Stuck on repeat

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December 30, 2018 at 8:53 am #271505
Wanderer
Participant
Since suddenly losing my mother at 19, I have been unable to form healthy relationships with women. At 32 years old, I have slept with 36 women, and feel incredibly empty. As my friends around me get engaged/married/bring children into this world, I am left worried that I will never break this habit. It seems I enjoy the chase of pursuing a new partner, but as soon as I sense they are “into me”, I feel an overwhelming sensation to stop all contact. The more I try to deny/ignore this feeling and just “run with it”, the more depressed I feel. The longer I go without breaking off contact, the more it “eats into me”.

I do not want to continue in this manner, I would love to “hold down a relationship” and quit playing these silly games. I have hurt so many people in the past and would describe myself as being selfish and preoccupied with what other people think of me. I recognise these ugly traits, and try to avoid female contact. I have gone years without meeting anyone, instead trying to “focus on myself”, however eventually I get bored and repeat this cycle. I would really like to find practical methods to help fix this major problem which prevents me from living my life. I am worried I am incapable of love since my mother passed. I don’t remember ever feeling this way before she died. I have met so many lovely people that were very worthy of being long term partners, yet I have sabotaged each encounter. I am deeply concerned I will die alone. I would describe myself as emotional, and have always wished to just “snap out of it”. I do feel this is within my control, but feel lost as to how to go about making change
- This topic was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Wanderer. Reason: Formatting
December 30, 2018 at 6:13 pm #271551

Mark
Participant

Wanderer,

I wonder what else have you done to address this issue besides taking a hiatus from dating. What things have you done to “focus on myself”?

You are asking for practical methods? Have you tried therapy? Have you tried having platonic friendships with women?

Mark

December 31, 2018 at 4:17 am #271591

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Wanderer:

You are 32. You “enjoy the chase of pursuing a new partner”, but as soon as you sense that a woman is into you, you feel “an overwhelming sensation to stop all contact”. Many of the women you met were “very worthy of being long term partners”. You tried to proceed with relationships in spite of that sensation but felt more and more depressed. The trying to remain in a relationship with a woman who is into you “eats into (you)”.

You wrote that you want to “quit playing these silly games”, to no longer “being selfish” and having these “ugly traits”. You tried in the past to avoid women so to focus on yourself but what happened was you got bored and pursued women again, repeating “this cycle”.

You are worried about the following: “I am incapable of love since my mother passed”- do you mean that you were so hurt by the sudden loss of your mother when you were 19, that you are afraid to become emotionally attached to a woman and then lose her too?

I don’t think these are “silly games” and that you are “playing these silly games”. I think that you need a relationship and you are scared of it at the same time, conflicted. In addition, you enjoy the superficial parts of dating, and the sex, I suppose, so you are attracted to that part.

You asked for “practical methods to help fix this major problem”- I can’t think of any possible method without looking into what it is that scares you.

I hope to read more from you and continue to communicate with you.

anita

December 31, 2018 at 8:34 am #271655

Wanderer
Participant

Dear Mark/Anita,

Thank you for your joint responses. I hugely appreciate your input, especially after having lurked on this site and read your responses to others. I feel lucky to have such two kind souls contributing to this.

@Mark – Good point. My extended periods of abstinence seem to have solved little. By focusing on myself, I have embarked on a “get fit” lifestyle. Over the last year I have tried my best to workout 5-6 times a week, prepare my healthy meals in advance and prioritise sleep. To some extent I would agree that this is “focusing on myself”, however I do feel that perhaps I am again doing this for the “wrong reasons”. In other words, I feel it contributes to the shallow outlook I currently have. Being aesthetic, to be able to attract equally aesthetic women with “ideal” figures seems to be my priority currently. So in all honesty, perhaps I am not “focusing on myself” at all. Maybe I’m not sure how to do this. I certainly haven’t used my time well over the last several years. I sense I need to spend more time self reflecting, to listen to my inner needs, to become more self aware, but struggle how to actually go about doing this.

