December 4, 2018 at 8:03 am #267679
Hi everyone! I’m new to this forum. Nice to meet you all.
I would like to share some background with you and seek advice on this problem.
So I have started feeling down a lot 4-5 years ago. It was when I first went to my university’s counselling service. However, I could never explain how I really felt and I am also the type of person that keeps a lot of things to myself. I kept going to the counselling once a year but I couldn’t see any result. Everyone says I’m just stressed. But I had no motivation to do my uni work. I was still surprised that I could graduate from uni (even with low marks)
Last year, I became much more anxious. I isolated from people in my course most of the time because I was afraid that they would put down on me because I have no idea what I have studied in my course (which I have experienced that as well) This time I was able to graduate my Master’s Degree with good marks. But I still have zero confident in myself because I feel like I’m living a lie. I have this good degree from a credible university. Yet I know nothing.
Fast forward, I am now working currently with intelligent people. I have isolated myself from them again.. with the same mindset because I feel like they will know I am stupid and illogical. I am anxious every time I have to go into the meetings with the seniors. Also, as my work is on an independent basis, I don’t have to spend a lot of my time with others and so I tend to be alone and do not want to push myself to be around my colleagues because I feel anxious and scared that they will be sarcastic (which some of them have been) and that they will think I’m not as smart as them, and basically not suitable for my job. I cry all most every day since I have worked here. And there is also extra pressure from another graduate school which is a requirement for my workplace.
I feel like living every day with fear. I get scared a lot and never feel truly happy for a long while. I want to get myself back on track. Most people don’t see that I’m unhappy because I can pretend to be happy when people are around. But once I’m alone, while walking off the crowd, I can be teary… or sometimes cannot even hold my tears. I don’t know how to start taking care of myself
If you have any suggestions, please give me the advice, or share any experience that you have felt. Thank you for taking your time to read.
PS: *Whenever I take tests on anxiety and depression, I usually get ‘severe’ results on both topics. I don’t have suicidal thoughts. I only think that if I accidentally die, it would be nice. But I won’t seek death by myself.December 4, 2018 at 1:24 pm #267815
You wrote that you have a Master’s degree from a credible university with good marks and yet you feel that you passed the classes somehow with good grades but that you don’t really know the subject matter, did I understand correctly? If so, can you elaborate on how you did it, how you managed to pass the classes with good grades without knowing the subject matter or acquiring the required skills?
And how do you manage to remain employed feeling significantly inferior to your colleagues?
I am asking these questions because I think that feeling competent professionally will be a great contribution to your mental health, and that whatever you are lacking in professional competency, you can still acquire.
I will soon be away from the computer for about fifteen hours. I hope you reply to me and I hope other members post to you before I am back.
anitaDecember 7, 2018 at 4:42 pm #268313
When I saw your name, I thought of one of my favorite Buddha Doodles drawings. It’s on this page:
Look for the one that talks about a magical jewel inside us. You are a rare amulet that contains a magical jewel.
Now, back to your question.
One thing would be to spend some time studying so that you feel more competent. Just a little bit each day, and eventually you will feel more secure.
Also, do breathing and visualization each day and picture yourself being comfortable, happy, confident, and secure doing your work. A lot of it is probably in your mind, just thinking that you don’t know enough, when really you know more than you think you do.
I have anxiety and depression, too. Some things that can help are vitamin D (if you are actually deficient), magnesium, omega 3s, and exercise. Aerobic exercise can help burn off stress and can lift your mood, over time, and strength training has been shown to help women feel more confident (I don’t know why, but studies say it’s true).
That’s all I can think of for now. I hope it helps.
MimiDecember 7, 2018 at 10:32 pm #268351
Go and see a specialist. Do so for at least a year or more. You yourself admit that you are not likely to share anything about how you’re feeling with others but as you continue to bottle up your emotions without letting it out, you are experiencing the backlash right now. Emotions are there to let you know whether you are doing okay but you continue to compress it inside without trying to understand it because you fear the judgment of others. And it’s reasonable because not everyone is kind enough to accept your emotional problem as you being human. So go out there and find someone who won’t blink at what you tell them because in the end what is stopping you from opening up is you yourself. Find the courage to seek professional help, find the courage to look inside and address that dead weight, emptiness, fear. You are the only one who can help yourself right now by finding that courage to take that first step.
Best of luck.December 10, 2018 at 12:08 pm #268731
The stress most people go through in grad school isn’t talked about enough; I don’t think there’s a better way for someone’s confidence to be all but obliterated. I think that you still haven’t escaped the mentality that you’re less than. I also think if you want this to change you’ll have to prove it to yourself.
Set goals that will push you outside of your comfort zone inch by inch. Journal. Share your experiences with others; find a different online forum, such as OKClarity which is the Jewish wellness blog I use, or continue using tiny buddha’s, just so long as you’re actively using these resources as a way to confront your mental health.
I’m sure that as you were writing this post out, for example, you felt a lot of different emotions welling up. That’s what it takes to really care about your wellness, being more self-aware about these emotions and where they stem from. Only then will you be able to do anything about the root cause, and begin to see change.