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So very scared about medical stuff

HomeForumsEmotional MasterySo very scared about medical stuff

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  • #179851
    Mimi
    Participant

    I haven’t been to a doctor in years, because it scared and confused me and I had to go through a lot of testing and one surgery (breast things that ended up fine).  So, I just quit, because the stress was too much.  Also, because of my interstitial cystitis (bladder issues making it tough to go to appointments).

    Now for a month or more I’ve had symptoms that can be ovarian cancer (abdominal enlargement (not gaining weight, actually losing a bit) and bloating).  Thought it would go away, but it didn’t, so I finally got help finding a good gynecologist to go to.  I can’t get in to see him until the 21st of December, even though they know my concerns.  I’m on a waiting list to get in earlier, but who knows.

    I’ve been living in constant fear both before and after making this appointment.  I know there’s a slight chance that my symptoms could be from other things, but I’m very afraid that it’s serious.

    I have interstitial cystitis and gallbladder problems, so even going to an appointment is rough.  So, I’m afraid of that, afraid of the testing I have to go through, then if they find anything, it’s surgery, then if it’s cancer, I might even die, because ovarian cancer is hard to beat.  I know these are all just what-ifs, but each step is terrifying to me, even if it doesn’t get worse and worse.  Still, my mind keeps going to what might be happening.  I’m just constantly terrified.

    Also, I’m very overweight, so surgery seems risky and scary, too.  It’s all just fear, fear, fear happening for me right now.  I keep trying to distract myself (TV and games) and I do work when I feel up to it, but I’m so scared and don’t know how to feel okay.  I am taking some Xanax to help with the anxiety, but I still feel scared out of my mind most of the time.

    We also have money troubles, we can’t have a (potentially comforting) cat right now for various reasons, and there are a bunch of other problems, but the main thing is this paralyzing fear about my health.  I’m lucky to have a wonderful husband, mother, and one friend, but no one can really help me much with this.

    Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can calm down and cope with all of this?  I can’t seem to even live my life right now, figure out things to do, or know how to be okay each day.

    Christine

    #179939
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Christine:

    Anxiety is difficult to  live with. It  is very difficult to take action on issues that scare us  so.  Like you wrote, fear is paralyzing, causing a person to feel incapable of action.

    The symptoms you described could be just  bloating- I experienced it myself. Maybe the anxiety causes overeating which causes that bloating. Bloating is definitely way  more common than ovarian cancer. Did you notice, on days you eat less, or days you eat less fiber/ vegetables,  if the symptoms improve?

    Nonetheless, you should see  a doctor, of course. When an action seems overwhelming, the  way  to go about it is to break the action into small steps and focus only on the one  small  step ahead of you. Making a phone call and  taking a  note of  such a call is such a step. If you can,  best you can, think of nothing else  but that one step. After that one step, relax best  you can, congratulate yourself for having  done that  one step.

    Then, after some  time, think of another small step, focus only on it, best you can,  and repeat.

    Post  again, if you’d  like.

    anita

    #180277
    Mimi
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for your advice.  I am trying to calm down, but still keep going into panic and terror quite often.  It’s just too long to have to wait to get into the doctor, but it seems to be that way nowadays.

    I’ve actually lost weight in recent months, which is why the lower abdominal size increase does frighten me a lot.  The bloating near the waistline can sometimes be related to my gallbladder, but the lower area doesn’t change or improve.  Very scary.

    I just hope they have a cancellation, and get me in sooner.  I’m waiting.

    Thank you very much for your suggestions.

    Christine

    #180313
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mimi:

    You are welcome. I hope you do see a  doctor sooner  than later. Without  an appointment is there urgent care/ emergency care available?

    You wrote that  you lost weight but the bloating in the “lower  area” did not improve: you mean the area  of  the large   intestine, correct? From personal  experience, such extreme bloating can be all about gas and it  is not relieved  by losing weight.  Severe bloating, as uncomfortable and unattractive as  it  looks and feels, has  not been dangerous, in my case.

    anita

    #180347
    Mimi
    Participant

    Anita,

    I do have an appointment.  It’s now “only” 19 days away.  They might get me in sooner, if something opens up.  I’ve considered going somewhere else, but since this doctor was highly recommended I’m reluctant to go to someone else.  If I develop any worse symptoms, I would almost certainly go in somewhere sooner, or call the doctor’s office again.

