Hi Lala,

Thank you for posting your negative work experiences here, I am sure that this is something people will be able to relate to as unfortunately it goes on in a lot of office environments. I had a similar experience a few years back and went through a tough time with a co-worker and can only imagine how difficult it must seen coming from a manager.

The good things about your situation is that you dealt with it and got transferred, and let me say that from experience, it is usually rare that you are the only one that sees how negative and unpleasant this bully is and trust me, other people notice this behaviour though they’re too scared to jeapordise their position and cause a fuss especially since they need to face this person daily.

In my experience, I noticed that I was focusing on the negative once the bully left, and wasn’t around. I asked the same question why me, and the truth was that I was friendly and seen as a prerson they could stroke their ego with, a punching bag. To someone sensitive as me, I had to learn to let go of the experience. I meditate and try and understand the nature of people like that and see why they may be compelled to act how they do. This helped me get over the negativity and move forward, and also influence how I deal with work colleagues in the future. Basically these type of people rarely do things out of a need to help others but more have egos that keep them stuck in that way amd giving them the satisfaction of reacting to their antagonism feeds them. Ask yourself if a person constantly behaves a certain way, do you expect anything different? Probably not so you know what to expect. Bullies exist everywhere and are usually always making up for some shortcomings so all you can do is not respond to their attacks but instead progress on town path and embrace your work whilst garnering the respective ct of people who value your strengths. This might seem difficult but there is strength in moving forward regardless of a bully’s actions, I know, i have done it before.

Forgive the long response and also if it sounds like a ramble but hope it helps bring some peace of mind and a helpful view on something that many people go through.

best wishes,

Jahrin

Dear Lala:

You asked for advice on how to get over this sooner.

My advice is to understand the situation better. Before I go on I want  to state clearly that what this man did was wrong and that I wish he was fired for it, or removed to a working environment where he doesn’t  manage people or interact with people otherwise. Also, my purpose is not that you to feel empathy for him, and to justify his abuse  of you!

You wrote: “I feel like he didn’t  get the punishment that he deserves and I hope Karma does its job someday”- the thing is, his punishment already happened way before he  met  you. He acted out his past hurts against you. He was already hurt way before, this is why he has anger management  issues. Anger  follows hurt.

When he compared  you to other people, it is because when he was a child he was either compared to other children unfavorably, or ignored while others were attended to  positively and he was so very jealous and angry then.

That “intimidating & irritated  tone” he used against you,  is probably the tone a parent used  against  him in voice or in facial appearance, and so  on.

Abuse begets abuse, not only by parents against their children in the context of homes, but also in the work place, in the streets, in politics, anywhere and everywhere and we  all suffer.

Best we can do is seek justice  best we can, hold the abusers accountable so that they stop abusing us and other people and make sure we don’t pass  on the hurts by yet abusing more people.

Did you think about writing him a letter or so, anything you can do other than what you did with HR or any other agency perhaps?

anita

* Happy New Year, Inky. I hope you have a very  good 2019!

anita

Anita, I didn’t think anything you wrote was rude.  In fact, it was extremely insightful, about how bullies are and how they are formed.  I’m just guessing, and can’t speak for Lala, but I think sometimes people just get overwhelmed by all of the information and input and don’t know how to respond.  I know that happens to me.

Lala, what you say is so true, about people who can dish out so much, but can’t take it.  My mom criticized me (felt like it to me) for about 30 years (she’s been good for the last 27 years, once she chose to accept my complaints and change), but in all that time, and now, too, she can’t take even the slightest criticism, and I always think, “Jeez, what did you do to me for half my life, and YOU can’t take it?”  So, I guess that’s how people are.

It’s good that you are trying to reduce and work on the stress aspect of this whole thing, because the anger, resentment, and stress can do such damage to your body and mind.  The more you can do to help yourself overcome it (in a healthy way), the better.

I wish you peace and joy and love – every day – so you can get past this.

Actually, I wish the same to everyone here, because they are all such good people.

Dear Lala:

You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes for me. I hope this new year is a good year for you!

I just noticed that you wrote a Dec 30: “I will ignore/ not respond to rude comments and  focus on my work if I ever come across someone like him”- I don’t  think that this is a good plan. Instead, if and when a person mistreats you like this man had, stand up, stand up straight with your head held high, look him in the eye, make your face strong, unafraid, angry. And say to him with a strong, angry voice: F**& you!

Or something like that, strong, something  that cannot possibly be understood as  anything  but valid, justified anger.

anita