Forum Replies Created
January 4, 2019 at 8:51 pm #272351
I’m in a hurry, so can’t look back at who said what, or even to check your name. I’m sorry about that.
But I do agree with whoever said that this place is a good place to connect with people.
As far as out in the real world, maybe some classes or some support group would be good. In larger cities there can be painting and wine bars (though you don’t have to drink wine while you paint, if you don’t want to). In small towns, it could be tougher. I lived in a small town for my teen years, and it seemed like there was almost nothing there. So, depending on your area and circumstance, maybe even just getting out in nature and talking to people there, or finding some some class or group, even if just knitting or painting or anything.
I’m sorry for not doing better with this post because I have to get off this computer so quickly.
MimiJanuary 2, 2019 at 5:22 pm #272057
Anita, you’re right, it does make sense that a therapist would have to have similar beliefs, in order to help the person.
nextsteps, yes, my mum would have a hard time dealing with any therapist who chose a religious perspective – she lost any faith she had when my sister died
I will check out that site you mentioned.
MimiDecember 31, 2018 at 8:14 pm #271743
It sounds to me like your son, because of his drinking and because of other issues he has, is very particular and demanding, and is used to manipulating you into doing things his way. I’ve known people like this, often drinkers, but sometimes not. The drinking only makes some of their worst personality traits increase.
It’s really not you, and you should try your best to not feel guilty. Taking one trip a year is very different than traveling all over the place all the time, like he said. It does seem like he doesn’t understand you or your problems – age, distance, etc. It’s kind of selfish of him to only see things from his own perspective, though I do understand things Anita said about not wanting to add to his stress. It’s still unfair of him to put all this blame on you, as if you could make things perfect for him for Christmas.
If I was in your situation, I would try to say something to him like:
“I know you feel angry about us not coming up for Christmas, but it just wasn’t safe for us to drive, and it couldn’t work in other ways. I’m sorry that you were disappointed, because we really do care. Getting older makes things difficult, which you will understand someday. Possibly sometime, when you are down here, we could meet for a short visit (whatever you have time for) with you and the kids. Whatever works for you. Just let us know, and we will try to make it work. I love you very much. Mum.”
Something like that. Just a suggestion.
He does seem to have anger and control issues, plus the drinking, which is never easy. It sounds like you are being as reasonable as you can be, yet he still wants to push your buttons. I would suggest that you keep being as calm and kind as it sounds like you already have been, but don’t let him manipulate you or guilt you. Just tell him that you understand, but don’t take all that he is trying to dump on you and internalize it so much.
Seriously, I’ve dealt with angry, hostile, manipulative, and many other types of people. It’s not so easy, especially when you love them. Just do your best, and try to know that you are okay.
MimiDecember 31, 2018 at 7:52 pm #271735
It’s possible that you haven’t met the right woman yet, but even if you did right now, you would probably find that you would feel the need to end it with her, too. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you are afraid of loving and losing someone. That seems, to me, like exactly what is happening.
I’ve been in a delightfully happy marriage for 33 years (just had our anniversary), and I can tell you that there’s nothing like it. It’s not perfect, because nothing is, but it’s as close to it as you can get. We are good to each other and very much in love. If you expect any woman, or yourself, to be perfect, it will fail. But if you truly are kind and loving (and she is, too), something this good can be yours, too. It’s really worth it, and you know that already, because you are trying to get to this point.
I’ve felt the fear of losing my husband ever since I met him, because I knew he was different, and was the right man for me. Also, we’ve lost 4 very close and important family members in the last 20 years or so (including my beloved sister), and that has increased our fear of losing someone. My husband is better at pushing it aside and just living, and I try to do so, too, but when I am down or tired, or during illnesses, etc., it’s there a lot. It always will be, when you truly love and care about someone.
It is possible to have this fear, yet still make good choices and be happy and live your life. I guess finding a good therapist to help you through it would be one step. Also, when taking time for yourself, if you could focus more on your inner self than just your physical self, that might help. Like maybe do therapy, but also read a lot of self-help books, meditate, and things like that.
I guess that’s all I can think of. I hope it helps, even just a little bit.
MimiDecember 31, 2018 at 5:19 pm #271721
I like nextsteps’ suggestions. I was also thinking that maybe you could write a list of any and all things that you enjoy (keep adding to it whenever you think of something) and try to do one or more of those things each day.
I know it’s really not easy, though, to find anything at all that you like when you are very depressed. I have stretches of days or weeks when I get like that – when I say that I “hate everything” and I feel like I can’t enjoy anything – favorite shows, activities, people, or anything. It’s when all of the things that you would normally like just seem to suck. But still, try to see if there’s anything that you could look forward to doing, like making art. I mean, my paintings and drawings aren’t great, but I love doing them anyway.
I know you said you don’t see any way that your situation can change, but it’s not true. It might feel that way to you, in your present mental state, but it can change.
I’m also socially anxious, and stick to only a couple of family members and my husband most of the time, but even being around family drains me so much sometimes because I get hyper and nervous, so please understand that my suggestions aren’t being made by someone outgoing and confident.