    The waistline area is more of the “bloating” thing, like when my gallbladder feels worse (from eating some fat), but the enlargement that sticks around more is the stomach pooch down low (was there before, but then seemed bigger).  Sometimes (when feeling more calm and sane) I feel like it could be all about menopause, wheat, dairy, or other simple things like that, but when I get anxious and scared (or escalate into terror and panic), then I think of much worse possibilities.  I won’t know until they check things.

    I’m also scheduled to see another doctor two days before the gynecologist.  These are just the days that were open for each of the doctors.  My mom goes to the general doctor herself, and he will do extensive blood testing, so far as I know.  Between the two appointments, I guess we will figure out what is happening.  Of course, I hope it’s the mildest problem possible.

    I know most people are afraid of doctors, but I feel like I’m about a million times more scared.  Funny, considering that the man who I thought was my biological father (until recently) is a doctor, and my late sister was a naturopathic doctor (wish she was here to help).  I always wondered how they could do those jobs, because I certainly never could.

    Anita, I’m sorry for going on so much about this.  Thank you for listening and caring.

    Mimi

     

     

     

    #180363
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mimi:

    You are welcome and no need to apologize for “going on so much about this”- go on as much as you would like, not a problem with me.

    How interesting, the man you thought was your biological father until recently is a  doctor? And your sister died… elaborate, if you’d like, if you feel comfortable doing  so.

    It so happens that I am reluctant to go to doctors myself, by the way. But when I finally see one, it is not so bad, hasn’t been so, a relief, really.

    anita

    #180569
    Mimi
    Participant

    Anita,

    [very long – I won’t blame you if you don’t want to slog through it all]

    Yes, my “dad” was a gynecologist (we were never very close), and he constantly cheated on my mom.  After a few years of that, she did the same, and that man is probably who our father was.  Mom didn’t tell my sister Kim about the father thing until Kim was dying, and Kim insisted that Mom tell me, too.  So, about age 50, finding that out, and no chance to really discuss it with any of them, because Mom doesn’t like talking about it, “Dad” I cut out of my life long ago (bad guy all around), and the other man is long since dead.  Kim was too ill to really discuss things by then.  Plus, I was freaking out and not handling her death well at all.  I wasn’t close enough to her, like I should have been.  I would go there to her house, but not talk much or be near her and her hospital bed.  I didn’t mean to be an ass.  I was just unable to cope.  Other people even stayed away completely, so I guess I wasn’t as bad as that.  I was mostly hanging out with her son, who was only 5 years old then.

    My sister Kim had Lyme disease for years, but died from cancer.  She felt something was wrong and kept getting tests, but they couldn’t find the cancer.  Most people didn’t believe she was sick and wanted her to just shut up and even acted like she was nuts (even family members), but I believed her and my husband did, too.  The cancer was hard to detect until it was way too late – it was thin sheets of cancer that scans couldn’t pick up.  I think it started at the liver.  It’s been just over 5 years now that she is gone and it’s still very hard.

    My husband and I used to live in a house with his family.  His mom never wanted us to leave, and neither did we, and we never could afford to, really.  But mostly we just all loved being together – his mom and dad in one area, his aunt in another, and us in another part of the house.  All together and so loving and close.  It was amazing.  Earlier there was also an uncle and my brother-in-law, but in later years, it was just the 5 of us.  We lost my father-in-law some years ago, then more recently my mother-in-law, then my sister died, then a while after that my husband’s aunt (all those who loved us very much), then two weeks later, my husband’s heart attack and triple or quadruple bypass surgery (luckily, it went fine).  So, in the last few years, it’s been quite a lot, and we are having a hard time, still, dealing with all of it.

    It’s just not the same as losing some regular relatives, because my husband’s parents felt like they were my parents, too.  They were so good to me, and I tried to be so good to them, too.  They loved doing things with us and hanging out, talking, etc.