With regards to practical methods, I have tried talking with someone in the past. I guess I had about 20 sessions over a 1 month basis. The consensus was denial. I will elaborate on this later on. Regarding platonic relationships with women, I have never tried this. I feel frustrated because the conclusion I arrived at previously was to give this a try. Yet here I am again doing the same thing. For some reason I always end up jumping into bed with someone. I can’t ever recall just getting to know someone beforehand. I think in all honesty, I must objectify women.

@Anita – To supplement my background, I lost my mother in tragic circumstances. She was perfectly healthy, then I receive a phonecall form the Dr saying to come to the hospital ASAP. On arrival I was informed she had suffered a brain aneurysm, and would never be the same person I knew. Of course this didn’t sink in, until I saw her. Her arms were turning in on themselves as she laid there severely brain damaged and frothing at the mouth. I have always been considered emotional, and used to get particularly upset at the sight of disabled people as a youngster. So was particularly distressing for me to see my mother now a “vegetable”. ( I really hate this term, but feel it was necessary to use this word owing to the condition she was in). For 1 week she laid there, whilst doctors kept reminding us that even if she did manage to recover, she would never be able to speak/function as we knew her. I found it very difficult to grieve for mum. At 19 I had a 16 year old sister to look after, who couldn’t possibly see me get upset. I was also in the middle of my exams at university and knew mum’s priority would have been for me to finish. My mum raised myself and my younger sister, my father was not around growing up.

Yes. I do worry that I am incapable of love due to what happened to my mum. It would make sense why I haven’t been able to form healthy relationships with women. I really do suffer with the “eating into me” part. It has been suggested to me in the past, that by breaking off contact with women, I am reliving the death of my mum. This would explain why I struggle to end contact. The denial I touched upon (in above answer to Mark) stems from the inability to easily break off contact with someone I consider “worthy”. In other words, my history with women falls into 1 of 2 categories. Either I consider them “unworthy”, then purely use them for sex/casual fun, or consider them “worthy/dateable” then struggle enormously to end contact. I try my hardest to fight it, and it sends me into a very deep depression. When I feel this way all I want to do is sleep. The only thing that has stopped this feeling is to finally break off contact. It feels like a huge catharsis. I am able to function again and not feel like I am fighting against myself. That inner turmoil is the worst feeling in the world for me. I have been here so many times, I am all too familiar with it. I should know better by now, to deal with it as soon as it comes, because it doesn’t go away! But instead I try to ignore it, to give the girl ” a chance” and see if I can break the spell, but it inevitably comes back with vengeance and literally “eats into me”. I’ve never been good at making I statements, I am indecisive, but I can confidently say I never want to feel this way again.

I feel I can often “beat around the bush”. I am sure I can ramble on with endless anecdotes, but to try and follow suit with how your responses to my post were so appropriate, I will attempt to give succinct info which may be pertinent. I am insecure and would describe my relationship with women as pivotal to my self esteem. I would very much like to fall in love and possibly have a family one day. I don’t know what I am scared of. Possibly losing someone again, or perhaps I simply haven’t met the right person. I really just don’t know. I definitely focus on the wrong things (superficial aspects). I am mostly scared of what other people think of me. I don’t feel I have dealt with my mum’s death. I do not like the vain person I have become.

December 31, 2018 at 9:13 am #271665

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Wanderer:

I am trying to understand: when you sense that a woman is interested in you and you think of her as worthy, then you feel “an overwhelming sensation to stop all contact”. As you try to continue a relationship, you feel more and more depressed, feeling that something “eats into” you. When you finally end contact, you feel better, able to function again.

“That inner turmoil is the worst feeling in the world for me”, you wrote.

Maybe it will help me understand better if you share about your relationship with your mother before she became disabled, what happened before that tragic day when you saw her at the hospital?