More things I can think of that might help:
List any shows that you even can slightly enjoy and try to watch some.
Do exercise, because it can really help you feel better, over time. Walking, lifting some weights, doing YouTube aerobics videos, etc. Check with your doctor first, they say. Or just keep it mild enough to be safe, for now.
If you think you don’t consume or get (from sunlight) enough D, take a supplement. Disclaimer – check with your doctor to see if you need it, but I know I was extremely deficient (almost record-setting low, my doctor said), and it’s helping me to feel better. Also, you might need magnesium. Many people do.
Eat more vegetables, and just eat better, as best you can. Over time, that reduces your inflammation, and can help with depression.
List any hobbies to try. Anything you can accomplish or do can make you feel better.
Consider writing a book about your experiences, to help others. Even if you don’t turn it into an actual book, you might feel better getting some of it out.
Try to do short outings with anyone you like, or even by yourself. Like, go to a museum or art museum, or get out in nature (being near moving water can help – the negative ions help you feel better).
You can get comfortable being on your own and being around strangers, even just a little bit. Try to smile at friendly-looking people, or even comment about something, if you feel like it. If you get out and do things you like, and learn to love yourself more and enjoy your life as it is, then eventually you could be comfortable enough and might meet someone when you are out there living your life. You certainly can’t meet anyone at home, nor can you meet anyone when you are feeling so down. Don’t expect to find love in your current state – just work at feeling better first.
Also, try to avoid social media and the unrealistic (and fake) lives that it portrays. People’s lives aren’t as happy and perfect as they want you to believe. So, while you feel like other people are all in relationships, they aren’t really all as great as you might think.
Anyway, these are just suggestions. If you like any of them, you can make a plan for yourself. Oh, also visualize yourself feeling better. Close your eyes, counteract any negative thoughts with words and images. It can help.
Another thing I do is print some positive graphics from Buddha Doodles or anywhere online and also from this site we are on:
and put them up around the house so I can see them and be inspired. Or if you don’t have a printer, just write down the words and draw your own simple pictures to go with them. That in itself can be therapeutic (art therapy).
I know when you are severely depressed, anything can sound too hard or can sound like it won’t work, but just try a little bit at a time (like 5 minutes of exercise), and you maybe can gradually feel a bit better, then better and better.
Also, if things ever get even more serious, seek help. Don’t ever give up!
MimiDecember 31, 2018 at 4:34 pm #271707
Anita, I didn’t think anything you wrote was rude. In fact, it was extremely insightful, about how bullies are and how they are formed. I’m just guessing, and can’t speak for Lala, but I think sometimes people just get overwhelmed by all of the information and input and don’t know how to respond. I know that happens to me.
Lala, what you say is so true, about people who can dish out so much, but can’t take it. My mom criticized me (felt like it to me) for about 30 years (she’s been good for the last 27 years, once she chose to accept my complaints and change), but in all that time, and now, too, she can’t take even the slightest criticism, and I always think, “Jeez, what did you do to me for half my life, and YOU can’t take it?” So, I guess that’s how people are.
It’s good that you are trying to reduce and work on the stress aspect of this whole thing, because the anger, resentment, and stress can do such damage to your body and mind. The more you can do to help yourself overcome it (in a healthy way), the better.
I wish you peace and joy and love – every day – so you can get past this.
Actually, I wish the same to everyone here, because they are all such good people.December 31, 2018 at 4:19 pm #271701
Mark and Inky,
You made very good points on how to execute the push-back. Excellent!
MimiDecember 28, 2018 at 6:12 pm #271335
I’m sorry for what you went through, and how much it’s still hurting you.
It stinks that HR departments are so generally useless. At least, from my experience. My husband was bullied by a bunch of young women at the Kohl’s corporate headquarters (many awful co-workers (mean girls that were lazy workers), supervisors, and an evil HR department that lied and abused him – all contributing to his heart attack and to his mental and physical struggles after surgery).
I know it’s a different situation than yours, but it’s all bullying. It’s hard to understand those people and why they do what they do, when you are a good and kind and decent person (like my husband and like you).
It’s terrible that a company won’t get rid of a jerk like your manager, and instead makes things worse for you. It’s the same thing they usually do with sexual harassment.
Since you still have to see that jerk, maybe do something that makes you laugh inside, like picture his head exploding as you walk past him. Maybe it could divert some of your anger and pain, as you giggle about that image of him.
You’ve done all you can about him, so now just take care of yourself. Work on anything that helps you feel better – meditation, exercise, being with friends or family, hobbies, accomplishing something outside of work (something you’ve always dreamed of maybe), and things like that. Work on your inner peace (many helpful articles on this site) and try to let it go, as much as you can.
I hope you can feel better and better as time goes by.
MimiDecember 28, 2018 at 6:01 pm #271333
Also, it’s really good that you are being sensible, and not jumping into a marriage just for the sake of being married. Many people do that, and regret it later. You are wanting to be your best self, and find the best person for you, and that is REALLY, REALLY the most important thing, if you want to have a happy life. You are completely right about that.December 28, 2018 at 5:59 pm #271331
Just because you love your mother it doesn’t mean you have to keep taking that crap from her.