    We also had too many problems with cats being sick or dying, so right now we can’t afford or deal with that, so I’m lonely without one.  We had various cats for 30 years.  All amazing in their own way, but our second one was incredible, unbelievable, so loving!  I miss all of them, too.

    Right now, few people are left in our lives, because we are introverted and have always stuck close to home.  We have my adopted sister, who isn’t that close to me emotionally, my best friend that I just email with, my wonderful husband (so, so grateful for him), and my mother (love her a lot, too).  My childhood was rough, though not as bad as some people I know.  Mom used to be sort of bad and critical for about 30 years of my life, but I forced her to change by cutting her off a few times.  Luckily, she learned to change herself.  I know you can’t really force someone to change, but now she is really loving, kind, caring, and wonderful, and has been for a long time.

    It’s hard having only a few people, and worrying about losing more, and worrying about being sick myself.

    Aren’t you sorry that you suggested that I might want to elaborate?  I only went on so long, because it all seems so complicated, but also incomplete if I don’t mention other parts.

    I’m glad that your doctor experiences haven’t been that bad.  When I used to go, I kept having mammograms and then they had to do one needle biopsy and one surgical biopsy, and they were fine, but I felt like I was going through too much and couldn’t handle it.  Now it’s been so long that I worry what they might find.

    I was in an absolute panic again this morning, had to take a bit more Xanax, then eventually felt better.  These days have been rough, just waiting to even start this whole process of appointments and tests and whatever.   Hoping and praying that they don’t find anything, or that I just have some simple problems.

    Anita, thank you again for listening.  I know this went on far too long.  I guess the floodgates were opened by just your couple of simple questions.  I proofread this once, but now my husband is home and I must get going.

    If you manage to get through all of this (or even if you don’t), thank you for “listening” to whatever part of this you made it through.

    Mimi

    #180571
    Mimi
    Participant

    p.s. (as if you needed to read more)

    Also, my friend, who I email with (I can’t handle long phone calls), has many, many problems, both new and in the distant past, and I’ve experienced a lot of stress dealing with her things, too.

    Jeez, is it any wonder that I’m a mess?

    🙂

     

    #180605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mimi/Christine:

    Sincerely, not a problem for me reading your posts, not at all. I asked for more and am glad I received more of your story, more of your th0ughts and feelings.

    I thought about it only a few days ago, not as a result of reading your thread, and I think about it again at this moment: we humans are the only animals knowing we will die, knowing- when young and healthy- that it is possible that we will get sick at any time and that we will certainly die. It is this knowing that is enough to cause anxiety.

    It is overwhelming, when we think about it, that we will come to an end, the end of ourselves as we are, the end of  our lives. It is overwhelming, when we think about it, isn’t it, to know we have no real safety against disease, that we can increase our chances to live healthily and longer, but far from guarantee it.

    What I try to do, and am doing, is relaxing best I can into Reality, all that reality is. Not that it will take away all the fear, not that I will not be intensely afraid in the future, but right now I am relatively calm and have been calmer for a while.

    Relaxing into Reality, what does it mean, you might ask. It is relaxing first, the body relaxing, letting go of the tense posturing, the tense breathing, the .. the tension. And it is about thinking in according to reality, congruent with reality:

    If every single living thing that has ever lived on this earth has died and will die, then isn’t it business as usual, and not an exception, a tragedy? Well, maybe it is not such a bad thing. After all, this anxiety will then end, any and all suffering for me will end when I die. That is an advantage, isn’t it?

    When others we care about die, they too will no longer suffer. Oh, but we do, we suffer their absence, their unfulfilled dreams, their unlived lives. I suffer from this thought already. So much suffering, so much waste. Reality.

    We, humans, often treat death as if there is a chance that it will not happen. To really accept that it will… do you think it is possible, to accept, to relax into its inevitability, and so feel calmer about it?

    Our fear of disease and of death never helps, never prevents, but only increases our chances of disease and  earlier death. Anxiety never helps, it only hurts. So there is a definite advantage to not be anxious.

    I hope you post again, as long as you would like and as many times as you would.

    anita

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