more positive stable  states of mind.  Spending time outside in nature especially since its summer and other free public amenities will minimize the time you are in the flat. When you are in the flat have the resolve to be friendly & helpful this will make life easier for all .

    regards Rob

     

    #433720
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Roberta,

    Thank you! Indeed – an attitude of gratitude has been something I’ve been working on for some time. I express gratitude, part of my daily practice of meditation. With no exception after I meditate, I think of lets say a number of aspects of my life I am grateful for – I feel good, positive, balanced and connected.

    I think, in reality what I am doing is not adopting an attitude of gratitude but expressing gratitude in the first part of the day for a couple of minutes. Later on I switch back into my ”original” programming and this way the rest of the day my attitude doesn’t match what I previously cultivated during my morning practice.

    The gratefulness practice I’m doing in the morning must be hosted by my conscious mind and the rest of the day I probably operate from my programming ( which is unconscious ). Making the unconscious, conscious – that’s what everyone keeps talking about. Interesting 🙂

    Thank you for your insight, funny enough these days I’ve been thinking a lot about how my beliefs are affecting the way I perceive the world around me and I was thinking a lot about gratitude.

     

     

     

    #433721
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    “It took me less than 48 hours to feel like I regret leaving Spain to come here. In Spain I had (some) work and (some) privacy. Here, we live with my girlfriend’s mother in a small flat with no doors… My girlfriend was telling me a few days before leaving Spain together – ‘I’m afraid the moment we touch down you’ll start hating it again…’…. leaving Warsaw because I didn’t want to be here anymore, and after 3 months come back here because I didn’t want to be there anymore… I feel like I’m missing something. There is something I don’t see.. I don’t quite see the bigger picture. Of course, I could always ask my previous landlord if I could have my old room back and go back to live in Alicante.. which I’ve been considering these days. All this starts to look more and more.. like a game of ping-pong”-

    – My easy “answer” or suggestion would be: yes, Robi, you feel so uncomfortable, so go back to Alicante, and maybe you will feel comfortable there! But this answer will keep the ping-pong game going. This is not what growing up- becoming adult is about: it’s about the bigger picture= enduring discomfort and becoming more of a quality person as a result, more of .. a quality adult.

    At this time, in your situation and quest to adult, I suggest that you remove your focus from your own discomfort (and quest for comfort) and focus on the comfort of your girlfriend and her mother. Try to make them feel comfortable. Say and do what will promote their comfort. Do that and let me know how it feels for you, will you?

    anita

    #433722
    anita
    Participant

    Adding to my above reply: instead of giving in to your discomfort and going back to Alicante, transcend your discomfort and stay in Warsaw. Focus on being grateful, caring and kind to your girlfriend and to her mother, the people who opened their little home to you.

    anita

    #433765
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Robi

    I am glad that you start your day intentionally.

    Most of us mooch thru the day and only bring gratitude to mind when something either nice or scary/ horrid jolts us out of our dreamlike existence ie you narrowly miss getting hit by a car phew thank goodness wakes us up to how fragile & precious our lives are.

    Where as in reality moment by moment there are things to be grateful the clothes you put on were made by some one else  along with the food & utensils, the transport, the building you live in. even your electronic devices.  Strangers alive & dead have given us so much from the moment of our birth to beyond our last breath. It is easy to pause every couple of hours look around you & take a few moments to acknowledge the interconectedness of our lives.

    regards

    Roberta

    #433927
    anita
    Participant

    Thinking about you, Robi, hoping you are okay.

    anita

    #434017
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m okay! A lot has been happening these 2 weeks… most of the time I’ve been ill. First I had an ear infection and right after some spider bit and my foot got swollen. It hasn’t been easy to be here since I came… with the mother and the tiny space. Although uncomfortable, I was going to try to make a better effort in integrating in this flat.. but her mother wasn’t very happy with me being here so I decided to go to Romania until I find a job in Warsaw. I know it doesn’t sound ideal but in this case I think its the right thing to do. Since my savings will run out and I don’t have any other options I will go to Romania and actively look for work and return here once I have a job. Let’s see.. I’m both terrified and excited about it. I feel its a new chapter, I feel like I’m moving on and this is a necessary step. I hope this time I manage to find better ways to communicate with my parents.. I feel like I want to establish a better relationship with them this time. All will fall into place!