Did you ever feel responsible for what happened to her?

anita

December 31, 2018 at 7:52 pm #271735

Mimi
Participant

Wanderer,

It’s possible that you haven’t met the right woman yet, but even if you did right now, you would probably find that you would feel the need to end it with her, too. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you are afraid of loving and losing someone. That seems, to me, like exactly what is happening.

I’ve been in a delightfully happy marriage for 33 years (just had our anniversary), and I can tell you that there’s nothing like it. It’s not perfect, because nothing is, but it’s as close to it as you can get. We are good to each other and very much in love. If you expect any woman, or yourself, to be perfect, it will fail. But if you truly are kind and loving (and she is, too), something this good can be yours, too. It’s really worth it, and you know that already, because you are trying to get to this point.

I’ve felt the fear of losing my husband ever since I met him, because I knew he was different, and was the right man for me. Also, we’ve lost 4 very close and important family members in the last 20 years or so (including my beloved sister), and that has increased our fear of losing someone. My husband is better at pushing it aside and just living, and I try to do so, too, but when I am down or tired, or during illnesses, etc., it’s there a lot. It always will be, when you truly love and care about someone.

It is possible to have this fear, yet still make good choices and be happy and live your life. I guess finding a good therapist to help you through it would be one step. Also, when taking time for yourself, if you could focus more on your inner self than just your physical self, that might help. Like maybe do therapy, but also read a lot of self-help books, meditate, and things like that.

I guess that’s all I can think of. I hope it helps, even just a little bit.

Mimi

January 1, 2019 at 9:09 am #271891
Wanderer
Participant
Apologies for the delay. I’ve needed time to think about my answer before replying, as it is somewhat unchartered territory for me.

Maybe it will help me understand better if you share about your relationship with your mother before she became disabled, what happened before that tragic day when you saw her at the hospital?

Did you ever feel responsible for what happened to her?

As soon as I read this, I kind of dismissed it instantly. I also didn’t feel like replying, and it was certainly easier to find something else to do rather than confront it. Therefore this would suggest to me I have difficulty with facing this. But on further digestion, I was reminded by a book that we can often idolise the deceased , to cherish their protected memories and discount anything that would potentially challenge this. I therefore need to examine my relationship with mum more critically but of course will struggle with the inherent bias I carry.

I cannot pretend we were perfect kids growing up. No one is. But we certainly made life difficult for Mum. Since puberty, I can only ever remember being selfish. I didn’t lift a finger to help. A typical brat of a teenager. As a result, I feel like this contributed an awful lot to arguments within the household. It wasn’t easy for mum at all, raising two kids on her own. All she wanted was for us to go on and do well in school. We grew up in a rough neighbourhood, many of the kids around the local area were delinquents but somehow neither myself nor my sister fell into that lifestyle, thankfully, likely due to the way she raised us. Up until about 14, we attended Catholic church but quickly stopped going once puberty hit. My mum continued going right up to her death. She wasn’t devout, she even thought many of the views of Catholicism were ridiculous by modern standards. I remember her attempting once to give me the “birds and the bees” talk. “I don’t care what the church says, you wear a condom OK?” Anyway, I always remember Mum putting us first, she would spend the little money she had on us, always. But it is hard to deny that we didn’t argue a lot growing up. Arguments were on a daily basis. I think possibly because of how selfish we were, to be honest I can barely remember what most of it was about. As I write this, I struggle to cast my mind back to particular incidents. I guess I need to speak with my sister to see how she remembers things. It has dawned on me though that my Mum likely suffered from some sort of depression. From my memory, since my father left when I was three years old, I don’t think she ever tried to actively “take her life back” after getting divorced. She had no real social life/hobbies and never remarried. She would often sleep in very late, although she was a bit of a night owl, but from my own experience, when I stay in bed for a long time, I am usually suffering from negative thoughts. I assume she also did too considering we were remarkably similar. Same birth sign, similar personality (both got/get stressed easily) and I even look visually similar to my Mum. I do feel my relationship with Mum was much better than my sister in comparison. When I moved away from home to attend university, the dynamic changed. Instead of 3 there now just 2 in the house. I wasn’t there but heard my Mum and sister’s arguments really got out of hand. So much so that my sister moved out of home at 16! She went to go and live with her best friend at the time. This traumatised Mum. She was so sad. Even after months, she seemed desperate to get my sister back, and could not accept the reality. My sister refused to talk with Mum. I would come back for the weekend occasionally to see my school friends. It was obvious Mum had missed me. She was happy to cook and clean for me again. To “mother me”. She always made an effort to go and get some steak in, to rustle me up a nice meal. I thought it was really sweet how much she missed me. However my Mum would often break down in tears and ask me if she had lost my sister for good. She was distraught by how my sister could ignore her for so long. When I received the call from the hospital, Mum and sis had not reconciled. My sister was still ignoring my Mum and so the death must have really hit my Sister hard as she carries that regret of being stubborn to this day. In comparison to that, I feel my relationship with mum was OK. We certainly got along better since I moved out and became more independent/less selfish. I don’t know if I feel responsible for what happened to Mum. I suspect this is something I need to explore further. Ironically it is my sister who seems the stable one, yet given the circumstances I would have thought she be the one to carry the neurotic tendencies. Regardless, this is definitely something that I need to examine further. As I finished that last sentence, something I once said to Mum just came back to me. “We are going to grow up messed up if this continues”. I feel uneasy about writing this as it was said in the heat of an argument. Again I can’t remember what it was about specifically, but believe it was reference to how frequent / intense the arguments were. Something I will discuss with my sister soon.