Of course she has selfish reasons for wanting you to have children, but she also maybe wants to worry less about you – to feel like you are “settled.” Still, that’s no reason to keep nagging at you about getting married and having kids.
You have a right to tell her to stop it. Make consequences, like blocking her, hanging up on her, if you want to do that. It’s the kind of thing I did with my mom years ago to stop her criticizing and nagging, and it worked and now we have a good relationship. But I do realize that it won’t work for everyone. It took several tries with me (complete breaks from my mom for a while), and eventually she wanted to change. Now our relationship has been really, really good – for many years. I know it doesn’t always go that way, though.
I just think you have the right to be treated better, so if you can find any way to achieve that, it would really be best for your mental health.
MimiDecember 7, 2018 at 4:42 pm #268313
When I saw your name, I thought of one of my favorite Buddha Doodles drawings. It’s on this page:
Look for the one that talks about a magical jewel inside us. You are a rare amulet that contains a magical jewel.
Now, back to your question.
One thing would be to spend some time studying so that you feel more competent. Just a little bit each day, and eventually you will feel more secure.
Also, do breathing and visualization each day and picture yourself being comfortable, happy, confident, and secure doing your work. A lot of it is probably in your mind, just thinking that you don’t know enough, when really you know more than you think you do.
I have anxiety and depression, too. Some things that can help are vitamin D (if you are actually deficient), magnesium, omega 3s, and exercise. Aerobic exercise can help burn off stress and can lift your mood, over time, and strength training has been shown to help women feel more confident (I don’t know why, but studies say it’s true).
That’s all I can think of for now. I hope it helps.
MimiDecember 7, 2018 at 4:12 pm #268309
I’m not trying to judge, really. Just trying to give advice. It does seem superficial, to me, to think that you need a lot of sexual partners, or that you need someone very attractive.
Are you realistic about being with someone who is at an equal level of attractiveness to your own? If you watch a lot of porn, your attitudes can get warped about how beautiful or sexy you “need” a woman to be.
Also, social media and fictional things, like movies or TV, don’t portray reality. You may think that other people have so much sex or so many partners, but even if some of it is true, that type of existence is a pretty empty and unhappy one, for most of those people.
Loving yourself first is key, then living your life (not just sex), then the person who is right for you will come into your life.
Sex isn’t the main thing in life, it’s just a part of life. Being loved for your whole self, not just your body, is what will really make you happy.
I think you will probably want to learn to let go of your extreme fantasies, and learn to just love and be loved instead.
p.s. I wrote all of that before seeing your newest post.
August 14, 2018 at 12:19 am #221389
- This reply was modified 8 months, 2 weeks ago by Mimi.
I read most of your post and some of the replies. What I didn’t see was anyone saying that five 16 oz. beers plus 5 shots of hard liquor is quite a lot of alcohol.
I’m not judging you, but I do want you to be aware of what you are doing. Many people with anxiety, depression, and other problems do tend to turn toward alcohol, when they should run as far away from it (and drugs) as possible.
Of course getting black out drunk is very dangerous in this day and age, with all of the bad people you could come in contact with. I know you didn’t mean to get that way, but sometimes people just want to escape their problems so much that they do that. Even small amounts of alcohol can also contribute to the worsening of your anxiety, depression, and other problems.
I know a lot of people think, “Well, everyone drinks,” and things like that, but my husband has never touched drugs or alcohol (during decades of being an adult, and even as a teenager) and he’s the coolest, most amazing person that I know.
Just something to keep in mind. Whatever your problem, alcohol (or drugs) will only make things worse, in the long run.
A mother who hurts you emotionally is usually someone you will want to distance yourself from, over time. I didn’t see anything bad about your boyfriend in what you wrote, unless I missed it. That doesn’t mean to rush into things with him, but if he’s good to you and so is his family, it’s certainly not a relationship to break off just because of what someone else (your mother) says.
Just stay in touch with your own feelings and what you want from life, take things slowly, and start standing your ground with your mother. My mom used to be super-critical, but now she is wonderful. I had to stand up to her, cut off contact a few times, and eventually she got it. Not all parents can change like that. I was lucky that she wanted to change. It can happen, though.
I’m sorry if this reply is sort of unclear. I’m very low on sleep and shouldn’t be writing right now, but I wanted to see if I could help, even if just a little bit.
Good luck with everything. Take care of YOU first. Be true to what you want and need in life.
MimiJanuary 24, 2018 at 11:16 pm #188827
Thank you for the advice. I printed it to keep consulting it.
I hope this message will post. I’ve been trying for two days. Husband updated our Java, so maybe it will work this time!
Thank you again!
p.s. Just realized that maybe I should’ve posted this in the “Emotional Mastery” section. I never know where to put things. Sometimes they seem to fall under multiple topics.December 4, 2017 at 6:59 pm #180571
p.s. (as if you needed to read more)
Also, my friend, who I email with (I can’t handle long phone calls), has many, many problems, both new and in the distant past, and I’ve experienced a lot of stress dealing with her things, too.
Jeez, is it any wonder that I’m a mess?