    Have a nice day Anita! 🙂

    Robi

     

    #434019
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    Good to read back from you! I hope that the spider bite heals, and wish you well on your new chapter! Please post again once you are back to Romania (or before)!

    anita

    #434785
    Robi1992
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’ve been here for a little more than 2 weeks now. Before leaving Warsaw I committed to implement a routine for my stay in Romania so I can make sure I won’t fall into old habits. On top of my workouts and meditations, on week days I would spend 2 hours applying for jobs in Warsaw and by now, I must’ve applied for about 50 jobs. I always found it hard not to procrastinate if there’s no job or nowhere I need to be – I used to say I find it difficult to always ”invent” a day – to come up with a schedule where I feel like I’m actually doing something, something constructive. I often felt like I was wasting a lot of time ( and I’m sure in many cases,  I was ). However, my routine proved to be beneficial. I kept my eyes on the prize – to go back to Warsaw, having a job to go to. I guess I might do just that – tomorrow I have an interview for a job in Warsaw. Let’s see – I’ll do my best to get this job.

    Meanwhile I was here, spending some time with my parents, having nice food doing sports and enjoying the nature.My mother was away for a week so I managed to spend some time with my dad alone too – that was pretty nice, I don’t remember if we’ve ever spent time together. We get along pretty well the 2 of us. My mother is a little harder to handle but things are okay, there are no conflicts or games being played. It used to be more difficult for me to spend time here in the past, even recently but now I feel more confident and driven – I know better where I’m heading. In many ways I feel good about my decision to come here and disconnect a little from the usual. However, I feel a little stuck here.. and I don’t mean at home, I mean the city itself. I feel there isn’t any growth happening and I tend forget about my track and interests.. and join the general boring idle of this little town. Doesn’t really work for me, this overly comfy life makes me uncomfortable. That’s okay. I enjoy being here for the nature, every now and then for a while. I’m planning to go to Warsaw in a couple of weeks, but I’d have to have some job prospects first – I have to do it right this time. I don’t want my parents paying for my rent there. I’d rather stay in my own house here, rent free until I build myself financially.

    I feel like this time I managed to connect to both my parents a lot better. Maybe breaking the ice at the beginning of this year, telling them how they’ve wronged me removed some barriers. Of course there are still many triggers flying around me. They still seem to think I don’t know how to plug in the vacuum cleaner or put on the washing machine. But then again.. what do I care? That has nothing to do with me. I also managed to recconnect with my cousins which I almost forgot about. Turns out they didn’t 🙂

    So let’s see! I applied for a lot of stuff. Some of it will surely knock on my door. My door is wide open.

    I hope you are doing well too! It got soo hot here this summer… I’m struggling to get anything done during the day.

    Take good care,

    Robi

     

     

    #434795
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Robi:

    Good to read from you this not yet- hot morning!

    It got soo hot here this summer.. I’m struggling to get anything done during the day“- same here, hot and lots of insects thriving in the heat, so I am thoroughly bitten. Had Covid for a week or so, that didn’t help. Getting better now.

    Congratulations for planning and implementing a routine for your stay in Romania (workouts, meditations, applying for jobs in Warsaw, about 50 so far)!

    My routine proved to be beneficial. I kept my eyes on the prize – to go back to Warsaw, having a job to go to… I feel more confident and driven – I know better where I’m heading“- a Routine and a Purpose, a Goal, something to look forward to!

    I’ve been here for a little more than 2 weeks now… My mother was away for a week… My mother is a little harder to handle but things are okay, there are no conflicts“- you spent only one week with your mother so far. Avoid/ prevent conflicts with her because once there’s conflict, she’s likely to escalate it before you know it..(?)

    So let’s see! I applied for a lot of stuff. Some of it will surely knock on my door. My door is wide open“- I am looking forward to read good news about you getting a job and moving to Warsaw. In the meantime, take good care of yourself!

    anita

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