As I said in earlier post, it is very easy for me to ramble on and not make any real point. To try and help me communicate a little better :
- “Cold women” who seem distant become an obsession for me. Infatuation.
- Once I break contact with someone who’s “into me”, and they move on, if we manage to stay in touch, I feel like I must win them back.
Am I just a narcissist? :/
January 1, 2019 at 9:32 am #271901

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Wanderer:

It is difficult for adult children to talk about parents in a negative way, whether the parent is dead or alive. There is a sense of betrayal. When the parent is dead, maybe that sense of betrayal is more acute. Why do it then, why talk about one’s parent negatively then, especially when the parent is dead and the relationship cannot be corrected where it needs to be corrected?

I will answer my own question, of course: because if we are paying a heavy price for not examining that relationship that formed us (hence Formative Years is a term for our childhood, as we are formed within the context of our interactions with the parent or parents that are present in our lives), then we pay a high price for a loyalty to a person… who doesn’t benefit from this loyalty. It doesn’t make sense to suffer when there is no one to benefit from that suffering.

Your mother I am sure was a good mother in many ways and you mentioned some of those ways. She was not a good mother in the following way: arguing with her children, being verbally aggressive with her daughter and her son.

The reason for her arguing is not that you and your sister were selfish, at least not in the beginning, you were not. There is nothing a child wants more intensely than to please the parent. The survival of a child of any mammal depends on pleasing the parent, it is inborn.

There is no one less selfish than a young child in his/ her relationship with his mother, nowhere else is empathy for the mother, desire to please and sacrifice for her well being more acute than in early childhood. This desire often lasts a lifetime.

So she didn’t start arguing with you and your sister, individually because either one of you were selfish.

“Once I break contact with someone who’s ‘into me’, and they move on, if we manage to stay in touch, I feel like I must win them back”- your use of the verb win makes me think of winning in an argument. Every time there was an argument, she needed to win, didn’t she? And you needed to win. It was a win/lose endeavor.

Love is about Win-Win. Arguing and arguing repeatedly as a way of life, is about Win-Lose. One of the two wins, and the other loses.

anita

January 1, 2019 at 10:44 am #271911

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Wanderer:

I want to correct something I wrote to you in my recent post to you. I wrote: “Your mother I am sure was a good mother in many ways”-

-correction: taken in isolation, certain behaviors on her part were good behaviors, ex.: her teaching you to practice safe sex. I believe that when there is repeated aggression on the part of the mother, that aggression cannot be neutralized by good behaviors. It doesn’t work that way because aggression by a parent towards her child is too powerful, too damaging to the child.

Therefore, a parent who displays aggression toward a child repeatedly is a bad parent.

anita

January 1, 2019 at 3:22 pm #271931

Wanderer
Participant

I don’t remember arguing as a youngster, partly because my memory is terrible. (Is this a bad sign?)I do however distinctly remember arguing a lot because I was a selfish teenager. Again, something I need to speak with my sister about to see if she remembers a transition period or whether the arguments were always there. I will meet her tomorrow to discuss this.

As you can imagine, this is difficult for me to digest. Especially to hear my mum was potentially a bad parent. It saddens me. My mum has always been a saint in my eyes. Can I ask why you termed it “aggression” ? Are you implying that if the arguments were always there, then the aggression would have to be on the part of there adult seeing as the child is considered pure, free from prejudice ?

Your point about the cost/benefit associated with parental loyalty makes total sense. I know too that my Mum loved us more than life itself, and would therefore accept any criticism of her upbringing of us if she thought her babies were suffering mentally as a result.

My choice of the verb “win” made me think of another explanation after reading your response. As in to win the game. As in the encounter was just a game/not serious, but maybe it was just my choice of words. I just don’t know. I often struggle with knowing what I am really feeling. I would love for nothing more than to develop a strong sense of identity with my inner self to help me feel less fragmented and gain more clarity in life. Self awareness is my biggest weakest.

We argued incessantly. There were no winners. I agree these were far from ideal circumstances to grow up in. Is this possibly why I haven’t dealt with my Mum’s death? Is this connected with my erratic behaviour towards women? I just don’t know.The question I really want to ask is how. How I can move on from this and grow into the person I know I can be.

January 2, 2019 at 5:45 am #271975

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Wanderer:

“The question I really want to ask is how. How can I move on from this and grow into the person I know I can be”-

my answer: by figuring the why. It is impossible in this context to find an effective How without understanding the Why.

It is painful and will be painful for you to figure out the why, therefore I will be as gentle as I can be as I suggest this or that Why to you, not go on and on about it, a bit here and a bit there, for as long as you choose to communicate with me on the matter. The purpose is to go through the Why so to be able to do the How.

“My mum has always been a saint in my eyes”- she was not a saint. As long as you keep this belief that she was a saint, you will also keep the belief that you were and are the guilty one. Correct these core beliefs and your healing will be in progress.

One more thing I need to be clear about: her arguing with you and your sister was always the wrong thing to do, no matter the ages, and whether you were selfish as a teenager. It was wrong because as she argued her aim was to win and for you to lose.

“Can I ask why you termed it (arguments) ‘aggression’?”- because when a person argues with you, she wants you to lose, to be defeated, to submit. A person defeated doesn’t learn, he submits to power instead of learning. A respectful conversation is different from arguments, except if an argument is in the context of one of those civilized academic exercises regarding controversial topics such as genetic engineering, where the parties arguing keep their voices low, do not resort to name calling, make threats, shame and humiliate the others.

Which brings me to ask you, what was her arguing like: did she raise her voice, call names, make threats, shame, humiliate, guilt trip, and so forth?

anita

January 3, 2019 at 1:15 pm #272157

Wanderer
Participant

I understand this is a challenging topic, and would never direct any animosity towards you for asking these difficult questions. I am aware of the significance and am thankful for your candid approach. The advice you have given in other threads has resonated with me and I sense you have a good rational outlook. Thank you Anita for sticking with me.

Shame and emotional blackmail were common themes amongst the daily arguments. It was only when you mentioned though, in your above post, that I was able to identify these. My memory is seriously hazy, it’s almost as if I have blocked out a lot of this. I met with my sister for a good “heart to heart” yesterday. We had a very good talk which I found therapeutic. It was long overdue. I am really glad we had the chance to discuss what happened. My sister told me that when I moved out, things got seriously out of hand with the arguments. She admitted to not feeling nurtured. She was afraid to disturb my Mum, At this time my Mum was sleeping into the afternoon, so when she would come back from school, Mum would still be in bed. I had completely forgotten this until she mentioned it. We agreed that was very depressing to witness. My sister told me Mum would complain that she had to prepare an evening meal for her whilst having to study herself (she attended university as a mature student and was in the middle of her dissertation). My sister felt for her sanity, she needed to move out as the arguments were so intense. I had managed to escape this, by going off to university. But on hearing the account of my sister, I had flashbacks of the difficulties we faced as a household together. I think I need more time to cast my memory back as I am struggling to recall. I do remember one threat she would often make. I once threw the house telephone at her in pure rage. As soon as the phone left my hand it was instant regret. The phone caught my mum in the face. She claimed she had a black eye, and kept threatening to tell people I had struck her. It was very upsetting for me. I don’t remember any other times in my life I have been violent. It was like she just couldn’t let any argument go. I almost think she must have thrived off it because the amount of energy she put into arguing was excessive. She would argue with herself, you would ignore it hoping it would eventually stop, then hours later she would still be going. It was a real test of your patience. There were not many happy moments as a teenager growing up at home. I do have better memories though of primary school. Things just seem to go downhill once we moved onto secondary school. Mum used to constantly remind us that there is only 1 of her. I don’t know what the deeper meaning behind that may have been. She would also remind us that she never remarried, and that it was easy for our father, who got to see us every fortnight for the weekend. My mum was an emotional rollercoaster. Up and down. She could be so sweet, then turn on an instant. I have read that parents often project their own problems onto their children. It was clear Mum had an array of problems, financial, social, family, emotional issues to worry about. I think it all just got to her, and she was unable to cope. Arguing I guess was her way of projecting. Although I am struggling to pinpoint specifics, I have to agree that it has affected me significantly. I always thought to myself that this was not how a “normal” family functions.

As my memory is so poor, I am trying to piece together details from other family members. I hope soon to supplement with further details once they come back to me.

January 3, 2019 at 5:25 pm #272167

Mark
Participant

Wanderer, You said:

I need to spend more time self reflecting, to listen to my inner needs, to become more self aware, but struggle how to actually go about doing this.

With regards to practical methods, I have tried talking with someone in the past. I guess I had about 20 sessions over a 1 month basis. The consensus was denial.

So my take is that you follow through with this. Why aren’t you doing that?

Mark

January 4, 2019 at 7:25 am #272229

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Wanderer:

I know this is a challenging topic, a very challenging topic. This is why I am surprised and impressed that you replied to me as many times as you had so far. I will continue to communicate with you on this topic for as long as you choose to, because of these reasons: 1. I think it is necessary for you to address and examine this issue for your own well being, no way around it. 2. I have done it myself. 3. I know that if you feel too distressed communicating with me, you can stop this communication at any time.

To understand the connection between your experience in your home of origin, living with your mother, you need to look at what happened then not through the retroactive understanding of an adult who is familiar with psychological terms, and who is focused on her reasons/motivations. You have to go back to the boy that you were then and how it was for you at the time, and see life from your view at the time.

Problem is we forget a lot. You probably forgot more than 99% of the words she used while arguing. This is another difficulty we have when we try to understand how it was then, years ago.

From very personal experience, I found out that the information I do not remember is alive in me in the present and makes itself known, without the memories that aren’t there.

In your original post you wrote: “as soon as I sense they are ‘into me’, I feel an overwhelming sensation to stop all contact”- this overwhelming sensation to stop all contact is the same sensation you had as a boy, to stop all contact with your mother.

Continued quote: “The more I try to deny/ ignore this feeling and just ‘run with it’, the more depressed I feel”- this depression is the same depression you felt as a boy, living with your mother.

Continued quote: “The longer I go without breaking off contact, the more it ‘eats into me”- again, the experience you had as a child gets activated in the present, in the context of your relationships with women.

And it doesn’t mean that every aspect in your relationships/ interactions with women is about your mother. There is the sexual element, the human desire to connect, the social and sexual roles of men and women that society teaches us. These are not about who your mother was as an individual.

In your recent post you wrote: “Shame and emotional blackmail were common themes amongst the daily arguments”- she shamed you, blackmailed you, this is very much aggression, emotional violence exercised by her against you.

“She could be so sweet, then turn on an instant”, she turned against you unexpectedly.

How does a child feel, being attacked, not knowing the next time, not being able to predict the next time?

Well, you know how it feels, it is “the worst feeling in the world”. In my experience, this feeling is a combination of fear of the attacker, intense anger at the attacker, the urge to run away from or fight the attacker, and heavy guilt for being so angry at my own mother, for thinking how much I wanted to be away from her, feeling that I am a bad person for these things, fighting against myself, conflicted and confused.

When you end a relationship, the “huge catharsis” is about running away from your mother, escaping the turmoil, doing what you wanted to do for so long, to get away from her. And when you do, you feel that much needed freedom from pain, and you “are able to function again and not feel like I am fighting against myself”.

You wrote, “it has been suggested to me in the past, that by breaking off contact with women, I am reliving the death of my mum”- I don’t think so. I think that it is living with her that you keep reliving, and that by breaking off contact with women, you are breaking contact with your mother, again and again.

anita

January 9, 2019 at 10:02 am #273425
Wanderer
Participant
Sorry Mark/Anita for the delay. ( I work very long hours).

I need to spend more time self reflecting, to listen to my inner needs, to become more self aware, but struggle how to actually go about doing this.

With regards to practical methods, I have tried talking with someone in the past. I guess I had about 20 sessions over a 1 month basis. The consensus was denial.

So my take is that you follow through with this. Why aren’t you doing that?

Mark

Attitudes towards mental health in the UK are quite different to in the US. I found it easy to find/talk with someone while in the US, but back in the UK things are harder. I agree and will look into finding someone again.

To understand the connection between your experience in your home of origin, living with your mother, you need to look at what happened then not through the retroactive understanding of an adult who is familiar with psychological terms, and who is focused on her reasons/motivations. You have to go back to the boy that you were then and how it was for you at the time, and see life from your view at the time.

That makes sense. How I felt growing up is difficult for me to explain. I was frustrated at our inability to work through problems. I was aware that our family dynamic appeared “broken”. I did not like the intensity of the frequent arguments. My mum had the ability to really get to me. I can recall punching/slamming doors very hard out of sheer frustration. The fact I cannot remember much I am assuming is a bad sign. I had so much practise at arguing growing up. I feel this could contribute to me being argumentative today. My mum could not let things go. The more I think back to particularly troubling times, the more I am reminded by how selfish I was. A lot of the “big incidents” could have been avoided if I didn’t do stupid teenage things. I can list a whole bunch of ridiculous things I did as a teenager that would have given any parent a real challenge.

In your original post you wrote: “as soon as I sense they are ‘into me’, I feel an overwhelming sensation to stop all contact”- this overwhelming sensation to stop all contact is the same sensation you had as a boy, to stop all contact with your mother.

I am trying to be real with myself regarding above, but struggle to formulate an opinion on this. I don’t remember wanting to run away. However as mentioned in earlier post, my sister did actually leave home at 16, so perhaps there is something in this. The fact I once said to my Mum “we are going to grow up messed up ” probably underlines the fact I wanted a more stable family environment.

While I recognise the relationship with my Mum needs to be explored, a part of me wonders if the “sensation to stop all contact” is purely down to me not actually liking that person in the first place?

Continued quote: “The more I try to deny/ ignore this feeling and just ‘run with it’, the more depressed I feel”- this depression is the same depression you felt as a boy, living with your mother.

Possibly. However it does strike me as odd that this feeling appears as soon as I sense women are “into me”. In the context of my previous encounters, I have managed to stay longer with cold/distant women. Up to 6 months before. I actually thought I was in love with one, and even tried for a baby with plans of marriage. Pretty much overnight, as soon as we had actively tried to conceive, I sensed something wasn’t right. Within a few days I started to get that depressed feeling. In hindsight, this woman was certainly not the right person for me! I was always the one to chase her. I sensed she was probably keeping her options open, and possibly seeing someone else as well. I became almost obsessed with her. I felt sometihing wasn’t right, but instead of just ending it and moving on, I put my energy into figuring out what it was. A very long story, but I eventually found out she was a high class call girl…. Yes… I was totally shocked. It then made sense why she seemed so distant/cold. She claimed that her relationship was me was her way of “feeling normal” while having to do such a difficult job. Again, any “normal” person would have run away at this point. I ended up parting with $15,000 to pay off her debts meaning she could quit this job. Even after she did, things didn’t improve. She still felt distant/cold. This kept me wanting her. It was only after actively trying for a baby that things changed. What does that tell you about me as a person ? My motivations seem questionable. Trying to have a baby with someone to prove to yourself that she is serious about you? Realising instantly (post ejaculation) that she was eventually serious, and that you no longer actually want it…. What I will add was that I was highly attracted to her. I kept wanting/wishing her to be “mine”. She was gorgeous, and had a stunning body. I guess all I cared was for people to see me with her. This makes me think my issues with women are more complex. It would seem I have self esteem issues.

And it doesn’t mean that every aspect in your relationships/ interactions with women is about your mother. There is the sexual element, the human desire to connect, the social and sexual roles of men and women that society teaches us. These are not about who your mother was as an individual.

If everything about my Mum isn’t connected with my current encounters with women, then what is ?

In your recent post you wrote: “Shame and emotional blackmail were common themes amongst the daily arguments”- she shamed you, blackmailed you, this is very much aggression, emotional violence exercised by her against you.

“She could be so sweet, then turn on an instant”, she turned against you unexpectedly.

Yes. I agree and acknowledge Mum was very good at wangling her emotional meathook into us. But she was also a highly emotional person. As Mum certainly stirred up a lot of anger in us both, I can see how this would result in prolonged “emotional violence” as you put it.

In my experience, this feeling is a combination of fear of the attacker, intense anger at the attacker, the urge to run away from or fight the attacker, and heavy guilt for being so angry at my own mother, for thinking how much I wanted to be away from her, feeling that I am a bad person for these things, fighting against myself, conflicted and confused.

When you end a relationship, the “huge catharsis” is about running away from your mother, escaping the turmoil, doing what you wanted to do for so long, to get away from her. And when you do, you feel that much needed freedom from pain, and you “are able to function again and not feel like I am fighting against myself”.

You wrote, “it has been suggested to me in the past, that by breaking off contact with women, I am reliving the death of my mum”- I don’t think so. I think that it is living with her that you keep reliving, and that by breaking off contact with women, you are breaking contact with your mother, again and again.

As it seems I have limited ability to articulate how I felt growing up, it is difficult for me to move forward with this. I have written a list of each person I have slept with, and have tried to look at what I actually do. My hope is that by analysing by actions, it will shed light on any correlations. What is strange, is that this feeling of denial of wanting to break up, seems to happen at different stages. Sometimes it is soon after having sex, other times it is before even getting to that stage. I can recall at least 4 different women that this has happened with. I would really like to understand why, in these 4 particular incidences, I have gone from being extremely excited to talk with them, to wanting to end contact in a very short space of time. So much so, we had not even managed to hold hands, let alone kiss/have sex. Really weird ! But it is exactly the same feeling every time. Part of me I guess wants a relationship, and is worried I will be single forever + potentially not able to find anyone as nice/hot. The other part of me wants to push them away and not have to deal with it. What I can see from my list, is that I barely know these people! After initial contact, the conversation usually explodes. It’s almost as if it’s a race for me to secure the deal. It’s like I am compelled. Then lose all interest and deny that thought soon after. It makes me think I am hugely insecure and vain.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Wanderer. Reason: Deleting
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Wanderer.
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